NC and the prospects of getting her back.

[Guest]

Ok. Been doing quite a lot of reading and decided to see if you guys can help me.

 

I would like to give you the whole story and I even wrote everything down but I deleted it because it was to damn long.

If you want I can give you some more details later.

 

Me and my ex had been broken up for about a month, but none of us wished to break contact. And on Christmas we really did "break up for real". The reason being that, she couldnt make up her mind about what she really wanted. She was clear with not wanting to be with me in a relationship bc she had nothing to give, and not wanting to be with anyone else for that matter either.

 

But she was contradictive in many ways. 1. She said that she loves me and the only person she WOULD want to be in a relationship with is me. 2. She was/is having contact with another guy that she met online/myspace.She even saw him at one point. When confronted about this, she answered me with the same: She is not that interested in him, and nothing is gonna happen between them. But she likes talking with him.

 

Anyway I told her that refuse to be the one in the background seeing all this happen before my eyes. She still didnt want me to break contact with her though and also said that its really hard for her to let me go and that time will tell what happens. Anyway, come christmas eve and Im at her house. It was torture being there, knowing I was her ex. So after a while I tell her that I cant do this anymore and I was going to leave. She flips out!And starts accusing me that Im going out to party and **** around.

 

And when her mother intervenes, she becomes even angrier and starts to argue with her.Partly bc she knew her mother loves me and is on my side, and doesnt want her dating anyone else than me. Anyway, she really flips out and yells at me not to ever contact her again. So I leave. Then after 1 hour I get several angry texts. I decide to go in to NC right there and then. After 2 days she calls me and I dont answer. Then she texts me saying that: Ok i got it. Just wanted to ask a question. I reply the next day with ok so ask me.

 

And she replies with, No, I already got my answer.

Im doing this NC thing bc I DO want her back, and also bc even If I dont, this is the best way to get over her which I will be forced to do anyway if he doesnt come back.

 

The reason I have hope is: She wanted me to marry her. She still says she loves me and have feelings for me. And also the fact that, the only one she wants to be with in a relationship is me. If thats not just a copout just to not hurt me. But I belive her. And she never really wanted to break contact.

And also,

 

WHY did she flip out, when I finally backed off? I mean it couldnt have been just bc it was Christmas?

I just wanted to know what are the prospects of her changing her mind if I do this NC thing?

 

For the record, we started out in a LDR relationship, and then she moved in with me, left and then we continued the LDR knowing that I would be coming home permanently after getting me degree and then broke up again. She's 21 and Im 25.

 

Right one more thing, I also read somewhere, that you shouldnt go into NC without easing the tension first after a big fight or something to that extent.

 

So I actually left an email a couple of hours ago saying that Im not mad at her or hate her, no hard feelings, and I respect your feelings even if that means being without me and that I wish her good luck, not saying goodbye but goodluck I hope I havent blown my chances. I need to know! What do you make out of all of this?

[Guest]

Even though I haven't gotten any replies yet I would like to update you.

After getting that e-mail in which I wrote that I have no hard feelings and that I wish her luck and I'll see her around.

 

She texts me today saying: "Why did you write me that? Totally unnecessary and it is like pouring salt on open wounds! so "wonderful" that we have to seperate like this". I dont know what she meant by that. It's as if I was the one who wished to leave. Thing is also, she also said in the text, that she is going to the hospital bc of her physical problems. Now, I feel like breaking NC just because of that.

 

I havent replied yet to her text. But I do want to see how she's doing now that she said that she'll go the hospital. I do know her, she will probably think I really dont give a f about her if I dont reply. And quite frankly I will feel like an a-hole if I dont even ask if she's ok. I want to text her or call her. Soon!

[notmakingsense]

She's mad because you won't let her have her cake and eat it too. I think that she wants to step back from the relationship to see if there is something to this other guy -- or other men in general -- but she wants you to hang around until she makes up her mind. This isn't acceptable to you, and that is pissing her off.

 

Stick with no contact now, and don't break it until you are convinced that she's made up her mind and is chosinig a real relationship with you.

 

While you are in no contact, try to think about what you really want in a woman and whether or not she fits the bill.

[Guest]

She's mad because you won't let her have her cake and eat it too. I think that she wants to step back from the relationship to see if there is something to this other guy -- or other men in general -- but she wants you to hang around until she makes up her mind. This isn't acceptable to you, and that is pissing her off.

 

Stick with no contact now, and don't break it until you are convinced that she's made up her mind and is chosinig a real relationship with you.

 

While you are in no contact, try to think about what you really want in a woman and whether or not she fits the bill.

 

Alright yea, thats my train of thought too right now.

But now she just sent msg saying that she wants to meet me to end things in a peaceful manner. I tend to think that she means what she says but she DOES want to meet me just to see me and feel something.

However, a couple of thoughts run through my head. Of course I want to meet her too. And Im going to, but not right now. I feel like saying: Why do you want to meet me? I've already made peace with you. So that she realises that I'm actually am ready to move on. And then postpone the meeting just to show up looking slick and go along with anything she has to say with my chin up. What do you guys think? I think I've killed the needy part in me and she's starting to feel it. Otherwise why the hell would she want to meet me? Even if it is just to end it peace fully.

[daphne]

notmaking sense hit the nail on the head. Your ex is immature and selfish and expected you to pine away for her while she makes up her mind as to what she wants. She's too indecisive. You can't let someone that's unstable to have any influence on your emotional health. She's hoping she can call the shots and if you let her, she'll mess with your head even more.

 

No contact is what I'd recommend.

[notmakingsense]

Alright yea, thats my train of thought too right now.

But now she just sent msg saying that she wants to meet me to end things in a peaceful manner. I tend to think that she means what she says but she DOES want to meet me just to see me and feel something.

However, a couple of thoughts run through my head. Of course I want to meet her too. And Im going to, but not right now. I feel like saying: Why do you want to meet me? I've already made peace with you. So that she realises that I'm actually am ready to move on. And then postpone the meeting just to show up looking slick and go along with anything she has to say with my chin up. What do you guys think? I think I've killed the needy part in me and she's starting to feel it. Otherwise why the hell would she want to meet me? Even if it is just to end it peace fully.

 

I think that's the right choice -- she is sensing that your neediness is going away...

 

I wouldn't even bother with a postponement. Just send her a note that tells her that you think that all there is to say has been said, and that you wish her all the best.

 

While you might not actually feel that way on the inside, trust me, sending her off like that will drive her crazy! Then after sending the note -- strict NC!

[Rooster_DAR]

Even though I haven't gotten any replies yet I would like to update you.

After getting that e-mail in which I wrote that I have no hard feelings and that I wish her luck and I'll see her around.

 

She texts me today saying: "Why did you write me that? Totally unnecessary and it is like pouring salt on open wounds! so "wonderful" that we have to seperate like this". I dont know what she meant by that. It's as if I was the one who wished to leave. Thing is also, she also said in the text, that she is going to the hospital bc of her physical problems. Now, I feel like breaking NC just because of that.

 

I havent replied yet to her text. But I do want to see how she's doing now that she said that she'll go the hospital. I do know her, she will probably think I really dont give a f about her if I dont reply. And quite frankly I will feel like an a-hole if I dont even ask if she's ok. I want to text her or call her. Soon!

 

 

WTF? This is why men always think that women are the ones screwed up. My EX did the same freaking thing to me, and countless other guys on this thread in the last few months. This is bullshi**, don't take this crap from her anymore. For the most part I'm okay, but whenever I read a post where someone else is getting screwed like this it pi**es me of to no end. Who in the **ck do they think they are? Immaturity is a major understatement, it's unacceptable behaviour in a relationship and it's completely unacceptable as an adult.

 

I can't believe I even cried or pined for my EX now that I think about it, nobody that selfish deserves to be cared about at all.

 

Okay, I'm done venting for the night. Good luck dude.

[phoenix21]

I feel the same way. That is the same thing that happened to me. My ex broke up with me 4 months ago saying that she doesn't know what she wanted. I know that it's partly my fault, but she let some other guy make her question our relationship. she said the same thing that she's not interested in this other guy. blah blah blah. Then I come to find out after a while that she's seeing him. WTF.

 

I think my ex was doing the same thing for me. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. I've also messed up with being needy at times and showing her my weakness. It's not easy.

 

I've learned now that if that happens, you can't act needy. You just have to act like you don't care. I've already screwed up that part. All I can tell you is to work on yourself. You're going to have your moments when it gets to you, you just have to overcome them. Good Luck.

[stanchain]

Gosh not the first one to write this huh DAR.... hey guest.. .it would be nice if you signed it and became a memeber of our lil home... but until then... roooster can tell you I have been on here for like the last month going through exactly what you are going through. I mean almost to a tee... Now whether you want ot believe it or not usually there is something going on between them. My ex pulled the same bullsh-t with me. Oh not interested in him blah blah blah blah. But she aint here with me. After 3 years she just walked away and said the same things your ex is saying. NC is the only way to even have a chance to get her back. But like many will tell you... dont get your hopes up. move on with your life and do your best to forget about her... In fact when you have some free time read my thread and you will get a wealth of advice and see what I have been going through... and you will see.. they all say the same things and we (guys) all think the same things based on what they say. It has taken me a lot of loveshack therapy.. but I can finally sleep in my bed again. Up until 2 days ago I would not even sleep my bed because of what we shared... so spend some time reading... spend the rest of your time moving on withyour life.... here is the thread... check it out:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t107141/

[Guest]

Ok thanks for all the replies.

But damnit, you have to persuade me more not to meet here. Because the thing is this. I'm going back to the city I study in to take care of some final things and I'll be gone for about a month. That is one of the reasons she wants to meet me and "end it peacefully". You're probably right that I should'nt even postpone. But I really dont want her last image of me be this broken down needy guy. I would just like to show up looking my best and acting like the man she fell in love with. Would it be such a fatal mistake?

[Guest]

I just have to let you know one more thing.

I do believe her when she says that nothing is gonna happen between her and this guy. For several reasons. But the major reason is that he doesn't even live in this city. And I KNOW it is highly unlikely that she is going to enter a damn LDR again with this guy. But then again, just the fact that she's talking to him should be enough for me to go strict NC.

But could someone give me a definition of STRICT NC?

[stanchain]

NC means no contact at all:

You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this. Subconciously I think they want to hurt you, so you can hurt like they did.

that is how i take it... forget about contacting her. believe it or not it will eat at her because she will wonder why you just stopped talking to her. it is hard and you will think that she will forget about you and wont think about you. but something I realized the other day is that whether we think they will or not. they think about it. cause just like you and I they have egos, and wonder how in the world you dont want to call them or talk ot them. Like in hte last couple postings in my thread. She came to our place and started checking my comp trying to see who I have been talking to and things of that nature. Somebdy on here told me something.. and that was that if she loves you like she says she loves you.. then she would be there with you.. not talking ot other guys and things of that nature... think about it... and read my thread... it is long and has a lot of posts... but it does have some great info in it.. GREAT ADVICE

[notmakingsense]

Ok thanks for all the replies.

But damnit, you have to persuade me more not to meet here. Because the thing is this. I'm going back to the city I study in to take care of some final things and I'll be gone for about a month. That is one of the reasons she wants to meet me and "end it peacefully". You're probably right that I should'nt even postpone. But I really dont want her last image of me be this broken down needy guy. I would just like to show up looking my best and acting like the man she fell in love with. Would it be such a fatal mistake?

 

That would depend on how you will really end up acting when she see's you. The problem is that you guys have set up this meeting to 'end it peacefully.' This means that you will be talking about heavy relationship stuff, and so on. This would be a BAD MOVE because it will be easy for you to then make mistakes and come across as needy again.

 

IF you can have a quick meeting to do any business. Be light, funny, then SAY GOODBYE before getting in to any relationship subjects, then you could do this.

 

But be honest with yourself. Most of us can't handle a meeting like that when the relationship is ending. No contact is a much better option in this case.

 

Also, the real point that all of us are trying to make here is that she isn't worth your pain/effort. Who cares if she sees you as strong/not-needy? You are moving on from her, right?

[stanchain]

Dont really know if you took the time to read my post... but if you love her like i love melis... DO NOT MEET HER.... I REPEAT DO NOT MEET HER. it will do nothing but eat you up inside.. and give her the power. because no matter how strong you are on here... you will get weak face to face. hapen to me like 2-3 times.. and after i met with her it was like the first day we broke up all over again. if you want her back... NO CONTACT... JUST DONT TALK TO HER... i mean... listen to the people on here... they are better than me and such.. i am a sucker and met up with my girl....oops my ex girl and she played me like a flute and got exactly what she wanted. but the first time i did NC for 4-5 days... she ran to my house out of nowhere.... and me like a dummy let her come in and we talked and both cried and then she had the power all over again. Now I am on day 7 of NC and she called my job this morning to see what time I work. she didnt come by thank goodness... but she called. SO i mean... do not call her or see her until she decides what she wants... if it is you GREAT... but otherwise move on and enjoy life bro

[Tox]

Ok so now I’ve registered.

Stanchain, read your post and her acts have been somewhat similar but I haven’t gotten all the details out with my ex. Everybodys situation is a little different. Im gonna get back to you on that.

I just want to update and vent a little.

I never responded to the text saying I’d like to see you so we can end this peacefully i.e. the meeting. The next day she sends me a text with two words. Religious love. R.Kelllys song. A song we both know well and like. I don’t know if you heard it but it’s about him praying to God to get his love back. Gotta admit, this confused me but, I decided to pay it no mind. The next day she sends me another text wishing me and my family a happy holiday. There was another holiday this saturday for the religion that both of us theoretically belong to. I decided to respond to it, but waited several hours and just replied with. “Thanks, same to you too.”.

So here comes New Years Eve, I felt soo messed up at the party I was in. One reason because it wasn’t jumping, and almost everybody there were there as a couple. But I had decided that I would NOT contact her and say happy new year. When 2006 turned to 2007 and the champagne was popping I really felt miserable. A couple of hours later. She calls. Unexpected. I want to answer but I don’t. And 2 seconds later she texts me. What she said in it affirmed that she got angry and her jealousy appeared again. Im not gonna quote it directly but she basically said: 'I hope youre getting laid..happy new year to you.' I know her and me not answering makes her sad/mad at the same time. Thats why she wrote that. However, I decide to respond and lighten it up by saying: You’re cute when your jealous;). This calms her down and she resppnds. Hmm no, not jealous. Just wanted to hear your voice and thank you for everything you gave me in this year. Where you at?

[i call her. I know I know shame on me, but I had been drinking,

Even though Im drunk I did not mess up…I think… or maybe I did. During the conversation I was calm and collected. In short; We say Hi, I don’t ask who she is with. She asks, I say Im with some friends that she knows. We talk a little about what she did tonight. Casual conversation.She says she just wanted to hear my voice, and I say its good to hear her voice too. Then I don’t know if it was foolish of me to say: ‘I thought about you when the clock striked’. But she replied and said. ‘I thought about you too’. More casual conversation. Then she mentions that she called to hear my voice again. And this time I say, well, if you wanna hear my voice more often, Im not preventing you to call me. And she says, well the same goes for you. And then we kind of both hurry to end the conversation. Just a 5 minute conversation.

Still don’t know what to make out of it other than I know she misses me.

Anyway, this NC was broken after 7 days of no telephone contact. And it was initiated by her.

The thing is. I don’t know what she’s been up to. If she has seen/talked to someone or not. If she’s trying to move on or if she’s sitting at home also pining after me. After all she never wanted to break contact.

And I don’t really know what that e-mail did to her. Me pretending to be fine with her feelings of not wanting a relationship right now and that I wish her good luck and all the best.

Because she might be thinking. ‘Oh, so he’s giving up..well then I guess its time for me to move on too.’ And maybe were both going into NC. I just don’t know.. think I have to give some details for you all to really understand the situation but this was long enough for now.Any input?

[stanchain]

hey bro... check this out.. the thread of mine you read was closer to the end.. i mean the end of me giving up and such. My ex was doing the same stuff thoug.. calling me telling me how she felt and all the good stuff. Letting me know she loved me and did not want our love to die... all that great stuff that me and you want to hear. But when it was all said and done that was not to make me feel better, or you for that matter. that stuff is said because they want their cake and eat it too. The want to know that they always can come back.. That their bread is still buttered. My ex called me new years day. I mean I wanted to answer and I didnt. SHe made some lame excuse as to why she had ot go by our place and asked me to call her. I didnt. when i got home she had picked up the water hose(her excuse for coming by) and left her keys (which she was supposed to do last week) and a note. Here is the note...

Take care stanchain. you are a wonderful man and I will always love you and you will always be in my heart and soul. I am proud of you and I hope that all your new years resolutions come true. Love always melissa

p.s. this was a great home

*if you ever want to talk you know my #)

now why did she leave it huh? easy because she wants me htinking about her and not enjoying my life. Very similar to what your ex is doing. I know it is hard to believe. But doing that enables them to feel better about walking away. My ex used to say that talking to me made me miss her more. But ya know what since starting NC on the 22nd. She has called me 2 times, my job 3 times, and left that note. SO is she getting jealous? is she wondering what I am doing? sure... i am sure she is... And that is what NC is all about. Letting them wonder get jealous... what she was saying to you was grrrreat.. because jealousy is a very strong emotion. And as long as she has those emotions you are good. I dont remember how long you two were together.. but I am sure she still has feelings and knows that you do too... but until you and I can move on and enjoy life without themm.... there is no chance they will ever come back... holla at ya boy