To the OW whose MM are staying for the kids

[herenow]

I'm back here after a couple of weeks and there is still talk about MM staying married because of the kids. If that's truly the case, then MM should discuss this arrangement with his wife.

 

The MM is not the only parent and it's not his choice alone to keep the marriage together for the kids. His wife may not agree that it's best. She may feel that she isn't interested in spending years with a man that doesn't love her.

 

By doing this the MM is robbing his wife of the chance to find true love for herself. She may believe as many here do, that kids do better if both parents are happy. Why is this the MM choice? Doesn't he at least owe his wife the opportunity to decide what's best for their kids?

 

If they are both agree to stay married for the kids, then it should be no surprise that either one of them is having an affair. So, there is no reason why the MM can't be honest with his wife about the OW. What does he have to lose?

 

So, next time a MM says that he loves you, but can't be with you because he has to stay married for the kids, maybe he should consider that his wife might disagree. Please let the wife in on the secret and give her the choice to do what she wants with her life.

 

Thank you for listening.

[whichwayisup]

Please let the wife in on the secret and give her the choice to do what she wants with her life.

 

I'm sorry, but it isn't up to the OW to spill the beans to MM's wife and get involved in their marriage. It's not OW's business what goes on between MM and his wife, and their children.

 

Remember MM to their wives, so if he tells his OW he's staying for the kids, it could actually be that ONE reason, or he's realized he actually DOES love his wife and wants things to workout, but it's easier on him if he tells his OW that he's staying for the kids sake.

[sadbuttrue]

you know hn there is some truth to what you say. he should give her a choice, but MM do not want to do this because this would disrupt their life at home, which they want to keep going for whatever reason. even though my MM says he is not happy at home with his W, he will not leave her because of the kids. he does not want to be a divorced dad who only sees his kids every other weekend or whatever. this is what he told me. he wants to still be able to go home every night and have his kids there. i do think when she finds out that she may then make her informed decision and leave him anyway, whether he wants a divorce or not. i just told him today that people are talking about our A and she will soon find out, he does not think that this will mean the end for us. he still thinks he can have his "happy" life at home and me too. and i admit, i am not going anywhere unless he decides that it is over.

[NearlyThere]

I'm back here after a couple of weeks and there is still talk about MM staying married because of the kids. If that's truly the case, the MM should discuss this arrangement with his wife.

 

The MM is not the only parent and it's not his choice alone to keep the marriage together for the kids. His wife may not agree that it's best. She may feel that she isn't interested in spending years with a man that doesn't love her.

 

By doing this the MM is robbing his wife of the chance to find true love for herself. She may believe as many here do, that kids do better if both parents are happy. Why is this the MM choice? Doesn't he at least owe his wife the opportunity to decide what's best for their kids?

 

If they are both agree to stay married for the kids, then it should be no surprise that either one of them is having an affair. So, there is no reason why the MM can't be honest with his wife about the OW. What does he have to lose?

 

So, next time a MM says that he loves you, but can't be with you because he has to stay married for the kids, maybe he should consider that his wife might disagree. Please let the wife in on the secret and give her the choice to do what she wants with her life.

 

Thank you for listening.

 

Well I suppose the term "staying for the kids", could be defined a couple of ways.

 

I take it the way you are talking about it is staying, so the kids still have both parents around, albeit one of them might be cheating.

 

I think when I have used this term, I mean, his W has told him in no uncertain terms that if he is ever caught cheating he will never see his children again, so leaving her for someone else would constitute the same thing. Of course I know it could be a line, although to what benefit I have yet to fathom.

[herenow]

Oh I agree with you. I think the MM should be responsible for telling the wife. I say this in the case where the MM is actually staying for the kids, but loves the OW. In that case, isn't it best to make sure the wife is on board with the arrangement?

 

I agree 100% that most of the time MM use the kids as an excuse so that they don't have to answer for their actions.

 

I'm sorry, but it isn't up to the OW to spill the beans to MM's wife and get involved in their marriage. It's not OW's business what goes on between MM and his wife, and their children.

 

Remember MM to their wives, so if he tells his OW he's staying for the kids, it could actually be that ONE reason, or he's realized he actually DOES love his wife and wants things to workout, but it's easier on him if he tells his OW that he's staying for the kids sake.

[sadbuttrue]

hn, i do not think in most cases the W would be "on board" with such an arrangement. if she knew her husband was only staying for the kids and loved someone else, dont you think her first instinct would be to get out of such a marriage? in which case, the MM would lose his kids. this is what he is avoiding by not telling W about his A.

[herenow]

I can tell you that my first instinct would be exactly what you said. But, I don't see how the MM would lose his kids. If he's a good parent, he has every right legally and morally to see his kids.

 

I have read threads on this board that say both parents and only in the marriage because of the kids. If that's true, then why not be honest about an affair?

 

I also have to say that I understand that every situation is different, I know that there are also people on this board who have come to terms with the way things are and are dealing with it the best they can.

 

hn, i do not think in most cases the W would be "on board" with such an arrangement. if she knew her husband was only staying for the kids and loved someone else, dont you think her first instinct would be to get out of such a marriage? in which case, the MM would lose his kids. this is what he is avoiding by not telling W about his A.

[movinon05]

Allow me to throw another scenario into the mix.

 

The MM is afraid of losing his children because the W uses them as pawns and involves them directly. The kids just wish they would D because its so horrible at home, and the W tells the children the reason she puts up with it is because she does not want to be alone when she is older.

 

Some Wives are given the choice. But choose to live in denial. To my dying day, I'll never understand that one! Kids get older. I'd rather be alone than know my H would rather be somewhere else.

[herenow]

Wow, that's f***** up. I don't know why a mother or father would do that to their kids. That woman needs some serious help.

 

But I agree, I'd rather be alone than know my H would rather be somewhere else. That's my point!

 

Allow me to throw another scenario into the mix.

 

The MM is afraid of losing his children because the W uses them as pawns and involves them directly. The kids just wish they would D because its so horrible at home, and the W tells the children the reason she puts up with it is because she does not want to be alone when she is older.

 

Some Wives are given the choice. But choose to live in denial. To my dying day, I'll never understand that one! Kids get older. I'd rather be alone than know my H would rather be somewhere else.

[sadbuttrue]

hn, my MM does not want to be a part time dad. he does not think that his W will totally take away the kids. and his kids are too young to know too much about how unhappy their parents are right now. if they are even unhappy, i do not know because i only know what he tells me. i do agree that if both parents are unhappy, then yes they should not stick together for the kids. but as far as i know, his wife is oblivious that anything is wrong in his M. so this will come as a shock when she finds out, and i do think she should know, i just can not tell her.

[bonehead]

Wow, that's f***** up. I don't know why a mother or father would do that to their kids. That woman needs some serious help.

 

But I agree, I'd rather be alone than know my H would rather be somewhere else. That's my point!

 

Are you kidding me?!?!?!

 

Spouses do this all the time.

 

I cant count the number of times I have seen or heard this happen.

 

In a divorce quite often children lose the look of children and take on the look of a tool.

 

It truly is sad.

[yousaveme]

My MM and the W came to this arrangment. They want what is best for the kids. She is aware that he is only there because of the kids. This isnt a secret. The marriage is there for the benefit of the kids and not to stir their ( I should the oldest ) focus on the future.

 

She said she thought he wasnt faithful to her within the 17 years of marriage. He admitted that he was only faithful about 12 years of the relationship.

 

This all came out when we were caught. He was prepared to leave the home, but she asked that they stay together for the kids. She was also worried that with him leaving the oldest would be right behind him and living with him and I.

 

I dont agree with what they are doing. But these are their kids and they need to do what they feel is best. The issue with him leaving weighs on the relationship heavily but we make do until that time.

 

I dont understand the W. She knows all of this. She knows he loves me. And I love him. She admitted this. She knows that he is only there and had been for the kids. They are not intimate. He mostly sleeps on the sofa when he is home and he works nights. They do nothing as a couple. It is just things with the kids. And mostly that is them going in separate vechiles.

 

When she attacked me verbally and called me names he defended me. And told her to stop.

She has mentioned about him leaving a few times , basically admitting she knew he would be out the door soon.

 

 

Like I said this was the W choice. She knows the marriage is over. Just keeping up the act for the kids.

[herenow]

I don't think you should tell her either. I know that it's not a perfect world and things are easier said than done. I just think is so unfair for these wives to be oblivious and not have the truth to base their decisions on. As much as I think it's unfair when the OW are lied to as well.

 

I know that there is no easy answer and that no matter how much we go back and forth on what to do about affairs, there will never be a way to avoid pain. It's just the nature of affairs. They are never easy for anyone involved.

 

hn, my MM does not want to be a part time dad. he does not think that his W will totally take away the kids. and his kids are too young to know too much about how unhappy their parents are right now. if they are even unhappy, i do not know because i only know what he tells me. i do agree that if both parents are unhappy, then yes they should not stick together for the kids. but as far as i know, his wife is oblivious that anything is wrong in his M. so this will come as a shock when she finds out, and i do think she should know, i just can not tell her.

[bonehead]

And you never hear " He left his wife ", you hear, " He left his family "

 

A man is SO looked down on if he leaves a marriage where there are children involved. never mind he can still spend time with the children, or in my case have full custody. Some people that I havent seen in years ask me how I could have left my wife and kids.

 

F you, I didnt leave my kids.

 

Sorry, VERY sore point with me.

[yousaveme]

Are you kidding me?!?!?!

 

Spouses do this all the time.

 

I cant count the number of times I have seen or heard this happen.

 

In a divorce quite often children lose the look of children and take on the look of a tool.

 

It truly is sad.

 

 

It is sad... ( another voice of reason)

[herenow]

You are one who is dealing with it the best you can.

 

My MM and the W came to this arrangment. They want what is best for the kids. She is aware that he is only there because of the kids. This isnt a secret. The marriage is there for the benefit of the kids and not to stir their ( I should the oldest ) focus on the future.

 

She said she thought he wasnt faithful to her within the 17 years of marriage. He admitted that he was only faithful about 12 years of the relationship.

 

This all came out when we were caught. He was prepared to leave the home, but she asked that they stay together for the kids. She was also worried that with him leaving the oldest would be right behind him and living with him and I.

 

I dont agree with what they are doing. But these are their kids and they need to do what they feel is best. The issue with him leaving weighs on the relationship heavily but we make do until that time.

 

I dont understand the W. She knows all of this. She knows he loves me. And I love him. She admitted this. She knows that he is only there and had been for the kids. They are not intimate. He mostly sleeps on the sofa when he is home and he works nights. They do nothing as a couple. It is just things with the kids. And mostly that is them going in separate vechiles.

 

When she attacked me verbally and called me names he defended me. And told her to stop.

She has mentioned about him leaving a few times , basically admitting she knew he would be out the door soon.

 

 

Like I said this was the W choice. She knows the marriage is over. Just keeping up the act for the kids.

[yousaveme]

Sore point here also. He will never hear he left her , he will always hear he left the family. He is trying to do the best he can. So when this happens he knows he did the best for his kids.

 

So many issues. Why do people have to get involved when they arent in this situtation. Its hard it isnt easy loving someone and all these other factors involved.

 

In our case we will never be able to move we will have to stay here in the same town.

 

And you never hear " He left his wife ", you hear, " He left his family "

 

A man is SO looked down on if he leaves a marriage where there are children involved. never mind he can still spend time with the children, or in my case have full custody. Some people that I havent seen in years ask me how I could have left my wife and kids.

 

F you, I didnt leave my kids.

 

Sorry, VERY sore point with me.

[movinon05]

And you never hear " He left his wife ", you hear, " He left his family "

 

A man is SO looked down on if he leaves a marriage where there are children involved. never mind he can still spend time with the children, or in my case have full custody. Some people that I havent seen in years ask me how I could have left my wife and kids.

 

F you, I didnt leave my kids.

 

Sorry, VERY sore point with me.

 

Oh BH, I sooooo hear you!

 

His W said to me "You left your kids." My exH said to me "You left your kids." Word around town was I left my kids.

 

I said to each and every one of them, I didn't leave my kids. I left my H. My kids are with me because they chose to be back then and to this day. Never did I leave my kids.

[herenow]

Seriously, parents tell their kids that they don't leave the marriage because they don't want to be alone when they get older? That's just plain stupid. What will happen when the kids get older? Will she not allow them to leave and have their own lives?

 

Are you kidding me?!?!?!

 

Spouses do this all the time.

 

I cant count the number of times I have seen or heard this happen.

 

In a divorce quite often children lose the look of children and take on the look of a tool.

 

It truly is sad.

[yousaveme]

You are one who is dealing with it the best you can.

 

I deal with it because I truly do love him and he loves me. We will have our time.

[sadbuttrue]

hn i am afraid that when she does find out, and like i said, i also think she has the right to make an informed decision, that he will see me as the cause of his losing the life with his children that he wanted. now he knows this A is just as much his doing as it is mine, and i am not married so i dont feel like i have as much to lose. i just worry that when he does get caught there wont be a happy ending for us either

[movinon05]

Sore point here also. He will never hear he left her , he will always hear he left the family. He is trying to do the best he can. So when this happens he knows he did the best for his kids.

 

So many issues. Why do people have to get involved when they arent in this situtation. Its hard it isnt easy loving someone and all these other factors involved.

 

In our case we will never be able to move we will have to stay here in the same town.

 

While that might be the general reaction of people in the beginning who know not of what they speak, it speaks volumes when the offending spouse is seen with their kids often. Sometimes you have to ignore everyone else and do what you know is for real.

[herenow]

Like I said, every situation is different. Your affair is already out in the open and they have both made the choice to stay for the kids. Their choice together. All I'm saying is that it's not only the MM choice to decide what's best for the kids.

 

Sore point here also. He will never hear he left her , he will always hear he left the family. He is trying to do the best he can. So when this happens he knows he did the best for his kids.

 

So many issues. Why do people have to get involved when they arent in this situtation. Its hard it isnt easy loving someone and all these other factors involved.

 

In our case we will never be able to move we will have to stay here in the same town.

[yousaveme]

Thats a question I would love to ask the W. I dont know. I do think its a control issue with the W in this type of situtation. Kids are used as pawns. Its sad. At least this seems to be the case with my MM and his W. Not speaking for everyone else

 

 

Seriously, parents tell their kids that they don't leave the marriage because they don't want to be alone when they get older? That's just plain stupid. What will happen when the kids get older? Will she not allow them to leave and have their own lives?

[kymberann]

I don't know why people do not get this but being married and raising children are two different situations.

I know I know, it can argueably be said "No way, it takes a couple, a husband and a wife". Just because this is the "stereotype" does not make their parenting skills any better or any less than a single parent or divorced home.

And it does not mean that children from two parent homes are healthier, less dysfunctional than children from divorced homes.

 

I know it is the ideal situation, however life does not give us an ideal situation right off the bat.

 

My point being, don't stay just to make it better for kids, they know.

And don't use it as an excuse to OW, that's jus a coward's way out!

Best