What you guys think?

[lasan]

The wife has no right to harrass you. I am not surprised that she is though. It is one of the reprecussions of an affair. No, I don't think it is your fault his marriage is failing. It was doing that without your help. Instead of either working on it, or divorcing her, He chose to cheat. You chose to cheat with him, now both of you are going to hear about it.

 

If she gets too crazy, call the police. Even though you made a bad decision, it doesn't mean she has the right to harrass you.

[frannie]

People DO things that they normally wouldn't do until they're put in a situation with lots of emotions. Obviously she's an adult and has choices too, but her husband, who cheated PUT her IN a situation that MADE her crazy.

He lied, lied and lied some more...Probably fed his wife so much crap. He has to be accountable for pushing her over the edge.

 

So he's responsible for her actions..? What happened to all that accepting responsibility for your own actions stuff? How come the wife gets to be unaccountable if we're all accepting our own part in the mess?

 

He drove her over the edge..? So he's capable of that, but not capable of leading the OW on and making a mess of her life too? I'm not saying I agree with any of those statements, but if you're going to apply rules, they should apply all round imho.

 

None of this is pretty, but harrassment is against the law.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The reason you have suffered more than him is that your H made a different decision than his W.

 

I have to say that I disagree with your friends and family. You are all adults and responsible for the choices you make. You and MM chose to have an affair. When the secret was out your husband made his choice to separate and his wife made the choice to stay. I don't think she should be harassing you, but that is her choice as well.

 

It is not the MM job to protect you. If there is anyone he should protect, it should be his wife and family. If you have a problem with his wife, deal with it yourself. You are just as guilty as he is, the wife and your husband are the victims.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but it's just how I feel when a OW (or anyone) shifts all the responsibility to the MM and considers herself a victim. I'm just trying to answer the question honestly.

 

 

I second that! Well said.

 

I also believe that behind every CRAZY BS is a WS that made her that way. The BS is the only one in this triangle that didn't choose it and doesn't reap any benefits.

 

As to whom the MM should protect - he certainly HASN'T protected his wife by bringing another woman into the picture - so when it comes time that the OW needs protection it might not be likely that he'll step up to the plate unless it behooves him. The only person you can be sure he'll protect is himself. THAT is the nature of the beast. Its also why the beast always comes out smelling like a rose! HE knows who number one is!

[NearlyThere]

 

The only person you can be sure he'll protect is himself. THAT is the nature of the beast. Its also why the beast always comes out smelling like a rose! HE knows who number one is!

 

I sometimes wish that we ALL could remember this when the sniping at one another on here starts. Whether the WS is male OR female, this is the person who will protect themselves 9 out of 10 times, no matter who gets brought down in the process, or who has to be lied to cover their own A$$ for their own gain.

[herenow]

This sort of reminds me of the stories you hear about the thief who breaks into a house to steal, and then sues the homeowner because he slips on the freshly waxed floors. Like the homeowner shouldn't have waxed the floors so that the thief wouldn't get hurt. What make the thief's injuries the homeowners fault?

 

Hey Bonehead, does this stuff really happen or is it just urban legend?

[herenow]

Another thought scaredinlove, you have no idea the kind of treatment the MM is getting at home from his wife. You say that he has it easier, but you are not part of their relationship, and I can tell you, it's not easy to try and make a marriage work after an affair.

 

I know that my H has put up with a lot of craziness from me and if he even once tried to protect the OW, he would have had hell to pay.

[puddleofmud]

I guess it's just that "male" thing again--he is protecting his territory, which is HIS life (emotional base) including wife and family. From what I have gained, recently, mistresses are just temporary territory and can be disgarded easily where a life-time commitment may not be so easy to absolve.

I think the majority of OW are shocked when they are forced to see this in action and it does feel just awful / sickening.

It just terrible when the emotional bond one thought they had just swirls down the drain like throwing out spoiled soup...

As for protecting the OW; I doubt there is any emotional strength for that as the MM is dealing w/ the onslaught of his broken marriage and that is where he would most likely put his energy.

Questions from the BS such as "did you love her?" are likely answered as "not like I love you"..."it was nothing"..."it was just sex"...etc.

Though it is good that those closest to you understand the damage this has caused if there is any lesson to be learned I feel that we must do the same--protect ourselves, our territories: our emotional health.

You have good friends and family who obviously love you so you are very lucky!

Also, if you were to engage w/ the wife in her anger it would most likely feed it (that is probably what she wants: to disrupt your life as hers has been) so just be silent. BUT

If you feel endangered do call the authorities!

[scaredinlove]

He should be letting his wife vent the anger at him. He chose to cheat on her and his own family, betray them. Damage control...I mean don't get me wrong, his wife has every right to feel the way she does but her actions and her harrassing you is crossing a dangerous line because she's hurt, angry and reacting on high emotions, that make people DO insane things. He should be trying to tell her the affair is over and reining her in before she ends up doing something she'll regret. She needs therapy to cope with the fallout and feelings.

 

I agree with you she needs theraphy, and she had a OM in the past so I don't know why she is so crazy.

[scaredinlove]

I don't see how it matters if anyone agrees or disagrees with your family...you were not happy in your M obviously and so now you are able to rebuild...i think you should instead focus on yourself and your children...(you have them right?)

 

I have them and I am focosuing on them.I am trying to understand it all. I want to know if what they are saying makes anysense, they always say I am stturbborn and don't listen.Now they are really brainwashing me.I Think MM could protect me a little. I stop my ex husband from contacting his wife and going to his house. I was acctually protecting my ex too, I didn't want him to do something crazy and end up in jail. MM just sits back and watch , now she found my e-mail adress and soon she is gonna find my photo. Why is he letting her find it all? it has been 4 months since she found out.Why he didn't take this stuff to his work or just burned it?

[scaredinlove]

Only problem with that though is MM protecting you over his wife, is just going to piss her off even more. She has EVERY right to be upset and angry...And what he should be doing is defusing her anger by asking her to direct it at HIM, not you. He has to convince her now to forget about you because the affair is over and you're not in his life anymore.

 

She (his wife) now has a choice. Get help and learn to trust her husband again, or stay in a holding pattern full of anger and hate.

 

Exactly, but instead he is just letting her do what ever she wanted.The day she called my house and started cursing, he was standing by her. He could have hang up the phone.The christmas eve he was driving her around my parking lot. I don't want to talk to him but I am very curios to of what their intentions were.Do ypu think I should call him and ask?

[scaredinlove]

Another thought scaredinlove, you have no idea the kind of treatment the MM is getting at home from his wife. You say that he has it easier, but you are not part of their relationship, and I can tell you, it's not easy to try and make a marriage work after an affair.

 

I know that my H has put up with a lot of craziness from me and if he even once tried to protect the OW, he would have had hell to pay.

 

She is nasty to him all the time and crazy at home too.She says she is divorcing him.

[scaredinlove]

I guess it's just that "male" thing again--he is protecting his territory, which is HIS life (emotional base) including wife and family. From what I have gained, recently, mistresses are just temporary territory and can be disgarded easily where a life-time commitment may not be so easy to absolve.

I think the majority of OW are shocked when they are forced to see this in action and it does feel just awful / sickening.

It just terrible when the emotional bond one thought they had just swirls down the drain like throwing out spoiled soup...

As for protecting the OW; I doubt there is any emotional strength for that as the MM is dealing w/ the onslaught of his broken marriage and that is where he would most likely put his energy.

Questions from the BS such as "did you love her?" are likely answered as "not like I love you"..."it was nothing"..."it was just sex"...etc.

Though it is good that those closest to you understand the damage this has caused if there is any lesson to be learned I feel that we must do the same--protect ourselves, our territories: our emotional health.

You have good friends and family who obviously love you so you are very lucky!

Also, if you were to engage w/ the wife in her anger it would most likely feed it (that is probably what she wants: to disrupt your life as hers has been) so just be silent. BUT

If you feel endangered do call the authorities!

 

You have a good point there.I am trying to be quiet but I am starting to get fed up.

[bonehead]

This sort of reminds me of the stories you hear about the thief who breaks into a house to steal, and then sues the homeowner because he slips on the freshly waxed floors. Like the homeowner shouldn't have waxed the floors so that the thief wouldn't get hurt. What make the thief's injuries the homeowners fault?

 

Hey Bonehead, does this stuff really happen or is it just urban legend?

 

It actually happens.

 

I had a call one night for a shooting. This guy broke into a house in the middle of the night. Was shot by the home owner. Home owner got sued, and lost because at that time this state required you to try to retreat from your OWN HOME before applying deadly force. ( That law has since changed. )

 

I have to have a concealed weapons permit due to my involvement with a couple tactical teams. I have to go through the same class as job blow off the street to keep it.

 

The county prosecutor comes in to do the legal aspects portion. His advice to people with firearms in their home, if you shoot them kill them so its harder to sue.

 

How sad is that??

[pureinheart]

he should be protecting you from all this. If he has or cared about you at all. Mine did I will never forget that

 

Totally agree...this lady is going through enough without MM family being jerks....MM's family is MM's problem and he should deal with it!!!!!!

[pureinheart]

I posted before that I was a MW seeing a MM, his wife found out started treatening to tell the world.I told my husband he become crazy and I have to have taken out of the house and now we are separated. MM's wife and family keep harassing me and it has being four months now that this situation is going on. My family and friends feel that it is all MMs fault. They say he should protect me from his family and that I was a victim in his hands.And it is his fault that my marriage is ended and that he hasn't suffered as much as I did. Do you agree with my friends and family ?

 

Hey scaredinlove....I am so sorry about all of this. I did not have a H to contend with, although did have to deal with MM's sick family. I don't think it is MM's fault that your M ended, although, if he is staying w/W then he is responsible for his family harrassing you.

 

I am really glad that your family is backing you....just be careful, my situation got really bad.

 

I really don't think he has suffered as much as you...ex-MM in my situation sure didn't....my heart goes out to you ....(((((((((((hugs))))))))))....

 

For the record...his families actions are completely out of line.

[pureinheart]

Only problem with that though is MM protecting you over his wife, is just going to piss her off even more. She has EVERY right to be upset and angry...And what he should be doing is defusing her anger by asking her to direct it at HIM, not you. He has to convince her now to forget about you because the affair is over and you're not in his life anymore.

 

She (his wife) now has a choice. Get help and learn to trust her husband again, or stay in a holding pattern full of anger and hate.

 

Having been BW, well betrayed everything, never once did I go after the OW...it wasn't the OW....it was the M....my H and me....we were the problem. Also never blamed H only....I wasn't the greatest to live with either. I was controlling and manipulative.

 

Hey WWIU, not cutting your post down, you always have clear thinking. I am using your post (forgive me if out of line) to state my own learned experiences.

 

Was going to start a thread on this very issue, although did not want to start anything or make anyone mad.

 

I understand the anger involved all too well, although have to say there is something seriously wrong with these families that harrass the OW. I also don't condone cheating, although in my cases I understand why H cheated...I was a b*tch and didn't communicate properly because I was too busy being controlling.

 

I had many issues in my past that contributed to MY bad behavior towards H's...now if I was this jacked up and understood the truth and didn't freak on the OW...how much worse must these M's be that direct anger in every which way except towards where it needs to be directed.

 

I think people in general, all over the world are way out of control. Finding this forum and reading the clear thinking, blew my mind, was not sure if any clear thinking existed, also my new job showed me different also.

 

Hearing a lot about taking responsibility for one's own actions. Thinking all parties involved should.

 

I have had the mirror turned on me more than once and saw my own heart....it was discusting and still is in some areas....

 

Not meaning to offend anyone....

[lovernotafighter]

NO what i see is a MARRIED WOMAN who chose to dishonor her marriage and her husband left but she is choosing not to accept the responsiblility for it.

 

Maybe if you took some resposibility for your actions and felt some remorse instead of blaming others like a child would do your husband would be more understanding.

 

YOU chose this. No one else did.

 

maybe if youd burning in hell the world would be a better place..you may chose this if you want ot..I am fine with it, your a grow woman.

 

ps - your sexy

[whichwayisup]

Exactly, but instead he is just letting her do what ever she wanted.The day she called my house and started cursing, he was standing by her. He could have hang up the phone.The christmas eve he was driving her around my parking lot. I don't want to talk to him but I am very curios to of what their intentions were.Do ypu think I should call him and ask?

 

Their marriage is not even being fixed right now because she's so focussed on making you suffer. I wonder if he's letting her do this so he doesn't have to deal with her anger against him. He's allowing it to go on, probably saying little things to set her off - The longer she's spewing at you, he feels he's off the hook for what HE has done to her.

 

Don't call him, if you do that then it will make things worse. You can call the Police, let them know what has been going on and slap a harrassment suit against them both.

 

She needs to focus on her husband and try to salvage their marriage now. It's time.

[scaredinlove]

probably saying little things to set her off -

 

He made a coment a couple of weeks ago, that was probably the last I talked to him, he said something like...And them I told her your are just a phone call away to shut her up.........

 

I think you gotta a point...

[pureinheart]

I guess it's just that "male" thing again--he is protecting his territory, which is HIS life (emotional base) including wife and family. From what I have gained, recently, mistresses are just temporary territory and can be disgarded easily where a life-time commitment may not be so easy to absolve.

I think the majority of OW are shocked when they are forced to see this in action and it does feel just awful / sickening.

It just terrible when the emotional bond one thought they had just swirls down the drain like throwing out spoiled soup...

As for protecting the OW; I doubt there is any emotional strength for that as the MM is dealing w/ the onslaught of his broken marriage and that is where he would most likely put his energy.

Questions from the BS such as "did you love her?" are likely answered as "not like I love you"..."it was nothing"..."it was just sex"...etc.

Though it is good that those closest to you understand the damage this has caused if there is any lesson to be learned I feel that we must do the same--protect ourselves, our territories: our emotional health.

You have good friends and family who obviously love you so you are very lucky!

Also, if you were to engage w/ the wife in her anger it would most likely feed it (that is probably what she wants: to disrupt your life as hers has been) so just be silent. BUT

If you feel endangered do call the authorities!

 

 

Puddle, this is very well put and so true, maybe that is why I am, feeling the way I do, realizing the same truth again! ((((((hugs)))))))

[pureinheart]

Their marriage is not even being fixed right now because she's so focussed on making you suffer. I wonder if he's letting her do this so he doesn't have to deal with her anger against him. He's allowing it to go on, probably saying little things to set her off - The longer she's spewing at you, he feels he's off the hook for what HE has done to her.

 

Don't call him, if you do that then it will make things worse. You can call the Police, let them know what has been going on and slap a harrassment suit against them both.

 

She needs to focus on her husband and try to salvage their marriage now. It's time.

 

This is so true....also thanks for letting me vent