Emotional Affair???

[Tender_Heart]

I think my boyfriend is having an emotional affair... but that term is new to me so I'm not sure. Can anyone offer some advice? And more importantly, do emotional affairs ever lead to real ones?

 

Here is the situation: My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. A few months ago, he met a girl that he used to email romantically for the first time. Before he and I became involved, they had an intense email relationship but his intensity scared her off. They became "just friends" and barely wrote, just a couple of lines once a month. When she visited our area, he met her for coffee strictly "as a friend."

Since they met, he has begun emailing her twice a day (looong letters) which he thinks I don't know about. As ashamed as I am to admit this, I have read a few of them. He talks to her in a way that is alien to me-- he is NOT an open, emotional guy but he tells her his inner thoughts and feelings and how unhappy he is. How he "doesn't feel like himself" and wants to begin "a new chapter." Her emails to him are very warm, loving, understanding and senusal. She does not appear to think of him as "just a friend." What hurts me even more is that he is hiding this from me. Is this an emotional affair? Is there a way that I can find out if he wants to leave me for this girl he only knows through email and coffee without sounding over-reactive and paranoid? Why would he be so secretive?

[Curmudgeon]

In a word, "Yes!" He's having an emotional affair and since the two of you have a relationship, he's practicing emotional infidelity.

 

Emotional affairs are actually more "dangerous" than physical affairs because they go deep into the emotions. They're also harder to break off.

 

He's not likely to openly broach this subject and discuss it with you. That's why he's hiding it. What he may do, at some point in time, is try to ease out of your relationship with every excuse in the world ("I have come to realize I'm really not ready to commit." "I need some space." I think we need to take a break from each other and figure out what we really want." "I think you can do better than me and I owe it to you to give you that opportunity.") except the real reason.

 

You can confront him and you might get the truth, but I wouldn't count on it. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[Trialbyfire]

I concur. It's an emotional affair. Please read the attached article and get him to read it too, so he understands what it is.

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14287231/

[dropdeadlegs]

You bet it's an emotional affair.

 

Why should you be concerned about overreacting or appearing paranoid? Is it because you found out in a less tan desirable way (ie:sneaky?) I don't think that matters at this point.

 

I admit that I used to check my BF's cell phone TM's and found nothing, but that was because I was feeling insecure. Now that I feel very secure I can't imagine doing that. But when I was feeling insecure it was because he was honest with me in the past and I was insecure even though he was doing everything to make me feel secure. It took a couple of months before I was ready to believe that he was honest and then I felt secure.

 

You say that his emails speak of his unhappiness, is this unhappiness within your relationship?

 

I would confront him about this no matter how you happen to know about the emails. I would demand that the email relationship stop or else you are out of there.

 

You deserve better and can find better.

[Island Girl]

He is having an emotional affair and the most hurtful dangerous part that speaks so LOUDLY is that he is so open and sharing with her but he isn't with you.

 

This is something that has to stop or it is time to walk.

 

There is no fixing what is broken between the two of you while his inner most thoughts and feelings are being shared elsewhere.

 

I am so sorry for your suffering. Be glad you know - but don't just wait for the other shoe to drop. This kind of infidelity will only pull him further and further away the longer it goes on.

 

Most of the time these kinds of 'relationships' fail because because the reality of day to day life is not evident as much as the e-mails share mental and emotional things.

 

He is being ridiculous in sinking so much of himself into that when he has you right there with him willing to listen and share as well. And you know the him that is day to day -- the bad moods, the bad habits, etc.!

 

Figure out a way you can confront it with him even if you must tell him you 'snooped'. You did it because you felt a shift in the relationship and he wasn't talking to you or sharing about it. - That would make anyone insecure.