marlena Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 Hello everybody, I am new to this and need some advise. Just found out a week ago that the man I had been dating for three months and who told me he was divorced officially is not at all divorced but what he call "separated" for the last six years. When asked if he he has filed for a divorce the answer was negative due according to him to property issues.. He also told he's been married twice and that his daughter doesn't want to see or speak to him. And just to make me feel worse he said he had a bad reputation in the city we live ...squandeed money, had mistresses and god knows what else. I got so paranoid that I even asked him if he had a criminal record. And this was a person I admired and respected and loved.. How duped can you get... How stupid can you be especially at my age (early fifities).I gave him his walking papers and have been crying since...hurt,frustration,anger .. all those you know "wonderful" emotions. He even had the nerve to tell me that if I loved him I would stick around and show some understanding thereby playing on my guilt. I had n A with a MM a few years back that nearly killed me ...I know it a hellish path to tread and so that's why I walked away.... Did I do the right thing? Could this man still be very married and not separated at all? Should I have stuck around? How do I stick with this NC thing. He told me not to contact him again through phones or texting only emails and only if I am polite and do not cause an emotional hurdle in him... I need to mention that his behavior was always really wierd...tense and nervous all the time..and taking tranquilizers whenever he felt this way.... He also concocted elaborate lies about other things...problem is I still want him though my head says RUNNNNNNNNNNN. Any input or support would be greatly appreciated as I feel very depressed . Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 Kudos to you... you did the right thing (imho) Separated is still 'very married' and he's been lying to you... that's no way to start a relationship. Don't beat yourself up... we all make mistakes because we're always still learning... even in our fifties As for him telling you not to contact him unless you're "polite and do not cause an emotional hurdle to him" ... oh my gawd... he's got quite a nerve hasn't he..? Well done you in walking away from him... New Year New Start..? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 He's a proven liar and a good one at best. Get out and forget him. He isn't worthy of your time, energy or thoughts. His loss. Look at this way, once you get over the hurt and pain of what he did to you, you will feel better and not want a lying man in your life. He knew exactly what he was doing so he could get what he wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 I don't see any mistakes you made? I were getting to know someone and trusted them. Is that what you call a mistake? Well don't . The important thing is when you found out the truth you did something about it. Good for you. I'm sorry for your pain. I hate liars, especially those who try to turn the tables as he did ...if you love him you'll stay....HA! He only wishes you were that stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted December 31, 2006 Author Share Posted December 31, 2006 Honestly my deepest thanks to you for replying immediately. Yes, I know I did the right thing for I have fried in that purgatory and never want to be there again. My advice no my plea to all women in this situation is to turn a deaf ear and their heart into stone...I know its hard... but may that find that strength somehow ..from somewhere ..before they lose their intergrity and sanity altogether ...A heartfelt wish to you that you really have a wonderfully unforgettable 2007 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted December 31, 2006 Author Share Posted December 31, 2006 Thanks butafly..for reinforcing of course what I already know deep in my heart .. I too abhor liars and con men ...for that is what he was.. a con man.. I only wonder if there is some flaw in me that causes them to flock around me.... I was married 15 years to a liar and a cheat who broke my and my daughter's heart... You sound very nice and I wish you from deep inside a very Happy New Year Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted December 31, 2006 Author Share Posted December 31, 2006 I just saw that though I am online it says I am invisible... Can you tell what I am doing wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 Man, what a jerk...I know how you feel, being late 40's, just can't handle the drama.... There are a lot of really insightful people in this forum, that see the minds of these users and can communicate the truth in such a way that OMG I am still learning the exact nature of these cakemen. I'm just getting a clue here...although it was interesting, this guy at work that came to help out from Florida, it was the transition from NASA to USA ...so he was basically representing the customer....well one of the inspecters told me he was checking out me and my friend....well he started talking to me and straight up asked him, "are you married"....he said he was separated.....ya, I found out he was separated by distance.....I was so mad.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted December 31, 2006 Author Share Posted December 31, 2006 Thanks pureinheart...and yes it is very tough when you are in your early fifiteis actually and feeling washed up already...even tho people say you look great and younger ..and yes the drama is too much...like ii SAID i'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE nd never ever want to be there again ...so what is the situation with dating separated men ...is there really such an animal??? Is it a definite no no????????? Or is it Ok when they have alreaady started proceedings? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 I just saw that though I am online it says I am invisible... Can you tell what I am doing wrong? Go to my profile and change your settings. Right now it seems it's set to being invisible mode. There's an option for you to change it in your profile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted December 31, 2006 Author Share Posted December 31, 2006 Thanks for the tip! I'm no longer invisible!!!! Have a Happy New Year! Link to post Share on other sites
kymberann Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 You so did the right thing! Don't even doubt that! You made your self #1 and that shows strenght and empowerment. You don't need that crap. You did it! I gave him his walking papers and have been crying since...hurt,frustration,anger .. Good on you! It only took you once before to realize this is not the path you want to take. You could have easily succumbed to this man, but you rose above it! You cry, you feel hurt, you still need to grieve. But I tell ya as the days pass you will feel stronger, with no regrets! I think in no way were you duped! You caught on and you fixed it! Glad you shared your story! Best Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted December 31, 2006 Author Share Posted December 31, 2006 Everybody has been so kind to me I could almost cry! I live in Greece and the New Year was ushered in half an hour ago! My daughter's plane (coming from spain) and she'll be home any minute. He sent me a message on cell saying Happy New Year and that his was black as culd be and that he hoped I at least was having a good time. I wasn't but daughter's smiling face will be at my door in a few minutes...His daughter doesn't even want to speak to me him ..she must have her good reasons too. I deleted the message and did not answer! Thanks so much for your kindness and support... and send you all my love and wishes that the new year may grant you all you wish for! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 Thanks pureinheart...and yes it is very tough when you are in your early fifiteis actually and feeling washed up already...even tho people say you look great and younger ..and yes the drama is too much...like ii SAID i'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE nd never ever want to be there again ...so what is the situation with dating separated men ...is there really such an animal??? Is it a definite no no????????? Or is it Ok when they have alreaady started proceedings? What do you think? Hey Marlena.... We have to believe that we're not washed up...so many times I have looked like crap and God restored me....He's gonna do it for us again...I'm looking no so hot right now..... I think the rule of thumb is "after" a person becomes divorced, they need time to regroup....I'd give him time...I'd tell him, when your D'ed call me. He could be really unstable right now. Gods got someone for you that He created just for you....AND the man He has for you will not be right and CAN'T be truely blessed until he finds you!!!!! Stand on that girl and don't take second best because you deserve the BEST....we all do, let's not sell ourselves short by no means!!!!! We're not too old or getting old, we just have been though a lot and think we're old.... Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 I heard fifties are the new forties. and thirties are the new 20's. You got plenty of mojo left in ya. don't waste another moment crying over a decitful, liar. They are bigger and better men waiting for you. Just feel sorry for the loser who has to/whats to deal with him. You are free my dear. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 I heard fifties are the new forties. and thirties are the new 20's. You got plenty of mojo left in ya. don't waste another moment crying over a decitful, liar. They are bigger and better men waiting for you. Just feel sorry for the loser who has to/whats to deal with him. You are free my dear. Hey Butafly.....that's how I've been feeling, thought I was crazy being almost 47 and not feeling it or acting it....am a little beat up right now, but all gone after midnight tonight! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 1, 2007 Author Share Posted January 1, 2007 My daughter came with her very nice Spanish boyfriend ...her father picked her up from the airport with his 10 year old son (his mother died last Novmber) and we all had a wonderful time drinking and eating and laughing ....At least I have family who love me ...I'm so glad I didn't text him back ....I am so angry and that sustains me ....and marvelouw new friends like you who also sustain me.... It's almost the turn of the year in your part of the globe and I kiss you all with warmest wishes for the best year after.... I am so glad I met you!!! And don't stop writing please... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 You are soooo precious Marlena.... You CAN do this! Link to post Share on other sites
kymberann Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Marlena, if that anger is what keeps you from not texting, then hold on to it for awhile longer! You do what it takes to make this better for you! Glad you were surrounded by family to get you through this! Now I need to tend to my family. For some odd reason they want to bring in the New Year eating cheese sticks and sparkling cider! We just finished eating a french silk choclate pie: Uggh, sick of eating! Best! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 You are soooo precious Marlena.... You CAN do this! Pureinheart ....that's what you are...and that's real beauty...and WE CAN DO THIS.... and anything else that comes our way...no matter what some people may think...no matter how some people try to break us...Right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 1, 2007 Author Share Posted January 1, 2007 Pureinheart ...that's what you are ...and that's real beauty...WE can do this....WE will not be broken.....no matter how hard they try.... With every New Year we will get stronger.....we WILL soar above it all.... Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Hi Marlena: so very sorry about what has happened with you! There are many of us who completely understand your feelings and are glad to be here to support you! I am sorry you may feel as if this type of behavior has to do with "age" because it's certainly not concentrated within any particular age group. Some of our younger Sisters here are going through the same..we are ALL beautiful!!! And we all must support and protect each other with good hearts and souls... Big hugs to you and hope you are doing well. Please stay in touch! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 1, 2007 Author Share Posted January 1, 2007 Yes, Thank God for the miracle of family and friends...My daughter flew in just in the nick of time ...even being with my ex husband and his little boy was wonderful..I never thought a day would come when I would say this (he so betrayed me)...My ex and are like brother and sister now... I am glad you too were with family...hey and what's wrong with cheese sticks and sparkling cider?? and yeah, all that food UGH...I feel 11 months pregnant....and yes it is the anger that sustains me..the INSULT that was done to me ...the same anger and frustration got me through my divorce and my A with you know who (the unmentionable) ... Anyway, though I wanted to text back I didn't basically because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction ...he didn't deserve it ..nor my attention ...Sometimes I wonder if it's not just the fear of getting old alone..... but of course alone is not a physical state but rather a mental/emotional alone...In my marriage and my affair I was never more alone...Enough, it's the new year and something tells me that all of us have acquired more wisdom to ensure a better 2007...and no more chocolate cake for today at least...talk soon Link to post Share on other sites
Seen_It_All Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Malena, I have to say that I admire you GREATLY. I sincerely mean that with every fiber of my being. I'm so utterly disgusted and disappointed with women when I read their posts about how they've been lied to and duped from DAY #1 - and they stay with the guy even after finding out what a total lying scumbag he is. You, however, have self respect, character, and a strong moral fiber that I admire greatly. Regardless of your broken heart, you valued YOURSELF more than allowing yourself to be reduce to being a floor mat simply because 'you love him.' Great things will come to you, I firmly believe that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 1, 2007 Author Share Posted January 1, 2007 Thanks for your vote of confidence... I really needed that encouragement..You must be struggling or have struggled in the past to reach that state of enlightenment...where lessons are learnt and you reach a higher state of consciousness...or at least endeavor to...It's a hard ascent but the sense of self achievement is sublime... it's really simple isn't it? No one but no one should be allowed to humiliate another person.. One thing I promised to myself as I came out of any bad experience is to learn from that experience... I may make more mistakes (most definitely I will) but I will resist with every fiber of my being not to repeat the same ones...and I will not empower those who wish to willfully harm other people.... Great things will come to you as well being who you are Link to post Share on other sites
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