wife out of love, anyone been there

[broadway]

Please bare with me, I will give you some history. I'm 33 and my wife is 30. We've been married for 5yrs and have two boys( 1 and 3 ).I work as a tech and she is a waitress. We own a nice home, two cars and a dog. You would think we would be happy. We have always had our ups and downs but after the second child it was alot more downs than ups. The second child was very stressfull being that the doctors thougth possible downs synd, dwarfism, and other problems.

 

My wife had an amnio done and everything came out neg. Although the news was good, the damage was done and it put a horrible stress on our marrige (possible abortion which I hope nobody ever has to choose). My wife worked as an accountant assistant until our first son was born and then about 6 months later got a waitress job because the hours worked for us and she needed a life outside the home plus the contribution made her feel good and we could use the money.

 

The same held true with the second child, worked until the baby came then waited 6 months and got another waitress job. But the second job was at a local bar/restuarant which she loved but stated that they were all trash and younger and she didnt have much in common with them.This is the part where I would like someone to tell me if I am being an ass or if my complaints are valid. After she got established there and got to know people I noticed she would come home at least once a week smelling of booze. She worked three nights a week but when she came home she would usually want sex. At the time I wasnt going to complain until about a month into it when she was coming home later and later.

 

When I said I didnt think she should be going out as much as she does she got real defensive and said its only a couple of drinks with the girls. Thats fine but every week, sometimes twice. As you can imagine the sex stopped and there was tension between us. Then her friends called the house at 10:00 at night, because of the kids there was a no call rule after 7:00. And if anybody called, she would let them or me know. When I asked her to tell them not to call so late she got nasty and defended them stating they didnt have her cell #. Once a 19 yr old guy called the house at night to ask her to buy beer.

 

She thought it was funny but I didnt see the humor. Lets face it, a 19yr old guy doesnt call a married womens house with 2 kids at 10:00 at night unless she has a different persona at work than she does at home. One day I found a pack of cigarettes in her apron when moving it from one car to the other, when I confronted her about it she got defensive and said why are you going through my stuff. Now she knows how much I disapprove of smoking which is why I told her she has to quit if she wants to have children.One day she said she was at her girlfriends boyfriends house looking through his closet for proof of him cheating, are you kidding me, what are you 15yrs old.

 

Now my wife refuses to wear lingere for me, I have to beg her just to wear sexy underwear. But for halloween she dressed for work as a sexy school girl. That really hurt my feelings that the first chance she gets to wear something sexy at work she jumps when if I asked her she would have laughed. More and more things happened that all revolved around her job. I asked her one night if she loved me anymore and she said no, I havent loved you for some time. But a week before we hugged and kissed and she said she loved me. I tried to give her some space so she was going to work over the weekend and stay at her parents house, only to find out she stayed at her new friends house. For the past two months I have got no sleep in the spare room and my holidays have been ruined while she sleeps like a baby and gives me the " I dont know" what to do line.

 

I told her to **** or get off the pot but it doesnt help. The last straw was when she came home drunk from her xmas party and my 3 yr old fell asleep in bed with her. Sleeping down the hall I heard a gag sound and ran into the bedroom only to find my 3 yr old choking on his own vomit which was everywhere while she was still sleeping. As you can imagine I went off on her. Im not saying I am perfect because Im not. But is it time for me to move on? sorry so long, any advice would be appreciated.

[Ladyjane14]

....is it time for me to move on? sorry so long, any advice would be appreciated.

 

No, I wouldn't think so. There's some fairly disrespectful behavior going on, but it doesn't seem so bad that it can't be fixed.

 

For your part... I think it's important to recognize that your wife is a thirty year old woman. She's an adult, and she's going to make her own choices. So, she's going to pick her own friends and her own job, and she's going to decide what time is appropriate for people to call her on the phone or if she wants to sit down for a drink after she gets off work.

 

She's going to occasionally step in sh*t and make the wrong choice too. Sounds to me like it's becoming something of a habit for her.

But still, these choices are hers to make and YOU will be accused of trying to "control" her when you interfere. Just like you want the freedom to make your own choices... so does she.

 

I make this point to you not to bust your chops as if you were doing something wrong, but rather to make you aware that you've drawn a big-ass bullseye on your forehead.

 

If you look at it from your wife's perspective... she's thirty years old and has two little babies, squalling and pooping and sticking beans or crayons up their noses during the day. Then she goes to work... and there's gossip and excitement, people looking up to her because she's older and more experienced. There's hard work but lots of laughing and joking too. And most importantly, she gets to take off her 'mommy' and 'wife' hats and be independant for awhile.

 

Problem is... that people really do sometimes go astray in that kind of environment. They lose their focus and fail to prioritize correctly. This is where the two of you need help.

 

Drawing that big bullseye on your forehead just directs her frustration to you. The 'acting out' that she's doing is most likely a direct result of her inner frustration with the way her life is turning out. Yes... healthy kids and a nice husband, house, dog, and minivan ought to be satisfying enough to make us happy. And yet, if we aren't fulfilling the person that we are inside when we've taken all our "hats" off, we aren't content.

 

I'd say that your best bet is marriage counseling at this point. You two aren't sleeping together and you aren't communicating well. A third party can break the ice and hopefully get you talking and LISTENING to each other again.

 

Failing that, you might try some home studies. It's a bit more challenging to be patient with each other (because people tend to work at different paces with different levels of intensity)... but if you're both motivated for change, you can still get quite alot out of it. I would recommend The Five Love Languages by Chapman and Love Busters by Harley to start with.

 

I want to reiterate that you're NOT wrong to be concerned and upset by all this. Don't think for a minute that you are. You have some big problems to deal with in the home. But in a way, you're fighting fire with more fire. What you want.... is WATER.

 

Possibly the best way to douse the heat would be to represent yourself as a person who wants to encourage your partner to make more headway in achieving her personal goals. Let's face it, little girls don't dream of being waitresses when they grow up.

So, maybe there's a way in which you can help her set up the parameters for healthier personal growth.....going back to school, developing a hobby into a small business, etc.

 

When you set yourself up in opposition, you've become an adversary. Set yourself up as a teammate instead... and suddenly you're within the inner circle.

 

Meanwhile, feel free to lay your ears back when it comes to the safety and welfare of the kids. Mom shouldn't be trying to watch them when she's drunk. Let her know if she's been drinking, she needs to leave the kids with you... no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

[norajane]

Sounds like she's tired of being mommy and taking a trip back to irresponsible party land. It sounds like it's more than just a phase and it's becoming a way of life for her.

 

Tell her you two need to go to marriage counseling or your marriage is in serious trouble and you are heading for divorce. Make the appointment with a counselor and go by yourself even if she won't go with you.

[Gunny376]

Par the course Lady Jane nailed it on the head. And, I agree with a significant part of what she posted.

 

(And now for the "Yea, but................)

 

As knowledgeable, well read, informed as LJ is ~ she's not a man. She's never been a husband. I read your post and LJ's post, and I've got Bad Company's "I'm A Man!" rocking in my head, the one that goes:

 

"I'm a man! I've got my pride! I don't need 'no' woman hurtin' me inside!"

 

Lady Jane is point on, in that if you start 'rearin your back" up at the DW, your going to get your hat handed to you. Then you've got 'pride" working against "pride" If you start laying down the law to the DW, just go ahead and pack your bags, party's over. Just go ahead and stumble and fumble down to the nearest package store and mumble for them to just give your ass a half gallon of anything! It doesn't matter!

 

Your going to have to break this down into its component parts. Just like at work there are minor offenses, major offenses, and intollerable offenses.

 

Minor ~ calling after seven

 

Major ~ buying alcohol for a minor. (that's taking the coin out of your hand and out of the babies hands, and literally out of their mouth

 

Intollerable ~ Getting so drunk she can't tend to the babies.

 

I'd tell her:

 

You do what you've got to do, and I'll do what I've got to do. You do what you want to do, because in the end I've no control over that! But, I will step up to the plate and protect my own self interests and the interests of thses children, and the interests of this family. And, if that is contary to what you want ~ so be it!

 

Meanwhile ~ back at the ranch Grandmaw was fighting off the Injuins. I would be documenting, documenting, and documenting and building a case against the wife. I would become very much pro-active and less re-active to the wife. I don't give a damn if she's sleeping with every clown on the Atlanta Falcons. I'd be cool about it!

 

There's Pre-divorce, Divorce, and Post Divorce. The part that you need to be concentrating on is Post Divorce.

 

Hopefully it will never come to that! Hopefully, you and the wife will get on board with marriage counseling. Hopefully you and the wife will get the education that you need to be successfully married.

 

My problem with "hope" is that in my book if falls in the same category as "if"

 

My definition of "if"?

 

"If grasshoppers could handle a .45 caliber pistol, ~ Crows wouldn't **** with them! But, they can't so they do!"

[Guest]

people must remember that not everyone is in the same space as u think they are. for example, my ex gf was 4 years younger than me. she has been in LTR all her life. at some point, even those dreams of a normal family life [while thru] will drive u nuts, if u never had a break, to live on yer own, do things u never had the chance too. so, because i had already done that and she did, i told her [proactive man i am], look, go get yer own place, chillax for a year or so, do what u need to do - totally control of yer own life, and when or if u wanna start something new and special avec moi - give me a dingle. now, would it bother me if she did a little shagging during that time - of course, but part of giving them freedom is giving COMPLETE FREEDOM and being secure and assuring them - that what u were giving and there is nothing to worry about. I did that. never saw her again. hey, you win some you lose some but as long as you love the person for who they are - u always win.

[broadway]

Lets get the most important thing straight, I would never buy a minivan!!!! Just kidding, you guys and girls rock. Just reading your advice helps make me realize my and her issues that need to be adressed. We had a counseling session tonight and in the beginning she was 100% that she didnt love me, wanted out and not want me around. I must admit it is hard to swallow. After some talk she agreed to try a live in seperation, which is pretty much what we had anyway but I will not hound her as to **** or get off the pot. Instead I will concentrate on myself.

 

It will be hard not to talk but I am better than before because I feel that there is a goal. With the third party you tend to not yell I guess because you dont want to make an ass out of yourself. There were some bitter words but it was kept under control. With the help of your and the counselors advice I can now concentrate on myself which should hopefully benefit us so at least if we did seperate we could at least be in the same room for the sake of our kids. I am very hopefull of our relationship and if she decides to leave at least I can look in the mirror and say I tried.

 

I do not live in a fantasy world and do still have my guard up as does she. I have another solo appointment next week and we have a joint appointment the week after. My children are my #1 priority. All I can do is hope for the best and expect the worst. Again this site rocks and helps in so many ways. Thanks for your input, anymore would be appreciated.

[Gunny376]

people must remember that not everyone is in the same space as u think they are. for example, my ex gf was 4 years younger than me. she has been in LTR all her life. at some point, even those dreams of a normal family life [while thru] will drive u nuts, if u never had a break, to live on yer own, do things u never had the chance too. so, because i had already done that and she did, i told her [proactive man i am], look, go get yer own place, chillax for a year or so, do what u need to do - totally control of yer own life, and when or if u wanna start something new and special avec moi - give me a dingle. now, would it bother me if she did a little shagging during that time - of course, but part of giving them freedom is giving COMPLETE FREEDOM and being secure and assuring them - that what u were giving and there is nothing to worry about. I did that. never saw her again. hey, you win some you lose some but as long as you love the person for who they are - u always win.

 

 

Good post! Damn good post!

[Ladyjane14]

....if you start 'rearin your back" up at the DW, your going to get your hat handed to you. Then you've got 'pride" working against "pride" If you start laying down the law to the DW, just go ahead and pack your bags, party's over. Just go ahead and stumble and fumble down to the nearest package store and mumble for them to just give your ass a half gallon of anything! It doesn't matter!

 

Your going to have to break this down into its component parts. Just like at work there are minor offenses, major offenses, and intollerable offenses.

 

Minor ~ calling after seven

 

Major ~ buying alcohol for a minor. (that's taking the coin out of your hand and out of the babies hands, and literally out of their mouth

 

Intollerable ~ Getting so drunk she can't tend to the babies.

 

I'd tell her:

 

You do what you've got to do, and I'll do what I've got to do. You do what you want to do, because in the end I've no control over that! But, I will step up to the plate and protect my own self interests and the interests of thses children, and the interests of this family. And, if that is contary to what you want ~ so be it!

 

 

 

I agree.

 

You know, when I went through this period of defiance in my thirties... I pushed it pretty hard too. But I stopped short of "the line in the sand". I think it's important that a man (or woman for that matter) be very clear with their most absolute boundaries.

 

There most definately ARE "intolerable" infractions in a relationship. Deal-breakers. For example, I've never been unfaithful, because the consequences of that particular action are written in stone. Hell, there's not a doubt in my mind that I'd be handed my walking papers without so much as a backwards glance.

 

But I think it's also important that we don't patrol boundaries on the minimal infractions. Sure, make your preferences known... but keep BIG CONSEQUENCES limited to the deal-breakers.

 

There shouldn't even be any "boundaries" on the minimal infractions. In truth, when we put boundaries in place regarding our wants rather than limit them to our truest needs.... we ARE attempting to control our partner. So, while you're drawing up your personal '38th Parallel'... make sure you put it where you mean it.

 

This mini-melt down that your wife is going through is kind of a female midlife crisis. She's a bit ahead of schedule. Personally, I didn't get there until I was about 36 or so. But nevertheless, it's not a particularly rational place to be in your life.

 

Much like the male midlife crisis, we ask ourselves. "Is THIS all there is?". And when we evaluate our progress in terms of the dreams and goals we had in youth as opposed to where we are in life... we tend to want to blame the people closest to us for our own shortcomings. We're feeling trapped by our responsibilities and stifled in our individuality.

 

I remember it well. And I'll be honest with you when I say that my chief thought was this... "I'm a grown woman and NOBODY is going to tell me WTF to do. I don't know who he thinks he is... but he ain't my damned daddy!".

 

My advice to you is that you not only refrain from acting like "her daddy", but that you also address the mindset by refusing to let her pin blame on you. Don't let her make YOU into the authoritarian in her life that keeps her from doing what she wants to do. Tell her straight up, and often, that YOU aren't her father and you don't have any interest in getting crammed into that role.

 

In the meantime... really try to find ways that you two can open up healthier, more supportive communications. It's sooooo important that you both adopt an attitude of teamplay. Your marriage is the foundation upon which the family is built. When the marriage falls through the cracks... so does the family dynamic. So if you need help sorting all this out, get some.

[PCB]

Broadway,

 

Have you though that you wife may be cheating on you?

 

Something similar happened to me: my ex-wife would go to parties alone, demanded freedom and she would be in constant contact (even at 3am) with her male "friends." At one point she would tell me the she loves me, then a few days later that she doesn't know whether she loves me. Then that she doesn't know if she wants to stay with me... I didn't know what the hell was wrong. Now I know: she was cheating. We got divorced.

 

 

Best of luck,

PCB

[Gunny376]

"I'm a grown woman and NOBODY is going to tell me WTF to do. I don't know who he thinks he is... but he ain't my damned daddy!".

 

Mama!? Is that you? LOL!

 

Those are the exact words that my mother would say! LOL!

 

Another one she would tell me or a BF,

 

"First time company, second time habit! Get it yourself, you know where its at!"

[Gunny376]

"I'm a grown woman and NOBODY is going to tell me WTF to do. I don't know who he thinks he is... but he ain't my damned daddy!".

 

I know of this 26 year old daughter of a retired Marine Gunny who somewhat has this attitude ~ and Hell!? I am her Daddy! I can advise, recommend, and suggest ~ but in the end she's Hell bound and bent for leather to do things her way!

 

When my DSIL got out of the Army and was looking at getting a job with the FAA as an ATC (Air Traffic Controller) in Eagle Puke Arizona, she told him:

 

"You go ahead and go and do whatever it is you want to do, and feel is necessary! Your son and I will be here in Alabama ~ I'm NOT leaving my family!"

 

In all honesty, she and her brother got a double dose of bull-headness from both her mother and father. Both she and I have a bit alligator turtle in us! (For those that aren't from the South ~ if an alligator turtle snaps down on your finger ~ they WON'T let go they say until thunder strikes ~ even after you cut their heads off!!! Mean bastards!)

[Ladyjane14]

 

Mama!? Is that you? LOL!

 

Those are the exact words that my mother would say! LOL!

 

:lmao: Southern women. What's a man to do? We're a stubborn bunch.