What's with grown men and strip clubs?

[Guest]

This has made me miserable. I'm deeply in love with the man I thought was absolutely perfect for me. We've dated for about 1.5 years. I recently learned that he frequents strip clubs, and after many heated conversations on the subject we are at an impasse...he thinks they are a natural form of escape for all men, I think they are relationship deal breakers.

 

We had a wonderful, fulfilling, sex life that now has completely shut down. He's still interested...I can't stomach the thought of him seeing me with my clothes off now. I'm 50 years old, in pretty good shape, but definitely not like the girls I know he sees in these places. I'm not comparing myself, just wondering why men think that this can possibly be ok.

[Jersey Shortie]

I understand how you feel. At the end of the day, as long as the man can still have his strip clubs and porn, he could care less how it hurts the woman in his life that actually cares about him. Isn't it nice to know that men will fight for an "escape" from you to watch 18 year olds with implants prance around. Yeah, men really care about women a whole lot don't they.

[cutegirl]

I understand how you feel. At the end of the day, as long as the man can still have his strip clubs and porn, he could care less how it hurts the woman in his life that actually cares about him. Isn't it nice to know that men will fight for an "escape" from you to watch 18 year olds with implants prance around. Yeah, men really care about women a whole lot don't they.

 

Strip clubs are not comparable to porn, their different animals. In strip clubs most guys don't just "watch", I know some guys will even wear condoms during a dance so they won't wet their pants when they ejaculate. In some strip clubs dancers grind the guy till they orgasm. It's basically dry humping. I'm not saying all strippers do this, but a lot do, even in the "classiest" of clubs.

[Carbine]

I'm not comparing myself, just wondering why men think that this can possibly be ok.

 

From what I gather, the general consensus among men is that:

1. It is purely a harmless form of 'entertainment'
   
2. they don't compare the strippers bodies to their SO's body
   
3. It's their God-given right to attend strip clubs
   
4. strip clubs don't count as cheating in any way, shape or form.
   
5. If she's anti strip-club then she's obviously insecure.

To which I say BOLLOCKS. As you previously stated -

I think they are relationship deal breakers.

- And you are spot on. To me, a monogomous relationship is just that - monogomous. No if's, but's or maybe's. It's a deal where the rules are defined and agreed upon by the two people entering into the relationship. Different relationships have different rules, and different definitions of what constitutes 'cheating' and what doesnt. To be honest, there are heaps of women who are perfectly happy with their SO's attending strip clubs and don't see this as cheating, as opposed to a small minority who aren't happy with their SO's seeing strippers. I'm in the latter. My now ex-bf wanted a relationship with me, but used every loophole he could to try and convince me it was ok for him to go to strip clubs and hence have his little bit on the side.

 

In regards to dot points 1-5 (above) I'd argue that:

1. Entertainment, escapism or whatnot, strip clubs are part of the Adult Industry which operates on the premise of fulfilling one's sexual fantasies/desires. The strippers at these clubs are sex workers who get paid considerable sums to help men like your SO partially live out these fantasies. Hence, your SO is taking part in a sexual activity (whether it involves touching or not is completely irrelevent) and he knows this all too well. Secondly, if his escapism is hurting you, then it's not exactly harmless, is it?
   
2. I doubt that the majority of men sit at a strip club and constantly think "oh, I wish my SO had an arse/tits/legs like that stripper". However, I'd say that it would cross their minds every now and then, especially when they're having sex with their SO - but you'd be hard pressed to find one that would have the guts to admit this.
   
3. Strip Clubs are only a male's God-given right when he's single. If he's attached, then he should realise that it's a privelage to be with his wife/girlfriend/SO, yet most men tend to regard these women simply as another god given right. They should damn well learn some respect! If a man is lucky enough to have a SO who lets him go to the occasional strip joint, then he should consider himself even more privelaged. If not, then too ******* bad!
   
4. IMO, he's cheating if he's interacting in any way, shape or form with a sex worker.
   
5. As for insecurity, well, it takes two to tango. And right now, he's off watching some hot chick with big tits and a tight butt tangoing around in her g-string, while you're left sidelined. If you are insecure, it's no freakin wonder!

I totally understand how you feel, i've been through the same thing with my now ex bf. All I can say is that maybe you didn't lay down the law early enough in the relationship - until you've done this, and shown him that you're not going to be pushed around, most men will take the opportunity as free rein to push the boundries and perhaps even jump over them.

[austousa]

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments. I thought I'd get a bunch of those "don't worry about it...men will be men...stop being insecure" replies. I'm glad my feelings are appropriate and my response to him was valid. The only problem I have now is what do I do with all the dreams we had? He was absolutely my best friend.

 

And as I said, I'm 50 years old, and what I've discovered is that very few men are in his league in every other area. I just can't compromise this and continue to trust him. But, while I'm not needy in any way, I want a great companion for life. What's the likelihood of finding a man who won't cause me hurt in a huge way at this late stage of the game?

[georgina]

This has made me miserable. I'm deeply in love with the man I thought was absolutely perfect for me. We've dated for about 1.5 years. I recently learned that he frequents strip clubs, and after many heated conversations on the subject we are at an impasse...he thinks they are a natural form of escape for all men, I think they are relationship deal breakers.

 

We had a wonderful, fulfilling, sex life that now has completely shut down. He's still interested...I can't stomach the thought of him seeing me with my clothes off now. I'm 50 years old, in pretty good shape, but definitely not like the girls I know he sees in these places. I'm not comparing myself, just wondering why men think that this can possibly be ok.

 

Hello, im 40, keep myself in shape and in the process of planning my wedding. My fiance is 50 and has lots of younger exes. I recently found out that hes looking at porn online and we had a discussion regarding lapdancers. Like you this made me feel insecure but men are totally different to us and dont feel the same way. It all comes down to respect for your feelings. There must be some compromise

[Toni_no12002]

There are two people in a relationship.Therefore if he enjoys it and you dont he should take into consideration your feelings.He should be thinking to himself is it really that important to go to these strip clubs because im hurting the person i care for.If he doesnt take into cosideration your feelings hes being a twat! sorry but he is.

 

Im not saying that he can never do what he wants because you dont like it but there has to be some give and take.

Im sure if you was doing something and he didnt like it and it hurt him you would have to discuss it so that your both happy.

 

Relationships are about 2 people.If he is just thinking about himself all the time whats the point in being in a relationship in the first place.Talk to him and tell him that you are upset about it.Never say things like "what your doing is wrong" because you are blaming him for it.

Use things like "I feel hurt that you do this" therefore he cant get angry or mardy with you because you are only displaying your feelings on the issue.

[Woggle]

It is a man thing and many women seem not to understand it. In a PC society it is one of the few places a man can go and be a man and we resent it when women try to take it away from us. Sometimes men need to escape from dealing with women's crap and it feels good to have a bunch of women who will do what you want for a dollar.

[a4a]

It is a man thing and many women seem not to understand it. In a PC society it is one of the few places a man can go and be a man and we resent it when women try to take it away from us. Sometimes men need to escape from dealing with women's crap and it feels good to have a bunch of women who will do what you want for a dollar.[/QUOTE]

 

that is one very powerful statement. (in bold)

 

No it is not a man thing for all men. Some men have other outlets to feel like men.

[Woggle]

It is a man thing and many women seem not to understand it. In a PC society it is one of the few places a man can go and be a man and we resent it when women try to take it away from us. Sometimes men need to escape from dealing with women's crap and it feels good to have a bunch of women who will do what you want for a dollar.[/QUOTE]

 

that is one very powerful statement. (in bold)

 

No it is not a man thing for all men. Some men have other outlets to feel like men.

 

I admit that it is somewhat of a power trip. I would never treat my wife like that but when I am pissed at the female gender it is fun to throw a dollar at a stripper and make her dance for me.

[a4a]

 

I admit that it is somewhat of a power trip. I would never treat my wife like that but when I am pissed at the female gender it is fun to throw a dollar at a stripper and make her dance for me.

 

That is probably something you should really discuss with your therapist.

 

Again you fail to realize that you are just as bad as the man-hating women that you deplore. The acorn does not fall far from the tree, indeed.

 

I now have to wonder if some men frequent strip clubs for the power trip not just for the sexual excitement.

[riobikini]

I'm with a4a -and all the other posters who don't accept the frequent (or even occasional) patronizing of strip clubs as a "benign" activity.

 

Here's something for men to think about: What if the gf or spouse rang you up to say, "Honey, can you pick up the kids, run by the grocery store, and make dinner tonight? -I'm gonna have a couple of drinks at the (male) strip club -just to wind down after the grueling day I've had at work."

 

And what if it became a routine thing? -say four-five times a week?

 

Hey! (Smile) -it's not hockey until somebody gets hurt, isn't it?

 

-Rio

[Woggle]

I don't care of my wife goes to a strip club. Are women really this insecure that their man having some fun with the guys is a dealbreaker? My wife dos not own me and if I want to go out with the guys I will.

[a4a]

I don't care of my wife goes to a strip club. Are women really this insecure that their man having some fun with the guys is a dealbreaker? My wife dos not own me and if I want to go out with the guys I will.

 

What if your wife wanted to go to a feminist meeting..... women rally......

 

I mean she just wanted to have some bonding time with other women and some fun at the feminist meeting.

[riobikini]

Woggle, -it's *not* the fun with "the guys" that's the dealbreaker.

 

But you *know* that.

 

Now, keep stirring the pot, m' man.

 

-Rio

[Woggle]

What if your wife wanted to go to a feminist meeting..... women rally......

 

I mean she just wanted to have some bonding time with other women and some fun at the feminist meeting.

 

I would divorce her because I refuse to be involved with a feminist. If I went to an I hate woman meeting I would expect her to do the same.

[a4a]

I would divorce her because I refuse to be involved with a feminist. If I went to an I hate woman meeting I would expect her to do the same.

 

But you do that Woggle when you go to the strip club and make the women do what you want for a dollar...... because you are angry at the gender.

 

I hate women today so I will make this skank whore do what I want for this dollar?

 

My bet is if your wife knew about your real issues and real feelings about women she would probably divorce you.

 

But sorry OP this thread is not about Woggle.

 

But very interesting that some men see strip clubs as a way to have women act submissive to them. But even funnier that the women are there by choice taking the chumps cash!

[riobikini]

a4a: " My bet is if your wife knew about your real issues and real feelings about women she would probably divorce you. "

 

The very thoughts that occupied my mind while reading his reply, too.

 

-Rio

[Woggle]

The strippers know what the deal is so it is a good fantasy. I get to feel like I am controlling a woman without actually hurting her. All I am saying is that if a man feels like having fun with the guys it is none of her business. This is the problem with men today. We feel that we should stop doing everything because it botthers our wives. I will do the same things I did before I married her.

[a4a]

The strippers know what the deal is so it is a good fantasy. I get to feel like I am controlling a woman without actually hurting her. All I am saying is that if a man feels like having fun with the guys it is none of her business. This is the problem with men today. We feel that we should stop doing everything because it botthers our wives. I will do the same things I did before I married her.

 

well that is not love Woggle. If your wife did have an issue about any activity you decide to do you need to take her feelings into account.

 

I would love to do many things I did before I was married. But I realize some of my previous behaviors will or could hurt my H's feelings or make him upset. I consider this before I act. It is not a matter of him controlling me, it is a matter of me caring enough about him to want to make him happy and I MAKE THAT CHOICE. I choose to try not to hurt him..... I control that.

[riobikini]

Woggle: " All I am saying is that if a man feels like having fun with the guys it is none of her business."

 

No, Woggle that's *not* all you're saying.

 

With that frame of mind -and with that particular statement- you're saying that your infidelities (call them what they are) do not matter.

 

Strip clubs are all about *gratifying* some unsettled, undealt-with sexual desire that is *expressed* in actual, in-person contact of some form.

 

It may be connected to fantasy -but it steps over those boundaries once you've arrived live, and in-person to the strip club.

 

In pursuing it, you have already cheated.

 

-Rio

[Woggle]

well that is not love Woggle. If your wife did have an issue about any activity you decide to do you need to take her feelings into account.

 

I would love to do many things I did before I was married. But I realize some of my previous behaviors will or could hurt my H's feelings or make him upset. I consider this before I act. It is not a matter of him controlling me, it is a matter of me caring enough about him to want to make him happy and I MAKE THAT CHOICE. I choose to try not to hurt him..... I control that.

 

If a man changes too much for a woman she lose respect for him. I don't lie to her and she is okay with everything I do. I would not have married her if I felt I would lose my freedom.

[a4a]

If a man changes too much for a woman she lose respect for him. I don't lie to her and she is okay with everything I do. I would not have married her if I felt I would lose my freedom.

 

There is no reason for a person to "change" but you will change with time, as will she. Without being considerate of your spouse and having this hard nose stance about "I will do what I want"......... well that is a formula to head to divorce court.

 

I still say if she knew who you really were........ you never would have gotten married in the first place. She doesn't sound like the type of woman to put up with crap even though she is not a man hating feminist.

[riobikini]

In addition:

 

Look -you may have the "guys" with you -but they are only accessories to facilitate your actions and desires.

 

Woggle: " I don't lie to her and she is okay with everything I do. I would not have married her if I felt I would lose my freedom."

 

I have a strong hunch that what you say to your wife is glammed-over vanilla ice-cream compared to the sentiments you post here.

 

Maybe, if she could only read your words/thoughts.....?

 

-Rio

[Woggle]

There is no reason for a person to "change" but you will change with time, as will she. Without being considerate of your spouse and having this hard nose stance about "I will do what I want"......... well that is a formula to head to divorce court.

 

I still say if she knew who you really were........ you never would have gotten married in the first place. She doesn't sound like the type of woman to put up with crap even though she is not a man hating feminist.

 

I don't give her crap but she doesn't give me crap either. I am not one of these wimpy men that lets their wife walk them around on a leash.