hotti_kinki Posted August 3, 2002 Share Posted August 3, 2002 I got a dilemma or rather need some clarification......... I have met a guy from the internet, we went out 3 times, we've had fun, laughed, I've been to his house, ect......... Well, we were supposed to go out the other night *he told me that he had forgotten he had plans* so I was supposed to call him later on & we'd meet up & go eat......... When I called his cell phone, it was turned off......... So I left a message & went to bed........... The next morning I called him to see what's up & he sounded normal & I asked him if he wanted to hang out tonight........... He said "Maybe, I might be going out with a friend tonight, I'll call you & let you know later....." I called him & met up with him, stayed over his house & left the next morning to go to work. This was 3 days ago & I've heard from him once. It was a brief "I'm going up to Santa Barbara for the weekend, I'll talk to you later" Well I gave it up to him & am wondering if this is one of those 'got it, now i don't want it' type of things......... Any suggestions on what I should do, what you think is happening, tips, advice, ect......... I am really at a loss as to what I should do.......... Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted August 3, 2002 Share Posted August 3, 2002 it sounds to me like u were too easy a catch to be valuable to him... that's the impression i got. he felt that u will run after him even when he's busy - and that makes u even less valuable in his eyes. think about it - meeting his friend was more important than meeting u? well, to hell with him then! don't let men put u low on their priority list... on a brighter note - i think u'll learn from this mistake, won't u?? so be glad this lesson's over! =) better luck next time! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
BeReal Posted August 4, 2002 Share Posted August 4, 2002 It sounds like you weren't a very high priority even before you stayed over. Doesn't sound like a good catch for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted August 4, 2002 Share Posted August 4, 2002 I think ya got played....but I mean at least he told you he was going out of town....but what makes you think he wasn't really just going to be IN town and didn't want you to call. He could have a girlfriend that was in town this weekend or maybe he went to go see her. I've seen EVERYTHING. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 4, 2002 Share Posted August 4, 2002 I wish you people would stop talking about me like this. I was really going out of town!!! Link to post Share on other sites
hotti_kinki Posted August 12, 2002 Share Posted August 12, 2002 Hi Everyone! I appreciate all of the posts, advice, replies, ect Thank you all so much.... This is what has happened.... I didn't see him all last week. (I did NOT call him at all) He called me on friday to go see a movie that night, I told him I had already made plans so I couldn't on friday, but for him to call me on saturday & maybe we could do something then. He said ok. Saturday I was online & I IM'd him asking him how he was. He said he had just gotten home from car shopping with his brother & had eaten a bad hotdog & thought he had food posioning. So I asked him if he'd like me to come over & bring him something. He said "No thanks, I look horrible, I don't want you to see me like this" I told him it really wasn't a problem, but he insisted.... I told him, if he needed anything to call me as I was going to be down at a friends house, near his house. He said ok, I didn't hear from him again on saturday. Yesterday comes & he's online, I IM him asking him if he felt better & he said yes, but his head still hurt. He asked if I wanted to go out to get something to eat, I told him yes but I was on my way to a friends, so I would call him when I was finished. I called him about 1pm & asked if he wanted me to come over. He said yes. I went over there, we went & got something to eat, went to the movies & then back to his house. I was feeling 'confused' so I told him I needed to talk to him. He said fine & we talked. Basically I brought up his 'aloofness' in the last week & told him that when I care about someone, I don't like feeling 'insecure' about the r/s. He said he understood & thought the reason he 'backed off' last week was because he didn't want to seem too 'clingy' & that he had a r/s before that was ruined because of his 'clinginess' (is that even a word?) Now, I totally understand that, it's happened to me before also. I told him we need to work out a 'balance' of togetherness. He agreed. What do you think about this new devolopment? The whole time we were together he was talking about how happy he was with me, how much he missed me, ect....... Now I'm one to be optimistic, does it seem to any of you that I should be? I want to throw caution to the wind & just 'be' but I also don't want to get hurt......... Please any thoughts would help P.S. I have a nagging suspicion that he might be 'dating around' or seeing other women to find someone who best suits me..... Any way of being able to 'confirm' it without straight up ASKING? Link to post Share on other sites
hotti_kinki Posted August 12, 2002 Share Posted August 12, 2002 Originally posted by hotti_kinki P.S. I have a nagging suspicion that he might be 'dating around' or seeing other women to find someone who best suits me..... Any way of being able to 'confirm' it without straight up ASKING? I meant, to find someone who best suits HIM, not ME..... Link to post Share on other sites
velvet Posted August 14, 2002 Share Posted August 14, 2002 Take it slow. Thats the best thing you could do for yourself and the r/s in the future. In the developing stage people don't react to clinginess. You should be more of a challenge even if you don't feel like you don't want to spend another day without him...trust me on this. Once they gotcha, they don't know what to do withcha! Don't judge things when its quiet or if things slow down a bit. Some people cling harder than others in fear of loosing and being rejected. I'm one of them. However if you don't fell like your in that situation and that your concerns are very much real and you feel as hes pushing you off he may have other women in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted August 14, 2002 Share Posted August 14, 2002 Originally posted by hotti_kinki he had just gotten home from car shopping with his brother & had eaten a bad hotdog & thought he had food posioning. Wow, now THAT sounds like an intresting day!! You really can't care if he is seeing anyone else or not, because I mean you aren't exclusive. So, who cares? Date someone else until you BOTH decide (if you decide) to date each other exclusively. You are trying to move too fast. Link to post Share on other sites
hotti_kinki Posted August 26, 2002 Share Posted August 26, 2002 Hi Ya'll! Hopefully I'm not beating a dead horse by bringing this thread back up, but here's my situation now..... All last week, I took everyone's suggestions to heart & 'backed off,' I was REVERTING.... Last thursday he called me *after not hearing from him for 4 days* & said that 'something was bothering him & he NEEDED to see me' So I told him sure, call me when you get off work. He never called back. Saturday morning rolls around & I decided that I had enough of this & I was going to go over to his house & get my 'belongings.' So I called him & asked if he was going to be home so I could come get my 'stuff,' he said Yes, so I told him I'd be there probably 2 hours. 5 min later he calls me & asks if I had plans for the day, I said no, he said Ok, I want to take you somewhere. I went over there & we drove up to Santa Barbara. We had a good day (hanging out, went to eat, shopping, ect) Halfway through the day he FINALLY decided that he wanted to let me know what was up. He told me that he had just found out that his ex had been lying to him for the past 4 or so months. Lying about where she lives, her son, what she has been doing, ect. He said it hurt him & that he was avoiding me to figure out why she did that. I told him that it might not necissarily be his fault she was lying. I stayed over at his house on saturday night & sunday came & we had another wonderful day. He made me breakfast, we spent the day with my horse, ect. Last night while we were watching a movie I finally decided we needed to have a talk & to get it ALL OUT. I started the conversation out by telling him that I truly cared for him. I told him that I felt completly safe, comfortable, happy, wonderful really, while I was with him. I told him that's how he made me feel. I told him that he was 'my type' of man. I told him that our personalities 'meshed' perfectly. I also told him that I didn't like the way I felt when I WASN'T with him, that I didn't appreciate it when he would say he was going to call but never does, that I understood what he was going through with his ex, but I wasn't going to wait forever for him, that I was unsure about his feelings for me, that I ultimatly deserved someone who could give me their ALL He basically said he could understand what I was saying, that he knew he wasn't being as available to me as I was to him, (emotionally) that he cared about me & could see a future with me, & that he just needed TIME to get over this. He also told me that he thought it was "too early" to give up on our r/s. I agree, I would like this to work out & think it can...... What do ya'll think I should do to proceed? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 26, 2002 Share Posted August 26, 2002 your horse sounds like the only sure part of this whole equation! seriously though, give him space, and spend time with others in the meantime – if you guys are meant to be, it'll work out. Link to post Share on other sites
sissy Posted August 28, 2002 Share Posted August 28, 2002 If you guys haven't been seeing each other that long.... why all the drama? If this early in the relationship things are this difficult, what will they be in a year? The beginning is suppose to be the best.... You may want to take another step back and see if this is what you really need, or do you just want it to be? That is just my take................. sissy Link to post Share on other sites
Dragonflys Posted August 29, 2002 Share Posted August 29, 2002 Oh Dear You are setting yourself up for disaster here..seriously. You have basically sold yourself to him by telling him 'you are the man for me' and all that stuff, so he knows he can act like a wild rabbit with the attention span of a fish and you will be right there in tow wailing his name. I think you are certainly feeling codependant, and I won't judge you on that because I have been there and went through many of the same behaviours you are going through. You may have to learn the hard way because I know the gut-wrenching feelings you are going through and they make it very hard to see sense. But things won't work out if it goes on like this. You need to set terms for yourself about what you are willing to tolerate, and live by those. Make plans with him but don't wait on them and if he flakes out and forgets you, do the same. Surely you can see that if he continues to act like this you will be miserable as you are now (and just as madly in love as you are now - what a horrible combo), so you have to live by your terms and allow him the oppotunity to change a bit if he wants to be with you. If he doesn't, move on..in the mantime talk to others on the internet, among interest groups, whatever..there are so many great guys out there, and you can't even see them because all your energy is wasted on this rabbit with fins. Oliver Link to post Share on other sites
hotti_kinki Posted August 30, 2002 Share Posted August 30, 2002 Yes, I think you are EXACTLY right, Oliver. What exactly should I do? I try to get in the mind set to back off & let him do the calling, ect. but then after 2-3 days of not seeing him & just talking to him once a day, after I finally do see him, I just want to be with him MORE. For example..... This week, saw him sunday night, only talked to him once on mon, once on tues, saw him wed night & spent the night & then spent all day yesterday with him. Since I left on sun night, I've been thinking 'positive' (I do need to do my own things, not think about him too much, go out, not call him, ect) but, now today, I had such a good time with him yesterday, I want to spend MORE time with him tonight, tommarow, ect. I know that isn't possible because I know he won't call me or want me to come over until maybe sunday. (I KNOW THIS, this is how the pattern has been since I've known him) So, I'm sure, while I don't see him for the next few days, I'll be back in the mind-set that I can be without him & be happy, but then as soon as I see him again, it'll be back to the cycle..... Does any of that make ANY sense? I'm trying to put my feelings into words, but not sure if it's coming out right...... One more thing before I shut up.... Last night when we driving back to his place (He took me to meet his brothers last night) he asked me what was wrong. I told him that i had this 'gut feeling' that something was going on with him that he didn't want me to know about. He denied it. He told me that earlier that day (yesterday) when we were 'cuddling' that he just started to feel more for me. Now, at the beggining of our 'r/s' I told him I cared A LOT about him & he said he felt the same way. Yea RIGHT! Last night, he told me 'his feelings were progressing' for me. So, once again, he told me that his feelings are naturally progressing and that he's wanting to be around me more often. How long do you think I should 'put up' with all of this (i.e. mixed signals, his 'aloofness,' ect) to figure out if he REALLY does just need time? How long do you think is TOO long? Yes, I know, most of you will say it's been long enough, but if I give up now, I will always wonder....... Thank you in advance Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted August 30, 2002 Share Posted August 30, 2002 Within each of us lies a relationship distancer and pursuer. Relationships are a dance. You get close, then one wants to back up. While in this case, the guy is backing up, you don't want to feel abandoned, so you are pursuing him....which will in turn push him away more. I would suggest giving him space. Let him lead the dance. Just because he isn't on the phone with you, or in your presence, does NOT mean you aren't on his mind. Just let it go slow, follow his lead, or he might not wanna dance with you at all. And seeing as how you really care about him, if you don't take it as a rejection, you'll be fine...because it's NOT a rejection, he just needs to go slow. Link to post Share on other sites
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