why do i keep messing up?

[sazza]

I have blown it with a very good friend.

i become good friend to him after he split up with his ex gf. he think i was the one who already made it happened when it was not true! i didnt know how i felt abt him at that time. it was like two or 3 months later when i text him or email him and explain how i felt.

 

what happened i got closer to him and he asked me how i felt abt it. i already knew in my heart that i already like him and did love him alot! i wanted to talk but i find things so difficult to talk. i dont know why - everytime i want to talk - i froze!

 

I went further with him on few occassions. He gave me so many chances cos i did talk behind his back but in the end i was honest with him to tell him wot people has been saying to me about him. I was jealous and cant help it at all.

 

Two months ago he suggest we could be lovers and that really never happened. we met up and he said he was bringing his ex lover to stay with him. he said he could tell i was upset etc. of course i was upset because i started to realised he couldnt never change. he upset me on that night by saying he could have got me pregnant etc. I was v upset and hurt so i decided to go out and get drunk. I text him an awful text message. he completely ignored me for next two weeks. Then i saw him in a club where we had an events. he said to me to stop stalking him and ask if i was ok. i wouldnt talk to him cos he ignored me for two weeks! He seems to forget that i had some good friends around me at that time!

 

Now I keep texting him all the time when i dont know why. i think it is because i knew i blew it when i could have kept my mouth shut. I was thinking how he wanted me to react to try and break it off with me. He even text my mum to tell her the friendship is over and to my friend including a friend that i had a fling with who know him very well. I threaten to tell this friend everything abt him. I never did in the end cos there is no point. a few weeks ago he was angry that i told his friend on what he said to me.. i tho he was out of order hence me telling this person when i should havent done it! he told me to not to text or email him anymore. i was thinking why should i when i already knew the friendship wouldnt last anymore as i told him this before. now he is calling me very fat and very ugly etc. that doesnt bother me when i know he wanted to hurt me by saying that but it hasnt worked!

I can be strong person when i want to but i am too weak in so many ways. his friend told me that we can see each other in secret etc but i did think it was a bad idea and i shld have known better it was to spy on me!

i been going for counselling on things but i dont know will that help me out or not. i just rather talk to him but he wont and refused to do it after wot i done. i dont blame him at all. it is the prinicipal of hurting people when not thinking out what the other person is feeling. i know i went too far on the the text message on him esp over xmas.

Now i am having to leave college cos my funding probably finish this month. it feel like my life is over when i didnt want it to. I know I will never contact or see him again and that is the hardest part cos he said if we bump into each other we will be polite and civil - that seems so unfair after what we went tho. I know he is having a hard time but i was there to listen etc. He is a good man.

I am just fed up and cos of my intelligency I know I blew it and he was one of best to have as a friend and to have some fun of course lol

I know i have to move on but it is not easy at all!

hope this is the right forum!