Ack! Need advice.

[Joe]

Well two months after this girl, Anna, and I met I told her that I had feelings for her that went beyond friendship and thought about the possibilities of her and I being together.

 

She said that she too wanted that, but wanted to take things slow. Well, she said and did things that threw me off making it seem she didn't want more than friendship.

 

Well, I didn't have the guts to confront her so I shot off an e-mail to her. She didn't care about getting it by e-mail, but basically I explained that I was confused about things such as if she liked me more than a friend then why she said and did some of the stuff she did and the fact her and I never even gone out on a date in the period of two months.

 

I had asked her to attend a going away party with me at a local bar and grill and she said no because she didn't like parties. Well, this upset me because I knew she in fact liked parties since she goes to them quite often.

 

So anyways, her and I finally talked about it tonight. She was upset because I said what I did. I will admit that I did take a lot of what she said the wrong way.

 

Well anyways I basically told her that I just wanted to know what she wants. She says that she was diagnosed with something back in January that she doesn't think I could handle. I know it's not aid's, she admitted to having sex with previous boyfriends.

 

But she won't tell me saying I wouldn't be able to handle it and she doesn't trust me. She admitted to liking me and would like to be more than friendship, but says she doesn't want it to go much further because she says I deserve better.

 

I will admit, I love having her around and I love being with her and would love to have a serious relationship with her regardless of whatever it is that maybe wrong.

 

But now I fear she is going to let it stop us from becoming serious and I don't know what to say or do. What can I do?

[Tony T]

If she wanted to have some sort of relationship beyond friendship with you, she would...even if she was going to die tomorrow.

 

Don't put yourself through the torture of wondering where she's at....she has told you very clearly. And don't become an annoyance to her by asking her about this all the time.

 

Be her friend and go out and find somebody else to be romantic with.

 

Don't ever waste your time on women who clearly tell you they don't want to be more than a friend or on women who send screwed up or mixed messages. If a lady likes you in a special way, believe me she won't hide it.

 

And, by the way, the big consolation prize that a woman very often gives out when she rejects a guy is telling him "You deserve a lot better." She always RIGHT!!!

 

Take the wonder hint she has given you and back off!

[BeReal]

Tell her how you feel. Reassure her. Maybe she will tell you if she feels a little more secure. What made you think of AIDS? Do you think it's an STD? Cancer? Think about these things. Ask her point blank if it's such and such and maybe she'll tell you. BTW, how does knowing she has had sex with previous boyfriends mean she doesn't have aids? Having sex means she could have aids.

[Joe]

I'm just gonna play devil's advocate here for a moment, so don't take this the wrong way and I know it's probably a stubborn thing to say.

 

How can you be sure of the fact she doesn't want any other sort of relationship? Let me add this, and perhaps this may explain why. The reason being is she said at the time she was in a very serious relationship, in fact they had planned on marriage and everything and even he bought her a ring.

 

They've known each other for three years and dated, then when she was diagnosed with whatever it is she told him. The next day he up and left her because of it. She directly said to me that she is scared that if she tells me, that I will leave and that's why she wanted to take things slow. She said she is scared to become seriously fearing that she'll get hurt again.

 

She flat out told me she wants to be more, but is scared of losing me. So playing devils advocate here, don't take it the wrong way, whenever someone says something as she did to me why must that always mean they don't like you anymore than a friend? Why can't it be what they really said?

 

I mean she was in tears when she was telling me, I could seriously see how bad it was hurting her that she couldn't tell me and I can understand why she doesn't want to because of what happened when she told her ex that just up and left her.

 

I really do like her, I have been so happy with just everything since her and I met. I love spending time with her, she's fun to be with and she makes me happy. I really do care about her and don't want her to be scared, but I really don't know how to make her know and feel that I care about her enough to not worry about losing me.

 

She is the most honest person I know, I've never met anyone that tells it like it is like she does. From day 1 she has been honest with me about everything so when she tells me that she is scared of losing me I'm pretty sure that's she speaking from her heart.

 

What I get from the situation is she cares enough about me in that sense, being more than friends, to the point she is scared to lose me.

[Tony T]

I personally don't like to play games with people or with words. I take people for what they say, especially if they have clarified it.

 

In your case, I would back off. If she really wants more from you, she will approach you big time once you back off.

 

You just don't understand how it all works but one day you will.

 

You cannot allow yourself to be jerked around by people. There are so many other experiences to enjoy in life on a Sunday afternoon besides sitting around wondering what's in this girls head. To hell with her. If she wants to be in your life, let that happen, if she doesn't you don't need her.

 

But take your mind off off what she meant or didn't meant, what she wants or doesn't want, and smell the roses.

 

If it will help you, have one more talk with her just to try to understand why she is so confused. Then make some decisions from there.

 

But in any case, don't sit around screwing your mind up trying to figure this out. Just let it be and let it all happen the way nature intended.