I don't want to lose her.

[Cub]

A friend of mine, who is also an ex girlfriend, recently discovered one of those letters that you're supposed to write when you're getting over someone after I accidentally emailed it to her a couple nights ago (don't ask how, it's a long story). So we talked today, and I guess she was reading her mail at the time so now she's mad at me. She wont even talk to me now and I'm worried because this girl really does mean a lot to me.

She says there's no point to our relationship and she doesn't want to try anymore and a buncha other stuff I forgot, but she won't even let me explain! I did try before but it just bounced off of her.

 

What do I do?!

 

Oh, basically the letter was just me yelling at her for the way she dumped me for another guy.

[Island Girl]

Wow.

 

So those letters -- well, you are supposed to burn them or destroy them after so I guess that is a lesson learned.

 

The only thing you really can do is leave her a message explaining that was previously and it was out of being so hurt and angry.

 

If she won't accept that, and she no longer wants to be friends, than you must not have meant that much to her, even as a friend.

 

She dumped you for another guy so she didn't care that much about you or respect you very much in the previous boundaries of a relationship. It hurts I am sure.

 

Just remember you have to value yourself enough that you do not go after her when she is unreasonable or in the wrong. Otherwise you'll get no respect and she won't value your friendship at all.

[Cub]

Heh, actually one of my friends found it on my computer and sent it to her as a joke. Nice burn on his part, but not really good. You're right though, it does hurt, but I know her anger patterns and she's the type to be mad for a little while and get over it quick instead of hold onto it. I told her and she said she believes me, but I think that she either might be lying to me or she's hurt or something. Either way I wish she would just talk to me again. It's killing my new years night.

 

Should I try to contact her or wait for her? I'm really confused because she was a good friend before we ever started dating and at the least I thought she would trust me. Even still though, why is she mad? I told her that I really didn't mean to send that to her and that the anger has passed but she still says that she wants to end our friendship and everything. Is she just hurt or does she really mean that?

[BlueEyedSarah]

I told her and she said she believes me, but I think that she either might be lying to me or she's hurt or something. Either way I wish she would just talk to me again. It's killing my new years night.

Why not think about how she feels instead of thinking its killing YOUR new years night.

If she is hurt, which is most likly true then give her space to think out her thoughts and feelings.

Reading an email like the one you sent most likly would have hurt her quite alot to get her angry at you.

[Island Girl]

If she values your friendship and knows that you didn't send it, AND it was written in the past after she dumped you for another man, she will talk to you about it and try to resolve it and put it in the past.

 

Obviously you put her dumping you (painfully) in the past and you deserve the same courtesy.

 

It isn't a great friendship if all of the understanding and forgiveness is one-sided.

 

So, although you don't want to lose her, you must let her come to you when she is ready to salvage the relationship. You can't force her and contacting her will just keep her in an angry position because she'll feel pushed, etc.

 

Just remember we always value what we work for. It is the nature of humanity.

 

You've put in a lot of effort to maintain a friendship with her. Let her think about it and get to a point where she puts effort into a resolution as well.

 

If she doesn't, she doesn't think too much of your friendship which is sad because I get the feeling you have been a good friend to her.

[Cub]

I don't really know. I've tried my best to be a good friend, but it's been hard. We don't fight too much but something comes up every few months, though I guess that should be expected. Since we broke up I've been spending a lot of time trying to get over her and that's messed up up sometimes, but for the most part we're always on good terms. Regardless of what has happened though, I love this girl, probably always will. I'm worried that we might not recover from this fight though because this is the first time she's just refused to talk to me at all. Usually she'll stay to talk.

 

I'm worried what will happen if she never comes back. It'll be like the day we broke up all over again and in the same style because it was over the internet. I know she's hurting right now and I'm going to give her the space she needs, but I hope she doesn't decide to take this time to drop me like a bad habbit.

[Island Girl]

It may seem scary to face it but you really must realize that, unless she values you and your friendship as well anything could end it.

 

How horrible to have a friendship that is based on so poor of a foundation.

 

You don't know what will happen.

 

You have explained the circumstances of why what was written was written.

You have apologized and requested a resolution.

You have let her know your 'door' is open to her.

 

The only thing you can do now is wait.

 

You said something comes up every few months -- it is my understanding she gets angry about something every few months and you have 'talks' to resolve it so she isn't angry anymore? If so --- what are these 'things' that come up? It may shed more light on the circumstances and the depth of your relationship.

[Cub]

Well, the last time we really got into it about a month or so ago was because she was over my house one day so I could help her study for a test (I had a program that I used to study so I shared it with her) and she started seducing me. She blew in my ear, something she knows I can't take and then when I asked her to stop she turned my head and kissed me. After that we started making out and...well, it went on from there. After that she told me she didn't want to be more than friends me because she was still with the guy she left me for. The actualy fight started because I got mad and told my best friend what happened and he apparently told one of her friends (I met her through one of his friends). I didn't ask for him to do that, nor did I expect it, but it did. We were able to resolve it in the same night it started though.

 

The time before that another one of my friends called her a whore for what she did to me and she started screaming in my ear. It was really a bad spot on my part because the friend who did it was the same one who helped me when she broke up with me originally, but i didn't want to sound like I was calling her the same thing. Well, she took my tiny defense of him that way anyway and said a bunch of stuff about how she didn't trust me anymore.

 

I don't know what to make of it really. It seems like anytime I make a move to try and get over her it blows up in my face. I'm resolved to just keep this stuff inside from now on.

[Island Girl]

I hate to say it but she is an insecure "attention whore" -- I hope that is okay to say on LS --

 

I am trying to put it in perspective for you -- I can give you a tremendous breakdown having been in her shoes before -- not proud of it but true.

I just stopped at the making out - but it is no less hurtful and manipulative.

 

I have to detail more later, my brother is on his way to pick me up for a New Year's party.

 

Don't dwell on it --- it will get better.

[Cub]

I hope it does get better.

 

Why does this keep happening though? It really sucks because it's always when we're starting to build an actual friendship. Like I said, I'll wait for her to contact me. I know she'll have to soon because I still have her cell phone from a party I took her to a couple nights ago. She left it in my car...

[Cub]

I called her to drop off her phone, but she told me to just leave it at the door...so I did. After I dropped it off (I knocked but she didn't answer, but I know she was home) I called her (which is how I know she was home) to make sure she got it and she just said yes and hung up. I don't know what to do. She doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and I'm not sure if she ever will.

 

Hurts like hell

[Cub]

Hm, funny, just when I've dulled my feelings for her she calls and asks me if we can talk. I'm not sure why she's even trying though, if she was so mad over something that small then is there really any point?

 

I'm not sure what I should do.

[Island Girl]

Hm, funny, just when I've dulled my feelings for her she calls and asks me if we can talk. I'm not sure why she's even trying though, if she was so mad over something that small then is there really any point?

 

I'm not sure what I should do.

 

I am thinking you backed off and NC her right?

 

If this is the case OF COURSE she opened the door back up again to talk.

 

This is classic. I can't tell you how much your self-esteem has probably suffered during the course of this relationship.

 

If you talk to her, please remember it is not your responsibility to make this okay at this point.

 

You apologized. You tried over and over to talk to her.

 

She refused. At that point it becomes her issue. She exhibits childish behavior. I can see her telling you all about how hurt she has been, etc.

 

I can also tell you she has not thought once about how you must have felt after she left you for another man. There is no empathy there. It is all about her, how hurt she is by the letter, etc.

 

She is going to turn it around into all your fault and have you kiss her behind to try to be her friend when she has not been a friend to you. Please try to remember that. She has not been your friend on several occasions.

 

I hope you can stay strong and regain some respect because she doesn't have any respect for you at all. That's sad considering how much you care for her.

[Cub]

Yep, this is after NC.

 

Yea, I've taken into consideration how I've tried to be civil and avoid any hardships over this attempted friendship, only to have my best efforts at moving on thrown back in my face. Actually, no, this goes a lot further than the friendship. I'd say that from the first time she started ignoring me they day after July 4'th (I have the best memory ) talking about how she was depressed and wanted things "back to the way they were" my self respect has been slowly declining.

 

It's because, I can only assume, this is the first time her other man told her he loved her. Buncha bull...anyway, after that I went away on a trip to FL to see my family and when I came back everything had changed (It was only 4 days:lmao: ). She told me she had gone out to the movies with another guy and, when I got mad at her, some how turned it back on me and ended up not talking to me for 3 days!

 

Yea, I begged and all the jazz and she took me back on July 22'nd just to dump me again 10 days later. Well, no, that was a 2 week break. She dumped me on the 15'th. Whoo!...

 

This entire thing has been one big attack on my self recpect...I really shouldn't even care about her anymore but I'll be damned if I'm not too nice...

[Cub]

Well, we mad up I guess. I can't believe she actually got me to say I'm sorry to her. It sickens me and I think, no, I know a relationship like this is really bad for me. The problem is that I can't bring myself to just tell her to f**k off. Too much emotional baggage I guess. Either way I slice it though I still come to the conclusion that she doesn't now nor ever did respect me. I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter and I'm tired of her blowing me off.

 

Can anyone tell me why she treats me like this and what i can do to free myself? I've tried, but somehow she is able to just pull me back so easily. It doesn't help that we have a lot of mutual friends gumming up the works either, and they're all on HER side:mad:

 

Traitors...

[Island Girl]

Well, we mad up I guess. I can't believe she actually got me to say I'm sorry to her. It sickens me and I think, no, I know a relationship like this is really bad for me. The problem is that I can't bring myself to just tell her to f**k off. Too much emotional baggage I guess. Either way I slice it though I still come to the conclusion that she doesn't now nor ever did respect me. I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter and I'm tired of her blowing me off.

 

Can anyone tell me why she treats me like this and what i can do to free myself? I've tried, but somehow she is able to just pull me back so easily. It doesn't help that we have a lot of mutual friends gumming up the works either, and they're all on HER side:mad:

 

Traitors...

 

She keeps treating you like this because you ALLOW her to!

 

If it happens again - it is your fault. I hate to be so blunt but my gosh guy wake up!

 

No she doesn't respect you and you are effecting your own self-respect at this point as well.

 

You can make it better by standing up for yourself.

 

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU APOLOGIZED TO HER EITHER!

You had already done more than enough for writing the letter (in fact you had every right to write down your feelings having been dumped by her for another guy).

 

 

I am trying to tell you - I have been this girl and I have taken advantage of the men who have loved me and hurt them in extremely painful ways.

 

I did not respect these men. They did not have any self-respect or if they did they would sacrifice it to "show me how much they cared about me" as if that would change the way I saw them. Like suddenly I would say "look how great he is! He'd do anything for me!" and suddenly appreciate them more.

 

It doesn't work that way. It is the opposite.

 

A person who behaves and draws lines for preservation of their self-respect gets respect from those that care about him/her.

 

You have allowed her to mistreat you continuously. Shame on you! You are worth so much more than that and you deserve friends and a girlfriend who appreciate you.

 

I can tell you that all day long but until YOU believe it and act like it (meaning you don't put up with bad behavior) you destined to relive this situation again and again.

 

Your choice.

 

And who cares what the friends think?! It isn't happening to them and if they have an opinion so what. Let them think what they want. If they take it upon themselves to not be friends with you or be angry with you for something that is none of their business it is their problem.

 

Start doing things that will help you feel good about yourself and when you make up your mind that you won't go through this again, you won't.

[Cub]

She keeps treating you like this because you ALLOW her to!

 

If it happens again - it is your fault. I hate to be so blunt but my gosh guy wake up!

 

No she doesn't respect you and you are effecting your own self-respect at this point as well.

 

You can make it better by standing up for yourself.

 

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU APOLOGIZED TO HER EITHER!

You had already done more than enough for writing the letter (in fact you had every right to write down your feelings having been dumped by her for another guy).

 

 

I am trying to tell you - I have been this girl and I have taken advantage of the men who have loved me and hurt them in extremely painful ways.

 

I did not respect these men. They did not have any self-respect or if they did they would sacrifice it to "show me how much they cared about me" as if that would change the way I saw them. Like suddenly I would say "look how great he is! He'd do anything for me!" and suddenly appreciate them more.

 

It doesn't work that way. It is the opposite.

 

A person who behaves and draws lines for preservation of their self-respect gets respect from those that care about him/her.

 

You have allowed her to mistreat you continuously. Shame on you! You are worth so much more than that and you deserve friends and a girlfriend who appreciate you.

 

I can tell you that all day long but until YOU believe it and act like it (meaning you don't put up with bad behavior) you destined to relive this situation again and again.

 

Your choice.

 

And who cares what the friends think?! It isn't happening to them and if they have an opinion so what. Let them think what they want. If they take it upon themselves to not be friends with you or be angry with you for something that is none of their business it is their problem.

 

Start doing things that will help you feel good about yourself and when you make up your mind that you won't go through this again, you won't.

 

I know, I've tried to bolster my own self respect in the past but somehow I always come out the same. Is there anything specific I can do that might help?

[Island Girl]

I know, I've tried to bolster my own self respect in the past but somehow I always come out the same. Is there anything specific I can do that might help?

 

First thing is I would stop the behavior that you know is destructive to your self-esteem and self-respect.

 

Just doin that will help.

 

But maybe start a thread for the guys out ther to help -- I'm sure they'll know more what to do as far as guys are concerned.

 

I really hope the best for you.

[RecordProducer]

What do I do?!

Write another letter and send it to her again by accident. This time say all the things you want to say.

 

Oh, basically the letter was just me yelling at her for the way she dumped me for another guy.

Very nice. So she thinks you're supposed to eat the crap and say "Mmmmm, it's soooo delicious!"? Of course you were hurt and angry.