Eyes open orgasms with casual sex??

[Salesgirl]

Hi,

 

I have a situation which is sort of confusing. This guy I've been "seeing" off and on for almost 6 months is rather confusing. He has said that he doesn't want a "complicated relationship," but at the same time, has said to his friends later that that is what we have. He originally said that he only wanted a one night stand with me, but here it is 6 months later. We have been off and on... he is afraid of committment because he was married and his wife cheated on him when he was actually right out of a car accident and couldn't walk and was in a wheelchair and walker. She was sleeping with many different people. He now also has a daughter with her.

 

HE was the one to introduce me to his friends, who call me "his girl", and he has called me his gf, say that we were seeing each other, etc. But at the same time, say that it was "only sex." However, there is tons of holding hands and kissing on the lips, calling himself my bf. So, it seems like mixed signals if you ask me. He also has said that he is "p---y whipped" by me and I have "lured him in." He knows that he can only sleep with me while he is sleeping with me, and I am doing the same, and we are only dating each other. He also knows that if we date someone else, we will let each other know, and he knows that will be the end of me if he does that. However, it is supposedly still "just sex." We don't hang out very much like go on dates, but we watch movies while cuddling on the couch and stuff. He seems to need a lot of space, which I can respect.

 

The last time he pulled back and then came back, he said that he was sorry that he had hurt me, but doesn't think that he is good for a relationship, even sexual, but wishes that he was. He also looked very sad and said that he was sorry that he has messed things up with me, but that he had severe issues, and that he still had not slept with anyone else. I can respect that, but at the same time, am trying to make sense of it and just see if there is any feelings at all. My guess is that there are, but he's afraid of them, and that is why he keeps backing off.

 

The sex is great between us. It doesn't seem like your usual "sex buddy" type sex with me, but he claims that is just his personality. ???? He has recently said that he "wants to look in my eyes when he has an O." It just doesn't seem like this is something that people would normally do with a casual sex person. In fact, not much of this does, although sometimes he claims that is all this is. I sometimes wonder if he is trying to convince himself that is what it is. What is your opinion?

[blind_otter]

Sounds like he is trying to convince himself. I used to be like your guy, very afraid of committment. With my present SO it took a looooong time before I would even admit that we were in a serious relationship.

 

Is there any way you can have a conversation with him about this? or have you had a conversation about it and he re-affirmed his belief that this is casual?

[dropdeadlegs]

I had a 15 month similar relationship with a friend. Neither of us referred to the other as anything but friends in my case, though. We both developed some kind of feeling for one another that most would term as more than mere friendship but there was never a day that either of us thought that it would mature into something more, like living together or marriage. He was and is a conformed bachelor.

 

We, too were monogamous. Eventually I ended up stopping the FWB aspect and we have returned to FWOB.

 

I don't really know what you WANT from this relationship. Do you want more? Are you afraid that he does? i think that often one party ends up wanting more.

 

One piece of info...most men do not say one thing and mean another when they are in an honest relationship. I know some cheat and lie, some are simply players, but I don't think they double-speak in the way many women do by saying what they think you want to hear yet truly hoping that what you want to hear will change in time. Men tend to avoid answering the question and avert the subject rather than say what you want to hear to pacify you.

 

Only he can answer your questions!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If its "just sex" then I guess what you mean is that it is not ok that either of you have sex with other people. That would make it ok for you to date other people as long as you don't have sex, I mean you do deserve to go out right. I would bring it up with him to carify.

[Salesgirl]

I'm not positive which aspect of the thread this is referring to:

 

One piece of info...most men do not say one thing and mean another when they are in an honest relationship. I know some cheat and lie, some are simply players, but I don't think they double-speak in the way many women do by saying what they think you want to hear yet truly hoping that what you want to hear will change in time. Men tend to avoid answering the question and avert the subject rather than say what you want to hear to pacify you.

 

I don't get the feeling that he has been saying what he "thinks" that I want to hear. I think that he has been saying what he thinks/trying to be honest, but I don't know.

 

About dating other people, it was stated that we could date other people, but he was pretty adamant that he did not want to, and also kept swearing on his daughter's life that he was not sleeping with anyone else, and although he is flirtatious, never acted on it and did not want anyone else. He also said that if he did want to date or see or sleep with anyone else, he would let me know. He also said that he knew that if he slept with someone else, that I would be really hurt.

 

I don't mind this not being a super serious relationship, especially not at th every beginning. I don't have much time right now, and I can also understand where he's at. He has said that I am good at not pressuring him about things. What I would like to do is take things really slow, and see if things progress or whatever. I was just wondering opinions.

 

Thanks.

[Guest]

you need to figure out what it is that YOU want....from him or in general.

 

He is having a fancy time with you and you are allowing it.

 

Tough choices and tough finesse is he is who you really want? Is he..? really??

 

If you like the just sex thing, then balls to the wall, eyes wide open (every encounter of mine), just enjoy every moment and ...inch of it.

 

If you love him and want a 'Relationship' with him ...make him fall in love with you...i.e...be unavailable...difficult...a challange....

 

Sucks, but men ....especially the non commitable type love this, exquistie tourture....again ...do you really want to go there?

 

Good gaming...

 

ps..no one wins.....

[dropdeadlegs]

I was giving me experience and could have done a better job by quoting some of your statements.

 

The eyes open thing.. why is that so weird to you? I do believe that sex is a better experience for me overall with someone I genuinely LOVE, but in my FWB era we definitely cared very much about one another and sex was still very personal. We weren't having "just sex" the way some of the characters on Nip/Tuck do. We were friends that didn't want, nor expect our sexual relationship to mature to anything else. For me it was perfect at that time. I was not ready for what I call a full time relationship. I was recently divorced and not very trusting of men, but he was a long time friend, we were physically attracted to one another, and I wasn't ready to enter anything more than a sexual relationship. We had a lot of the same boundaries you have in with your FWB. No sleeping with others. We did go out separately often, but didn't date anyone. That doesn't mean we didn't give out phone numbers and spend time with the opposite sex. Once I had spent two hours with the man I am currently with, I was pretty sure my FWB was history in the sex department. Within a week of talking to him on the phone and in person (no sex) I knew I had to end it with Mr. FWB. It sounds like you have a similar arrangement with your FWB.

 

From your OP I wasn't sure if you were taking a step back because of the calling you his girl/gf or just wondering what was up with that...wondering if he is interested in more. I can't answer that, but am wondering if YOU are open to something more. Six months is a long time, and I don't mind admitting that there were a few things about FWB that I didn't expect.

 

1) I had stronger feelings than I expected based on my heart.

2) My head kept those feelings in check, but it wasn't easy. He was not the man of my dreams and would not have made a good long term partner.

3) He also had feelings stronger than he expected, yet his head knew that he was not the right man for me long term. Confirmed Bachelor in all ways.

4) We both had enough love for one another to let it go AND still be friends . (That was a first!)

 

I wish you the best. This type of relationship is difficult at best even though it seems easy. My friend has had one relationship since me (I assume it was on the same grounds) and he has many times told me that I was "no pressure" and his other got married to another within a year. I wasn't looking for marriage, though! I am now in a 2 year relationship with no plans for marriage ever. It isn't important to either of us. If he asked me tomorrow I would decline. I agree that based on your OP it seems that HE has moved the relationship from FWB to BF/GF, but you need to talk to him to be sure.

[Guest]

Hi,

 

It's me salesgirl, it's won't let me sign in for some reason....

 

The eyes-open orgasm thing seems weird to me because that has definitely not happened for me with anyone I've ever been with, and I've even been married before. It just seems like something that I personally wouldn't want to go around doing with just anyone, but who knows- maybe this guy is different. Although, we haven't done that a TON of times before in the past, either.

 

From the beginning, I never pressured him to call me gf, HE had said from the beginning all of the things alluding that we were more than "friends." He said first that we were seeing each other, a "cute couple" "involved," called me his bf, called me his gf, just like I said. I never once labeled the relationship ANYTHING. Even my roommate, who had no idea that he and I were supposedly "bf/gf" was surprised to hear him call me his gf when he came over. He told me that he hasn't had a "gf" for four years since he got divorced. I don't know if he uses that terminology loosely and he's just talking about a serious gf, or what.

 

My roommate remarked on it later when he left our place.... "You are his GF?" I was like... Uh,, I don't know? I didn't want to scare him off by labeling it anything, but was shocked when he did. He always also said that he was never jealous, but at the same time, one night when we had a fight, he called me ten times saying that he wished I would pick up the phone because he didn't know if I went home with other guys in spite of him, and he didn't know if I was passed out or with other guys.

 

Six months is awhile, but at the same time, I know one girl who has had the FWB arrangement for 8 YEARS!!!! I don't know how one could put up with that for that long....

 

The last guy that I was with was also the type that "lied to himself," as I think this guy might do. I guess I have bad taste with these types. The last guy insisted up and down that he didn't love me.... then weeks later, said that he actually did love me, but was afraid to admit it. Told everyone that we were NOT bf/gf, but then later would say to me... "Who am I kidding? This is totally a relationship...." So, I've seen these types before, unfortunately.

 

I would like something more than FWB with this present guy, I don't really like FWB, but at the same time, he seems to have major issues, like he said. He was almost in tears when he said to me, "I've messed up things with you because I have so many issues. You are so good to me, but I've been an ass to you." And when he does distance himself, he always comes back, and says that he has misses me. And asks me several times if I have missed HIM.