Can I Ask This of My Wife?

[garvis]

So I've been lacking some self confidence. My wife knows this and wants me to work on a goal to help me feel better about myself. I wrote out a letter to my wife asking her some questions. I'd like an opinion or two about this. Is what I am asking pressuring her to much? Should I, or should I not give this to her? These are the question I ask in my letter:

 

I would like to hear what qualities I have that you love. I'd like to know what I have done that turns you on. I'd like to know what things I have done that has given you "butterflies in your stomach". I want to be that person to you. I want to rebuild my confidence and work on being that person.

What I fear is that she will tell me that I should already know this. I know she loves me, but I'm not always sure why. I truly want to work on being that person that she fell in love with.

 

Thanks.

[Guest]

my 2 cents

 

i would not send it. hopefully by now you know all this stuff, the good and the bad. if anything, i would suggest that u ask her if there is anything she need support with or would like to talk about - focus on doing yourself alone - that shows confidence and understanding, and start giving her attention.

[Mythical]

Hey Garvis,

 

I deflinetly think you should give it to her. I know if I was her I would totally except it and answer all the questins turthfully and prob with pleasure!

She wants to help you, it would boost your confidense and help you find out more of what you can work on and what you do great.

 

Defiently give this letter to her, I think this would help a lot, im sure there wouldn't be any negative feedback sicne she has agreed to help and be there for you!

[Guest]

well, i am in the same situation but i am really shy and nervous that my gurlfriend would find that upseting - so i was thinking about just sending heran email or talking about it on IM - what would be the best way to communicate with her - face to face, email, letter in the mail, or IM?

[Trialbyfire]

If it's easier to do it by letter, then do it. Otherwise romance her and say the same things to her in person.

[Guest]

I wish my ex had had the courage to talk to me about things like this. This shows a willingness to be vulnerable and a determinedness to make your relationship even better and stronger!

 

I say give her the letter.

 

 

If I'd gotten such a letter, my ex might not be an 'ex'.

[whichwayisup]

What I fear is that she will tell me that I should already know this. I know she loves me, but I'm not always sure why. I truly want to work on being that person that she fell in love with.

 

If she has the nerve to say this to you after reading your letter, explain to her obviously you need to hear it otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

 

In that letter though, tell her what you love about her to get the ball rolling.

[JamesM]

So I've been lacking some self confidence. My wife knows this and wants me to work on a goal to help me feel better about myself.

 

The first question that came to me was...do YOU want to work on a goal to improve yourself, or are you doing it for your wife? There is a difference.

 

If it's easier to do it by letter, then do it. Otherwise romance her and say the same things to her in person.

 

I would have to agree with TBF. If you can say it in person, that would be better. Over a dinner or cup of coffee (your choice of drink ), take out a pen and paper, ask her that question then write down what she says.

 

This does a couple of things.

First, you can say it in person, and see her reaction.

 

Second, she can hear the way you ask, and ask questions if needed. You can ask questions for clarification if needed.

 

Third, you can write everything down for her. This way it becomes your homework not hers.

 

Letters are great in alot of situations, but here I am for the "in person" talk. The idea of starting the talk may be intimidating, but if you give her the letter and she has questions, etc., she may want to sit down and talk anyway. A letter would work, but I think a heart to heart talk will give you a better opportunity to really get her opinion.

 

A personal note. Quite a few years ago, I went thru a depression. I also asked my wife what she loved or didn't love. I thought this would help me get back on my feet. For me, it did not work, because when I was down, then I figured she wouldn't love me if I wasn't good enough in those areas. IMO, I think what helped me most was counseling. I was able to express all of my feelings to someone who was not connected to my situation. For me this helped me to let go of alot of "stuff."

 

Knowing what my wife loved was not the same as "remembering" who I was. Focusing on what she liked rather than developing confidence in myself caused me not to become more self confident, but rather it caused me to focus on her feelings for me. If she didn't feel love for me, then I felt I wasn't a "good" person. If I failed to meet one of the qualities she felt were important, I felt less than perfect and worried that she wouldn't love me. That caused me to ask her every day "How did do?" My happiness became tied to her approval...not to MY personal approval. I think there is a key difference.

 

That is why I am not certain that this is the best direction to meet YOUR goals. IF it is used as a starting point, then it can be helpful, but if it is used as the criteria to determine if you are improving, then your personal growth will be based on what someone else decides your growth should be...not on what is best for you.

 

Also, how will this affect her alcohol abuse? Is she working on her own issues? Your feelings of insecurity may cause her to feel insecure as to your future together. With counseling for you and if necessary for her, a third party takes the "burden" rather than one of you. Trust me...from experience, I can say that when you rediscover who you are, you will become the person she loved/loves.

[garvis]

Thanks for all the opinions. In a way, I'm using this forum as a "third party". It kind of helps me because I'm not always able to get appts with my counselor when I feel like I need it.

 

I thought a letter would be nice because she could deal with it on her time. I wanted to talk to her about it last night, but I could tell she was tired. I wanted to give her the space to rest or do what she needed to do. I may talk to her rather than the letter. Finding the right time can be difficult with our crazy schedules.

 

The alcohol thing is another aspect that I cannot put my finger on. Truthfully, her alcohol consumption is not tied to my moods, at least as far as I can tell. She doesn't drink any more or less than when I was "fine". For a while there I was right there with her drinking. I just got bored and tired of it. But I do know that I've been much more emotional since quitting drinking. But in a way, it's liberating.

 

JamesM, thanks for sharing your experience. I agree with you...what happens when I hear some things I necessarily don't want to hear? Will it make me feel worse? Maybe. And it does come down to ME. I'm just hoping to get back to being the strong, but sensitive husband I've been.

 

Thanks again.

[shoesies05]

Maybe re-write your letter, make it more sweet sounding and honest and open. Tell her your concerns, it really is best to talk to her face to face. If this is what works for you though you should try it. An open , honest relationship is always better than the one where you keep wondering what's wrong.

 

Also, maybe experiment and try to see what she likes best. You know im going through a break up right now, and my sister reccomended a book that i thought was very true. It's the The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It talks about how people feel loved in different ways: Words of affirmation, Touch, quality time, recieving gifts, and acts of service. I think it hjolds pretty true. Its a pretty easy idea to get. Maybe you should try and see what her love language is and what yours is, and how you can do things in her language to show her you love her. It is a christian book, but incase that worries you it's not loaded with "god this and god that..." really it just is a book about loving one another.

 

I hope whatever you do, you do make her feel loved and show it plenty! And that all this works out!

[TYASAFAHICSI]

I think that might be a fun and insightful excercise for ALL couples. If you are hesitant and thinking you should know it all by now---insert one word ---MOST What do I do that MOST turns youu on, etc. And then of course the conversation that will likely follow will reveal the others

[garvis]

Thanks to all of you for your opinions. I never gave my wife the note. But we were having a conversation the other night and I asked modified versions of my questions. It really opened things up. It was a good exchange where we expressed our love and admiration for each other. It really helped to elevate my mood and I think it did the same for her.

 

Thanks again.