HAS THIS (or something like it)EVER HAPPENED TO YOU????

[Guest]

hI TO ALL THE LDR POSTERS;

I want to keep a long story brief... long story-reader's digest version.

My guy and I have been in a LDR for 5+ years now... next year is to get much better.

 

We only now get to see each other on wkds as he moved even further away for career.

 

My problem is, that even tho I don't want to make this the issue (porn) I basically deal with his porn use (never have liked it_ understand it to some degree-- we have our own movies now, and well-porn just doesn't boost my sense of self as a woman, as his lover and it leaves me feeling replaced and I truly just hate the idea that he is getting off on those porn (whores-no offense to any one; i jsut feel better calling them that)

The issue is tho, that since his move, and now his porn dvds are back out in the open and in his bedroom-- great--i love seeing them (hint of sarcasm) they remind me of what I am not, what he does with them and what we aren't sharing(no I dont care about masturbation--its the porn) and yes I fullly understand we are in a LDR, but that is what our movies were for. He hasn't unpacked those yet --that is another thing leaving me feeling badly.

 

What has happened tho is that I wrote him a long letter about my feeling re Porn and we haven't seen each other over holiday so we have had a 2 week separation. In that time, I have envisioned him whacking one out with the porn, and it is driving me crazy with feelings of rock bottom I just feel ugly.

 

I literally feel ugly and unattractive and just can't even feel happy to know we will celebrate our Christmas together this New Years weekend; as well as New Years together.

 

i feel distant, I feel resentment, I feel a bit hateful, I feel unloving and unwarm toward him. I can't get excited about being with him . He has called me with somehappy messages, ( I avoided picking up the phone) and his emails had some cute messages and excitement for plans this weekend and I can't even find some tiny shred of excitement for it.

I wouldn't even know that I have been in love with this man for 5 years and we have had some rough times ( he cheated on me once that I know of and somehow we have made our relationship work inspite of how that hurt me) and I have forgiven him.

 

I wouldn't even know that I would do anything for guy and plan to uproot next year to be with him.

 

NOw, I am aksing myself if I really want to be with him, if I want to live my life with him if I can accept or tolerate the one thing that I can't stand about him--porn. (and thankfully he is not an addict and I don't bleieve it is even internet porn--oh thank you.....)but it is troublesome to me and my sense of me as a sexual woman and we have an INCREDIBLE sex life-- I am very into the wild side of sex with him (no 3rd parties tho)

 

The letter I wrote, I figure he will have some response to when we see each other... and I know i should allow for that to happen and be his friend the way I have always been, but I feel soooooooo numb and distanced that it is almost frightening.

 

Has anything like this ever happene to any of you????

thanks

[coastallinguist]

Hello guest.

 

You said you kind of understand him turning to pornography at times. To me, it sounds like a healthy, self-controlled way to find the release he is looking for. Instead of looking outside the relationship, he looks to himself and some visual and auditory assistance. Perhaps you could give him a video of yourself? I know that for me, an erotic photo of the woman I love is much more useful than pictures or videos of other semi-fictional women.

 

The fact that he did cheat on you in the past speaks to why you feel the way you do. That he remains attracted to women other than yourself can't feel very good, but if he is a person who needs that much release in his life and you're not there, he's going to handle it himself (pun intended). My honest suggestion is (if you feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of the camera and letting him have a copy of something in which you're in your birthday suit) then you could start out making a solo video using a toy or two, choose favorable lighting, even have one of your girlfriends do your make-up for you. It might even be a gratifying/liberating experience for you.

 

I think you'd feel a lot better about him rubbing one out to you than to those of some video vixen.

[shoesies05]

I totally agree with the linguist!

 

It is a healthier thing to do rahter than to be seeing other women. Honestly, he would be jacking off anyways. I know that sex 1 a week or only one day a week would drive me crazy!

 

Try to send him a vid. of yourself, im sure he'll love it. And him looking at pornos doesnt make you unattractive or anything of the like, it means that he's away from you, horny, and needs some visual stimulation to be able to settle down.

[CardPlay3r]

If you decide not to be with him, do it because of the cheating not because of porn!!

 

I mean, he has the needs, he has to masturbate to something...you can do the same, watch some porn a kind you'd like

[Island Girl]

First -

 

if this is truly about the porn - just realize MOST guys watch porn - it is not about what you aren't. Trust me he is not evaluating you against the girls on the screen. That is not what men do -- or even what women do when they watch porn.

 

It is fantasy - just a purely sexual release that has nothing to do with intimacy and love.

 

Sometimes a man watches porn and it is what he fantasizes about but not necessarily what he would actually want to do with his significant other.

 

Like a 3 way - it might be something a man fantasizes about but would not want to participate in with his wife because he doesn't want anyone touching her, except him, in real life.

 

You may be feeling threatened because of the affair.

 

Perhaps you think he is watching these girls because he is longing for something you don't have or wanting a girl that looks like those girls and you don't.

 

If that is the case, you have not gotten past the affair. You still have lingering issues with the fact that he cheated before and may be insecure that it could happen again.

 

If you acknowledge that and talk to him about it -- it could help.

 

Is he completely open about his life and what he is doing at all times?

 

I have a VERY successful LDR and have for quite sometime. The main reason it works so well is we have become partners in decisions and are completely open about where we are - who we're with - what is happening - at any given moment. No question is off-limits. And no question is answered with a question (i.e. "where is this coming from?" or "why are you asking?"). If I ask a question - any question - it is answered and vice versa.

 

We illustrate our lives to each other to create a sense of being there (I hope that makes sense).

 

If there is any feeling of insecurity, that stems from the affair or the distance, more openess and honest communication on both sides could help - starting on your side with a conversation about the porn and try to leave emotion out of it. Just talk. It really might help.

[Guest]

""

 

You may be feeling threatened because of the affair.

 

Perhaps you think he is watching these girls because he is longing for something you don't have or wanting a girl that looks like those girls and you don't.

 

If that is the case, you have not gotten past the affair. You still have lingering issues with the fact that he cheated before and may be insecure that it could happen again.

 

If you acknowledge that and talk to him about it -- it could help.

 

Is he completely open about his life and what he is doing at all times?

TO ALL THE POSTER ABOVE:

THANKS FOR THE THOUGHTS AND KIND WORDS.

here is the issue;

yes I don't think I have gotten over the one nite affair he had....

I don't think one can truly,,, I have forgiven but am not ever 100% secure.

 

We have made our own nekkid-loving videos so he has those. and when he moved he unpacked the commercial porn but not our vids. I have approaced him about pulling out our vid camera again twice and he seems to ignore and dismiss this---really not sure why except in the context of "too much drama"

 

maybe I approached it with too much on the agenda rather than trying to keep it simple. I would feel much better about the porn if I knew he could and did balance it out with our home made goodies.... at least it would give me the reassurance that he isn't bored with me.

 

to his benefit, he does have an extremely demanding and emotional career and basically sees people on death's door often enough..so drama is something he doesn't do well with ....

but I have needs and feelings and sometimes can't find a way to approach them wihthout it becoming a dramatic difficulty for him.

 

As well, I have been blessed and cursed to be the "older woman" of the relationship by 6 years. So I am the one who seems to be getting older ( in # only tho.. I really feel great, am in better shape than my 20's, still am told I look like i am 10 yrs younger than actual age and that he looks older than me.

and sex is wilder than it has ever been....

sooooo , in my mind the permantly never aging 25 yr old hotties of porn will always out do me even if my O's are REAL mega multiple and all the extras that come with that....

they stay 25 with hot bodies and while we are apart, I can't give to our sexual relationship that way I do when together...so it is a fear, a threat and a worry.

 

I just don't know how to make it better, but maybe to try and communicate on a very simple, small scale, singular item with him agian and see if that at least opens the doors for more communication/understanding.

 

Otherwise our LDR does work very well and since his breach of our relationship 2 yrs ago this month.... I at least do know that he has made a greater commitment to us... we do know more about the who, what , when where and why.... that helps a lot!!!!!

 

anyway, all your thoughts and suggestions are great and at least thought provoking and sincere.

keep em coming --thanks

[sb129]

Hey- don't worry. All those porn chicks look the same. Bet you look great and like YOU, which is how he obviously likes you.

 

And I agree with the others. I would much rather my BF was jacking off to porn than getting it on with other woman.

 

My ex used to get out of bed and check it out on our computer when I wasn't up for sex. He would even leave his loo roll next to the keyboard. GROSS! But at least I got to go to sleep when I wanted.