My Wife may be on Crack.

[Johndb00]

Let me start by saying this is my first post and I'm looking for some reassurance that I'm doing the right things. I've been noticing signs of something going on for quite a while now so let me give you a bit of a background of the situation. My wife and I have been married for seven years and through out those seven years we've had two kids together and I took in her son from a previous relationship as my own. For the last 4 years she's been applying and being denied for SSI. She claims she is incapable of working. I've been supporting the whole family myself.

 

She stays in her room most of the day lying in bed and not really taking care of the House or the kids properly. It takes her an hour just to fold clothes and maybe she'll put them away. Recently she's started hanging out with some new people. In the past I usually met the people she's been hanging out with and I have yet met these people. She's been lying an awful lot lately for example she would tell me she's going to the store then she'd show up 4 hours later. She's been steeling from my personal checking account as well. I have caught her after she stole my bank card one night and she denied taking it (I have the atm withdrawals to prove it). She's stolen my check book and forged the name to cash checks (I have proof to) so needless to say I've lost pretty much all my trust in her.

 

After catching her in many lies already I have began to really think of how to fix the situation. I came to the solution that She is my wife and I would do anything to keep our relationship together I tracked her down and finally got her to come home. She said she was going to the store and she did bring groceries back ( 4 hours later) I just followed what she was saying and double checking with the sources she said she was with. What I got out of the situation was she was lying the whole time.

 

Now she's home and I am trying to maintain my composure. I didn't yell at her because I didn't want to scare her. I showed her some of the stuff I was looking up on the internet. I was looking up the tell tail signs of drug abuse. I was really calm and had her read some of them with me. Out of the 7 or so signs she qualified for 4-5 in my eyes, 1-2 in hers. She says she's not doing anything like that. Then she decided to take a bath. She's was in the bath for a while I decided to go in and talk to her for awhile about the current situation but I did not accuse her of doing drugs at that time. By the time she decides to get out she wanted another cigarette while she dries off. I had her lighter in the bedroom so she was asking for it. My daughter runs her purse into her.

 

About 30 - 45 seconds later I knock on the door and walk in. She was bending over in her towel playing with the clothes on the floor, stacking them up in a pile. I'm already suspicious so I went to grab the clothes. I told her I was going to take them down to the basement for her. As we both were reaching for the clothes she grabbed her dirty sweatpants she was wearing earlier. I asked why did she do that and she told me she was going to wear them. I thought to myself, why would she put those pants back on after trying to cover them up? Keep in mind she had a clean set of clothes lying on the bathroom sink.

 

This is when things got totally crazy. I knew she was hiding something but I didn't know what. I had an idea but I didn't want to assume. I wanted to see what was in her pockets but she refused to show me. I started turning everything on me by telling her that I don't feel right and cohersed her into giving me a hug. When she gave me a hug I reached for her pocket to feel the contents. What I felt was round about 2 inches long and it had holes on both ends. Now I really wanted to see what was in her pocket now but I wasn't going to force her to show me. I had to make her show me in another more reasonable fashion.

 

I wouldn't let her out of my sight. I figured if she was out of my sight she would dispense of the item and I'd be back at square one. I followed her to the kitchen so she could get a brush for her hair. The whole time she was walking she had her hand in her pocket. When I get her into the bedroom I was still thing to get more of an idea what was hiding in her pocket. She refused to lye down in bed so she was sitting in the chair. I wouldn't take my eyes off her or her hand covering the pocket. After about 4 hours of talking, praying, and loving I finally got her to show me what was in her pocket. It was a crack pipe.

 

She told me she found it in the basement in the pile of boxes we have. Earlier that day we were going through some of the boxes. I asked her why she didn’t just show me when she found it. She told me she didn't want me to think she was doing anything of the sort. I asked her how did it get down there and she told me it could have been a couple of the people that we had staying in the basement at one time. She told me she caught them doing stuff and told them either to quit or leave.

 

Now here's my dilemma. The only way I'm truly going to be alright with the whole situation is if I get my wife drug tested. I know they sell them. I'm not going to be able to trust her completely till I know for sure. But by pursuing the issue am I just being selfish and controlling? Should I give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her story after all the lies already?

[amaysngrace]

Have you noticed any funny smells coming from the bedroom? If she's smoking crack it smells. I think it smells like burning styrofoam or something plastic.

 

Notice anything like that?

[Island Girl]

I know you want to give her the benefit of the doubt -- but there is no doubt.

 

She is stealing from you.

 

Lying about her where abouts.

 

The "store" excuse and being gone for 4 hours -- classic.

 

You live in a home together with children, correct?

 

A woman in her right mind who finds a crack pipe in the basement would be alarmed - afterall who would be smoking in the basement and you have small children! Her concern would be to protect her children from whatever unsavory character was using your basement. ---- It wasn't.

 

She kept her hand in her pocket and tried to get alone so she could stash it.

 

You are in a tough spot. Screw the test -- you really don't need it. Realize you are dealing with a crack head - not your wife. The brain changes on this drug so that the family (you, the children) becomes unimportant.

 

Whatever conversation you think you are having - you are not having a conversation with her. You are talking to a drug addict. You can't believe anything she says.

 

You need to call a support number in your area and get help. It will help you keep you sanity while dealing with all of the insanity and perhaps give you an avenue to go forward.

 

Good luck.

[Fun2BMe]

I'm not going to be able to trust her completely till I know for sure. But by pursuing the issue am I just being selfish and controlling? Should I give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her story after all the lies already?

 

Even a 2 year old wouldn't believe her story. Why would she be hiding the pipe from you if it didn't belong to her and she had in fact found it? Why wouldn't she have been upset that people had been smoking crack in your home and immediately shown you, instead of hiding it from you? It seems like she is completely lying to you and for you to even think she's telling the truth tells me that you are in denial, looking for an excuse like you're selfish and controlling should you bellieve the obvious. If you pull a fresh string of hair from her head with the root attached to it, you can have that analyzed for drugs.

[JLO22]

Yeah she needs helps!

 

You might want to sit her down and talk to her!

[Johndb00]

Thanks for the recent replies to my previous message. It’s been 2 days so far. Yesterday she pulled the store story again and was gone for 4 hours. She did come back with the stuff from the store. After the first hour I tried calling her cell phone and it was turned off. When she finally got home she told me that her friend needed to go pick up her other friend from the east side. They ended up going to the store on the east side. That’s when I told her to show me her cell phone. I wanted to see the battery charge, because she said the battery was dieing. She asked me why I am treating her like a child. I told her I just wanted to see her phone.

 

Two bars were available in the battery. I showed these to her and she persisted on telling me she tried to call but every time she tried, it said service unavailable. I checked her eyes and they didn’t seem dilated. I then sat with her and watched some days of our lives and went over some verses in the bible focusing on Headship and how the structure works and Bad Associations. She told me not all her friends are bad and I told her some are. I hope this eventually will strike a chord in her.

 

I’m not giving up on her yet.

[IpAncA]

You can probably guess what she's doing within those 4 hours and there is no telling what else she is taking or doing.

 

If she REALLY did find it she would have showed you and then thrown it away. That would have been the end of it and she wouldn't be doing all the things that she is doing now and has done in the past.

 

I really think that it's time to get her some help before it gets worse. You can always contact places without telling him your name and see what they would suggest in getting her the help that she would need. She is probably going to figure out soon or may already have an idea that your on to her about it.

 

I'm glad that your not giving up and in the long run if she does get the help she needs and gets clean she will thank you for helping her.

[Ladywithafan]

any time there is unaccounted for money missing from the checkbook....4 hour "I'm just going to the store" moments....finding a crack pipe in your basement in a pile of clothes????

 

check the resin and see what's there....

 

She needs help...

[SimpleMrT]

John ...you really have your hands full with this one...I have seen this situation before and it usually doesn't turn out ..good. This is where you stand up and be strong. Demand she gets help, get rid of her Crack friends, and allow you to keep tabs on her. Its sad to say ..but this is what it's gonna take. I have seen the sweetest, smart , out going women(and Men) fall to this Drug....it truly does change you as a person. I sugest you try as hard as you can to bring her back to reality ...if after a month you can't......RUN!

[Johndb00]

I'd like to take this moment to thank the members of this forum community. I caught her with the pipe again. This time I called various places for help 911,211,and a Mental Health hotline. I had my brother grab my kids for awhile. This time she told me this was her first time. She also told me I drove her to do it. She said it was because of me treating her like a child. All the hotlines said was there's nothing I can do about it, She has to want to get over it herself, and She's got free will. I'm not satisfied with that response.

 

How can someone who is under the influence make any rational decisions? So I gave her an ultimatum. You do it my way or you can leave, but if you leave you leave everything. She thinks I'm holding her prisoner. I'm just being rational.I called my employer and took some time off. I'm going to try to keep her in our bedroom for the next few days only to leave for bathroom breaks. I disconnected the phone in our room and I took her cell phone away. I've already told many of her so called friends whom been calling that they can't talk to her.

 

It's going to be a long few days.

[IpAncA]

I'd like to take this moment to thank the members of this forum community. I caught her with the pipe again. This time I called various places for help 911,211,and a Mental Health hotline. I had my brother grab my kids for awhile. This time she told me this was her first time. She also told me I drove her to do it. She said it was because of me treating her like a child. All the hotlines said was there's nothing I can do about it, She has to want to get over it herself, and She's got free will. I'm not satisfied with that response.

 

Don't by what your wife says. Just trying to justify what she's done but if she doesn't want to stop then shes not going to. She has to want to.

 

How can someone who is under the influence make any rational decisions? So I gave her an ultimatum. You do it my way or you can leave, but if you leave you leave everything. She thinks I'm holding her prisoner. I'm just being rational.I called my employer and took some time off. I'm going to try to keep her in our bedroom for the next few days only to leave for bathroom breaks. I disconnected the phone in our room and I took her cell phone away. I've already told many of her so called friends whom been calling that they can't talk to her.

 

It's going to be a long few days.

 

What are you going to do, make her withdrawl. If so then I hope that you know what your doing because withdrawl is nothing to mess with. I don't remember how long the process is.

 

That's why she should get help from professionals who deal with this sort of stuff.

 

Keep us posted. Curious as to how this pans out and I hope that everything does work out.

[Johndb00]

What are you going to do, make her withdrawl. If so then I hope that you know what your doing because withdrawl is nothing to mess with. I don't remember how long the process is.

 

That's why she should get help from professionals who deal with this sort of stuff.

I'm going to try my best to help her go through the withdrawl process. I'm sleeping in front of the door so she'll have to wake me up to get out... As for getting professional help, I'm going to call her doctors and also try to call family services to get some more advice.

[Ladywithafan]

I'm going to try my best to help her go through the withdrawl process. I'm sleeping in front of the door so she'll have to wake me up to get out... As for getting professional help, I'm going to call her doctors and also try to call family services to get some more advice.

 

 

There is not really a "withdrawl" period for smoking crack/freebase..whatever you want to call it....

 

The main withdrawl is when you do that last hit that really sucks and you're out of cash for anymore and the dope was bad...that's when you have withdrawls because you know you're not getting anymore anytime soon. And if the dope was bad and you're not ready to be done, you are a complete psycho.....this is the point where your person who's had enough, runs and hides under the covers of their bed where the person who just doesn't give a "f*ck" will do whatever it takes to get more....

 

Depending on where your wife is really at in this game is how you need to know what to expect....by this point, today, she's not having withdrawls, she should just be coming out from under her little cloud and should have that "I was stupid" feeling....

 

but the friends, numbers, phone all have to go....she has to detach with whoever is providing her with the paraphenialia, dope, etc......you've got to break the chain....there's nothing worse however, then a mental addiction...the mind can be a terrible thing.....now she needs a 30 day inhouse rehab....at the very least ...

[blind_otter]

but the friends, numbers, phone all have to go....she has to detach with whoever is providing her with the paraphenialia, dope, etc......you've got to break the chain....there's nothing worse however, then a mental addiction...the mind can be a terrible thing.....now she needs a 30 day inhouse rehab....at the very least ...

 

Word. I agree with LWF -- but here's the kicker. OP - Her chances for relapse are HUGE if she doesn't want to quit.

 

I speak from years of experience with multiple substances. I'm sorry the professionals didn't say what you wanted to hear, but that's God's honest truth. No one, but no one can get sober unless they, themselves, want to get sober. Period, end of story.

[Johndb00]

No one, but no one can get sober unless they, themselves, want to get sober. Period, end of story.

 

I'm starting to understand that concept a bit. I'm still going to try to persuade her into some assistance if possible. As of now she thinks I'm pushing her away. Supposedly I'm making her the bad person just to make myself look better. She's very pushy at the moment. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

[IpAncA]

I'm starting to understand that concept a bit. I'm still going to try to persuade her into some assistance if possible. As of now she thinks I'm pushing her away. Supposedly I'm making her the bad person just to make myself look better. She's very pushy at the moment. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

Has she tryed to get away or anything?

[Johndb00]

Has she tryed to get away or anything?

 

She hasn't tried to do anything yet. I told her if she don't like the situation leave. She says she don't have to. I'm not forcing her either way. She's been asking for me to bring the kids back home. I told her that she needs to go to the doctor with me today and we'll go from there. She doesn't want to go. She rather hide under the covers and hope everything blows over.

[blind_otter]

I'm starting to understand that concept a bit. I'm still going to try to persuade her into some assistance if possible. As of now she thinks I'm pushing her away. Supposedly I'm making her the bad person just to make myself look better. She's very pushy at the moment. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

 

This is what happens when the addict is unable to face their own addiction. Everyone around them tries to help and their only reward is to be cast as the "bad guy" in the addicts mind.

 

BE prepared for her to lash out at you, say inappropriate things, and sometimes addicts even get violent. It may not happen immediately, but until she realizes that what she is doing is problematic, she won't understand that you are trying to help her. She will see you as the evil person keeping her from her DOC (drug of choice).

[IpAncA]

This is what happens when the addict is unable to face their own addiction. Everyone around them tries to help and their only reward is to be cast as the "bad guy" in the addicts mind.

 

BE prepared for her to lash out at you, say inappropriate things, and sometimes addicts even get violent. It may not happen immediately, but until she realizes that what she is doing is problematic, she won't understand that you are trying to help her. She will see you as the evil person keeping her from her DOC (drug of choice).

Exactly! Very hard to help someone if they don't want it. But hopefully she will.

[jetsetjessica]

Someone already mentioned that if she doesn't truly want to stop, and is just forced to or half-assing an attempt to stop, the chances of her relapsing are huge. As a meth addict I can tell yiou from experience that it's not likely she will quit for any length of time. BUT I think it is good that you are still going to try. There is a small chance that you forcing her to get clean will make her realize she wants to stay that way. But just beware if she doesn't decide to want to quit, she will decide to get better at hiding it. Crack stays in your system an average of 3 days, so if you end up buying drug test kits to make sure she's on track just know that it could be out of her system. And whoever replied and told you to take a strand of her hair and test it, don't listen to them. That will go back as long as 7 years, she obviously won't pass it. Good luck, in the end it has to be her decision, not yours or anyone elses, but having you and your support already makes it way more likely she'll make it to sobriety one day hopefully soon.