Should I Hold On?

[calis]

Well here is my situation: ( a bit long winded)

 

I met a girl on a road trip at the end of 2000 about 6 months after a tough end to a five year relationship for me. We hit it off and instantly connected on so many levels. We kept in contact and it turns out she was moving to the city where I live. She is from the country so this was a big change for her. She found it very difficult for a while but eventually seemed to be able to cope. She first raised the idea of marrage to me and we talked about it a number of times. In Setp of 2001 I proposed and we got engaged.

 

We where all set and exited about getting married when she told me she wasnt sure and needed some time to re-evaluate. We didnt see each other for about 1 week while she decided. We kind of agreed that the relationship should be all or nothing which was a dangerous thing to say in hindsite. She went home and chilled out with her family for the weekend. She came back and decided we would continue on.

 

Come 4 weeks ago she called me to say she cant marry me, EVER!. It came right out of left field but I knew something was up the entire week leading up to it. After much emotion and attempts at getting her to explain it to me why she is doing this she said a few weeks later that she needs to do a few things first and be less dependent on me. She also needed more space and wasnt ready to commit yet. She is quite young 20 and Im 25.

 

We where spending most of our spare time together, which was too much really. She says she just wants to be friends and not to wait for her. She said she still loves me and we have the same connection that we always have had. It now feels like "Friends with privilages" but its too difficult.

 

She is moving back home in about 4 weeks and Im not sure whats happening after that. It may be a good time for her to re-assess without the pressure of the city and me. I love her so much and there was nothing overtly "wrong" with the relationship. Her family loves me and was really stoked on the whole thing. I can still see us together in the future and we are actually getting closer because of this which is weird. I would go wherever she wants to go.

 

Forgot to mention. She was always supporting everything I did and put out alot of her time out for me. Im a very busy person most of the time. She would write me beautiful letters, and as time went on she would start to mention that she wasnt seeing me much but that it was all good and she was happy that I was doing what i was doing and that she supported me. Trouble was I wasnt really pulling my end of the deal and giving her back the time she diserved and put into me. This wasnt a reflectoin of how I felt about her, just my tendancy to get busy and selfish with it.

 

She is able to tell me what she is thinking in letters better then talking, but, since breaking up her verbale expresion of her feelings is getting better and we are able to talk on a deeper level.

 

Should I wait for her???. I dont plan on putting my life on hold but definalty my heart for a while.

 

What should i do!!???

[Tony T]

She has told you she won't marry you, EVER. Take her at her word.

 

I've learned the hard way NOT to hope that people will change their mind. Deal with reality as it comes and deal firmly and appropriately.

 

You don't need to be chummy friends with this girl. She is confused and not even close to being ready for a long term relationship with anybody. I don't think any of your behavior was a factor in her feelings. She is just way too young and inexperienced to be settling down.

 

I strongly urge you, for the sake of your own feelings, to let her go and move on to the healing process and then to a relationship that may be a lot more promising for you.

 

Romance isn't supposed to mean struggling with feelings and confusion. Sure, people who care about each other have problems but they deal with them together and they don't have anything to do with each other's committment to the other.

 

Forget her!!!

[calis]

Thanks Tony,

 

I hear what your saying. She told me she could never marry me in a faily emotional state when she first told me. Since then its never come up again, but, she did say later "dont wait for me".

 

It was also really confusing because she also said she wants to just be friends until she gets a few things in her life done and sorted out. She does have a few particular things she wants to do, study etc, and once there started she said she will see how she feels. I feel thats kind of a easy way of saying "where breaking up" without saying it. It also instills false hope which is tough.

 

Im also meeting up with her Dad in a couple of days to just catch up since this has happened (hes 8 hours away). We get along really well and he was really keen on us being together. Its more of a "healing" thing for me and not really a hope thing that Im seeing him. Kind of tighing up loose ends if you know what I mean.

 

Im all about the healing process but what happens when you are both really close? She calls me and I rarely call her (a rule I have). She still calls for advise and pours her heart out to me about other things in her life. This makes it even harder but I cant just cut her off. My unconditional love wont let me. Plus, not that I feel the responsibility is mine, but I dont want to "damage" her in this period by saying or doing something that may effect future relationships with other people.

 

?????

[Tony T]

You make many mistakes.

 

Nothing you can say or do can damage her. Only her decisions can damage her. Don't think you have so much power in her life.

 

First, you shouldn't be so chummy with her dad. If you are, you don't need to bring him up to date about your relationship. This really pisses women off when you take personal stuff over to their parents. Not only is it very wrong, but it is classless and juvenile. If she wants to discuss things with her mom and dad, let her do it.

 

Secondly, your being played for a sucker. Feels are very state specific. When she gets over her problems in a year or two or whenever, she won't give you the time of day. When her act is finally together, she will want to look for a MAN who knows how to handle her. You are way way way way way way way way way way way way way too nice for her or any woman. Women don't want to be treated like delicate fabric.

 

For your own sake, you need to get away from this lady. Telling you she just wants to be friends is a lot of crap. That's the way women try to circumvent the guilt they feel when they tell a guy to hit the road. They seldom mean it. And if you weren't there to call to whine about her problems (such a dysfunction) she'd find somebody else real fast. That friends thing is a bunch of bunk...and you'll find out soon enough.

 

You better get this love stuff straight real fast. It's not as soft and fuzzy as you might think. OH, it can be but you have to have romance with somebody who is emotionally together...and ESPECIALLY somebody who wants to have a romance with you and not be just friends.

 

You're making a grave mistake by putting your life on hold but you're just another case of a guy having to find out the hard way. Hell, I did so why should you be any different.

 

Don't let females you really care for whine on your shoulder about life and want to be friends.....YUK, your idea of friendship is pretty warped.

 

There are some great relationships out there to be had but unfortunately lots of other guys will be having them while you wait around to get screwed over by this gal who is trying to give you a message you just don't want to receive.

 

Poor lady! and/or poor you! Somebody's gonna get the shaft here!

[calis]

Well I wont be putting my life on hold, just my heart which means Im giving all romantic relationships a miss for a while. If, within this time period we dont stay friends, get back together, or whatever, then Im not going to break my heart over it.

 

Also, she knows about me hanging out with her Dad and we have spoken about it. Im not going to him to bring him up to date with the relationship. How could I. He knows her more then anyone does. He owns her!. I think its curtious and under the circumstances he may be able to shed more light on it for me. Im not seeing him to whine, find sympathy, or get an upper-hand. I truely value the relationship we have and I dont belive in just walking away from people. But thats just me and Im aware it doesnt apply for everyone.

 

I agree with the guilt thing. Women are good at it and try to work around feeling it, but is anyone really "emotionally together" with everything?. We ll have our moments.

 

"Don't let females you really care for whine on your shoulder about life and want to be friends.....YUK, your idea of friendship is pretty warped"

Then whats it all about? Treat em' mean to keep em' keen? or is there no such thing as a "friendship" with women?

 

I do agree with "getting away" from her. But not entirly. Geographically the time apart will help me get over her, beause I know I need too. Dont think I dont.

 

Im not only concerned about romatic love in this relationship but also the biblical aspect of love which is love is patient, kind, does not anger, hopes all things, endures all things, and never fails. (Please dont take that out of context)

 

I tend to learn things the hard way :-)