My girlfriend says she misses her ex.

[higherground5]

I said you 'almost forced' her to say it - quoted from Post 41 in which you said...

 

"She says she loves me...I almost forced her to say it..."

 

Yes, she probably isn't telling you the real reasons why she is missing her X... she knows but she's pulling the typical 'spare his feelings' crapola. That is quite common as I am sure you know.

 

Indeed, you should tell her to piss off. Why would you want to spend time with a girl who is vacillating?

 

I guess I needed to look at what I wrote better. I agree...I guess it could be...but I really don't think she would really come out and tell me she misses him if that was the case. It would have completey bypassed any type of confrontation and she would have come out and told me it's over.

[higherground5]

Geez, I think you guys are making too much of this.

 

colforbin, just go on with your relationship. Stop worrying about this unless it surfaces again. Worrying is just going to make things worse. Maybe back off a little, but don't tell her to get lost because of something you forced out of her that REALLY isn't that bad.

 

She realizes that bad boys are bad for her even though she still has a yearning for them. She's already a step ahead of a lot of other girls by realizing that weakness in herself.

 

One of the strongest appeals of "bad boys" is their (perceived) confidence. If you start getting all insecure over this little thing, you may as well stamp "p*ssy" on your forehead. Have some confidence, man. So what, she misses the other guy. You need to take on the attitude that it doesn't matter because you're such a good catch that she'll soon forget about him in no time.

 

Agreed--I mean I was quite frustrated over it. More so because I told her at the beginning of the relationship I didn't want to open up because she was in a long term relationship. After she kept on confessing her love to me, I had to open up somewhat or she would have left. So I told her I loved her.

 

So we had a few conversations about it which led to small arguments. Last time we had another conversation, and I posed the question "If her ex came back to her and said he's a better man, would she go back to him?" She said no and told me she is starting to get frustrated because I won't believe how she feels. The thing is that I do...so she kept on getting the wrong impression that I don't. I told her that I'm very confident of the relationship, and me and my abilities, and that she can go if she wants to, I'm not going to hold her down, but she said she wanted to be with me and she loves me. So I just left it at that. I told her this is her get-of-out-jail card...and that I don't want to talk about this again.

[CaliGuy]

Agreed--I mean I was quite frustrated over it. More so because I told her at the beginning of the relationship I didn't want to open up because she was in a long term relationship. After she kept on confessing her love to me, I had to open up somewhat or she would have left. So I told her I loved her.

 

So we had a few conversations about it which led to small arguments. Last time we had another conversation, and I posed the question "If her ex came back to her and said he's a better man, would she go back to him?" She said no and told me she is starting to get frustrated because I won't believe how she feels. The thing is that I do...so she kept on getting the wrong impression that I don't. I told her that I'm very confident of the relationship, and me and my abilities, and that she can go if she wants to, I'm not going to hold her down, but she said she wanted to be with me and she loves me. So I just left it at that. I told her this is her get-of-out-jail card...and that I don't want to talk about this again.

 

Then dude, leave it at that and let it go. Her actions will show you how she truly feels and as long as she's with you and not with him, well, there is your answer.

[crazy_grl]

Then dude, leave it at that and let it go. Her actions will show you how she truly feels and as long as she's with you and not with him, well, there is your answer.

 

Exactly. Every relationship is going to have moments that make you question whether you've made the right choice. (If someone is in one where neither person has, I'd sure love to hear about it.) The way I see it, you have 3 options when that happens:

1- Cut and run at the first inkling of trouble

2- Throw caution to the wind and ignore it. Continue to progress the relationship despite your doubts and hope things work out anyway.

3- Stay and remain cautious, withdraw a bit if you need and don't invest yourself any further in the relationship until you're confident that moving forward is a good decision.

 

I've done 1 and 2 with not much success and ended up getting hurt because of it, especially doing 2. So far, 3 seems to be working pretty well for me so I'll stick with and recommend that approach. Maybe other approaches work for other people, and if they do, I'm happy for them.

 

Granted, the OP probably has a much different mindset from me and that's cool. All I'm saying is that if my GF said anything like that to me she would be out on her ass. I do not have time for silly 'games' such as 'backing away a little' and all to 'experiment' and gauge her reactions. Either you are with me both mentally or physically or you're not. No grey areas there.

 

If it works for you, that's great. The all or nothing thing hasn't worked for me though. I either end up getting rid of someone without giving them a chance or pushing them away because they aren't ready to make the decision yet.

 

I don't see this as a game. I don't think anybody said to experiment and gauge her reactions. That does sound like a game. The advice I gave and what I think CaliGuy was saying is to stick with it and let her actions speak to whether or not she's as invested in this relationship as she says.

 

Maybe others would disagree, but I also don't see backing away to protect yourself and get perspective as a game. If a person does it to get a reaction or make the other person chase them, then I'd agree it's game playing. But that's just based on my distiction between what is a game and what's not.

[higherground5]

Exactly. Every relationship is going to have moments that make you question whether you've made the right choice. (If someone is in one where neither person has, I'd sure love to hear about it.) The way I see it, you have 3 options when that happens:

1- Cut and run at the first inkling of trouble

2- Throw caution to the wind and ignore it. Continue to progress the relationship despite your doubts and hope things work out anyway.

3- Stay and remain cautious, withdraw a bit if you need and don't invest yourself any further in the relationship until you're confident that moving forward is a good decision.

 

I've done 1 and 2 with not much success and ended up getting hurt because of it, especially doing 2. So far, 3 seems to be working pretty well for me so I'll stick with and recommend that approach. Maybe other approaches work for other people, and if they do, I'm happy for them.

 

 

 

If it works for you, that's great. The all or nothing thing hasn't worked for me though. I either end up getting rid of someone without giving them a chance or pushing them away because they aren't ready to make the decision yet.

 

I don't see this as a game. I don't think anybody said to experiment and gauge her reactions. That does sound like a game. The advice I gave and what I think CaliGuy was saying is to stick with it and let her actions speak to whether or not she's as invested in this relationship as she says.

 

Maybe others would disagree, but I also don't see backing away to protect yourself and get perspective as a game. If a person does it to get a reaction or make the other person chase them, then I'd agree it's game playing. But that's just based on my distiction between what is a game and what's not.

 

I guess I really don't know how to function here. We had a final talk a few nights ago, and I told her this is the last time I want to talk about this. Yesterday I felt the need to call her and see if she wanted to come by...but she was heading out with her sister for drinks (I called her too late at night), but she wanted to hang out tonight. I told her I had plans then, and for the weekend...and she kind of got mad, "Why are you being so cold?". I actually wasn't being cold, I was just telling her I'm filled up. So then she told me tha she thought the weekends were for "us". To make a long story short, my plans got cancelled for tonight and I'm hanging out with her.

 

I guess I just don't know how to function now. I don't want to be available all the time to her and it seems like I'm giving her that impression, however, I don't want to hurt her either by saying I have plans. Now I'm trying to decide if I should go away this weekend and not hang out with her...the thing is that I know this bothers her because of the statement she made. Apart of me is trying to create that unpredictability/challenge aspect again. Thoughts?

[CaliGuy]

I guess I really don't know how to function here. We had a final talk a few nights ago, and I told her this is the last time I want to talk about this. Yesterday I felt the need to call her and see if she wanted to come by...but she was heading out with her sister for drinks (I called her too late at night), but she wanted to hang out tonight. I told her I had plans then, and for the weekend...and she kind of got mad, "Why are you being so cold?". I actually wasn't being cold, I was just telling her I'm filled up. So then she told me tha she thought the weekends were for "us". To make a long story short, my plans got cancelled for tonight and I'm hanging out with her.

 

I guess I just don't know how to function now. I don't want to be available all the time to her and it seems like I'm giving her that impression, however, I don't want to hurt her either by saying I have plans. Now I'm trying to decide if I should go away this weekend and not hang out with her...the thing is that I know this bothers her because of the statement she made. Apart of me is trying to create that unpredictability/challenge aspect again. Thoughts?

You're thinking far too much, that's my thoughts.

 

Like has been said before. Let it go. You're over-analyzing this to death.

[SmoochieFace]

You're thinking far too much, that's my thoughts.

 

Like has been said before. Let it go. You're over-analyzing this to death.

 

You and I are in agreement there.

 

He needs to let it go and find someone who is really into him - not someone who is fence-sitting.

[crazy_grl]

She's not fence sitting.

 

colforbin, let it go and stop over analyzing or you're going to drive her away.

[sbgt94066]

IMO, you need to let her go and find her way. I'm in the exact same situation now, with this girl i've been dating. She says she wants to keep the ex around as just a friend, but she told me he wants to get back with her!!!! SO, i told her i need to step away from this right now if we are going to be together in the future. I also told her i still care for her, but i need 100% of her, not 80 or 90. That way, she can resolve her feelings with her ex, and if she decides to stay with him.....it'll be ok becuase I made this decision, and now she can really think about what she may have lost. If it's meant to be, she'll come back or at least keep calling. (mine tries to call n text now, it's only been a week, i only respond to the text briefly). Hope this helps. Good luck with your decision!!

[crazy_grl]

No offense, sbgt94066, but your situation doesn't sound the same at all. I think colforbin might feel the same as you, but only because he's over exaggerating the situation. From what he's said, it sounds like his gf doesn't even have contact with the ex.

[orangehose]

Well, she told me this because I just got a vibe she missed her ex so I asked her about it. He doesn't live too far from my place so sometimes we pass his apartment and I just hear her make comments like "looks like a party is going on here" etc. So I just called her out on it and thats when she told me about it.

 

 

 

 

Hmmm, this was how "the ex-files" unfolded for me as well. He seemed very distant one weekend, so I questioned him about whether he was missing his ex, and he broke down about how she was the love of his life, they were going to get married, etc etc.

[orangehose]

I did ask her that...I also asked her if he were to call her up and saying he's a changed man, would she go back to him. She replied with "never..the relationship was terrible...everything is irreversible". Read the last post I did.

 

I basically said I'll wait this out, but this is the first and last time I'm putting up with it. I gave her the option to take off and to have some space, but she didn't want to hear it. She kept on saying she loves me and wants to have my children. BUT SHE MISSES HER EX?? WTF. I'm leaving it as that...and I'm backing off for a while...disappearing if you will. I'm with her, but that doesn't mean I can't back off. Is that a good idea?

 

 

Okay, well this sounds a lot better than my situation was in two respects: she says she'd never go back to him (my dude said he would), and she says she wants a future with you. Both very good signs. More coming...

[orangehose]

Too soon apparently. She broke up with him and said she fell out of love with him way before she closed the door. It was this reason why I took things extremely slow the first two months we dated...we probably went out like 1-2 a week if that. I mean she said she was in an abusive relationship; he treated her like ****, cheated on her etc, but, he was in a band and she had more of a social life with him around then me, so she said this could be a possibility. I mean she claims that she loves me and all of this non-sense, but how can she say that when she misses someone or something about a previous relationship?

 

Forbin

 

 

Okay, so this brings me to another point - sometimes certain people are just more compatible than others. When "the ex-files" opened with my ex-BF a couple months in, the first thought that came into my mind was that somehow he was just more compatible with the last girl than with me. Like your girl, he came running back saying that love can grow over time, he wasn't in love with her anymore, etc. So I put it behind me and went on.

 

It went on for another 9 months, but looking back, my initial reaction was correct - we just weren't that compatible or connected, and he wanted someone more like his ex. I confirmed this nine months later when we broke up - he said that she was the opposite of me - very social, gregarious, emotional, charismatic. By contrast, I don't lead a huge social life, I'm relatively unemotional and easygoing. Similarly, you mentioned that her ex led an active social life, and perhaps she was missing that.

 

Anyway, if this is the only 'problem' in the relationship, then yeah, let it go to the best of your ability. She seems to have given you ample reassurance of a sort that I didn't get (i.e. wanting a future, saying she's in love with you, etc). Plus, you don't want her to stop being honest with you about her feelings about other things because of fear of you pulling away.

 

On the other hand, it can be hard to just put this out of your mind. In a relationship, you want to feel like the other person thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread (at least in their romantic life). Remaining attachments to exes make you feel like second fiddle or a consolation prize.

 

Personally, I'm now a fan of the SmoochieFace route in this matter - in the future, anyone with lingering longings for exes will be out the window. Not that it's completely the other person's fault - it just takes a lot of self-confidence in the romantic arena to accept a partner with that kind of baggage, and I now know I can't easily handle it.

[higherground5]

Thanks guys. I've already committed to move on with the relationship. I have to say though, that this is a delicate situation, and I should probably get out of it, but on the flip side, I'm in love with her. Probably because how she was when we first started dating.

 

Right now it's not too bad, but it definitely seems like her interest in me is decreasing. Why do I get this feeling? Well, I just get the feeling she's being secretive, and she is telling me that she is going out to bars by herself, when she knows I don't feel comfortable with that (she's always been a very independent person). So I'm just bottling up these red flags..and saving it for a rainy day.