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[Guest]

Hi,

In May of 2005 I left my fiance' of over 7 years. We had lived together for almost 6 out of those 7 years, worked together (separate offices), and had a great time together. When I met him I was 25 and he was 30. I had already been in one live-in relationship and also been on my own for quite some time....he was still living at home w/ his mom...he is Italian and in that culture that is not very uncommon (think "Everyone loves Raymond").

 

Anyways, we had a very passionate love affair. We were best friends. We did everything together. After a few years we did occassionally fight...but I guess everyone fights? Almost all of our fights were a result of him being dishonest with me about something.....and usually he was lying about the dumbest stuff... as if he was lying just to be secretive or something....I don't know. Anyways, the last year of our relationship was different...it got really bad. I caught him lying about bigger stuff....like he was chatting online on porn sites w/ other women. He was also talking to another girl from the gym on a cell phone # that I didn't even know he had. The lies got so bad that I coudln't handle it anymore.

 

He swore that he and the other girl were just friends...and so did she after I confronted her....but it continued despite my being hurt by this "emotional affair". Yes, we went to counselors....a couple actually...very little help there other than draining our wallets. I finally moved out after the fighting and the lies became too much for me to handle. I literally called up a moving company one night and told them to be there the next day to pack the whole house and move. He was stunned. He tried to rectify the situation simply by putting his female friend on the phone to tell me that they are just friends and that there is nothing to worry about....I was furious.....and gone. A week or two after I left he insisted that we try counseling again....

 

I agreed, but was still untrusting of him. Shortly afterwards I hired a P.I. to see what the deal was w/ him and the female friend. Seems that they really were just friends....he followed them for a while and only one time did they meet at a restaurant...he was already inside eating and she came in to talk to him. When they left they talked in the parking lot for a while....standing a few feet apart...never touching. When they said goodbye he gave her a peck on the cheek (She is latin...so?)....at least that is how it looked on the tape...

 

and they went there seperate ways...no hotel room or romp in the car...that was it. But when I asked him what he did on that night....before he knew I had them followed...he said nothing...so once again he lied...why? At this point I believe that she really wanted to break us up and had her own agenda....although nothing ever seems to have come of it. She has left him messages pleaing for him and saying she loves him etc...maybe they hooked up after I left him or months later....but nothing substantial ever came of it....she seems to be out of the picture.

 

NOW, over a YEAR later, the ex is still in my life. We have been back and forth since the breakup. He always comes to me. I'll ignore him....he'll keep contacting me....then no commitment. We did "hook up" a few times this year back in Feb/March...then it blew up again because I would freak out when I saw him out w/ another woman. Here is the deal: He has been VERY casually dating this older girl that lives in his neighborhood since the beginning of the year. I don't really know the "status" of their involvement.

 

He never stays over at her place and she has never stayed over at his (I still talk to my neighbors...obviously)....and HE has told me this himself. We have been talking now again for the past 2 months. HE contacted ME....again. He tells me that his involvement w/ the other girl is more like companionship....he is absolutely NOT in love w/ her...doesn't even talk to her every day....just goes out for a bite to eat once in a while w/ her etc...whatever. I have had my run-in w/ her before. I caused a huge scene last July since he and I had just had lunch and we were reconnecting ....then I saw him out w/ her....and I flipped out.

 

It ended up by her walking about a mile or so home in her dress and heels and my crying in his driveway....rediculous I know. Then I avoided him for quite some time again....but he keeps coming back into my life...and I let him. For quite some time now (months) I have told him not to contact me unless he wants to put this back together the right way....but he keeps coming...keeps calling etc...

 

Now that we have been talking CONSISTENTLY for the past 2 months .... and we have met a few times for lunch and Sunday breakfast and a ride along the beach....things have crossed the line a little, fliratiously, but we were NOT intimate this time. I ask him what he wants and he hesitates and says he is scared that things will not work. He refuses to contact the other girl and tell her adios as well....but knowing him, it is more his style just to blow her off slowly than to have a confrontation.

 

A couple of weeks ago I told him I was tired of this "dance" and want to go on w/ my life since he cannot seem to figure out what he wants....then he flipped out and said "but I was thinking all weekend about us reconciling and maybe even living together again one day"....so a few days later...I went to his office and said "o.k., if that is what you were thinking about....let's spend the weekend together".....he backed away and said no. He even said "I didn't say living together again"!!

 

what? He also acted like he was afraid that I was trying to get him in trouble w/ someone else....like that girl that he says he is NOT in a relationship with? huh? What is going on here? I have not been the initiator of any contact for many many months. HE ALWAYS COMES TO ME FIRST. He seems to be casually dating but states he still has feelings for me and definetly is not in love w/ her or anyone else. Keeps telling me over and over again that he is "single"...and can do whatever he wants. He comes towards me....then if I come a little towards him....he runs away. If I ignore him completely....he chases after me....literally. How do I get this vicous cycle to end one way or another? I either want to reconcile.....or stop this nonsense b/c it is getting absolutely nowhere....or if it is leading somewhere it sure is taking a hell of a long time? please help!!!!

 

As it stands right now, I sent him a final email on 12/19 telling him that I am tired of being in "limbo" and that I will never be contacting him again and that I expect him to do the same since he clearly doesn't know what he wants and can't commit. I have stuck to it. But...of course, he has already tried to call me and sent me an email w/ excuses etc... Now what? I either want him to tell me we are reconciling or end ALL communication. PLEASE HELP!!!

[simon sez]

How do I get this vicous cycle to end one way or another?

 

Do the VERY SAME THING HE IS DOING.

Start dating someone else. Men who are doing what he is are the ones who

can't stand it when it is done to them. Tell him that he is RIGHT. That you have decided that you BOTH can do whatever you want because you are single. You are making this too easy on him. Women that wait in the backround like you are waiting for a man to make up his mind are destined for misery and failure. Start dating and let him find out you are out having fun and enjoying your life like never before. When he calls you be pleasant on the phone, don't talk about your relationship, cut him off and tell him thanks for calling,but you are busy and are just leaving the house. Be mysterious. This man is begging you to be a challenge and stand up and have some self respect. Give him what he is begging for.

[D-Lish]

I agree with the last post.

The way you react to him is predictable- and he counts on that.

He may always contact you first- but you always respond and make yourself available to him. He knows this because he knows you so well. If you want to have an impact you have to take the route of the unpredictable.

 

Don't return his calls this time.

 

Because you guys have such a long history, it's hard to walk away from the familiarity you two have with one another.

 

But if you want to be treated right, and you want a true lasting commitment with this man, you will have to play hard ball. So that means turning your back on him completely until he figures out what he wants.