Am I really going insane? part 2

[guestwho]

So that whole lengthy thread was leading up to…

 

I was sexually abused as a child, off and on from about ages four to twelve. I never really thought about it much as a factor in my life. It happened, I had some difficulties in High School because no wasn’t in my vocabulary. Not because I wanted to but because I really didn’t feel like I had a choice.

 

And though I joke about my former marriage it really was hell. He had me convinced that I was flat insane and now I’m thinking that maybe some of * my * issues may have been * his * issues as well. Not all, but some…

 

We got divorced, I got raped, and I got remarried within a few months. Way to start a new life of non victimhood. Yes I said I was raped, that’s exactly how I handled it… it happened, lets just not make a big deal out of it and move on.

 

Now here I am 5 years later hanging on by a thread. When they guy raped me I really did think it was all my fault… that’s kind of a pattern with me. Then he raped a friend of mine, she was still in high school… and yes I felt responsible, but it was more. I still don’t remember much about my abuse, I remember it, but I have this nifty little shut down mechanism so when something gets to uncomfortable I just go numb. Suddenly the girl who felt nothing is feeling EVERYTHING. I mean all of it.

 

We reported the rapes, and encouraged others to come forward. However our little small town is not only homophobic, they still think that rape is the girls problem… go figure. The sum total of the investigation was walking up to the guy saying hey, have you raped anybody recently? No, oh well, we’ll just file these reports then. So when he started stalking us they kind of went ahhh… what can we do about it? There is no case, so you aren’t protected as witnesses or anything. Just don’t go anywhere alone…

 

So I didn’t… I couldn’t leave my house for nine months without a chaperone. He would race me down the street, laugh at me as I beat on doors begging for help, and he knew they wouldn’t touch him. One girl left town, and I tried but I am now totally disabled.

 

Seems I now have a little case of PTSD and or fibromyalgia. I feel pain, but not the kind therapy promised. Emotionally I am numb part of the time but then I go through phases where it ALL comes back.

 

All of my jokes aside… My ex didn’t just abuse me, sometimes he flat tortured me. Doing things right in front of me and then saying it wasn’t what I thought. Not even trying to hide it and then acting like it was my problem I couldn’t handle it. Like there was something wrong with me… and now this and I’m wondering if I really did step off the train to reality somewhere back there.

 

I went three and a half years in total denial about the rape and now I cant go three minutes without it being right there in front of me.

 

My new husband, yeah he has problems too… at this point I’m so damned tired of being a victim. I’m DONE! So when he started drinking I said I don’t like it… when he started raging I said NO! Either you control yourself or I will call someone to have you escorted off the property. He didn’t touch me, he kicked in the door but I made good on my word. He was arrested for DV. Then he spanked my son, the kind of thing that was normal when we were kids, but he left bruises… and I turned him in again… My husband quit drinking that night… he enrolled in counseling. He is doing very well, we have been dating for seven months now and the improvements are not only sticking but he really has changed.

 

Now, I’m on my own… my kids and I are trying to rebuild a life free of fear, free of all of that crap.

 

The problem is so have I… I went from being a passive victim to a control freak when it comes to my body, my life, my thoughts, and my opinions. I need to have them, I need to be in control right now… All it takes is a news story about a pedophile and I’m not sleeping again, crying all the time. This is supposed to be healing… I was doing better when I WASN’T dealing with it…

 

Suddenly the only part of sex that is on my mind is the bad part. I don’t want him touching me sexually… romantically is fine. Kissing me, hugging me, holding me… but he is one of those high testosterone men who needs sex. Him touching me makes me feel really dirty… These are all things I was supposed to be over by now aren’t they?

 

I’m supposed to be getting HELP right now… not making it worse.

 

On top of that catching my daughter doing what everyone does really threw me for a loop too… we’ve always been open. It’s not like I didn’t suspect it, I just didn’t expect to see it… and that makes me feel dirty in a different way. Like I need to be a nun or something because my daughter is sexually maturing, how dare I even think about having urges… I need to be a role model.

 

Trying to keep it together in front of my clueless husband, my innocent kids, my maturing oldest, and making sure that everyone elses life is as stable as possible… and then at night I finally just fall apart. I’m alone and I just feel everything all at once.

 

Today I sat down and explained ALL of this to my husband… everything I’ve said here and he got confused, (can you blame him) he got defensive, and then he just went blank…

 

I finally said… for now… no sex, nothing sexual… I’m tired of my life revolving around sex. I want you to look into my eyes, and stop staring at my boobs for awhile. Hug me without groping… That he finally got.

 

I’m afraid to move back in with him, I’m not ready. I’m getting a lot of pressure from outside influences and financial situations but I just need to know not just that we will be physically safe but emotionally as well.

 

I need to be loved, really truly loved for the first time in my life. I want to know what that feels like… not for what’s between my legs but for my heart, for my mind… and for just being me.

 

Is that healing? Is all of this emotional upheaval supposed to be part of it? Is all of that turmoil just for the moment of whoa… I deserve better?

 

Long question… but I didn’t know how else to put it…

[Functional]

Wow... you are living a horrible nightmare that shouldn't be happening. Although you didn't ask for or deserve the abuse, the rape or this terrible life, you do have options. Deciding which ones to take and how to take them will be your greatest challenge.

 

First of all you need to get away from the man currently involved with. Not because he is a bad man, but because you will never be happy with any man until you get things straight in your head.

 

You need time to absorb, take everything that has happened to you and make some sense out of it, so you can begin the process of healing. As you start to heal you will have to explore several major areas of your life: your background; your vision of self; your environment; your goals; your career plans; your educational plan; your acedemic and career skills; your leadership endeavors; your finances. What gives your life meaning; and your growth and development as as a person.

 

You will have to reflect upon your life to gather information about your past, present and future and then writing down those reflections. Create A Life Vision portfolio. A life vision will:

 

Increase your understanding of who you are, what you value, what you want, and how you are going to get there.

 

Improve your ability to honestly look at yourself.

 

Uncover major issues that need to be addressed through comprehensive self-discovery.

 

If you would like to know where and how to get started let me know. Hope this helps

[CardPlay3r]

From what I've read on this subject in another forum and stuff, it seems you can't repress the memories forever as you know now...And once you can't repress them anymore, all those emotions and conflicts are there perhaps worse than if you hadn't repressed them in the first place...

 

So in one word yes, you must go through all those emotions before healing...but to get past them you need specialized rape counseling, from what I've heard it's free in the us....since your small town doesn't seem to have that you can do it over the phone

 

Congratulations on your attitude btw, making your own choices and not being pressured bye anyone is the way to go

 

I think I remember who you are, although not the username you posted under previously...

[blind_otter]

You do need guidance during this time -- I would recommend counseling as well.

[Guestwho]

I wasn't able to get back and check replies for awhile, but I must have been connected. I did exactly what you recommended, and told my current husband that it was time for him to do the same. He didn't understand at first and nearly broke down totally, but when he calmed down again I explained it again and he felt better.

 

I'm very unsure of relationships right now, and sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. At the same time I am detecting a peace in the back of my mind, a real true peace that is just there waiting, and even growing. I saw one of the other victims last night and talked to her for ten minutes before she walked away. I didn't even think about it, not the rape, none of the uncomfortable stuff, and not him. I just had a pleasant conversation with her and after she walked off it hit me... I hadn't even thought about it.

 

So I guess I can see that path in front of me... I can see that I will crash now and then, but there will be times like this too... more and more as time goes on. Times when I can finally see life through the eyes of something besides a victim.

 

Sometimes... I actually feel healthy for the first time in my life...

 

It's nice to have a place like this to let all of that craziness out... Thank you and I do still post here, it was not my intention to mislead anyone here... I just didn't want this thread linked to me "real" identity here, google indexes these threads quite nicely. *smile* I know I've looked... and some craziness needs to remain outside of prying eyes lol...