what do I do?????

[annonymous]

I am a 32 year old woman, married for 9 1/2 years and we share a beautiful 8 year old daughter. My husband is a good guy, always willing to help out and very caring. In the beginning he drank a lot and partied a lot, but I chose to marry him anyway and he drank a lot for the first 3 years we were married and we fought a lot. I gave him an ultimatum to quit drinking like that or I was gone. I don't know if all of that ruined our marriage or if we just need to do something to get back together, but I can't even picture being affectionate with him or anything like that. He doesn't do it anymore. My problem is that I am in love with this guy i grew up with. We always lived close to eachother and spent all of our summer vacations hanging out. During high school I was involved in a very abusive relationship. One night I went out "cruising" with this guy and the next day at school, my ex beat him up. This guy was always very caring toward me and there was always this "spark" between us but it was like we were too afraid to try anything and I was stuck with this woman-beater. When I was 16, I was involved in a minor car accident, and this guy came to my house that evening just to see if I was doing okay. I know we were both interested in each other, but just never got it together. A few years ago, in a bar, I had a friend of mine go buy him a beer from me(I know this was wrong as a married woman, he was heartbroken over a girlfriend). After she got him the beer, he came over to where I was standing and he put his arm around me. Every time this guy touched me, I would just get a melting feeling. I don't know if the years of my husband drinking heavily and us fighting just made me lose my love for him, or if we have just drifted apart. I want no part of sex or anything else with him, but I know I still have a drive, because when I think of this other guy, I can easily picture myself being very affectionate with him. NOw, for just how stupid I am, he got married about two years ago and lives about 70 miles away from me. I haven't seen him for about 3 years. I do okay most of the time, but about two or three times a year, I will just start having dreams about him (very vivid dreams, it's like I can feel him) and that sets me into this deep depression, wanting him and wondering what it would have been like if we had hooked up. I start treating my husband really bad and don't even want him near me. I know my daughter doesn't deserve to have a split family because I am hung up on someone else. I really feel like this guy was my sole mate. My question is, How do I get myself straightened out and make myself deal with the fact that the chance has gone by and will never be? I find myself picturing this other man when i think of my life years down the road, not my husband. I really need help on this one, as I am ruining my marriage and I really don't want to ruin my daughter's life. Thank you for any advice, and please don't be afraid to be harsh, I think that's what I need.

 

My Mom says I'm ruining a good life. My husband is very helpful around the house and with our daughter. My mom also says that the fact that he quit drinking when given an ultimatum shows how much he cares about his family. I think deep down I still have feelings for my husband becuase I worry about him and stuff like that.

[Ally Boo]

You need to get some professional help. Talk to him about getting marriage counselling. For you to have married him despite the problems, you HAD to have loved him...besides, you have a child together. Don't say it's over unless you give it your best. The reason why you are thinking about someone else is because he isn't meeting your needs anymore. That's why you need professional help to show what your needs are, what his needs are, and how you can re-connect and meet those needs together.

If you can't afford it, see someone at a church....if you get a good one, they will tell you that they are not trying to keep you together, but to try to find out if you SHOULD be together....

[cat]

first i'd like to commend you for realizing you need to make a change in your life-- for your own sake and for that of your husband and daughter.

 

i was just kidding in the subject line of this post, but in a way your mother has a point. you are the only one who knows what will make you happy, but from what you are saying, it doesn't seem like you are completely ready to give up on your marriage.

 

your feelings of distance from and mistrust for your husband are not things you can solve on your own. i do not say this because i don't think you're capable, but because it's hard to be calm and objective in terms of your own life when there are so many emotions involved. you haven't mentioned counseling-- GO. if your husband won't go with you (which i hope he will...), go alone. you CAN overcome your feelings of looking outside your marriage for happiness and start to rediscover the joys of being in a fulfilling relationship and a happy family.

 

you called yourself "stupid" in your post. that, combined with the fact that you have lived in such an unhealthy situation for a long time, makes me think that your self-esteem could use some work. don't worry, it's possible to build that up, and the benefits you will reap are IMMEASURABLE. you can do it with some help.

 

i suspect it is not this man from your past that you want SPECIFICALLY but something that is lacking in your relationship that you imagine this man can give you. i suggest you give your husband a chance to give you these things. again, with some therapy, perhaps you can learn to trust/love him again.

 

on a related note, i don't believe that dreams directly reflect our deisres. they show desires in subconscious ways. the way you dream about this other man, as if you can feel him, doesn't show your desire for him, but rather your desire to be touched in a warm and loving way-- something your husband may be capable of if you let him.

 

if it's not already crystal clear from my post, FORGET THIS OTHER MAN. he's married, you're married. acting on your feelings could potentially harm two marriages. i don't believe your problems have anything to do with him-- they have to do with you and only you. especially since you haven't seen him in three years. any thoughts or fantasies about him now are merely your way of escaping from reality.

 

i wish you luck. please try to make some positive changes in your life. it sounds like you have people in your life who you love and who love you...

[annonymous]

Thank you so much for the replies! I really appreciate the insight. I actually have been considering a therapist for myself, although my husband has made it clear in the past that he wants no part of it.

[Ally Boo]

Tell him that if he cares about you or your child, he needs to come.

[cat]

...not in so many words.

 

try not to make him look/feel like a jerk, however much you might want to, because he'll be less likely to go if he's mad. remember what the ultimate goal is, and that is to get him to go with you.

 

it's just as easy to say "i'm really looking forward to getting our relationship back on track and to having a happy future with you and [insert daughter's name here]. i feel like it will happen quicker and the end result will be better if we do this together. i care about our marriage and i hope you do too. etc. etc. etc."

 

you get the point. i mean, use whatever words are natural to you. my point is, there are many ways of presenting options to resistant people and some ways will get you the results you want and some will not....

 

...of course, this is all in my very very very very humble opinion. (i am so humble because i have realized in my 23 short years on this earth i have said many things the WRONG WAY and put people off and not gotten the results i could have had i been more careful.)

 

good luck!

[annonymous]

I believe you guys are right in your advice, becuase now that I have been working through letting go of the anger and forgiving my ex, I saw him over the weekend, and when we looked at each other, since then I have felt all kinds of old feelings for him resurfacing. When it was bad, it was the worst, but when it was good, it was the best. He was my first love and we were together for six years. The sex was great and he was so affectionate (when we were happy). I'm sure I don't want this man back, (I'd be crazy), but I must be missing the closeness and affection, right? If my husband and I could find our way back to eachother, I wouldn't keep thinking of these other guys? Does anyone else every have this problem, is it just a craving for affections that were once there and not really about the person? thanks.

[annonymous]

I forgot to add in my last reply that since feeling a release of the anger and wanting to forgive my ex, I have had this strong urge to talk to him personally to tell him how he made me feel and that I forgive him. The only problem is that he travels doing construction and I can't figure out a way to get a hold of him. Maybe this is a good thing?

[quankanne]

I think it's a normal reaction to start thinking about your past relationships when you're having problems in the one you're in, and to romanticize about what you used to have. Goodness knows I tend to do it when I'm teed-off at my husband! However, it's one thing to play it out in your head and another to act on those thoughts, and believe me, nothing good could come out of trying to revive a relationship with your ex, no matter how good the good times seem. As Tony is prone to point out, your ex is an ex for a reason.

 

What it all boils down to is this: do you feel you and your husband have something worth working for? Despite the times when he acts like a bonehead or when you're about ready to kill him for breathing? Once you feel secure in his love and affection for you, these feelings you've got right now will subside.

 

Get your husband in a non-threatening environment and raise your concerns about there being an apparent lack of affection between the two of you and ask how you guys can find a solution to that problem -- when words fail me, I usually write it out, editing and revising as needed, until I can get the message across without being too emotional, then I use that as a guideline for talking to my husband. Sometimes just the act of pouring my frustrations out on paper does the trick. Where there's caring and love, healing is possible.

 

good luck!

[annonymous]

Thank you for your reply. It makes perfect sense. But that's the problem. Right now I'm so confused by all these other feelings, I just don't know if it's worth saving or not. My mom has told me that if I dump my husband right now, I will regret it later and still be alone(She doesn't know about the feelings for my ex, she would freak, they always absolutely hated the man and I don't blame them). I didn't want to talk to him to try to rekindle a relationship, but feel like I want him to know I forgive him. Do you still think that's a mistake. He is a real charmer and would probably play on that, but maybe not. Wen he looked at me this past weekend, that cold stare that once terrified me was gone and he had this look on his face that I used to see. I wonder if that's what got me all screwed up!

[BeReal]

You want your ex to know you forgive him? Did he ask for your forgiveness? He probably doesn't think he has done anything wrong. Unless he has specifically asked you for your forgiveness, then I'd just let it go. Did you speak to him when you saw him? If you were pleasant and civil to him he probably realizes you don't hate him.

[annonymous]

You make a good point. I didn't talk to him, but we just stared at each other for a minute. He used to give me this look that if he could, he'd hurt me again. This was so different. He watched where we sat at this event and he looked up there on purpose. We just looked at each other and it was a very "peaceful'(for lack of a better word) moment. His eyes almost had this, "I'm sorry" look. I guess part of my problem is because when my sister has seen him over the past couple years, he tells her he still loves me. I don't know if this was to torment me or what.