how porn destroys relationships

[Guest]

What I am about to tell everyone here is extremely personal and I hope used as a warning for those men and women out there that believe that Love conquers all and that no one thing will ever destroy that Love - This is my personal story about a women, a man, their Love and how pornography ruined their relationship. As someone who grew up never taking the female persepective in mind regarding porn, I have struggled through the confusion of ignorance, the self-doubt associated the use of porn, and the discovery of how my watching pornography turned a loved ones feelings towards me into stone and repulsion. To this day, I strive to convince her that I did not have an addiction to porn, and try to get her to understand what my motivation and rationale was behind me watching porn – and how she can trust 100% when I state it is something that will never again be allowed to corrupt us.

 

See men really do not understand how women react to their man viewing porn – often the problem is simply one where women don’t communicate directly with men, usually because fear and anxiety and the belief that men may not see the significance or realize the effect it is having on their relationship. My relationship was damaged by porn, and I hope this gives other a little insight and makes u think about how porn effects both men and women.

 

During a period where I was severely depressed and addicted to cocaine, I spent a period of 5 months where I isolated myself from my wife and pushed her away thru emotional abuse and spent hour after hour on my computer doing sex related activities. And because I am one to not hide, but also not disclose things, my internet tracks were always left, not erased so if my wife wanted to see what I was doing she could find that easily – and she did. I can only imagine how she must have felt when she first discovered that her husband was going to video sites, sex chat rooms, and using a web cam for personal sex. I am sure she must have first been shocked and then disgusted and then felt the love for me disappear.

 

I know she probably thought that somehow this was somehow related to her, that she was to blame, that she was not satisfying my needs, and that she was worthless. Then I am sure, because I know who she is probably shifted quickly from that position and thought it was me that was worthless, that it was me that was to blame and that I had a serious problem and that she would never love such a man. I am sure she saw this as the ultimate betrayal and was hurt so bad that when she left me, she would never see me again. Because what my actions were about amounted to lies, betrayal, infidelaity, perversion, devaluation and a total disregard for the importance of initimacy – when one fantasizes with and about others – it is seen as the replacement of the one you love for nothing more than a computer screen and that is extremely powerful and causes extreme hurt.

 

I know she found this out early on when I was doing this and that she spent long hours evaluating herself, me, and our relationship, looking for where you went wrong, for the signs you missed. And eventually she knew it was not her fault and that’s when thoughts about leaving and being with another man came into her mind; when the man you love clearly shows you that he doesn't want or need you anymore, and you have seen what he is doing, it is easy to lose any attached to him and I know that is what happened and the reason she will never again find me attractive. Right now I know that the very thought of my touch would make her skin crawl. I know that she went thru month trying to figure out how the love she knows she has for me and the desire to comprehend why I did this, and that she tried to force herself to confront me. But she fears confrontation and it was easier to simply walk away.

 

I know she tried to express her concerns, but it was done in an indirect way, but I was also in a state where I could not function cognitively and digest how important this was – I probably shifted the focus, just as I had done about my cocaine usage, and saw it as an invasion of privacy.

 

Now that I have heal and recovered I understand how all this ruined our love, and have worked hard to speak to her of my conviction to never have that be in my life, and how I understand how this effected her and us, and show her respect by telling her all this not to try again in a relationship, but to help her heal and not view me with disgust,

 

I failed to recognize that her past, abuse, abandonment, family issues, sexual experiences, and my watching porn would put her through a roller coaster where she would not only spin out of control [while believing she was in control] but also that the extremely stress of months of this would trigger an illness and make her life extremely difficult.’

 

Most importantly, if you are not open about your habits, you have something to hide and are probably doing it for the wrong reasons. I know right now this experience has impacted her deeply and that as much as she believes in love, she will never lose who she is just to have someone in her life. I know that she saw my actions as a form of cheating – and it was. I know that she once was extremely attracted to me and that just my touch sent shivers down her back and that now she would never allow me to touch her and that near the end of our relationship initimacy for her went from a natural connection and immediate pleasure to a chore, to disgust – and was a big reason she sought compassion and the love and sex from another man and was a huge reason another man [with infornation about our life] would be able to easily charm his way into her life and use what he knows to convince her she loved him – someone like that is evil.

 

I know that how my watching porn effected my wife – she saw it as setting unrealistic standards and expectations, and the thought of me masturbating, without her, to it was me mentally fixating on other women, and devaluing her. I know for a fact that she believed [not true thought] that she wasn't providing what I needed and that affected her self-esteem, both in terms of how she felt, how she looked and her sexual performance. I know understand that men and women react different to porn, and I know that for my wife it was an emotional one, and that for her, it' was about commitment – that monogamy should extend beyond the physical but also to the brain.

 

I know that she saw this as an emotional betrayal – it was. I know she saw it as infidelity – it was. I know that this has injured her mind, heart, and soul and has impacted how her body reacts towards me because of all this. I know that she secretly went to the same sites I was and engaged in conversation with me with telling me and that she also engaged in every part of my web based activities – I know that she knew it spoke sexually with strangers, that my sexual chat morphed to the use of web cam and the exchange of pro videos and I know that even though these experiences for me were only occuring in my mind, and that I would never take fantasy onto reality, that this fact does not change what my actions meant to her, me and us.

 

See once your views about someone and their association with porn is downloaded into our mental hard drive, it corrupts both people and mainly the partner who has been left out – their thoughts about sexuality, about men in general, and the man in question, are now linked to past feelings of love, present feelings of disgust and lost trust, and whether that person will ever have the capacity to remain faithful in marriage – and eventually they simply will not care about you at all. This is what happened to my wife.

 

And in addition to this, because of all this she has suffered mental injuries, faces huge challenges emotional, is finding healthy attachments and bonding elusive, and views me as someone with a pornography addiction, having an intimacy disorder, and that any attempt at making a connection with me would be not just extremely difficult – but perhaps impossible. So let this be a warning to all those that see porn is simple pleasure – before u ever engage in something like that, make sure your woman and you communicate honestly and never engage in an activity which is so trivial, yet so damaging, because it will destroy what you Love.