Coming to terms with my girlfriend's past

[kisstheboot]

I have been with my girlfriend for two months. I couldn't be happier with her; we have such a good time together and I care about her deeply. Unfortunately I have been having problems with jealousy, and I am terrified that one day I will lose control, and say or do something that could wreck our relationship.

 

My girlfriend's past sexual experiences have been many. A lot of guys she's slept with she still sees as friends. I know that she loves me and would never betray me, but sometimes it's incredibly hard when I see her talking (just talking, mind, not flirting) with boys I know she's had sex with.

 

For example, she has a male best friend with whom she shares a house (along with a few other guys, so it's not just her and him). She and him have been best friends for a year or so now, and one drunken night out early in our relationship she told me that she'd slept with this guy ages ago when they first met. Now I believe her completely when she says that nothing will ever happen between them again, and in any case he's got a girlfriend of his own with whom he's been going out for nine months! But whenever I see him and my girlfriend talking to each other I start thinking about them having sex and become consumed by jealousy and rage. It takes great mental effort on my part to control myself.

 

I am grateful to my girlfriend for being honest with me about her sexual past, and the last thing I want is for her to feel as though she can't talk to me. However, it has got to the stage where I get jealous if she so much as mentions one of her past lovers in idle conversation. I have to withdraw into myself to try and control my jealousy, which upsets her because she thinks she's driving me away.

 

I know my jealousy is irrational. And hypocritical - I haven't exactly been a saint myself, I was in a casual relationship for the good part of a year before meeting my current girlfriend. But when my jealousy is triggered, it's as if I enter into another state of mind totally, in which reason and rationality both fly out the window. I keep thinking about her having sex with all these guys, and it gets so bad that sometimes I can't sleep at nights.

 

I have tried talking about it with my girlfriend, and she has been very understanding. However I find it very difficult to communicate just how all-consuming and powerful my jealousy can become. It is very easy to say "just think about something else"- believe me, I have tried, but it's not that easy. I need some other coping technique, before it gets out of hand.

 

I love my girlfriend very much. The last thing I want is a "Chasing Amy" situation, in which I drive her away simply because I can't control the irrational part of my brain.

 

Does my situation relate to anyone else?

[IpAncA]

If it makes you uncomfortable with her talking to her ex's then ask her to stop. There ex's and they should remain that IMO.

 

Also you do need to get over her past. It's the past but I can see how you are reminded of it when she hangs out with them. It would bother me too.

 

Talk to her about this and she where it goes.

[reservoirdog1]

To put it simply, you HAVE to get over this if you want to be with her. You shouldn't ask her about it or bring it up in any way.

 

While I'm generally an advocate of couples being open enough with each other to talk about things that are bothering them, this is an exception. No good can come of you asking her about the choices she made before she even met you (except where they directly impact your life or health). You will not feel better by getting answers, and she'll feel worse for having given them.

 

Finally, look at it another way: you have no right to be "hurt" by her life pre-you, or to hold it over her head. The choices she made before she entered into a relationship with you were HER CHOICES, and she owes you neither an explanation nor an apology for them.

 

She has a right to have friends, even friends she's slept with. You have a right to not be with her if you can't deal with that.

[alex434]

To put it simply, you HAVE to get over this if you want to be with her. You shouldn't ask her about it or bring it up in any way.

 

While I'm generally an advocate of couples being open enough with each other to talk about things that are bothering them, this is an exception. No good can come of you asking her about the choices she made before she even met you (except where they directly impact your life or health). You will not feel better by getting answers, and she'll feel worse for having given them.

 

Finally, look at it another way: you have no right to be "hurt" by her life pre-you, or to hold it over her head. The choices she made before she entered into a relationship with you were HER CHOICES, and she owes you neither an explanation nor an apology for them.

 

She has a right to have friends, even friends she's slept with. You have a right to not be with her if you can't deal with that.

 

They are no longer your friend when you sleep with them, they become your partner. Theres no need to be friends with someone you slept with, if they are in the past, then let them be in the past and if she cared enough about you as you do for her, she would pick you over her PAST partners. Also, obviously she saw them more than friendly if she um... Slept with them?