My girlfriend says she misses her ex.

[higherground5]

So the girl I've been dating for about 5 months has just told me she wrote an email to her friend today saying that she misses her ex, but shes not sure why because there was nothing ever good that came out of it. On the flip side, she said she's in love with me, and she has long term expectations with our relationship. I was extremely frustrated with this-what should i do?

 

Forbin

[Rooster_DAR]

So the girl I've been dating for about 5 months has just told me she wrote an email to her friend today saying that she misses her ex, but shes not sure why because there was nothing ever good that came out of it. On the flip side, she said she's in love with me, and she has long term expectations with our relationship. I was extremely frustrated with this-what should i do?

 

Forbin

 

This is called SFS (screwed-up female syndrome), it's a pandemic.

 

Run forest run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[guin_girl]

So the girl I've been dating for about 5 months has just told me she wrote an email to her friend today saying that she misses her ex, but shes not sure why because there was nothing ever good that came out of it. On the flip side, she said she's in love with me, and she has long term expectations with our relationship. I was extremely frustrated with this-what should i do?

 

Forbin

 

How long was it between their break up and the start of your relationship? Maybe it was too soon?

[orangehose]

This is called SFS (screwed-up female syndrome), it's a pandemic.

 

Run forest run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Not just screwed-up female syndrome; males do it too. My ex-boyfriend did it to me a couple months into the relationship - said he still loved his ex, would go back to her in a year if she showed up, etc. I tried to head for the hills, but he convinced me to stay, and thought I should give it a chance.

 

And like Rooster is saying, I'd advise caution. I stayed in the relationship an additional 9 months, and it wasn't so great, for a slew of reasons. When I finally broke up with him, although we hadn't talked about the "ex" issue for a while, I asked him to describe more about what she was like. Lo and behold, she had many of the traits he had periodically hinted that I lacked. No wonder he didn't seem to value me that much...

 

I told him he should find someone more like her. But I should have cut my losses 3 months into the relationship.

 

Anyway, you have a right to be frustrated - her response indicates ambivalence about the relationship, and is REALLY not fair to you! And speaking from experience, it's HARD to be in a relationsihp when you're haunted by the idea that your S.O. actually prefers someone else on whatever level. On the other hand, I think her truthfulness is a good thing. Better to know up front what you're dealing with.

[CaliGuy]

OP, if I were you I would distance myself from her for a while. Give her some space to sort out her feelings. If you do this, there's a chance she'll expunge those feelings for her ex. If you don't and become clingy/needy with her, you could push her away.

 

Give her some time to sort through things.

[Green]

cali guy has some good points, u have to distance yourself this whole I miss my Ex thing could just get worse tell her to call you when she doesnt miss her ex any more

[higherground5]

How long was it between their break up and the start of your relationship? Maybe it was too soon?

 

Too soon apparently. She broke up with him and said she fell out of love with him way before she closed the door. It was this reason why I took things extremely slow the first two months we dated...we probably went out like 1-2 a week if that. I mean she said she was in an abusive relationship; he treated her like ****, cheated on her etc, but, he was in a band and she had more of a social life with him around then me, so she said this could be a possibility. I mean she claims that she loves me and all of this non-sense, but how can she say that when she misses someone or something about a previous relationship?

 

Forbin

[higherground5]

Not just screwed-up female syndrome; males do it too. My ex-boyfriend did it to me a couple months into the relationship - said he still loved his ex, would go back to her in a year if she showed up, etc. I tried to head for the hills, but he convinced me to stay, and thought I should give it a chance.

 

And like Rooster is saying, I'd advise caution. I stayed in the relationship an additional 9 months, and it wasn't so great, for a slew of reasons. When I finally broke up with him, although we hadn't talked about the "ex" issue for a while, I asked him to describe more about what she was like. Lo and behold, she had many of the traits he had periodically hinted that I lacked. No wonder he didn't seem to value me that much...

 

I told him he should find someone more like her. But I should have cut my losses 3 months into the relationship.

 

Anyway, you have a right to be frustrated - her response indicates ambivalence about the relationship, and is REALLY not fair to you! And speaking from experience, it's HARD to be in a relationsihp when you're haunted by the idea that your S.O. actually prefers someone else on whatever level. On the other hand, I think her truthfulness is a good thing. Better to know up front what you're dealing with.

 

So this is interesting...you were kind of in the same situation that I am in now. I tried breaking up with her this past weekend, but she did a good job convincing me otherwise. Needless to say, I said I would give her a chance and take a risk, and she ensured me she wouldn't break my heart because apparently the "love she has for me grows by the day". Say what? But you miss your ex? As I mentioned above, she was dating a guy who was in a band, and she had much more of a social life because of it. In contrast, I'm not in a band anymore..I have a full time job, and there are only a handful of my friends around here. I mean if she misses him, and if the relationship was ****ty, I'm sure these missing feelings could be because of the lifestyle she was in, but regardless, I can not offer her that, and if that's what she needs, then don't keep me around for selfish reasons. I mean my analysis could be off, but I have to back off major league from this girl until she stops missing him or whatever it is. I just don't know how to approach it without her getting pissed off.

[higherground5]

OP, if I were you I would distance myself from her for a while. Give her some space to sort out her feelings. If you do this, there's a chance she'll expunge those feelings for her ex. If you don't and become clingy/needy with her, you could push her away.

 

Give her some time to sort through things.

 

This is where she contradicted herself. She told me she misses him, but she doesn't know what it is, but on the other hand, she says she has no connection to him, no feelings, nothing. This of course, I took as a crock of **** because if someone misses someone else, isn't that a connection and a feeling?

 

I agree I should distance myself from her, but I already do a good deal of that just because I didn't want to crowd her. Maybe we do hang out more than I think. How should I go about giving her more space without disrespecting the relationship? Just make myself more unavailable?

[higherground5]

cali guy has some good points, u have to distance yourself this whole I miss my Ex thing could just get worse tell her to call you when she doesnt miss her ex any more

 

Is that a wise thing to do to just say that to her? I mean this might get a very negative reaction out of her. Perhaps I can word it differently. Thoughts? Tonight is new years and we are hanging out, but starting tomorrow I'm backing off completely. Or should it not be completely?

[CaliGuy]

Is that a wise thing to do to just say that to her? I mean this might get a very negative reaction out of her. Perhaps I can word it differently. Thoughts? Tonight is new years and we are hanging out, but starting tomorrow I'm backing off completely. Or should it not be completely?

 

Negative reaction from her? What did she expect from you when she told you about this? Did she expect you to be happy? The best thing you can do when someone starts to pull away (and that may not be the case here) is to pull back yourself.

 

Let her know by your actions that she is free to choose who is best for her. I mean the ultimate display of love is to want someone to be happy even if it's not with you.

 

So tell her "Hey, you need to do what is best for you. If you still have feelings for your ex maybe it would be good for you to go seek him about and see how it goes."

 

I'm not saying to tell her to go boink the guy but just let her know you're not going to cage her into a relationship with you. This IMHO is the ultimate expression of confidence. That you will be fine no matter what her decision is. If she ends up going back to him and staying then that is what was meant to be.

 

I'm just guessing here but I am willing to bet the odds will be in your favor if you let her decide what is best for her and not cage her in any way. Clinging to her will force her away but letting her be free to decide takes her out of the cage and lets her be free to love you.

 

Whatever you do, don't come off bitter or angry. Just say "Hey, it's not a good idea for us to continue seeing each other while you have mixed feelings."

 

That is what I would do. Not sure what anyone else would do in this situation but something I have learned is to let them go if they want to go. You can't really control someone else but you can make it known that you are confident enough in yourself to let them decide on their own.

 

I made the mistake of doing the opposite in a situation many years ago and I ended up pushing her away. I'd rather the love of my life come to me on their own than try and force them to come back.

[higherground5]

Negative reaction from her? What did she expect from you when she told you about this? Did she expect you to be happy? The best thing you can do when someone starts to pull away (and that may not be the case here) is to pull back yourself.

 

Let her know by your actions that she is free to choose who is best for her. I mean the ultimate display of love is to want someone to be happy even if it's not with you.

 

So tell her "Hey, you need to do what is best for you. If you still have feelings for your ex maybe it would be good for you to go seek him about and see how it goes."

 

I'm not saying to tell her to go boink the guy but just let her know you're not going to cage her into a relationship with you. This IMHO is the ultimate expression of confidence. That you will be fine no matter what her decision is. If she ends up going back to him and staying then that is what was meant to be.

 

I'm just guessing here but I am willing to bet the odds will be in your favor if you let her decide what is best for her and not cage her in any way. Clinging to her will force her away but letting her be free to decide takes her out of the cage and lets her be free to love you.

 

Whatever you do, don't come off bitter or angry. Just say "Hey, it's not a good idea for us to continue seeing each other while you have mixed feelings."

 

That is what I would do. Not sure what anyone else would do in this situation but something I have learned is to let them go if they want to go. You can't really control someone else but you can make it known that you are confident enough in yourself to let them decide on their own.

 

I made the mistake of doing the opposite in a situation many years ago and I ended up pushing her away. I'd rather the love of my life come to me on their own than try and force them to come back.

 

The thing is that she didn't say the reason why she misses her ex, and she says she doesn't have love feelings for him. I mean maybe she doesn't love him, but there is obviously a connection that she has to him if she misses or yearns him.

 

I asked her if she wanted to get out of the relationship...and she said no, and that her love for me increases by the day. Also, she said she wasn't going to hurt me by breaking up with me. She just thought this wasn't going to be that big of a deal, which to me it is very bad. To her, it is "human nature" to be with a guy for a long time and not miss him, not matter the situation. Is this possible? I mean if she loved me so much, I would assume she wouldn't miss him at all. Thoughts?

 

I mean I believe a great deal that I should back off, however, I'm not that clingy or needy; I do keep my distance during the week--and she contacts me, rather than me contacting her. So it seems like I'm already following the right methodology.

 

I'm starting to think of a plan: tell her that I don't think it's a good idea for us to see eachother if she has these "missing" feelings for her ex. She needs to figure out why she misses him, and get some closure to it and her previous relationship. Thoughts?

 

 

I can't give someone all my love if they miss someone else w/ or w/o a reason to miss them. The thing is that i love her so much, and we both envision a future together...but I can't take her seriously if she misses her ex.

 

Forbin

[CaliGuy]

I'm starting to think of a plan: tell her that I don't think it's a good idea for us to see eachother if she has these "missing" feelings for her ex. She needs to figure out why she misses him, and get some closure to it and her previous relationship. Thoughts?

 

Heh, isn't that what I suggested already?

 

Understand that she may end up going back to her ex. That is the worst case scenario but I agree, you should not be in a relationship while she has unresolved feelings for someone else, regardless of what they are.

 

I can't give someone all my love if they miss someone else w/ or w/o a reason to miss them. The thing is that i love her so much, and we both envision a future together...but I can't take her seriously if she misses her ex.

 

You should tell her that she needs to resolve whatever feelings she has for her ex. Tell her to figure it out and contact you when it's resolved with the understanding that you aren't going to wait forever for her. Some how in a tactful way she needs to understand she risks losing you during this process.

 

It's up to her to decide what she is going to do. You already know what you need to do and that is ultimately, at least in your eyes, what you need to be doing.

 

Like I said, you can't control her but you can control what is within your boundaries.

[higherground5]

 

Heh, isn't that what I suggested already?

 

Understand that she may end up going back to her ex. That is the worst case scenario but I agree, you should not be in a relationship while she has unresolved feelings for someone else, regardless of what they are.

 

 

 

You should tell her that she needs to resolve whatever feelings she has for her ex. Tell her to figure it out and contact you when it's resolved with the understanding that you aren't going to wait forever for her. Some how in a tactful way she needs to understand she risks losing you during this process.

 

It's up to her to decide what she is going to do. You already know what you need to do and that is ultimately, at least in your eyes, what you need to be doing.

 

Like I said, you can't control her but you can control what is within your boundaries.

 

But should I do this even with the understanding that she says she loves me and not him, and that she wants a future with me? I mean I tried breaking up with her and she said that her missing whatever it is of him is "nothing". She said she wants to be with me, and that if I believe she loves me, I would go with it. Shes never mentioned she wanted to get back with him at all, and she said that could and would never happen again. I should still move forward?

[CaliGuy]

But should I do this even with the understanding that she says she loves me and not him, and that she wants a future with me? I mean I tried breaking up with her and she said that her missing whatever it is of him is "nothing". She said she wants to be with me, and that if I believe she loves me, I would go with it. Shes never mentioned she wanted to get back with him at all, and she said that could and would never happen again. I should still move forward?

 

Then why did she tell you this? Ask her to explain what the reason was for telling you this and then decide what you must do. Maybe there is some kind of communication breakdown here.

 

If she told you to get it off her chest and she says she has no interest in being with him them let it go.

 

If she told you because she is not sure about you then you need to let her go and figure herself out.

 

You need to understand the reason behind telling you all this so you can decide what is best for you.

[higherground5]

Then why did she tell you this? Ask her to explain what the reason was for telling you this and then decide what you must do. Maybe there is some kind of communication breakdown here.

 

If she told you to get it off her chest and she says she has no interest in being with him them let it go.

 

If she told you because she is not sure about you then you need to let her go and figure herself out.

 

You need to understand the reason behind telling you all this so you can decide what is best for you.

 

Well, she told me this because I just got a vibe she missed her ex so I asked her about it. He doesn't live too far from my place so sometimes we pass his apartment and I just hear her make comments like "looks like a party is going on here" etc. So I just called her out on it and thats when she told me about it.

 

I value her for telling me, and I find that it could be a possibility that she misses him without any love feelings because she did stay with him for a long time. Today before she left my place I told her if she needed some time away to figure out what she wants then I think she should take it. She proceeded to tell me she doesn't need any time away and then she gave me a kiss. So should I take this at face value or give her that space regardless? She told me a couple of days ago that she loves me and knows she wouldn't get back with him. Is it possible to miss an ex if we spent a good amount of time with your life with that person even knowing it was a bad relationship?

 

Forbin

[jusified]

Girls aye..

 

how old is she and how long was she with the ex for?? How quickly did she get with you after she broke up with him.

 

Look, girls are like that and sometimes there is nothing you can do. You have to figure out what is best for you, I personally think that you need to give her space, go and do your own thing. Tell her you feel she's got emotional link with the past relationship and you understand but you would like a relationship that is 100% committed to you. Until she realise that or figures it out your relationship is a rebound or a stand in. In the long term I do believe its better. Wouldn't you rather be with someone (potentially forever) that is 100% in love and committed to you??

[LiveStrong Fan]

Forbin, It sounds to me like you have a good thing there with this girl. I think it will work out for you since you are honest with one another. CaliGuy, your advice really helped me out as I just had a situation with a girl that your advice could apply in regards to just letting her go. All I was able to tell her at the time due to my shock and disappointment was that's your choice and good luck. I didn't even see it coming at all since she assured me a few weeks ago that I didn't need to worry about him and she wanted to be with me. I am sure the guy caught wind and felt threatened, so he did what ever he could to get her back. Pretty selfish, I think. Although he lives 6 hours away, after the real breakup 6 months ago, I think he has done everything to keep him apart of her life and since she still talks to him, she obviously hasn't pitched him completely.

 

After having thought about it some, sometimes I wish I could have added I really want the best for you but I think you are making a mistake. I think letting her do what she wants sends that message in a non verbal way. I really feel she made a mistake in her choice because of what this guy was like to her in the past, and I don't see that changing. So, that makes it hard sometimes as I think she is not getting the best, as I believe she deserves.

[higherground5]

Girls aye..

 

how old is she and how long was she with the ex for?? How quickly did she get with you after she broke up with him.

 

Look, girls are like that and sometimes there is nothing you can do. You have to figure out what is best for you, I personally think that you need to give her space, go and do your own thing. Tell her you feel she's got emotional link with the past relationship and you understand but you would like a relationship that is 100% committed to you. Until she realise that or figures it out your relationship is a rebound or a stand in. In the long term I do believe its better. Wouldn't you rather be with someone (potentially forever) that is 100% in love and committed to you??

 

She is in her mid 20's. She was with her ex for about 5 years, but she said it was a terrible relationship and that she fell out of love with him before she ended it. That is the thing--she started dating me about one month after she ended it with him, and we stayed casual for about 2 months after that. Then she came out and told me that she wanted to be exclusive. So here I am, 3 months later.

 

She told me that I am not a rebound when we started to become committed. And recently she told me that she loves me for me. However, this is hard to digest when she says she misses him (yet she says she doesn't know what she misses because it was a terrible relationship). This brings me to your observation that it is quite obvious she is not 100% committed and in love if she still misses him...or is it possible? thoughts?

[higherground5]

Caliguy where are you man?

[crazy_grl]

All too often I've seen people claim not to have feelings for someone ("She's just a friend. I'm not into her." "I just miss him. I don't have any feelings for you.") then turn around and shortly be with that person. She wouldn't be the first person who said one thing and did another.

 

I agreed with everything CaliGuy said until you said you'd already tried to break up with her.

 

Maybe she doesn't have any feelings for him. You seem to have already "let her go" and she came back to you. For now, I think you should drop the matter. If you bring it up again, you may make it a bigger issue than it has to be and push her away.

 

Pay attention to whether she's still acting like she misses him though. If it seems like she does, then it's time to do what CaliGuy suggested.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy where are you man?

 

I'm here, not much to add. She said she wants to be with you.

 

LET IT GO.

 

Pay attention to what she does not what she says. What she does reflects what is in her heart. If she's with you, if she is loving you and treating you like a rockstar then let it go.

 

If she distances herself from you emotionally and she stays in contact with her ex then you may need to break things off to give her a chance to wake up and smell the coffee so to speak.

 

I can't tell you what to do my friend. All I can say is that you need to respect yourself, have healthy boundaries and pay attention to red flags. If this is really bothering you that bad then you need to address it with her or pipe down and not mention it again.

 

Nobody but nobody knows what's going on in her mind but her. That's why I said pay attention to how she acts because that will tell you.

 

For now she is with you. What more could you ask for?

[CaliGuy]

Forbin, It sounds to me like you have a good thing there with this girl. I think it will work out for you since you are honest with one another. CaliGuy, your advice really helped me out as I just had a situation with a girl that your advice could apply in regards to just letting her go. All I was able to tell her at the time due to my shock and disappointment was that's your choice and good luck. I didn't even see it coming at all since she assured me a few weeks ago that I didn't need to worry about him and she wanted to be with me. I am sure the guy caught wind and felt threatened, so he did what ever he could to get her back. Pretty selfish, I think. Although he lives 6 hours away, after the real breakup 6 months ago, I think he has done everything to keep him apart of her life and since she still talks to him, she obviously hasn't pitched him completely.

 

After having thought about it some, sometimes I wish I could have added I really want the best for you but I think you are making a mistake. I think letting her do what she wants sends that message in a non verbal way. I really feel she made a mistake in her choice because of what this guy was like to her in the past, and I don't see that changing. So, that makes it hard sometimes as I think she is not getting the best, as I believe she deserves.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your issues. What I have learned is that if someone really loves you, they won't walk away from you. And in the end, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? I can't think of a single reason.

 

I want to be with someone who is as into me as I am of them. Nothing short of that will do and if they're wishy-washy, well, I won't be. I'll continue to date and look and keep my possibilities open.

 

We all deserve someone in our lives who love us as much as we love them. You'll find it eventually as long as you learn from past relationships and not let them rule you.

 

You run your life not your past.

[higherground5]

I'm sorry to hear about your issues. What I have learned is that if someone really loves you, they won't walk away from you. And in the end, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? I can't think of a single reason.

 

I want to be with someone who is as into me as I am of them. Nothing short of that will do and if they're wishy-washy, well, I won't be. I'll continue to date and look and keep my possibilities open.

 

We all deserve someone in our lives who love us as much as we love them. You'll find it eventually as long as you learn from past relationships and not let them rule you.

 

You run your life not your past.

 

Agreed; the thing is that I find it hard to believe that she loves me as much as I love her when she "yearns for guys who treat them badly and misses her ex".

[gfto]

So the girl I've been dating for about 5 months has just told me she wrote an email to her friend today saying that she misses her ex,

If ever there was a sign that a woman is not all that interested in you, it would be that she "misses her ex." Geez.

 

On the flip side, she said she's in love with me, and she has long term expectations with our relationship.

Of course.

 

what should i do?

Tell her you miss your ex too, and disappear.