EEK!! Was proposed to... many times

[Sapphira]

I've known my boyfriend for six months now, we've been seriously committed for four. Recently, my boyfriend has suggested marriage and co-habitation. I, however, have been quite hesitant in taking the next step with him. Partly due to a previous relationship that ended in betrayal (I was cheated on) and my boyfriend not being completely open in a few areas of his life. It's not that he hasn't been truthful, but that he hasn't willingly divulged important information about his past that should have been told early on in our relationship (the fact that he has children).

 

I do love him intensely and I can see a future for us. I know I can be utterly happy and satisfied with him. I know this sounds corny, but we both feel *complete* when with one another.

 

I guess the point of this post is - he knew how incredibly important honesty was to me. The fact that he did not reveal this certain area of his life to me was disappointing to say the least. I can understand his viewpoint - that he didn't want to lose me, but still... shouldn't that be up to me to decide before I had gotten emotionally involved? I guess I am feeling some resentment by feeling *played* and manipulated.

 

I don't want to sound arrogant but there are other *options* in my life. I don't have any problems meeting other men. I'm just not sure whether I will be able to forgive AND forget. I have forgiven but not forgotten. And for someone to have hurt me (especially someone that says he loves me dearly) is not an easy obstacle for me to overcome. However, I fear losing him and what we have. I also fear not being able to duplicate these feelings, this devotion and the love I receive and am able to give him ,with another.

 

Bottom line - shall I take that next step?

 

Thanks in advance for your advice,

 

Sappy

[Tony T]

You are actually asking total strangers on an Internet romance forum to help you make such a critical decision for your life. Hey, get outta here!!!

 

This is completely a judgement call that you're going to have to make. I don't care how important honesty is to you, people have sensitivities and weaknesses far beyond what may be important to you.

 

The way I see it is you have determined that your guy is HUMAN. Wow, what a discovery!!! He is actually capable of making fallible decisions and screwing up.

 

Frankly, I think he ought to be the one questioning whether HE should be marrying YOU. I personally would never, ever want to be with a woman who couldn't understand my human frailties and weaknesses and talk things out when I screwed up. I wouldn't want to be with a woman who couldn't forget my mistakes but could ONLY remember that I was a human being and came with all the same defects that every other human being comes from.

 

Now, he has outright lied to you and this stuff you have to resolve. By not telling you he had children, he lied by concealment. You have to find out why. He may not have counted on the relationship going as far as it has. He may have felt he waited too long to spring this information on you and just couldn't figure out how to tell you at a certain point.

 

It is only human, something we learn when we are tiny kids to keep from getting a whipping, to withhold information that we think may get us rejected. There is a child in everyone of us that does this. It's a human thing. The more serious the concealment, the more his love for you.

 

If he didn't give a hoot about you, he would have totally poured his guts out to get rid of you. For Pete's sake, cut the guy some slack....and cut your ownself some too!!!

 

If you create an atmosphere of nonjudgement and openness, there is no reason why he should ever need to do this again. However, if you really work with him over time you can create this safe landscape and release him from these petty childhood traps.

 

So, if you really love him you'll forgive, forget and work on this together. If you are the right person for him, you'll recognize that while you love him greatly he is still a flesh and blood human being with all the attendant trappings that come along with homosapienism.

 

The next time you see him, ask him if he will want to stay with someone who has such a difficulty recognizing his humanity and forgetting this stuff. See what he says.

 

If you think for a minute you're going to find a man anywhere in the world who's going to come clean with you on every detail and not withhold some information for later when it's a bit safer in a matured relationship, then I have some lake lots to sell you on the moon.

 

Go think about this stuff and get back with him. Let him know if you're the right lady for him or not.

[quankanne]

can you honestly say you can be "utterly happy and satisfied with him," after feeling you've been "*played* and manipulated" by him? Is there enough trust between the two of you where you can concentrate on the forgiveness aspect of forgiving and forgetting, of showing mercy as you try to find a solution?

 

... being a dad is a pretty big secret to not let you in on, but then again, I can also kind of see his viewpoint, being afraid to let you know because he didn't want to scare you off. Or he probably just didn't know how to broach the subject, you know? I'm not making excuses for him, just pointing out that when people are afraid of someone's response, they often go out of their way to conceal a situation until they've missed a lot of good opportunities to just say what's needed to be said.

 

I think once you've blown off some steam and started looking at it more objectively (and gently letting him know that you'd rather have the information in a timely manner so that you aren't sidetracked by his waiting to tell you things!), you need to really think about whether you want to be involved with someone who's got kids. Because from now on, it's not just you and him -- it's you, him and the kids, and everything you do is going to be affected by their needs.

 

you also need to seriously consider why you're in this relationship with him -- is it because you've got something that really clicks, or because you don't want to give up the feelings he elicits in you? Marriage (even living together) is a pretty big step to make, and it's even bigger if you're going into it without realizing that it's not all huggy-kissy stuff, esp. when it comes to kids, sex and finances.

[Ally Boo]

It's true. This is one thing, although it is a serious thing, it shows you that he trusts you enough WITH the truth. The way you react now will lay down the grounds on what he shares with you in the future. Take it in stride to prove to him that the two of you CAN handle anything. Put yourself in HIS shoes for a little bit.

[jimthzz]

I would like to introduce the idea of taking a far longer amount of time to decide whether to marry and/or move in with this guy.

 

You two cannot possibly know each other well enough yet for such a commitment.

 

Yes, people will argue otherwise, of that I am sure.

 

What's the rush?

 

Think of it, if you do marry you're intending a lifelong commitment.

 

What's, say, another six months or a year of serious one-on-one dating compared to that?

[BeReal]

I just wanted to say that I agree with you. Hiding the fact that you have children is a big deal. A man who is so afraid of losing you that he won't disclose that he has children...well it makes you wonder how much of your relationship is real because he's probably so afraid of losing you that he's being who he thinks you want him to be instead of who he really is. I hate that.

 

You want to feel you know who a person really is before you marry them. I wonder if these people would excuse his dishonesty if he'd been hiding that he was really a transexual. We do try to present our best side in early stages of a relationship, but I think hiding your children is beyond that.

 

I agree with jimthzz, don't rush. What's your hurry? Wait until you feel sure about marrying him.

[Ally Boo]

They have only been together 6 months....and "serious" for 4. And sometimes the girl thinks they are serious, but the guy doesn't get serious for a while later...although they might want you to THINK they are.

[jimthzz]

Girl thinks of "serious" as when they get physically intimate.

 

Boy thinks of "serious" when he finally tells of earlier children and gives up dating others on the side?

[BeReal]

To me, the fact that someone has children should come up within the first few dates. It's well known that some people don't want to get involved with people who have children. That's why this guy was so sneaky in keeping it to himself.

[Ally Boo]

Serious for a girl is when a girl thinks that they are working on something meaningful.....

 

Serious for a guy (some guys) is when it becomes more than sex....and that can happen a long time after the girl thinks its meaningful

[Sapphira]

Thank you all for your advice (and thanks to Tony for the slap in the face of reality )

 

I've decided to move in with him and see where that leads. I do love him and want to try to make this work.

 

Thanks again everyone for the different perspectives,

 

Sapphira

[butterflyz]

how do you come to the conclusion that the bigger the concealment, the more he loves you?

 

i think to conceal something important is being disrespectful and the person obviously has no faith in you or the relationship to hide something. i think it speaks volumes that the person is immature and selfish and insecure. i think if the guy had faith in the relationship, he would have come clean.

 

i tell the truth at all costs. i think it shows great respect for my significant other or friend that i trust him enough to tell the truth. obviously this guy doesn't trust, thus he is not trustworthy. i should know, i've received a huge learning experience in the last year.

 

how many times do we say to people that if a guy lies (whether by concealment or not) about being married, then give him the boot?

[midori]

Honesty is important, true. And perhaps the biggest issue here was whether or not his dishonesty to her was indicative of general untrustworthiness.

 

But what I want to know is, what kind of man conceals the fact that he has children? Is he ashamed of his children?

 

I've learned, the hard way, that the way a person treats/interacts with family members is generally a good indicator of how they'll treat me in the long run.

 

What kind of man would be interested in a woman whom he feared might not be able to accept his children? Why would he even want to get to know her if this was a concern?

 

I assume that the kids don't live with him. But imagine if he was taking them on an outing (and if he doesn't see them, that's even more alarming) and said to them, "Oh by the way guys, if we run into my new girlfriend, do me a favor and pretend that I'm your uncle, not your dad. This one might be a keeper and I don't want to scare her off."

 

Consider: if you get married, and he goes up for a job that he thinks he'd stand a better chance of getting if the employer didn't know he was married, would he conveniently omit any mention of you?

 

I don't know. This does not seem like a person who has his relational priorities straight. I'm not a parent, but if I were I would be proud of my children, and I'd expect that anyone who wanted to know me would be pleased to know my children too -- or at least know ABOUT them. A guy who didn't want that kind of "baggage" would not be my kind of guy -- and even if he were my kind of guy, if he didn't like children, it obviously wouldn't work.

 

So why didn't he tell you? If he thought his kids would scare you off, why did he pursue you? If it had turned out that you really disliked children and didn't want any of your own, would he have just turned his back on his kids, keeping them a dirty little secret?

 

He didn't want to scare you off -- or he didn't want to make potentially embarrassing explanations, by giving a complicated history that perhaps didn't show him in the best light? I don't think he was trying to spare you at all, it sounds to me like he was trying to spare himself some hassle for as long as he could put it off.