the ex, trust...whos lying?

[Spoonandfork22]

it has just been a horrendous week or two. First time poster, large problem. hope someone out there can help, offer some insight, or someone whos been there let me know how they have dealt with something like this.

 

 

my bf and I have been together officially about four months. we were friends for over a year before then. he dated others as did i. like i said, were were only friends before it turned into a relationship (very random indeed but it has been worth it! with this problem being an exception of course). So previous to me he dated this little blonde who we all work with and she, to put it bluntly, gets around. that aside..they hooked up for about a year, on and off, never dated, just randomly would meet up some late nights and do whatever. him and i got together over the summer while they were fizzling out. he hooked up with her one last time which she told me about, but this was before we were official and nothing was even between us.

 

 

fast forward to now. i alwasy had a bad feeling about her. he told me they had stopped talking because after he had hooked up with her i just wasnt comfortable having my bf talking/hanging out w. someone who had lingering feelings and i just had a bad feeling about. he respected me enough to do that. unfortunately, that was a lie. i had to confront her last week, before XMas nonetheless, and she told me that he had been calling her and vice-versa and she admitted she still liked him in the beginning but didnt now. all this **** i didnt want to hear.

 

i felt completely betrayed. i felt a fool. i felt so out of the loop and i couldnt believe this guy would lie to my face and tell me he wasnt speaking with her when infact, it may have been more than i ever had thought.

 

i broke up with him that night. trust is huge to me and at that point, there was no relationship, just lies. i didnt know who was lying, who was telling the truth. it was horrifying. i adore him so it was just terrible.

 

he came to my door crying the rest of the week. called constantly, attempted to explain himself. said she blew it all out of proportion, that things were not at all like that and they truly were friends with nothing else there. typical things he said: if he wanted to be with her he would, hes with me for a reason, they arent together for a reason...etc, etc. he was mad i took her word over his, sad that i ended it so abruptly. but i explained about trust, and how he wrecked it.

 

about the 4th night he came over crying and i broke down as well. we talked for two hours, i decided i may have over-reacted a little, but by no means was he off the hook. i opted for a second chance, albeit a slow slow process.

 

well....its been hard, trusting him, believing him. but its gotten easier. the other night i spoke wtih a mutual frined of ours who asked us how we were. when i told him about the situation his jaw dropped. apparently this girl had done the same to him when he started dating his now-gf. said she had made mountains out of mole-hills and completely tried to tear him and his gf apart.....he said he had to tell her to get out of his life and spend countless nights with his gf to get things back to normal, trying to make things better.

 

 

well......i dont know where to go from here. a part of me wants to believe hes not out to hurt me, and that hes a dumb male and that he made a mistake and knows he messed up. another doesnt want to open my heart to hurt and wonders if he still harbors feelings for this girl, regardless if he tells me over and over theres nothing there, theyve been friends for so long.

 

 

any advice? and please spare me the 'sounds like a jerk who doesnt respect you' deal. hes a wonderful guy and this is why this is hard for me to swallow. when you think yo know someone and all of a sudden BOOM they may have been not the person you at all thought they were. i spend every day with him, call him every day, hes my best friend.

 

i just want to let this go and move on.....but i cant help obsessing over it. HELP!!!

[Cinnesyn]

I'm sorry to say but it sounds like this girl is TROUBLE. I'd apologise to your boyfriend but ask him if he would please have NC with this girl. That would help a lot with your trust issues. If he refuses, then perhaps he isn't being 100% truthful with you.

 

A lot of people think it's OK to be friends with people of the opposite sex and I do too until one of the partners in a relationship isn't comfortable with it. If the other partner continues the relationship, to me that shows a lack of respect and he needs to be kicked to the curb.

[IpAncA]

Did you even ask him about this or did you just take this girls word for it? I sure hope not.

 

I'm not sure who is lying but it's possible that this girl might have wanted to break you both up for kicks.

 

I think that you should listen to what he has to say and then go from there. If you can't trust him then you shouldn't be with him but if you can then ask him for N/C with this girl.

[Spoonandfork22]

oh yea i have asked him about it many times since this has occured. i trusted him 120% before this. she is known to be that girl who messes with guys heads and my bf should know this by now, after doing whateer him and her were doing for so long and falling for her bs for so long. i am frinds with my ex boyfriends as long as we both are fully aware there is nothing there and for all but one of my ex's, there is nothing left. this does not mean we hang out and talk all the time, maybe once a month. but this girl = bad news. i know my bf fell into her trap and i think thats what im upset about, that he let her do this to him without even thinking of the consequences he would have with me.

 

 

however...i dont think i can tell a person who to talk to and who not to talk to. i feel that would be controlling someone and that if he really wanted to he would just go behind my back. he knows where i stand on this issue and he knows what he risks losing.....right now its just hoping hes respecting my feelings and doing what is right for the both of us and our relationship.

 

the girl is a FRIEND of mine which makes it harder. weve only been friends through work but weve hung out many times and i feel like she also betrayed me. we are fine now and i am struggling to put this behind me, but i still wonder....is she calling him randomly? is she telling him she misses him? is he falling for her crap AGAIN?

 

 

its hard. its a real hard situation.

[IpAncA]

the girl is a FRIEND of mine which makes it harder. weve only been friends through work but weve hung out many times and i feel like she also betrayed me. we are fine now and i am struggling to put this behind me, but i still wonder....is she calling him randomly? is she telling him she misses him? is he falling for her crap AGAIN?

 

 

its hard. its a real hard situation.

 

If you trust him then you trust him enough to believe him over this girl don't you think?

 

Yeah it is a hard situation to be in but you have to remember that your dating your friends ex bf and anything is possible.

 

I have no idea whether or not he is calling her unless you were to see the phone records. Seems like she would show you on her phone that he called as proof but if she didn't then your just going on assumptions. If you REALLY want to know for sure then ask your friend to prove it. If someone said that my H was contacting them or whatnot I would ask to prove it. If they couldn't then I wouldn't believe them.

 

I don't know why but I seem to believe your bf and not your friend because I've seen this crap before where you get the jealous ex who can't stand the idea of one of her friends dating her ex bf. But then again maybe he's the one thats lying.

 

But hey I maybe wrong but if you do end up getting back together then I do think that this is one boundry that needs to be set with N/C with her. Trust me it's not controling. She's an ex and should remain that.

[Guest]

Some confusion-so she said they were calling eachother-but what did HE say about that?

 

Did he admit they were calling eachother?

Did he downplay it ?

Or did he just just say it never happened and she was flat out lying?

 

Personally, I would want proof from her if she said that and he completely denied it....

 

But if they were talking on the phone once in awhile and you just found out now and he admitted it only now, then that is a different story.

 

That part is a bit unclear to me.....

[Cheese]

i Had a similar situation with my BF ex who didnt want to accept things were over. Still thought they could be "best friends" " there for each other" blah blah blah. (Yes Im angry because girls should have more respect for each other than that) There are 2 things here - one is she is definitely stirring crap because she's jealous and wants to leave you feeling like crap where up to now things were going great for you both. 2nd - and I hate to say it - but in my experience, men get a power trip from this. He's prob enjoying getting the extra attention from her. His ego is boosted. Just be careful. Cos men don't know the fine line between getting a boost and breaking trust with their current GF. They don't consider the same things to be a breach of trust as we do - so maybe just sit down and talk it through. His ex sounds like a girl that carries a chip on her shoulder for all her exes, that she feels the need to interfere in their future happiness. But we can't assume that men are completely clueless either. The way I look at it is, if it wasnt a big secret they are talking to their ex why do they hide it? Is it because they know our reaction and want a quiet life at home? Or is it because they secretlenjoy the thrill of illicit phone calls to another woman behind their girlfriends back? If its the 1st I understand - men hate a fight. They run from confrontation. If its the 2nd, its his character flaw and hard work to fill that need.

 

He sounds like a good kind of guy - try to trust him - when trust is broken you have a choice. 1. Think of how good he has made you feel in the past and realise that you have no power over what he does to you in the future - just hope he knows better now. 2.Or break it off and start fresh with someone else- you'll always wonder though what if.

 

best of luck

 

PS: I took choice number 1 - its tough, but nothing great was ever easy.

[Trialbyfire]

he respected me enough to do that. unfortunately, that was a lie.

This is a red flag. You asked and he outright disregarded you. Be very careful of someone who will do this. Once they start lying to you, sometimes they can't stop especially when they're covering things up, backtracking to cover their derrieres. Take this advice with a grain of salt as I'm going through a cheating situation myself, therefore might be applying my experiences to yours. Different people, different reactions.

 

Having said all that, you have to do what feels right for you, whether it's try again and make it work, try again and have it fail, or just walk away. If you try again, make sure your bf understands that you will go through a whole gamut of roller coaster emotions, loving him one second, hating him the next, back and forth, back and forth. He also has to be prepared to take the heat of this and be nothing but consistent through-out your healing process. If he lashes out at you just once, everything you've worked for will roll back to that first moment you found out. If he's the kind of guy who can do this, then he's the one for you.

[Spoonandfork22]

im trying to be on good terms with her because we do all work together and theres no way i can avoid her completely. however...i cant help but think, is she going behind my back? does she think im an idiot becuase im giving my bf a chance? is she still meddling and trying?

 

i think all us girls know what other girls are capable of.

 

 

maybe its not so much what he might do, but how far she could take all this crap. like someone posted earlier...girls really should respect other girls, and it bothers me insanely when people cross the line and dont just accept what is happening and leave it be.

[Trialbyfire]

It's rarely a one way street. Most times the guy is as much to blame for leading her on.