To the OW whose MM are staying for the kids

[yousaveme]

Your right it isnt just one persons choice. They are the parents they know what is best for their kids and that is who the kids are going to turn to and ask questions.

 

 

 

Like I said, every situation is different. Your affair is already out in the open and they have both made the choice to stay for the kids. Their choice together. All I'm saying is that it's not only the MM choice to decide what's best for the kids.

[herenow]

This is not my situation, but I do have a close friend who is struggling with this very issue and it's not pretty. Her husband refuses to move out because of the kids, but he continues the affair. The kids are miserable and my friend wants to move on with her life. She has no desire to "take" the kids away from their father. She does her best to include him in everything and sees the value in her kids having two loving and happy parents. She is so unhappy, so, I guess I'm hurting for her.

 

 

Sore point here also. He will never hear he left her , he will always hear he left the family. He is trying to do the best he can. So when this happens he knows he did the best for his kids.

 

So many issues. Why do people have to get involved when they arent in this situtation. Its hard it isnt easy loving someone and all these other factors involved.

 

In our case we will never be able to move we will have to stay here in the same town.

[sadbuttrue]

Your right it isnt just one persons choice. They are the parents they know what is best for their kids and that is who the kids are going to turn to and ask questions.

 

ysm you are right, it isnt just one person's choice, but when the W does not know that is what is going on, then how can she make the right choice for her? i think my MM thinks he is doing right by his kids right now, but he is not doing right by her.

[yousaveme]

Thats crazy. Everyone is miserable and he refuses to leave and she doesnt make a move either. What are they doing? What is this more a war of who is going to make the move and look like the bad guy? Do what is best for the kids.

 

Im sorry but that is crazy. I feel for the kids. And if the OW knows about all of this she should be telling him that also. What is he proving?

 

At least with my situtation the kids dont know. They think everything is okay because this is how it has always been. When it comes out in the open to them at least they will be some what settled and able to deal.

 

Sorry if I came off sounding mean.

 

This is not my situation, but I do have a close friend who is struggling with this very issue and it's not pretty. Her husband refuses to move out because of the kids, but he continues the affair. The kids are miserable and my friend wants to move on with her life. She has no desire to "take" the kids away from their father. She does her best to include him in everything and sees the value in her kids having two loving and happy parents. She is so unhappy, so, I guess I'm hurting for her.

[herenow]

Thank you sadbuttrue, you get the point and I appreciate it.

 

ysm you are right, it isnt just one person's choice, but when the W does not know that is what is going on, then how can she make the right choice for her? i think my MM thinks he is doing right by his kids right now, but he is not doing right by her.

[sadbuttrue]

This is not my situation, but I do have a close friend who is struggling with this very issue and it's not pretty. Her husband refuses to move out because of the kids, but he continues the affair. The kids are miserable and my friend wants to move on with her life. She has no desire to "take" the kids away from their father. She does her best to include him in everything and sees the value in her kids having two loving and happy parents. She is so unhappy, so, I guess I'm hurting for her.

 

hn, sounds like your friend really needs to get out of that situation. the kids can still see their dad, and maybe both parents will be much happier and better parents for it

[yousaveme]

I cant answer that question. For me right now she found out about us. She made the choice to keep up the marriage for the kids. I think if anything her finding out. Made them both talk about the fact its over and they are both on the same page in the marriage.

 

ysm you are right, it isnt just one person's choice, but when the W does not know that is what is going on, then how can she make the right choice for her? i think my MM thinks he is doing right by his kids right now, but he is not doing right by her.

[herenow]

I think she will probably make a move after the new year. I know that she would rather have a mutual understanding so that he can be with the OW and she can be free to move on, but he won't let that happen. He said he's staying for the kids, but he is really hurting everyone involved.

 

I starting to think that there is infidelity in every marriage. I'm not sure I know anyone that hasn't been affected in one way or another. Sad isn't it?

 

Thats crazy. Everyone is miserable and he refuses to leave and she doesnt make a move either. What are they doing? What is this more a war of who is going to make the move and look like the bad guy? Do what is best for the kids.

 

Im sorry but that is crazy. I feel for the kids. And if the OW knows about all of this she should be telling him that also. What is he proving?

 

At least with my situtation the kids dont know. They think everything is okay because this is how it has always been. When it comes out in the open to them at least they will be some what settled and able to deal.

 

Sorry if I came off sounding mean.

[yousaveme]

I get the point of the OP. I was just stating that their are those that stay for the kids.

[herenow]

I'm sure there are those that do.

 

I get the point of the OP. I was just stating that their are those that stay for the kids.

[yousaveme]

The whole situtation is sad. You have two people unhappy. Another person sad and hurt. And kids. Whether they know or not at some point they are going to hurt.

 

I think about this all the time.

 

I wish your friend the best

 

 

I think she will probably make a move after the new year. I know that she would rather have a mutual understanding so that he can be with the OW and she can be free to move on, but he won't let that happen. He said he's staying for the kids, but he is really hurting everyone involved.

 

I starting to think that there is infidelity in every marriage. I'm not sure I know anyone that hasn't been affected in one way or another. Sad isn't it?

[sadbuttrue]

i think about his kids a lot and how they will be hurt when their dad doesnt come home from work everyday and see them. i think about this and that i played a big role in that happening. this really upsets me. but i also know he would not be with me if he truly loved his wife, so there must be problems there to begin with.

[Freedom Now]

When my father left my mother after 26 years of marriage, I was present when he physically packed his bags and walked out the door.

 

I started crying and I was 19 years old, home from college. My mother looked at me straight in the eye and told me, "You know, he didn't just leave me, he left ALL of us."

 

And with that one statement, all of my brothers and sisters, except for me, hated him. He was not invited to three of their weddings. He was excluded. And this was one of the kindest, gentlest men you would ever meet. Salt of the earth kinda guy.

 

Oh yes, the scorned wife WILL tell the kids that he left the entire family and if those kids are young or impressionable, they will believe it.

 

Fortunately, my siblings have been able to forgive him for leaving "them," but it took years.

 

And, being a child of divorce, I will say the the deepest scar came not from my parents splitting up, but the manner in which it was handled.

 

 

Sore subject for me, too.

[herenow]

In my opinion, a parent that does this sort of thing is not thinking about the kids, but thinking about themselves. I'm sorry FN that you were put through such an ordeal.

 

Is it not possible for two adults to have a conversation about the fact that there is no love left in their marriage? Is it not possible for them to really do what's best for the kids? From what I'm reading here, I guess it doesn't happen to often. All I'm saying, once again, is that it's not just the MM place to decide to stay for the kids, the wife should have a say as well. I'm reacting to all the threads that say the MM stays, not for the wife, but for the kids. Maybe I opened up a can that should have remained shut.

 

Sorry

 

 

When my father left my mother after 26 years of marriage, I was present when he physically packed his bags and walked out the door.

 

I started crying and I was 19 years old, home from college. My mother looked at me straight in the eye and told me, "You know, he didn't just leave me, he left ALL of us."

 

And with that one statement, all of my brothers and sisters, except for me, hated him. He was not invited to three of their weddings. He was excluded. And this was one of the kindest, gentlest men you would ever meet. Salt of the earth kinda guy.

 

Oh yes, the scorned wife WILL tell the kids that he left the entire family.

 

Fortunately, my siblings have been able to forgive him for leaving "them," but it took years.

 

Sore subject for me, too.

[Freedom Now]

No apology necessary. I was incredibly resilient in the divorce.

 

I tend to believe that what happened in my family was not rare, unfortunately.

 

Emotions run high and the children are placed in the middle often times. Add another person (the affair partner) into the mix, and it is a recipe for disaster.

 

When I hear that a MM is staying for the kids....I tend to believe it for the most part. They know how their wives would react far more than I would.

 

I saw it with my own 19 year old eyes. And I believe it.

[herenow]

I would like to point out that this has been a very civil conversation. See, we are capable of being civil to each other while discussing something that is a sore subject for some people.

[Freedom Now]

I agree with you. The wife SHOULD have a say in whether she wants to stay just for the kids, too.

 

But for a man who truly loves his kids, the thought of the possibility of what happened to my father enters his mind, he thinks twice about leaving. Some men, probably most all men, couldn't bear to have their children hate them.

 

So for some of them, they stay.

 

Better to stay with the devil you know than the devil you don't know.

[herenow]

I can see your point, but if they are really staying so that their children won't hate them, how is that staying for the kids? Do they stay so that they (the MM) won't have deal with reality? Isn't it better to be honest about your feelings?

 

I agree with you. The wife SHOULD have a say in whether she wants to stay just for the kids, too.

 

But for a man who truly loves his kids, the thought of the possibility of what happened to my father enters his mind, he thinks twice about leaving. Some men, probably most all men, couldn't bear to have their children hate them.

 

So for some of them, they stay.

 

Better to stay with the devil you know than the devil you don't know.

[Freedom Now]

They are staying to keep the peace. If they leave, their wives may react as my mother did. It isn't so rare, you know.

 

And if they really love their kids, they will sacrifice so the kids have a stable home with no sides taken, no hatred, no conflict.

 

It may not be an ideal situation, but in their eyes, I would imagine, it is better than the alternative.

 

Because let's face it: divorces are messy. And in these situations, usually one partner wants out and the other wants him/her desperately to stay. So feelings get hurt, anger gives way to rage and some of that spills into the kids' lives. For in these highly charged situations, ESPECIALLY if their is a third party, it is virtually impossible to think rationally about what is good for the kids. The betrayed partner is hurting and wounded. So, sometimes, the kids are used as bargaining chips or pawns.

 

We have all seen it in our lives. The MM has too.

 

I would imagine it would scare him to death.

[pureinheart]

Allow me to throw another scenario into the mix.

 

The MM is afraid of losing his children because the W uses them as pawns and involves them directly. The kids just wish they would D because its so horrible at home, and the W tells the children the reason she puts up with it is because she does not want to be alone when she is older.

 

Some Wives are given the choice. But choose to live in denial. To my dying day, I'll never understand that one! Kids get older. I'd rather be alone than know my H would rather be somewhere else.

 

Sadly, I've seen this senerio many times...

 

Have also seen W's manipulate to keep the M going, no matter what condition it's in, mostlikely out of fear of being alone. What they don't realize is that by staying they are waisting precious time.

 

We can't make anyone "love" us...some people would rather have a controling, loveless M.

[sadbuttrue]

I can see your point, but if they are really staying so that their children won't hate them, how is that staying for the kids? Do they stay so that they (the MM) won't have deal with reality? Isn't it better to be honest about your feelings?

 

hn,i think MM is staying for the kids because he doesnt want to be the reason they grow up without him. he does not want to be the one to blame, another reason not to tell the W that he is unhappy and is only there for the kids. i think MM are really not concerned with true reality, but the 2 little worlds they have made up in their heads, one with W and kids and the other with OW. they do not always see a way to end either of these little worlds they live in and choose instead to keep them both. there arent many MM that will be totally honest with their feelings either i would bet. not when they have two women to go between.

[yousaveme]

I wonder sometimes If the parents really have the answer here. I guess the best people to ask would be the kids. I dont know what my MM's kids think about the marriage and really can he know. If the kids arent saying anything and it seems normal.

 

I dont know. All the know is I think about this often. Because at no matter what age I think this is really going to rock their world. I guess the thing is at what point do you do this.

 

I hope I made some sense. I'm rambling and getting somewhat emotional.

[sadbuttrue]

ysm, you make perfect sense

[herenow]

Like I said before, it seems like everyone at one point or another is touched by infidelity. I find that the more honest I'm willing to be, the more I find that it may just be part of life. I'm amazed at how many marriages actually survive. I'd like to believe that the love is rekindled and the kids are the beneficiary of the new relationship.

 

It saddens me that the most innocent of us (the kids) are used to help adults avoid dealing with their issues in an honest manner.

[bonehead]

No apology necessary. I was incredibly resilient in the divorce.

 

I tend to believe that what happened in my family was not rare, unfortunately.

 

Emotions run high and the children are placed in the middle often times. Add another person (the affair partner) into the mix, and it is a recipe for disaster.

 

When I hear that a MM is staying for the kids....I tend to believe it for the most part. They know how their wives would react far more than I would.

 

I saw it with my own 19 year old eyes. And I believe it.

 

 

I also believe that they are staying for the kids, but not for the reasons most think.

 

If society didnt look at a man leaving his wife as also leaving his kids I think it would change a bit.