want to get back together, but...

[ninga317]

my boyfriend and i are slowly getting back together over the phone after a month long break. he broke up with me because he said that he felt like he was losing his identity. (i think that he's a cp, because this isn't the first time that he's done this.

 

anyway the first two weeks i did total nc (thanks to reading other posts on the site). Then two days before he left to go out of state, we started talking on the phone a little and he came over to get some of his stuff that he wanted to take with him. we had a short talk about the r but didn't get too deep into it. basically he just repeated the lost identity thing.

 

the problem is, when he broke up with me, it just seemed to come out of the blue. a total surprise to me. it crushed me and i was mad because i feel that if one of us is unhappy about something, then we should talk about it. not run for the hills like a coward. he's not that comfortable talking about relationship things but we all have to do things that we're not comfortable with.

 

i guess my question is, when should i bring up the subject about problems that were in the relationship. i've tried to be light and airy, upbeat, and nonconfrontational, but sooner or later things are going to have to be talked about or it will be just like jumping right back into the fire. the relationship won't work if the same problems are still there and not addressed. he's been telling me that he loves me and when we talk about other things he always uses "we and us" in the conversation. so i know that he wants to be with me but i won't be able to put 100% into it if we don't get some things straight. i will always have my guard up, thinking that he will just break up with me out of the blue again.

 

i start classes again on the 15th and i don't want this to happen again in the middle of the semester. it's just too hard on me and i know i won't be able to concentrate.

 

how do i get him to open up, without pressuring him. he hates serious talks.

 

thank you to anyone that responds!

[Guest]

If he cant handle having serious talks, then you need to walk away and let him go. Maybe once he grows up enough to deal with life and serious situations, tell him to give you a call. It will be more of a headache than anything if you stay with him, just think long term future plans..being married,kids, house payments, etc.....you wont want to have to deal with him if he is hating talking about stuff that isn't nealy important as some of these things I have listed.

[ninga317]

ok, i went out on him tonight. i didn't have sex with this other guy, but there was alot of passionate kissing. i made him go home because i couldn't stop thinking about my ex. i didn't tell him that that was why, but he knows my situation. (my ex is out of the state right now)

 

i'm very much in love with my ex, but i'm tired of waiting. does that make me a slut, or am i just trying to get over somethng that i'm not sure with him.

 

i feel like i want it to be over with my ex, just to get rid of the uncertainty, but on the other hand , i want to make it work with him.

 

i'm goin to go out on him (full force) very quickly if i don't get a promise from him.

 

i asked for some advice from everyone today, but i'm starting to think that my situation is so predictable that no one want's to answer,

because it's so common. but beieve me, it's not to me.

 

 

i'm vey much in love with my ex, but i'm not new to this heartbreak thing. i just want to be with him.

[Guest]

i am 39 and was in love with one of my best friends for 4years, and he ended up feeling the same way. then, i broke it off because it was too wierd. i missed him as a friend not as a lover. on the side, i was making plans to hook up with someone else. who ended up telling me to end things with my bf, so he could have me. so i left him and started seeing many others. now i am with someone new, and i care about him very much, however, feelings for my "friend on the side" keep coming back, and he keeps telling me what an idiot he's been and how he wont mess up this time. half of me wants to do it, but i dont want to get hurt...but i will stay with my new man.

 

because I feel like I am not good enough for my ex bf even though i know that is not true and I care about him so much that it makes me think of things that are false, like he is more successful than me and have so much going for you in life. I have bills, I haven't finished school, I'm about to lose my job, and I am scared to lose him. I truely love him but I refuse to believe what he tells me, so i tune it out and have sex with my new man and his makes me sad and all I want to do is cry.

and my ex bf keeps fighting for me and for over a year but i will never believe in his words because i know he will hurt me - i know that is false but i don't care. i would rather live forever wondering than be with him again

[jusified]

I personally think you need to take a time out and decide who you want to be with. You have already put yourself in a situation where neither guy will truely be able to have a fullfilling relationship with you.

 

If you love your ex then you should not be seen someone else. You should be single, trying to get over the relationship and then move on with someone when there is no emotional baggage left from the previous relationship. It is extremely unfair on the new guy to have some expectation of a future with you when you still obviously love your ex.

 

Just take some time away from both guys and do your own thing, don't be a person that needs to have a boyfriend around all the time just for the sake of it. When you do become 100% over the ex then go with someone new.

 

If you want to wait for your ex then thats your initiative, I don't think you should do that. In the end he left you and did not want to be with you.

 

I'm not going to criticise you for what you did, because I know you are in an emotional stressful period and has been hurt. Whats done is done, just know you shouldn't jump into anything like a rebound because its never good.

[ninga317]

i thank you for your reply, but i'm not looking for a relationship with this other guy. we just got caught up in them moment. and it felt good. but that was short lived, because i just want to be with my ex, so it was insant and short gratificaton, (not to mention a few glasses of wine).

 

my ex and i are talking on the phone and getting along, but i need a more emotional, physical, connection. i know he has it in him, but he's been hurt too. (his wife died at a young age and so did his mom)

 

i understand his reservations, but i'm ready to have a life.

[Guest]

JUSTIFIED is correct

 

i did what J said, i told her and showed her in every way. i am single and have confessed to everything and tried contacting the only ways i can.

 

her answer has been given to me. she loves me but not enuff to do what i have done and met up with me.

 

i accept that she feels this way and respect her decision. just because i have done things differently doesn't mean she has to copy me. but i have always honoured her as a person, never expressed pleasure with anything other than her. i would never ever say that to her because it would not be possible to have her in my heart and experience that. obviously she can and good for her. we are not the same and i don't expect her to be anything other than honest.

 

if she found someone that fills her up in every way better than i ever did and feels the need to express that to me - it does not hurt, nor do i take it personally - it is just her being herself and doing and says what feels right to her. do i like it? no way. do i want her with anyone other than me? nope. does it hurt to know that another man was with her and that she prefers him over me in such a way that she stays with him? totally. that is why i understand what is happening and that she will not come back and that, her doing this, has placed us back at the beginning -

 

it is her that needs to win back my trust but that only matters if she WANTS me but i know that she does but not in the way that she must know by now she must feel for she and i know that when LOVE is true you know it and move immediately and anything else is just a confirmation of the truth and i tell her its ok.

 

i understand and still love her and wish nothing but happiness with the man that she loves. i am amazing man eh? try finding someone else that will do this - one in a million i am babe