Author marlena Posted January 2, 2007 Author Share Posted January 2, 2007 Malena, I have to say that I admire you GREATLY. I sincerely mean that with every fiber of my being. I'm so utterly disgusted and disappointed with women when I read their posts about how they've been lied to and duped from DAY #1 - and they stay with the guy even after finding out what a total lying scumbag he is. You, however, have self respect, character, and a strong moral fiber that I admire greatly. Regardless of your broken heart, you valued YOURSELF more than allowing yourself to be reduce to being a floor mat simply because 'you love him.' Great things will come to you, I firmly believe that. I am so afraid that I am not worthy of your admiration. Yesterday I decided to answer his text a day later and wish him a Happy New Year. He texted back asking me if I had a nice New Year and I answered It was wonderful which indeed it was with my extended family. He said he was very ill and I said I hope you feel better and then replied I will wait for one more message from you before I shut my eyes but if you don't reply then I wish you good night. I didn't reply as I was confused and probably was afraid of being sucked back into the whole thing. Now why did I do this? Was it my inherent good manners that obligated me to wish him a Happy New Year too? Was it a pretext to establish contact again? This morning I was tempted to text and ask how he felt but I resisted. So its back to NC again. What am I fluctuating? Somehow though I feel stronger (at least today). Thank God my daughter and her boyfriend are here. Sorry if I disappointed you. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Marlena, it's a hard road and you're doing great...the fact that you are questioning yourself is a good sign that you are going to keep your established boundaries... Don't worry about disappointing anyone here, no one is perfect...and nothing really happened, so just keep doing what you're doing...one slip-up isn't bad, just go back to no contact... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Thanks GreenEyedLady......Yes, indeed, it is a hard road that leads to ...nowhere but misery as we all bitterly know in here.... glad i have yet another friend in here...and thnaks for not being judgemental....I suppose you too have your story...I can only hope you are not still in it and have moved on to a happy,healthy relationship...after reading all the posts in here of women exploited by MM I have realized that we are all nice people with sensitive hearts who deserve much better than they are getting.... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Well, I'm still in it at this point...and pretty happy at the present time... Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 You know yourself well enough to know that you are allowed to delve about discovering more about this situation and how you feel so please do not ever apologize! It's a "process" and nothing is ever told to us about how to "process" other than our own smart selves via our experiences:) ! No two experiences are exactly alike so you need not worry about what anyone else may think..and you have every right to do what you need to figure things out for YOU! We are all learning together! Hugs to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hugs to you too puddle of mud! I have had a terrible relapse and feel oh so horriblee. He sent me a song all about how Id rather be in hell with you than alone without you! I was at first moved and then angered by his childidh manipulation. What is this with emails and sms? We are in our fifties for heavens sake. Why not pick up the phone and say what you have to say. I texted and asked why he didn't answer. No answer. At 2 in the morning he sends long e-mail about how his daughter called him and asked to see him. They hadn't been communicating for years. A heart wrenching description of how they cried and fell into eachother's arms promising never to part again and blah blah blah...soap opera material. I have a very hard time beleiving it...he's such a liar. I even think he believes the story he concocts...I'm even beginning to think the guy is off his rocker ....psycho even. I hate myself for being sucked in again. I need you guys so please don't give up on me! Tell me what do you think about all this? Unreal,huh? Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Tell me what do you think about all this? Unreal,huh? Well, what I think is that his behaviour now is consistent with what you described in your first post: somone who lied to you in order to have a relationship with you, and someone who is manipulative and quite controlling. Sending texts and emails rather than phoning to talk is a great way for someone like that to continue to engage you without having to answer questions directly. My suggestion would be to block his calls and emails, after you tell him you don't want to hear from him again. Continued contact from him will only set you back, when you KNOW what you want to do. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Frannie. thanks so much for answering. i did just that... i emailed him and told him no more emails and sms and songs....if he has something to say he will have to say it to my face..I stressed that i am not into evasive tactics ...that whatever he has to say he has to say it maturely and responsibly to my face... I feel disgusted at him and myself and wish I could stop badgering myself over this... Am i being impatient, not showing understanding as he so said...WHY DO I STILL WANT THIS IDIOT THOUGH THE RED FLAGS ARE FLYING OVER MY HEAD?????????? You are here for me and I want to be here for you...if i can help with any problems you might have (which I hope you don't) let me know...I'm good at giving advice to everyone except myself Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 What is it you miss about him..? Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 WHY DO I STILL WANT THIS IDIOT THOUGH THE RED FLAGS ARE FLYING OVER MY HEAD?????????? You dont want him, you want what you THOUGHT was him. HUGE difference. He had what, 3 months to get into your head and heart. But it wasnt the real him. You want a man that doesnt exist except in your memory and it hurts when you realize those memories are not " real ". Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Bonehead (which is what I am,btw) I know this is so true!!! What is wrong with me? How can a fifty year old woman delude herself so grotesquely? I should no better. I know that to a large degree it has to do with my ageing, with the threat of the tipped hour glass hovering over my head...I fear I AM RUNNING OUT OF TIME....and this fear causes me to panic...and run in all directions....never finding the one and only path...I'm in such a mess...midlife crisis perhaps or baggage carried over or both...thanks for giving me your attention Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Marlena, I asked what you miss about him because then you can start examining if those things about him are true or not... and start to focus on getting those things another way... from someone else, eventually. Think of it this way... you only 'wasted' a few months on this man, rather than years. Imagine finding out about it years down the line..? But no experience is really wasted, and you live and learn... the experience is all part of the fun, eh..? Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 How can a fifty year old woman delude herself so grotesquely? I should no better. I know that to a large degree it has to do with my ageing, with the threat of the tipped hour glass hovering over my head...I fear I AM RUNNING OUT OF TIME....and this fear causes me to panic...and run in all directions Age has NOTHING to do with it. Its emotions. Your actions ( more truthfully reaction ) to this situation is the same as a 25 year old and a 70 year old. Instead of focusing on why you feel this way just remember one thing. The person you thought you knew isnt there. The way your feeling is no different then if things had been going well and he died. In alot of ways that is what happened Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Bonehead (which is what I am,btw) lol Im not. Its an inside work joke. I knew they wouldnt let me use the other part of the joke Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Marlena, there is no lie you could tell me that would surprise me because I was with the king of liars. I could name a hundred, but how about, he wasn't in touch with me for a few days because his brother "outed" himself to the family (the guy is in his late 30s), and it was just so upsetting to the family. BS! Oh, how about his son pulled a gun on him. Uh, right. I caught him in the biggest lie when he said he hadn't called in a few days because he had his appendix out. "Hadn't I heard?" Uh, no! I called the hospital. He was never there. That was really the beginning of the end. And bonehead is right. You miss what you thought he was. He is NOT what you thought he was, so take the god you thought he was down off the pedestal. He is a mere man with many many problems. Best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 movinon, thanks for replying. Whatever happened to your relatioship with the king of liars.. All my life I've been with liars...my husband of 15 yrs was one of the biggest. Why am I stuck in this pattern? what is wrong with me? I don't like myself much these days. I had thought that I learnt my lesson after my disastrous affair with mm but I wa so wrong. Myself sickens me even more than this new person who despite all warning signs has gotten soooooooo much under my skin. The NC rule has been broken and we talk, well, mostly he does, ranting and raving that I never gave him a second chance...saying he wants to defend his reputation , his image, that I have created a monster in my head which he isn;t.. BS...he is, deep in my gut I think I know that.. What compels me to continue even just talking to this weirdo? The stories he fabricates are so outlandish they border on comical....Now supposedly he's away on business....the onle good thing is I haven't seen him yet...still trying to resist in some ways..Thanks to everyone in here...you have all been so supportive and I wish I could get your advice through my thick head and run for the hills.... Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 movinon, thanks for replying. Whatever happened to your relatioship with the king of liars.. All my life I've been with liars...my husband of 15 yrs was one of the biggest. Why am I stuck in this pattern? what is wrong with me? I don't like myself much these days. I had thought that I learnt my lesson after my disastrous affair with mm but I wa so wrong. Myself sickens me even more than this new person who despite all warning signs has gotten soooooooo much under my skin. The NC rule has been broken and we talk, well, mostly he does, ranting and raving that I never gave him a second chance...saying he wants to defend his reputation , his image, that I have created a monster in my head which he isn;t.. BS...he is, deep in my gut I think I know that.. What compels me to continue even just talking to this weirdo? The stories he fabricates are so outlandish they border on comical....Now supposedly he's away on business....the onle good thing is I haven't seen him yet...still trying to resist in some ways..Thanks to everyone in here...you have all been so supportive and I wish I could get your advice through my thick head and run for the hills.... Ha, amazing similarity. I spent 17 yrs with my exH who lied and still does to this day. But they were stupid little lies. MM's lies were sometimes really big lies. Drama drama drama. That R ended after 7 yrs! But it took me a long time to realize all the lies he was telling me. I did put him on a pedestal and thought he had no reason to lie to me, so why would he? (dumb dumb). Here's another red flag for you. He even had the nerve to tell me that if I loved him I would stick around and show some understanding When they turn it around back on you, that's a big no-no. If HE really loved YOU, he would do everything to show you that you could believe in him and earn your trust. NOT the other way around. Look I know how you feel about the age thing. I'm just about 47 and a have grandchild to boot! But don't waste 7 yrs like I did. Think about this. Don't you want a R with a man who makes you happy, who doesn't give you cause for concern, who doesn't have you hitting the panic button and filled with anxiety and hurt when he lies. At your age, do you really need this hassle? (and I don't mean that in a bad way). You've got a lot of life in you. These are the times you should be enjoying them, not spending your days in misery. Like I said, he is just a man. Not a god. There are plenty of other men out there who are looking for a woman like you. Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 and btw, when a man tells you you cannot call his phone or text him, that is a HUGE HUGE red flag! Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Marlena: I really relate to where you are coming from--I am VERY close to your age and have never had feelings regarding "ageism" as I am very kind to my culture where older women are regarded as SACRED and aged knowlege is that which is most respected. Age in my culture is honorable and revered and I have never feared but looked very forward to maturity, which is something earned and I am no where near done maturing as to the benefit of living in this world. However, last night I had a hard night and began crying. I knew that I was crying because I felt alone but at the same time I never feel lonely as I have a great sense of self, never worry about growing old, have so many friends and activities, and I LIKE being alone--it doesn't bother me--I am mostly solitary by choice. I was trying to understand myself and to indentify my sorrow. What came to me was that I feel "invisible"--not due my age, my lack of activity in life, my "brightness" , my charming nature, my intelligence or my accomplishments or even the great deal of attention I receive. I am adored by my family, my sons and my grand children--my friends. But I do feel quite invisible. I am still quaking about that but at this juncture I feel that it is because my values are a constant struggle with the dominant values about women OUR AGE. No matter how sound I feel about myself I am still operative in a world where women my age are seemingly unnoticed and swept aside. I am not happy about how I am feeling right now--but I am doing my best to understand that with all changes in society--these changes begin with attitude and only one person need change theirs' for the domino effect to happen. At the very least we do not grieve our youth or our situation by using others to make us feel better! If that may be "growing older gracefully" then I say let it come because I have the brass balls to face it! Hugs and kisses to you, Sis and keep your chin up! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 POM I'm so sorry you had the need to cry. I can only hope it let off some pent up emotion and you felt a bit better afterwards. I wish I could have that shoukder to cry on. I've been doing a lot of that in the past three weeks. Yes, it is hard to age gracefully in a society that glorifies youth to such an extreme measure. Ageing has almost become a sin. You are NOT INVISIBLE... OTHERS ARE BLIND....and don't forget that. You saw you were married to a liar. Are you still in that marraige? I assume your affair with MM is over. Yes, there are a lot of similarities between us. I too have a lot of supportive friends and a wonderful family yet there are times I feel unbearably ALONE.. I too am quite the solitary kind and my friends berate for that every chace they get..they can't seem to understand my need to have time to myself... Whenever I am facing a problem I do tend to withdraw into myself to look for answers. You sound a lot like me ...weak yet strong....And yes let's start that domino effect right now..beginning with us..WE ARE BEAUTIFUL...WE HAVE CHARACTER...and are out there inthe arena everyday giving out fight....WE DO NOT GIVE UP...Hugs and kisses to you SIS... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 He only did that once because he was in a meeting...I can call hima at home or on cell or text him whenever I want and I get an immediate reply...THAT is what is so frustrating..the mixed signals... If I knew for a fact that he was married and still living with his wife I would run for the hills. I wouldn't want to relive that nightmare ever again!!!!! Are there any honest people left in the world today? What kind of a person deliberately hurts other people with lies and subterfuge? I STILL DON'T GET IT. WHAT DO THEY GET OUT OF IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 POM sorry I got posts mixed up. You didn't say you were married to a liar. Movinon05 did. Just shows you in what a distraught state of mind I'm in. Kisses..I never catch you guys online which is a shame because I live in Europe and I assume most of you live in the USA.. I did however grow up in the States and moved to Europe in my late teens. Kisses Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 Frannie, It's me who wards off any face to face encounters..I guess I am afraid of seeing him again..its been three weeks almost....when I said I didn't want anymore emails he called me right away and we talked or rather he did (I was at a loss fro words) I agreed to meet him but I don't know if I will go through with it.....FEAR!!!! Kisses to you Frannie Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted January 7, 2007 Author Share Posted January 7, 2007 Today I've had a major setback and feel so sick to my stomache...I should have listened and not anwered his Happy New Year wish... I was better of eith NC...We've been talking a few days and wach time we do I want rant and rave and push my fist through his face..instead I act civil...But very unstable...one minute I agree to meet him and then the next I change my mind...he says I'm childish and don't know what I want...When he says that I want to shout ..YOU BROUGHT ME TO THIS POINT OF INSANITY...YOU POSED A DILEMMA IN FRONT OF ME....YOU MAKE ME ACT THIS WAY.... he hasn't called today and I'm in a tizzy....He's tryinn=g to lessen my anger but he can't ..I can't ..it's there choking me to death...and so is the longing...I can't beleive I'm allowing this to happen...I've been through much harder things in life...instead of strenghening I'm weakening and absolutely hate myself for it...it must be the loneliness..the aching for someone to be with that has broken my spirit..... Link to post Share on other sites
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