how do you stop torturing yourself

[simple]

so here is my question. when you are depressed how do you stop torturing yourself about what *might* happen?

 

about a year ago my wife started posting on some message boards (not these ones) talking to other people just about normal every day things. now i am not normally a snooper but at the time she was having major depressive issues (she had been off her depression meds for about a year after having our third child) so i looked into the message boards she used just to see if i could get a read on what was going on and what i could do to make her feel better. BIG MISTAKE. anyway what i found when looked at rationally is really no big deal, she had lingering feelings for a previous boyfriend (we had been married almost 6 years at the time) saying that he was "that guy" for her and that he had totally hurt her but still she finds herself day dreaming about him. she described the relationship as him being the most beautiful man she had ever dated and that she would have done anything he said. if he said jump she would have and her heart raced every time she saw him.

 

now this came as somewhat of a shock to me since i had never even considered the possibility that she could still have those feelings for someone else. after all wasn't i the father of her children? wasn't i the one that kept our family together when she was pregnant with our children, off her meds, and bat**** crazy? i suddenly felt second class and it sent me into a major depressive spiral for a couple months but then i just sorta threw myself into the relationship trying to make her happier than she had ever been. that helped for awhile. i started to feel ok for awhile and then found myself deeply involved in a job search and then in a new job. well now the major flurry of activity of job hunting and new job frenzy have died down and i find myself coming back to those thoughts that maybe i was just the man she settled for and that i'm never going to be as influential on her as that jack ass who broke her heart.

 

i don't want to talk to her about these things for a few reasons, 1 she has given me absolutely no reason to belive that she would ever leave or be unfaithful (and at the core i don't believe she would either) 2 her heartbreak is hers and it would just be cruel of me to bring it up 3 it's none of my business as it is information i probably should't have had in the first place. and 4 there is no reason to saddle her with my own sick twisted insecurities.

 

so here is where i am. i know that what i'm dealing with is a demon of my own design. even when i keep myself awake at night wondering if she really loves me or if i am just the provider that she settled for once she decided she had had enough pain from being in love for one life i know that i am manufacturing an issue that would probably not otherwise exist. in my head and heart i know these are useless and fruitless thoughts, but for some reason unless i totally throw myself into something i have trouble letting them go. i think that's part of the reason i am writing this now, so that in some way the feelings have been expressed and hopefully expelled from my system.

 

the thing is i know that what i am thinking and feeling is completely irrational. and yet logic cannot conquer this damned demon. i find myself alternately wanting to withdraw and pull close to her and pretending that I am happy all the time even when i am totally losing my grip. i have few friends (ok fine i have no local friends and only a few anywhere that i would actually consider trusting) and i do not trust counsellers at all (long story there but suffice to say i will never again trust a paid sounding board for anything).

 

 

so my question is this? how do you stop torturing yourself with thoughts of what could happen? how do you make yourself stop feeling second class and settled for? i'm so tired of putting forward this mask of calm collected confidence. to look at me you would think i really have all my **** together. i have a great job, make a ton of money, i have three incredible children, i have a wife that though occassionally crazy is otherwise everything i could have ever wanted, i'm reasonably attractive and fit as can be, i'm otherwise well adjusted emotionally, introspective without being totally nuerotic except on this one issue, and yet i let myself wallow behind the mask in these feelings of being second best. i just want it to stop but at this point i am out of ideas. i mean how long can a person survive with sanity intact throwing everything they have into a realtionship trying to make the other person happy enough to eclipse that kind of passionate love that she had described? i feel like i am fighting a ghost for the heart of the woman i love.

[westernxer]

How long after her breakup did you two hook up?

[simple]

somewhere between nine months and a year. and she had had at least one other dating relationship between that break up and when we hooked up.

[westernxer]

Find out what the jackass was like, then emulate his behavior.

 

Might be too late, though, since you already have kids.

 

You should just keep yourself busy, since you don't trust counselors and don't want her to know you've been snooping. The less free time the better, I think.

 

This may only be a short term solution, but I don't think there will be any painless ones.

[garvis]

I've felt similar things recently. I remember back to when my wife and I first got together, how she seemed to think about her ex. And on and on.

 

The fact is, it IS hard to have those thoughts and feelings. You truly love your wife and the thought of her with anyone else is disturbing. You want to be everything to her. It makes perfect sense.

 

In my opinion, it will not get better unless you address the underlying issues. I cannot tell you what your's our, but in my case it is self loathing and insecurity. When I feel this way, I create scenarios in my mind and it drives me crazy. I would suggest counseling to help with the underlying causes, but you say you won't do that. You don't want to talk to your wife about it, that's understandable. That basically leaves you to deal with this on your own. You need to control your thoughts (which is doable) and that will help with the feelings that are created when your mind runs wild. You seem very rational in saying that there is nothing you can do about what happened. But the thoughts are irrational, aren't they?

 

I think the key to happiness in life is to be able to fully commit yourself the the present moment. This moment in your life is the only thing you have full control over. Use it. Maybe some books and hard work will help. One I found useful is "Erroneous Zones" by Wayne Dyer. Another book some nice person suggested to me on this forum is "Feeling Good". That book in particular has specific exercises that you can work on to help you with your thoughts and feelings.

 

I know from experience that this is a tough thing to tackle. Changing your thinking is very hard work - I'm working on it myself. But I can tell you that I am just starting to see some of the benefits.

 

I wish you luck. Let me know if I can help out with other suggestions.

[lindya]

so my question is this? how do you stop torturing yourself with thoughts of what could happen? how do you make yourself stop feeling second class and settled for? i'm so tired of putting forward this mask of calm collected confidence.

 

I can't see any easy solution to the problem you've described. Once you've discovered information that causes you pain, you can't undiscover it...and your post's an example of why sometimes it's better not to know absolutely every thing that happens to pass through a partner's head. People have phases where they dwell on or idealise the past. You've got a snapshot of your wife doing that, and it sounds as though that's awakened a whole load of insecurities.

 

Though I wouldn't advocate emulating your wife's ex's behaviour (an action that would be liable to turn your current situation into something very toxic) I'd support the rest of what Westernxer said. Keep yourself busy, and start making time for the kind of activities (eg sport or a hobby of some type) that will build up your confidence. Ideally a person gets the emotional support they need from their partner - but if that partner is in a frame of mind where they're unlikely to offer the support you want, or if their actions are the cause of your distress, then sometimes there's no option but to adopt a more self-sufficient approach to the task of starting to feel better.

 

It might be that bit tougher on you insofar as you're ruling out the counselling option - and there's also the risk that immersing yourself in confidence-building activities will create further distance between you and your wife. That's why I'd urge you to rethink the idea of counselling. It just sounds as though some exposure and brainstorming with an independent third person would help you to maintain a bit of perspective - both in your view of recent events and in the actions you take to overcome their impact.

[simple]

just wanted to thank you all for your comments. lots of food for thought.

 

ruling out emulating the ex becuase well, it's just not in my nature to be like him. i'm a nice guy and happy with being that despite what the player industry would want me to believe.

 

ruling out councelling for now becuase it was used as a means of control and fodder for emotional blackmail over me when i was a teen.

 

the project idea has been successful in the past (and quite frankly i think this is just a temporary relapse due to a down time in my usually psychotic work schedule) so i'll probably fire up ye olde programming tools and build something incredibly complex and absolutely useless.

 

if that doesn't work not sure what i will do, probably go back to the courtship cycle in which i write her tons of love letters and other sappy crap that just totally blisses her out for awhile. i may never be that bad boy that sets her knees trembling but damn it all if i still can't be the poet that won her over from 3000 miles away.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you've set some boundaries that are going to make things tough on yourself. Can't talk to:

 

Friends - None local to talk to

Counselor - Bad experience

Wife - Too problematic

 

The only option left is the typical male approach of bottling it all inside. You've already tried that - how's it working? Based on your posts (and my own experiences), not very well...

 

Unless you are willing to sit down with someone (A Parent? A Minister? A Mentor?) and make an effort to come to terms with these issues and your feelings, I think you are facing some difficult times ahead. Good Luck!

 

Mr. Lucky

[westernxer]

The only option left is the typical male approach of bottling it all inside.

 

Over a bottle of Jack Daniels.

 

That may prove destructive, though. LOL

[JamesM]

Okay, here is a different idea that may not be what you can do, but...

 

I have often wondered how I could get my wife on a message board like this, so I could actually get her to open up her feelings without me being the one with whom she is talking. In other words, I would know how she felt truly without her feeling that she has to mince words.

 

So, the question is...can YOU register on the same Board and reply back to her posts/threads? And if you can, maybe even PM her. Then you may find out more than you want, but you could ask if she is married, what her husband is like, how he compares to the ex, what would she like him to do differently, etc. I know for a fact I would do that. Torturing myself without knowing her feelings would not be good for me. Either I would confess that I was there and get my wife to talk, or I would register on the Board and get the answers that way. Registering on the Board seems best. Obviously, you will need an identity that doesn't reveal your true self.

 

Just my opinion. Others may not agree. But I know I could not see myself swallowing it, and then expect to have a normal relationship with my wife.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, the question is...can YOU register on the same Board and reply back to her posts/threads? And if you can, maybe even PM her. Then you may find out more than you want, but you could ask if she is married, what her husband is like, how he compares to the ex, what would she like him to do differently, etc.

James, you have a evil, sly, sneaky mind

 

I like it!

 

Mr. Lucky

[garvis]

JamesM, that might be very effective in getting information out of his wife. If I did that, I would worry about what information I would gain. What happens when the wife finds the husband out? I think there would be a big loss of trust. That is something to take into consideration. Is it worth it? That's something you have to ask yourself. I think it's dangerous to dabble with tactics like this when you're already in a state of irrational thinking.

 

As a bystander, it would be interesting to hear how something like this unfolded.

[Lennox]

We wives nearly always have some jackass in our past that hurt us. Yeah, she may think of the good times she had with him because it's normal to want to have the good times, but we forget about the bad when we do. It's a fantasy, that's all it is. She probably doesn't even REALLY want him back in her life, she has you. You are better than he is because you stuck around and you are the one out of the two of you that is acting like a real man.

 

Right now you think that you don't hold the most important place in her life. I think you really do, just that you're taking something that is a passing fantasy and giving it more credence than it deserves. I think you should talk to her about it.

 

Look, at 41 years old now, I can tell you first hand that I have felt the feelings your wife feels for someone in her past. But, I can also tell you that there's no way in hell I would go back and trade my husband for anyone that I've had in my past! With his faults and all.

[quankanne]

lennox beat me to the punchline, so I'll just affirm what she's written: When things appear crappy, we sometimes fall back into fantasy about our ex-boyfriends, and magically, they somehow appear to be the solution to our problems. But we forget why they became exes in the first place. Because in all honesty, if we tried to restart a relationship with the guy we've identified as The Solution, reality would give us a swift kick in the ass.

 

from personal experience, I've done that ... saw a certain guy from college as the one who got away, long after I'd married my husband. At some point, though, it occurred to me that DH is where I am meant to be in life, especially the longer I've stay married to him – I don't think I could have even come close to what I have now if I'd have stayed with "the one"!

 

other thing to point out is that depression makes you second guess the very things you love. A couple of years ago things started falling apart when my mom, then my husband's mom, began dying. On top of that, there was a huge family drama raging, and the very thing I loved (my job) was suddenly being questioned – I thought I'd be happier if I quit. I didn't though, because I knew my thinking was off. I'm wondering if maybe your wife isn't having a similar response in thinking that her ex is "greener pastures" even though she knows she's happy with you. As hard as it is to do so, don't take this personally – it's the stress and depression that's eliciting her responses, NOT YOU.

 

don't overlook counselling – there are a lot of organizations that offer help, from churches to online sites to actual marriage counsellors. Help is out there, you just need to make yourself aware of what is in your area. DH will tell you one of the best things we did for our marriage was a Marriage Encounter retreat, which he was initially against because he felt *he* was a problem that needed to be fixed, when in reality, it was a vehicle that would help give us the tools we needed to better communicate with each other. So look around to see if there's something you two feel comfortable with, and go for it.

 

it's never too late or too "wrong" to woo your wife ... that's part of communicating your love for her, and hers for you. And it helps her see that she's happy with YOU, not some idealized version of an ex who didn't work out in the first place!

 

good luck, dude

[Haunani]

I must agree with Quankanne. I am hitting 46 in a few days. I have been married now for over 20 years. My husband is a wonderful provider and husband .....now. Trust me when I say we've been through the ringer. I left him (for other reasons than a guy), and separated for 6 months, I thought the love of my life was still out there, then we decided to give it another try.

 

A few years ago, I went to a 20 year high school reunion. The man I had a crush on all these years actually went to that reunion, my heart flipped like a teenager. In my mind, he had always been labeled the "perfect" one and being back in the "high school" scene was like being a teenager again. Until I realized I had idolized him all these years for nothing, he was still gorgeous, but he never grew up. Thinking he was this great person all these years, when in actuality, "perfect" was looking right in front of me the whole time.

 

It took leaving to "find myself" and coming back to realize the "grass isn't always greener on other other side". After 20 something years, we have something that as teens I could never find - stability and true love. It was a moment in the past I was living, thinking I could re-capture what I had frozen in time, it wasn't there. People change, grow up, live life and move forward. I tried to recapture it, and I must admit it was fun for the night, reliving, reminiscing, while it happened, but I've come a long way with my husband, and learned I'm not only lucky in finding the one I have, but keeping the passion going to keep going for a long time more - way past our kids moving out and grandkids along the way. Don't give up, fight and find your way back to her heart, if she has any love in there, you will make it bloom. I'm glad mine didn't give up on me, it only opened my heart wider. At 46, I'm just beginining life again.

 

Good luck, dreams do come true. Don't let them die.

[Guest]

EASY.

 

you tell the other person - here is the deal - if u are with someone now -stop and work and communicate with me

 

when they say maybe, i'll think about it, give me some time, and stay with someone else

 

the torture ends there because they have told you their decision - so u help and support them as a friend the best as u can and the desire of the past no longer hurt nor torture u

 

see, easy