SueBee3490 Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 I've been thinking about this for some time now. It will be 4 years in Jan '07 since my DDay. As anyone here who's been cheated on knows, that rollercoaster of emotions over the years really takes it's toll on you mentally. I've went through the shock, denial, crying, feelings of very very low self-esteem, feelings of I can't live without him to feelings of I can't live with him, etc. etc. So now to what I feel isn't really forgiveness but acceptance. I feel a sort of inner peace now that I know I'm leaving this relationship in the spring. But I think it's just the acceptance of what he's done, not really that I've forgiven him, and the fact that I am looking to my future and a brighter tomorrow. I guess why I wonder is that I feel so much better and maybe with the acceptance did come a sort of forgiveness. It's been over 3 yrs of dwelling on this crap day after day and the thought of happier days ahead makes me feel so elated. This sounds so stupid but could it be I don't know that I've forgiven him? Does anyone else feel this way? Thanks for listening Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 I don't know if you've forgiven him but it sounds as though you do accept what happened. It's total progress for you. Realizing we can't change the past and moving forward is much better than being stuck in thoughts that no matter how much we think about them aren't ever going to change the events. As much as we might wish it would. I am happy to hear that you have finally gotten a healthy perspective on all that you've been through. It is so much better for your own personal well-being than going through the mental torment of dwelling on something that you had absolutely no control of. It's nice to know that the one thing you can control here, your thoughts, is being handled extremely well by you. Link to post Share on other sites
Grrlish Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 SueBee: I'm a BIG, big believer in learning the art/skill/ability of Acceptance. It is the only way to achieve peace of mind in challenging times. It can be difficult to learn to truly look at things and accept that they 'are'. The 'trick', in my opinion, is that sometimes Acceptance can be achieved by thinking of things as a snapshot. Anyway... Only you know if you're on the verge of Forgiveness. Perhaps Accepting the way things are will allow you to make a firm decision about whether or not to Forgive him. Perhaps with the emotional release that Acceptance has given you, you will attain even more peace with your decision. Or perhaps other things will flood in where the turmoil has been removed. I'm always happy when I hear that someone has attained some peace. Happy New Year to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SueBee3490 Posted December 31, 2006 Author Share Posted December 31, 2006 Thanks Amasyn & Grrlish, You know my heart just breaks for all the posters on here who write that they just found out yesterday, or last week, or last month that the person they loved was cheating on them. I see in their writing the excruciating pain in the discovery and I so wish I could take away the years of pain they will feel, the same as I've had to live through in order to get to the end. I see the people asking for help with their broken hearts and many ask over and over again "when will the pain stop?" I know they have a tough road ahead. We all know it's not easy because of the love we feel for the person that betrayed us. When I found out almost 4 yrs ago, I would have never guessed that this many years later, I feel ok with my decision to go on by myself without him. I think you hit it on the head amaysyn, in that I feel in control now. You know when all this hit the fan, I really didn't think I could go on. I was so distraught and depressed and on antidepressants. I really think my kids are the only thing that kept me going or if I didn't have them, I just very well may have committed suicide. I knew I couldn't do that though with children - I wouldn't put them through that. But when cheating happens to you, you feel so helpless and as though you have no way of controlling what happens in your own life. I knew I loved him with all my heart and found out that even though I had my values and what I would and wouldn't do in a relationship - his, quite obviously, were different. Now to think that I was ever so down over him that I would even consider taking my own life - wtf was I stupid! He's not worth it! At this point - he's not even worth the pain of a hangnail! You're right grrlish - I think the acceptance of what's happened has lessened the turmoil in me and maybe I can forgive him in the future. I don't know. I Both of you have a Very Happy New Year. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 I think I can relate to what you're talking about. D-Day for me was August of 2003. Serial cheating XW and I split a few months later, in November. After we split, I was on-and-off pissed at her for two and a half years. I had a lot of ups and downs. Often, I was obsessively angry at her and could barely even look at her those times I had to see her (I have two kids). About eight months ago, something changed... and I haven't been pissed off at her over the past since then. Whenever the past crosses my mind, my internal reaction is "ah, who cares... it was a long time ago." And I actually mean it. That's acceptance. But I don't know if that's the same as forgiveness. For instance, I've never told XW that I forgive her, and I don't really see a reason to -- after all, everybody says that forgiveness is for us, not for them, as a means of making peace with the past and letting it go. However, I feel like I've already done that. Maybe that's forgiveness by default? Don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 I found a little part of the string hanging out in October, pulled it gently and opened Pandora's Box. It got brutal by November. I'm still addressing hopefully the tail end of it right now. No one can understand the tidal wave after tidal wave of emotions cheating can illicit. Best wishes to all of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SueBee3490 Posted January 1, 2007 Author Share Posted January 1, 2007 About eight months ago, something changed... and I haven't been pissed off at her over the past since then. Whenever the past crosses my mind, my internal reaction is "ah, who cares... it was a long time ago." And I actually mean it. That's acceptance. But I don't know if that's the same as forgiveness. For instance, I've never told XW that I forgive her, and I don't really see a reason to -- after all, everybody says that forgiveness is for us, not for them, as a means of making peace with the past and letting it go. However, I feel like I've already done that. Maybe that's forgiveness by default? Don't know. You're right reservoirdog - this is what I mean that feeling of acceptance. An example is that my H goes back to his homestate and visits periodically. He may be gone 3-4 days visiting, hunting with brothers, etc. I used to be like a basketcase. I was sure he was cheating. Whenever I'd talk to him on the phone I would cry and accuse and cry more. Then I'd lay and cry all night in bed. I just knew he was meeting someone there. Now he left on Friday and I've talked to him once and really don't really care what he's doing. I'm sure I still care to a degree if he was cheating because we are still married, but not to the point of having the crying fits I'd have before. I actually feel so at ease when he is gone - like the weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders. I've also never told him that I forgive him. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt like alot of others that if I tell him I forgive him, to me it would be like saying "what you did to me is ok" and then giving him an open invitation to go and cheat on me some more. I know this isn't what forgiveness should do but that's what I felt. So maybe now with this inner peace will come that feeling of forgiveness. Also like you Reservoirdog, I'm wondering if I didn't forgive by default? That's what I meant by maybe I have forgiven and not really knew it. Also maybe we have forgiven the "situation" or even forgiven ourselves - not the cheater. Maybe that's the calmness we feel. I know I beat myself up over the feeling of "how could I not know he was cheating?" or "what's wrong with me that he would cheat on me?" so maybe I've forgiven myself in that I've come to accept that it was beyond my control. He chose to cheat - it's his problem not mine. Nobody held a gun to his head and made him cheat - if he felt anything was wrong in the relationship, he could have come to me and discussed it with me. But he didn't. He took the coward's way out. But maybe this elated feeling I have now is that I have forgiven myself - not him. My self-esteem went in the toilet when I found out he was cheating but I've come to take friends' advice in that I'm worth more than this. Maybe I now know that I am worth it. Just a thought Trailbyfire - if you just found out in October - my heart goes out to you. It's such a rollercoaster of emotions when you find out someone is cheating on you. Hang in there - it will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Now he left on Friday and I've talked to him once and really don't really care what he's doing. I've also never told him that I forgive him. I couldn't bring myself to do it... maybe now with this inner peace will come that feeling of forgiveness. You may have reached that blessed state known as "indifference." The opposite of love is not hate. It's indiference. As for the forgiveness part, until you've forgiven someone who's wronged you, you're forever tied to them emotionally and you're permitting them power and control over your emotions they don't deserve. Once you've forgiven them they essentially cease to matter. They don't ever have to know they've been forgiven because you do it for you, not for them. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 You may have reached that blessed state known as "indifference." The opposite of love is not hate. It's indiference. As for the forgiveness part, until you've forgiven someone who's wronged you, you're forever tied to them emotionally and you're permitting them power and control over your emotions they don't deserve. Once you've forgiven them they essentially cease to matter. They don't ever have to know they've been forgiven because you do it for you, not for them. That all makes sense -- you said "once you've forgiven them they essentially cease to matter." That's how I feel towards WXW -- she doesn't matter. I'm indifferent, couldn't care one way or another. Is my indifference the same as forgiveness? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Not quite but if it works for you then don't question it. Just go with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 does a betrayed partner really ever totally forgive their cheater if they decide to stay with them? My opinion....no. I think just like you said...its more acceptance. I am still with my wife, but I don't think I ever really forgave her for what she did, and don't think I ever will. I think I just accepted what happened an moved on because I love my kids and want to be with them. Now when I say accepted it, it doesn't mean I excuse her behavior in any way. What she did is always in my mind and the visions of what she did will never go away. But I couldn't bear to get a divorce and not see my kids every day...so I just deal with it. I don't know...maybe when my kids are off to college in 16 years I'll tell her its over. Link to post Share on other sites
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