This guy intentionally trying to CREEP me out?

[wunderbug]

Okay...back about 8 months ago, I met a guy through the online personals (not in person, we never did meet). Lives in the same area as I do. We'd talked on the phone a couple of times. He seemed nice but a little arrogant, and I could tell (or that was the vibe I got) that he was a pretty pushy guy....I'm always turned off by pushy people..particularly those you meet online who want to push you into immediately meeting in person. Always gives me the willies.

 

He'd write me these big long emails, very articulate, trying to be so funny, being extra-complimentary...almost to the point of laying it on wayyy too thick. I just didn't know how to read this guy, so although he seemed like a guy with his head on straight/a good catch, there was something stopping me from going forward and actually meeting him. His pushiness really turned me off, I think.

 

 

Shortly after that, I ended up meeting the guy I dated for 4-5 months. I hadn't been communicating with (let's call pushy guy "JIM") at all. This past January or February, Jim had called me up one afternoon, out of the blue, while the guy I was dating was over. I saw his name on my caller ID, and didn't pick up, really had no need to. I listened to his voicemail message. Strangely enough, he addressed my by my full name (eg: Sally Winkawonka lol). That creeped me out. It was almost as if he wanted to let me know that he KNEW my last name (which is a rare one, and I never disclose my name to people I meet online, in my email, etc..unless it's work related). I remember remarking to the guy I was dating at the time, how creepy it was that he knew my last name. Of course, he COULD have known it because the time we'd talked on the phone, I suppose I could have called him and he'd have seen it on the caller ID?

 

OR.....he could possibly have learned it through the type of work he does. He works for Canada's equivalent of the IRS. Plus at the time, he did some undercover work for another government agency, catching, well, crooks of a certain type. SO basically, the guy likely has access to all kinds of databases and ways to find out a person's personal info. I tried not to let my imagination get the better of me, so chalked it up to him just having a really good memory, and having seen it on his caller ID, many months previous.

 

Anyway, I have always wondered about this guy, from time to time. We did have an awful lot in common......and our talks on the phone were entertaining, stimulating and enjoyable. He's got a lot going for himself (educated, intelligent, goal-oriented, independent, hard working, attractive, etc). I happened to come across his personal ad at the same place, last week. As before, his profile was amusing and well-written.....and if I hadn't known him (well, as much as I did know him), I'd have responded..cuz he seemed like a guy (based on his profile) who had his 'act together.'

 

My curiosity got the best of me. Seeing how we'd been on friendly terms back when we first met, and had some really good 'email conversations' about things, I decided to just drop him a quick, witty email..to say hello. I'd signed it, "Your Friend, Sally." (just pretend my name is Sally)

 

Well! What I got back was a rather scathing reply..going on and on about how I'm "no friend at all"...and him accusing me of playing games...it was nasty! I was shocked, to say the least. I don't like to fight, so I wrote back and explained why we'd lost touch, that I'd dated someone back in the winter (and had been in a relationship when he'd phoned me then), and that basically, I found him to be a little too pushy, in terms of wanting to meet.....and that I'm cautious, bla bla bla.

 

Well, he writes me back, a rather smug tone...saying something like, "Hmmmm...well you have a great long weekend, Sally." That was this past Thursday. I decided to chalk this dude up to being a nutcase and had no intention of ever contacting him again.

 

Well, just now, I receive an email from him. Now he's all in a friendly mood and wanting to 'start over' (HUH?)

 

"Hiya Sally Winkawonka,

 

 

Are you still pissed at me? Perhaps we can we start anew. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to!

 

 

Jim

 

This is a total far cry from the nasty email he'd last sent me. He's like Jeykll and Hyde.

 

What creeps me out, again..is the fact that he used my "full name" to address me. Now some might say I'm paranoid, but I think it's a little creepy that he did that. It's like he's trying to let me know that he KNOWS IT. Personally, even if he DID get my last name from his caller ID, way back 6-8 months ago (closer to 8 months), what did he do, commit it to memory? It's a unique name, and most don't remember how to spell it. Considering we'd only talked on the phone a couple of times, had never even met in person (didn't even date).....it just seems creepy to me that he's going out of his way to let me know he knows my last name. Who addresses someone they don't really know, in an email, by their FULL NAME? It's strange, don't you think?

 

I've gone back into my sent box (email), and there's never EVER been a time that I replied to him with my last name in there. Ever.

 

I likely should have posted this first, before responding to his mail this morning....to see what you'd all say/how to react/reply to this...but my first impulse (which I did) was to write him back and ask him what he was trying to prove...trying to creep me out? trying to intimidate me?

 

I guess what creeps me out, too, is the line of work he's in. Having my last name, he can look up my tax records....get access to anything he wants about me....social insurance number, all the places I've worked in the past, what my income's been for the past however many years, where i LIVE (address), etc. Now of course, he'd be very wrong to access info about me this way, to abuse his position and such.....but that doesn't say he WON'T do it.

 

I definitely want nothing to do with this freak, he's shown his true colors. But I'm majorly creeped out. If he wanted to be a dick, he could likely get back at my 'disinterest' and see to it that I get audited or something. Who knows?

 

What are your thoughts? Does it sound to you, also, like he's going out of his way to let me know he "knows" my last name?..in other words, he knows my personal info? Get what I'm saying here?

[BeReal]

Yeah, this guy does sound a little weird. What you don't understand is that it's easy to get someone's name and address from their phone number. There are many reverse phone directories on the internet. I don't think it's unusual that he remembered your last name. He probably liked you and when you like someone you tend to remember those things. From what you've said it doesn't sound like he's harassing you.

 

It's unclear from your post but it sounds like you kind of just brushed this guy off before by ignoring him. If that is true then I can understand his anger. He likes you and you just brush him off without an explanation. Then one day you decide to make contact again. A lot of people send messages this way but I am the type of person that hates it and wishes the person would have just been direct. Maybe he is like this too.

 

I don't know why you contacted this guy if he creeps you out so much. If you don't want to go out with this guy then politely tell him so in an email. If you want to have some other sort of relationship with him, then ask him about it.

[midori]

I think that BeReal has hit it on the head. It sounds like he did like you a lot, and to be honest I don't think that meeting someone you've met through the online personals is all that strange or incautious, especially if you've had multiple telephone conversations and seem to have a good vibe. Which is not to say that you shouldn't have followed your instincts, but I don't think that his wish to meet should, in and of itself, be interpreted as pushiness or over-eagerness.

 

I'm sure you didn't mean to have it come across as game playing but I think that in his shoes that's how I would interpret it too. It kind of sounds like you're looking for an excuse to be annoyed with this guy. On the one hand you've got all these wonderful things in common, and he looks good on paper ... but something is holding you back, and you're assuming it must be something about him. I'm not saying you should suppress your instinct and just go ahead with him, but you might want to ask yourself what's really going on. Is there something within you that might lead you to subconsciously sabotage promising relationships? I can't tell from what you've written, but at the same time I can see that this guy has behaved well within the bounds of normal behavior. Why are you inclined to put such a negative spin on it?

[Ally Boo]

This guy seems kinda scary. I'd be scared about what else he might do, so I'd just kinda slowly back away so that you won't cause another unpredictable reaction.

[wunderbug]

First of all, there's no way he could have gotten my last name from any reverse directory: my number is unlisted, and through my job, I'm familiar with pretty much all of them....and I've plugged in my name in the past, and recently, and I never come up.

 

Whenever I talk to someone I've met through the personals, I *always* block my number (in case they have caller ID..if I don't, it sorta defeats the purpose of having an unlisted #)...being a single woman who's met real psychopaths online before, I never give out my number to anyone...if they want to talk to me, I'll call them. If they have a problem with that, then I'm outta there.

 

So to be truthful, I'm not even sure how he got my number, let alone my last name (which there are only 4 listings of, in the entire country/very strangely spelled, unique, difficult to remember the spelling name). Remember, at the time I'd met him online, his job was doing undercover investigations, related to his job at the IRS-like government agency he worked (and still does) for.

 

Some of you make it sound like I lead him on. Looking back at old emails, we only talked on the phone ONCE...for about 3 hours. I didn't string him along for days or weeks. I was not in any way obligated to meet up with him, just because we spoke once. And no, it's not unrealistic to expect someone to want to meet up with someone they've met online/emailed with/talked on the phone with........but this guy was unusually pushy, asking things like, "so when we meet, do I get a kiss? do I get a hug?"

I once met a guy through the personals who asked me up front if I "kissed on the first date"...I'd thought he was joking. On the first time we met, he was all over my like a flipping octopus, not appropriate..so yeah, I'm leary of guys who even have the nerve to bring up this kind of stuff, when ALL it is, is meeting casually for the first time, for coffee, etc. Not even a date.

 

If you were to know my last name, you would know that a person would really have to memorize the spelling of it...make a concerted effort to do so, to not only remember it, but spell it correctly. It's not Smith or Peters or Jones. For him to have remembered it after all this time, 8 months (he's not the greatest speller of even basic words), that says something.

 

I tried to brush it off, the time back in the winter when he left the voicemail, addressing me (a little boldly, like he'd known me for ages) by my first name. At the time, I was in a relationship, the guy I was dating was over, and I saw no need to make a big deal out of it, I just let it go, and didn't analyze too much, how he knew my name.

 

But now, here we go again.

 

I never lead him on, in fact I have an email in my sent box, from last November, when I told him he was being a little pushy. It's been my experience, with past relationships with guys I met through the personals, that the ones who came on really strong, who were extremely pushy to meet immediately (and when you said you didn't yet feel comfortable, or were busy...they'd poke fun at you and make you feel paranoid or guilty).....these turned out to be guys who were instant charmers who were looking for fast fun, and not to really take the time (where's the rush?) to get to know someone.

 

I'm currently dating someone I met off the personals. We've emailed a fair bit, and have talked on the phone several times. He's anxious to meet, and so am I, but he's a gentleman and keeps reminding me that when I'm 'ready' to meet, that will be fine with him, "no pressure." I respect and appreciate this. I am a little cautious, and shy....and I want to make sure we have enough in common to even warrant meeting. That's just the way I am. I don't meet guys just for the sake of killing time or filling up my dance card.

 

With Mr Weirdo, we had no relationship, period. Things didn't end on bad terms. We just drifted apart and he didn't even try to contact me. I actually figured he'd met someone and that's why I'd never heard from him again.

 

Yes, he had good qualities, but there were vibes there (hard to explain) that told me to be careful. But was I just being overcautious? Who knows? So...contacting him last week, just to say hello, seeing how I hadn't seem him on that personals site in many months, and seeing him there again.....I don't think I was out of line at all. No other guy who ever react like he has.....tearing a strip off of me, being sarcastic and accusatory......then a few days later, suddenly being all sweet and nice and asking if we can start over. He's like a Manic Depressive..hot one minute, cold the next. Obviously very moody.

 

Today he wrote me, accusing me of being paranoid (about the name thing, me asking what was up with that, naturally not telling me where he'd gotten my last name from)....a rather nasty email (yesterday it was a nice one, wanting to start over)...guess he was pissed that I didn't jump at the opportunity to "start anew".....Again, he's like Jeykll and Hyde...and perhaps I sensed this way back. I don't like unstable men who have tempers or anger problems or who flip out over little things.

 

Way back 8 or so months ago, one of his attempts at putting me on the spot to meet was an email saying something to the effect of, "Not going to ask you if we're going to meet, but WHEN AND WHERE"......very presumptuous, as if I had no say in the matter.

 

I don't play games with anyone. There's no need to. I think some of you have read me and this situation all wrong but hey, that's life :-)

[BeReal]

I just think this guy liked you a lot more than you liked him. It doesn't matter if there was a basis for it, he just did. Perhaps he saw the situation differently or played it out in his mind. You don't paint him in a good light and you think he's creepy. That is why I don't understand why you contacted him again. That is kind of leading him on unless you feel he wants to be your pen pal or something. He probably just wants to be left alone if you're not interested in him.

[wunderbugg]

For all I write, I sure must not make myself very clear :-)

 

It was until recently that I thought he was creepy (him addressing me with my full name). Back then, I just wasn't 'sure' about him, and was a little turned off by his pushiness....they are 2 different things. If I'd thought he was creepy all along, then duh, I wouldn't have sent a friendly 'hello' to him last week. Sheesh!

[midori]

Well, now that you know he's weird, surely you won't ever get in touch with him again. Delete his emails, don't reply. If he doesn't get a reponse from you he'll probably go back to whatever it was he was doing before you got in touch. There are lots of weird people, wherever you go. Lots of people with lots of issues. Just don't let them become yours!

[huntgoddess]

Those vibes you mentioned: trust them. Gut instinct is older, more reliable, and works much faster than logic. What seems mere vibe is supported by fact or logic when you look hard enough. I highly recomment THE GIFT OF FEAR by Gavin de Becker.

 

There are reasons why you feel the way you do about this person. Don't ask others to confirm what you should know better given that you have all the facts, and we don't. I have a hard time trusting my own instincts too, so I can understand why you are posting for confirmation. But really you know better than we.

 

From what you posted about this man, the only judgement I can safely make is that he behaves oddly enough for one to have caution. (not necessarily that he will do something or that he's dangerous)

 

It's not the fact that he remembers your last name that is odd to me, but the fact that he included it in his email, unless that's just the way he writes. I would not contact him again, but if you do or if he contacts you, be direct. Ask him all the questions you have asked us.

[Tony T]

Congratulations!!! Your post above, along with this entire ancient thread, is now securely stored in a corner of the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C. and will be on permanent exhibit along with all other pertified posts on this forum.

 

Did it ever occur to you that the person who started this thread may just have moved on? Even amoeba brains solve their individual probelms within six months or so and move on to new ones.

 

Why don't you write to: Abe Lincoln, White House, Washington, D.C. and see if you can help him with his depression?

[huntgoddess]

I hadn't glanced at the date.

 

Thanks for the laugh, even if it was sarcastic.

[huntgoddess]

Also: why are you checking on and responding to this message if it's so ancient??????