How I got my 2nd chance

[Motoman23]

I've been reading these forums for the past months now and realize that there are not many 2nd chance success stories on them. Well, here is how I got mine.

 

Firstly, the background info... My gf broke up with me in the beginning of October of this year. We were dating for 3 years and 7 months. Both of us are 21 years old and are finishing our senior year in college.

 

In the beginning of October she came over to my place and sat me down. She told me that we needed a "break." I was shocked, I never saw it coming and was devistated. For the following two weeks after our break up conversation I begged, cried, told her I was sorry and have changed. This did not work. She kept telling me that she needed to be "single" because I lost her emotionally. After losing 10 pounds and starting to recover from the depression I found Loveshack.

 

I read tons of threads on the NC rule and threads on how to get your ex back. I also went and bought the book "How to get Your Lover Back" from Blake Harris and read it start to finish twice. This is when I started to go NC. I did not contact her in any way no email, text messages, phone calls, etc... This was because I needed to heal, gain back my self confidence, and find happiness again. I hung out with my friends as much as I could during this time and tried to make more, particularly girls. I needed to feel that I was attractive and would fall in love again. I found that flirting with girls did help, it gave me a glimmer of hope. I told myself that I needed to move on, she's lost more than I did, and that I was not going to INITIATE any contact. With time it did get easier and easier not to call or think about her. This lasted for a little over a month.

 

With a little over a month of NC I got a call from her. She wanted to see how I was doing and what was going on in my life. I did answer and we talked briefly. I told her that everything was going good and have been busy with school work. I was the one who ended the conversation, it only lasted about 5 minutes, and I never mentioned our relationship. Another week passed and I heard from her again. This time she invited me out to breakfast. I respectfully declined and told her that I already had plans. Later that week she invited me out at night and to a basketball game, but I again declined them all. This was because I didn't want to open any old wounds and I didn't know if I was really ready to see her. The next couple of days I get a texted message from her that I was sending her on an emotional roller coaster and that she didn't like it. This is where I took the advice from Blake Harris.

 

I really thought about what I wanted out of our relationship and decided that I wanted her in my life more than I wanted her comletley out of my life. I decided to bring her a surprise lunch and a note saying that I love her and wish her the best on finals and life in general. I feel that this was the turning point for us. It showed her that I still care for her and love her, but I'm not going to wait around, I was moving on. She thanked me and we didn't talk for a week after. I then get a text message from her saying that she absolutly misses me. I respond politely and find out that she still has romantic feelings for me. We both have told each other that we love one another and that we will give it another try. We are taking it VERY SLOW, went on three dates so far and have only kissed her twice on the lips. Today, we are talking almost every other day and I can definitly see improvement.

 

I posted this because I wanted to share my personal experience. I'm not saying this is what to do, but what worked for me. I tried to become the self-confident attractive person she originally fell in love with and it worked. Also, keep telling yourslef no matter what happens everything will be OK and it was ment to be. Good luck!

[CaliGuy]

Congrats. Remember though you are at the beginning of the second chance and you need to start from scratch. Date her like she is NEW.

 

The thing with your ex is she didn't have another guy waiting in the wings. That makes a second chance for many people difficult when a third party is involved. She left you still loving you. Many are dumped where their S/O isn't IN love with them anymore and only time would be able to change their feelings.

 

But, if they have found someone else they like better you can bark up the tree all you want, that squirrel ain't coming down.

 

Best of luck on your second chace.

 

PS: The book is by BLAISE Harris, BTW.

 

Cheers.

[horn4thor]

Yes, I second the purchase of that book. It has helped me focus on myself and my actions and reactions regarding various situations. <to others> Read it at least twice and then keep rereading it. At the very least it has helped me to keep our encounters pleasant. The last gf took it like a man, this time I'm taking it like a man. Crying, begging, pleading, making drastic promises to change, etc. really piss the ladies off.

 

Go ahead and cry when you're alone, I did, scream your lungs out if you have to, but do it when you're alone, plead with which ever god you choose to to get your lover back, but do not plead with your ex, and for goodness sake be a man in front of the woman you love. Do not suck up to her and act like a wuss. Do not call her all the time, do not frequent the places you know as her hangouts, do you want to look like a creep? Do not call her friends and tell your sob story to them, you've got your own friends right?

 

Funny how simply being strong and kind--not the kind of "buying her love back" kindness though--really helps the post break-up encounters go smoothly. Also, never think of the other guy (if there is one) as compitition, there is no contest here, I came to this conclusion even before the book. I figured I'd just look like an ass belittling the guy she chooses to be with and ultimately belittling her choices--a bad thing. Plus the guy is an alright guy, he was a good friend of mine for many years and I'd like to think I have good taste in friends. No woman is ever stollen from you, she made the choice to leave and did so long before she left. It only seems like its from out of the blue.

 

And there are no quick fixes or magic pills, if you get back together it will be a process that developes over time. For me it seems like it will be a very slow process, but I have hope, though no expectations. I've decided to take a break from dating, focusing on myself and my interests, when I'm ready to start dating again, I will, be it my ex or someone else. I love her and that is how things are at the moment.

[stanchain]

hello moto... well bro I am very happy for you... today is day 7 of NC and I do not see a will or way of it ever coming around the way your girl did.. So for you I am very happy. You have the first NC story I have read in which it actually turned around. I have basically given up all hope on htat end. I am just working towards feeling better personally.

[Guest]

Look, you know what? I'm happy for you too but..

I've noticed something. I've only been like two days of strict NC and just 5 days of no telephone contact.

And I've already starting to realise things. EVERYTHING depends on the situation one is on. I'm guessing your girlfriend fiid NOT start talking to other guys..

Mine did, and after being with my friends breaking isolation after a week, they just flat out told me: "Yo, your girld done did you wrong and you need to get over her. She is not a bad person, but starting talking to other guys while you still have contact with her?..Move on homeboy"

 

That's what I've been told. And judging from my friends who WOULD NEVER break my trust and who love me. I have to find and ackknowledge some truth to what they have told me.

So in sum, I love your story and it sounds like a ferrytale, BUT, I hate getting false hope...NC or no NC, if it was meant to be it will be. I've really understood that that is not a cliché.

And btw Im the guest that wrote "NC and the prospects of getting her back"

Gotta register soon...

[Motoman23]

CaliGuy:

 

You're absolutly right. I do need to treat this as a new relationship. I can tell we both have a lot of emotions to work out between us and it will best if we do it slowly. I think the hardest thing for me will be to trust her again. To see if I can be comfortable with her again. I know that I love her, but it will definitly be a while till we're somewhat a "normal" couple.

 

Guest:

 

Actually, you're wrong. My ex went out and met MANY guys when we were seperated. I know for a fact she hung out with/dated at least three DIFFERENT guys on our time apart along with a makeout session on each. I was hurt when I heard this, but I shouldn't of been, she was single... I don't know what it is with women, but I've noticed that everytime they break up with a significant other they always seem to "whore" themselves out. Sorry for the deragatory slang. So, you're situation is not unique that she's trying to meet other guys, mine did, and I'm sure most do.

[Island Girl]

Crying, begging, pleading, making drastic promises to change, etc. really piss the ladies off.

 

Go ahead and cry when you're alone, I did, scream your lungs out if you have to, but do it when you're alone, plead with which ever god you choose to to get your lover back, but do not plead with your ex, and for goodness sake be a man in front of the woman you love. Do not suck up to her and act like a wuss. Do not call her all the time, do not frequent the places you know as her hangouts, do you want to look like a creep? Do not call her friends and tell your sob story to them, you've got your own friends right?

 

 

I tell my brother and all of his friends this any time it comes up --- and ladies that goes for you too.

 

No guy wants a girls showing up at his house crying or calling begging over and over either.

 

It is unattractive behavior to anyone and the person you are grovelling to will completely lose respect for you. You are going to need that respect if you ever want to be in a relationship again so don't give it up.

[dr strangelove]

I think its really cute how the authors of these books sign up for the site to plug their books..

 

It would probably be better served by being able to ask them questions about the literature.

 

N.c. doesnt work all the time.. sometimes it works great

[sweetscarlet]

I tell my brother and all of his friends this any time it comes up --- and ladies that goes for you too.

 

No guy wants a girls showing up at his house crying or calling begging over and over either.

 

It is unattractive behavior to anyone and the person you are grovelling to will completely lose respect for you. You are going to need that respect if you ever want to be in a relationship again so don't give it up.

 

 

So, if you've done that already, can you gain their respect back?

[sweetscarlet]

With a little over a month of NC I got a call from her. She wanted to see how I was doing and what was going on in my life. I did answer and we talked briefly. I told her that everything was going good and have been busy with school work. I was the one who ended the conversation, it only lasted about 5 minutes, and I never mentioned our relationship. Another week passed and I heard from her again. This time she invited me out to breakfast. I respectfully declined and told her that I already had plans. Later that week she invited me out at night and to a basketball game, but I again declined them all. This was because I didn't want to open any old wounds and I didn't know if I was really ready to see her. The next couple of days I get a texted message from her that I was sending her on an emotional roller coaster and that she didn't like it. This is where I took the advice from Blake Harris.

 

 

Why does it always seem like the stories on here are about the women coming back around? Do men not come back around?

[Motoman23]

Sweetscarlet:

 

One of my good girlfriends was dumber by her bf of 2.5 years. They were seperated for 9 months until he finally came around. I think the strategy on getting an ex back really matters on if your female or male. I know in her situation, she was complelty indifferent to him and that sparked his interest again. What I've noticed is that if you want to get a guy to come around you don't give them the time of day and distance yourself from him, read the book "Why Men Marry Bitches: A Women's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart" by Sherry Argov. It explains that men love a challenge in sparking interest from a woman. Be a bitch to him, don't be friends, don't be physical, just cut him off and distance yourself. I can guarentee that if there was love in the relationship this strategy will definitly have him wondering on what you're doing.

 

Dr Strangelove:

 

I am no way affiliated with the authors or publishers of any book I've talked about. I heard from other members that its a good read, so I went out and bought it. For men wanting their girl back, ''How to Get Your Lover Back" is a good read, but if youre a woman wanting your man back I would say "Why Men Marry Bitches" is a better choice. Just a matter of opinion.

[dr strangelove]

Im not a woman or do I play one on TV.

Yes I have dressed up as one, on occasion for some cheap thrills.. or on a bet. I still dont think "how to be a bitch" would help me.. unless. well I would read to get insight into the other team.

 

--------------------------

bitches of the world unite

[CaliGuy]

So, if you've done that already, can you gain their respect back?

 

It's nearly impossible. The best thing you can do is go NC and start dating other people. They will only start to respect you, if at all, when they see you with someone else and realize "Hey, he/she isn't pining for me anymore. They must have got their act together."

 

Not a guarantee but if there's a way, that's the only one I can think of.

[boshemia]

Sadly... if you are still concerned with getting their respect back then you probably wont. I think the entire principal behind the no contact, no begging, no going to places where you might bump into her is based on getting YOUR self respect back.

 

Women are attracted to confident men, that's why we tend to end up with jerks so much. We fall for the self confidence first and don't realize it was all an act until we are in over our heads. At least I do... grin

 

I had a major problem with self respect when I was in high school... Nobody would stay with me for more than six months, many didn't make it six weeks. I was the drunk-dialing, begging, pleading, pseudo-stalker of your nightmares.

 

I don't have that problem so much anymore...

 

First rule: It has nothing to do with you. (huh??) They didn't dump you because you weren't smart enough, good-looking enough, rich, enough or poor enough... They dumped you because you + them didn't = love for them. Plain and simple. If was their issue, not yours...

 

Second Rule: Let them have their issues, but don't make them your issues as well. Don't try to lose weight, make more money, or get plastic surgery. That was their issue, let them have it...

 

Third rule: You are only responsible for your issues. If you were insanely jealous, work on it. If you have a violent temper, work on it. If you are a heavy drinker, work on it. You can't have a healthy relationship unless you are healthy.

 

Fourth Rule: It has everything to do with you. Now that you have put them aside, focus on you. Do whatever it takes for you to feel better about you. It's only a stupid mistake if you don't learn from it.

 

When someone breaks up with me I still hurt, I still cry, and I still miss them. There is nothing wrong with that. I just don't let it affect my self esteem any more than it has to. I write dozens of letter, but I don't send them. I imagine the phone calls but I never dial them. I still go out and do things, I just don't go anywhere where I might have to see them. I don't let is hurt me anymore than it has to...

 

All of that stuff, the calls, the letters, the seeing them in public is just a form of self-torture... it hurts you, makes them mad, and delays the healing process.

 

As for the original poster... Good for you, you maintained your self respect, evaluated the situation, and made a decision based not on desperation but on sound logic. You kept your self-respect.

[dr strangelove]

blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhh

[sweetscarlet]

Sweetscarlet:

 

One of my good girlfriends was dumber by her bf of 2.5 years. They were seperated for 9 months until he finally came around. I think the strategy on getting an ex back really matters on if your female or male. I know in her situation, she was complelty indifferent to him and that sparked his interest again. What I've noticed is that if you want to get a guy to come around you don't give them the time of day and distance yourself from him, read the book "Why Men Marry Bitches: A Women's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart" by Sherry Argov. It explains that men love a challenge in sparking interest from a woman. Be a bitch to him, don't be friends, don't be physical, just cut him off and distance yourself. I can guarentee that if there was love in the relationship this strategy will definitly have him wondering on what you're doing.

 

In my sitch, I said some pretty hurtful things after getting dumped. I've since been nice and apologetic but it's been ignored. Where would that leave me?

[sweetscarlet]

It's nearly impossible. The best thing you can do is go NC and start dating other people. They will only start to respect you, if at all, when they see you with someone else and realize "Hey, he/she isn't pining for me anymore. They must have got their act together."

 

Not a guarantee but if there's a way, that's the only one I can think of.

 

I'm not in a situation where they would seem me with other people though.

[vawarmspirit]

I've been reading this thread with interest. I am also reading Blaise Harris's book. But, what if you live with the person. Everything appears the same, but she had and affair and now she says that she's not head over heels in love with me. How can I win her back?

[resi71]

the NC did work for me first time.in august she breaks up with me and about 2-3 weeks i could not talk with her.was egnored.now on second time break up 5 weeks ago and NC 3 weeks.makes me grazy but hope for miracle,even on horoscop we are not good match but she is moust wonderful girl and i would not change her even for billijon bucks

[CaliGuy]

I'm not in a situation where they would seem me with other people though.

 

Just stick to NC and get out there and start dating others.

 

NC isn't meant to bring an ex back, it's meant as a tool to help you move on.

 

I've been reading this thread with interest. I am also reading Blaise Harris's book. But, what if you live with the person. Everything appears the same, but she had and affair and now she says that she's not head over heels in love with me. How can I win her back?

 

Better question. "Why would you want her back?"

 

She's already proven she doesn't love or respect you. Why on earth would you want to waste your time on someone who doesn't want to be with you? And you will never trust her and be insecure in the relationship.

 

Why not start fresh, with someone new, who will love you the way you want to be loved and not take you for granted or treat you like dirt?

[Motoman23]

Well it's been a little over two weeks now since we spoke about getting back together. At first, it was very rocky and there was a bunch of unsettled emotions, but now it's great. We both treat each other with respect and are falling back in love. We see each other daily and always have fun. It took some time before both of us were comfortable about talking about what went wrong with us. She told me her view and I told her mine. I must admit that I do feel different towards her now then I ever did in our previous 3.5 year relationship, and I'm loving it! I used to have uneasy feelings in my stomach when she was with another guy or went to the bar with friends without me, but now I don't. I know I love her, but I don't think I'm in love with her because of what happened. What I do know is that with time everything will work out for the best and I'm confident in each of our futures.

 

On a side note:

She's already proven she doesn't love or respect you. Why on earth would you want to waste your time on someone who doesn't want to be with you? And you will never trust her and be insecure in the relationship.

 

Why not start fresh, with someone new, who will love you the way you want to be loved and not take you for granted or treat you like dirt?

 

CaliGuy I couldn't disagree with you more. Many relationships are ended NOT on the basis that the other partner doesn't love or respect you. Sure, if there was physical abuse, cheating, etc... but that isn't the case most of the time. Falling in and out of love is 100% a natural thing. Many young relationships end because one person falls out of love and doesn't know what to do with their feelings so they "end" it.

 

I do agree starting fresh with someone new is healthy, but not always a permanent fix. First, you need to love yourself. Know that you are a great person and are one hell of a "catch" out there for anyone. When this happens things will fix themselves.

 

And also, just because you are dumped doesn't mean you were taken for granted and treated like dirt. I was dumped and I don't feel like I was taken for granted or treated like dirt. Ex's are humans too, remember that. People make mistakes and just because your ex ended it and you didn't want that doesn't mean you were treated like dirt. If a relationship ends there is reason. If someone cheated, there is a reason they cheated. What was lacking? What was wrong? I feel that if you can find the answer to that by looking back on the turn of events you will learn to be a better lover and even love your ex.

 

And one more thing. When my ex came back I also thought that I may never be able to trust her again, but I was wrong. The past two weeks have been great and I actually couldn't trust her more. Now, if something did happen to break my trust, it's comforting knowing that I wouldn't be nearly as hurt. I now feel that I have control. That if she cheats or leaves again that she's the one missing out on a great relationship, not me.

[Distracted]

Just make sure you make the time and effort at some point in the future to address what broke you up in the first place and don't get to caught up in the euphoria of being back together. At least in your own mind... Best wishes!

[Guest]

That's The Way To Go

 

U Know Sometimes We Grow More Thru Crisis

 

Not That U Want That All The Time But Since My Exgf Broke Up With Me I've Discovered More About Who She Is, What She's About Then When We Were Together

 

She's An Amazing Woman And There Is Nothing That Can Break The Bond We Have

 

Even If We Never See Each Other Again - Which Is Not Possible - Because We Are More Than Right And Marriage And All That Stuff Is In The Future

 

I Think Its Best To Talk About The Past Slowly And Focus, When Face To Face On The Future

 

Rediscover Each Other And Do The Things U Wanted To Do The First Time

[vawarmspirit]

Thank you Motoman. We actually started couples counseling yesterday (her idea). I know it is going to be rough. But I believe that we do have a genuine love connection. Through counseling I hope that we can make things better.

[myhotrod123456789]

Hey Motoman, I actually found this board because I searched for the book "how to get your lover back". I just read it recently and it seemed like an interesting approach. I would appreciate it if you could read my recent post and let me know what you think. I have been trying to find out if the approach in that book really works or no contact is the better way to go. Thanks!