Author D-Lish Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 No Cali Guy, You've sensed things right. You've stumbled upon a confused individual who loves someone and feels guilty for it- a person who recognizes the ex is no good for her- yet still wants a second chance... a woman who buys a book about reconciliation- and counter reads with another about recovery. Somedays I'll have bouts of crying and moments of ephiphanies and self revelations. Ever had a period? Dont', if you can avoid it- because it's hell. lol. Yeah, CG, I'm confused. I'm in love, I'm in denial, and I'm human. Sometimes being human means allowing hurt into yor life. I guess I'm just trying to muddle through the hurt and confusion right now. Stupid hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
panzer6 Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Holy **** D! He actually contacted you! I wonder what caused him to do that? Maybe the holidays had something to do with it, I felt the same way, I wanted to call her and wish her Merry Christmas but I decided not to. Didn't hear a word from her at all. Oh well. The Arabs have a saying when someone is going through a bad time, they simply say, "May it pass quickly." Thats all I want now. Any way I am happy for you, I think you handled it quite well and I don't blame you for wanting him back. When you see him all those feelings come back and your hopes come back as well. Just be carefull and don't push too hard, he may be having second thoughts and I bet when he saw you he wanted to take you in his arms just like old times, have no doubts about that! This is going to require a very delicate touch, think of it as push/pull. He has seen you but now if he wants to see you again don't make it too easy for him or you will come off as desperate. It's like fishing, you need to keep tension on the line, not too much, not to little. Remember what I said, YOU ARE THE PRIZE!!! Not him. Regardless of what happens he has spent time with you and I know his feelings for you have probably come back somewhat. This may leave him feeling confused and uncertain what to do. Like I said don't push too hard and odds are he will want to see you again. I hope things work out for you. Hope you had a nice Christmas and New year!!! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 No Cali Guy, You've sensed things right. You've stumbled upon a confused individual who loves someone and feels guilty for it- a person who recognizes the ex is no good for her- yet still wants a second chance... a woman who buys a book about reconciliation- and counter reads with another about recovery. Somedays I'll have bouts of crying and moments of ephiphanies and self revelations. Ever had a period? Dont', if you can avoid it- because it's hell. lol. Yeah, CG, I'm confused. I'm in love, I'm in denial, and I'm human. Sometimes being human means allowing hurt into yor life. I guess I'm just trying to muddle through the hurt and confusion right now. Stupid hurt. Believe it or not, D, I completely understand where you are coming from. You may not want this advice but here goes. Write down a pro/con list on this guy. List all the good things about him then list all the bad things about him (including pooping on you like that!) My guess it the cons will outweigh the bad and in the end you will realize that by maintaining contact with this guy, you're going to get hurt again. When my ex did this to me, I ignored everyone who gave me the same advice I am giving you. In the end, I got hurt. And I was just as confused as you are right now. I wish I had listened to the advice and shut the door on her sooner. At least then I would have recovered much faster than I did. The choice is yours. Delay your healing or speed it up. And the only way to speed it up is to go back to NC and shut him out of your life. Thankfully I don't have to experience a period. However, I have been the target of wrath for someone who has been on one. It's no fun being the guy she's venting at anymore than the pain she's dealing with, trust me Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Holy **** D! He actually contacted you! I wonder what caused him to do that? Maybe the holidays had something to do with it, I felt the same way, I wanted to call her and wish her Merry Christmas but I decided not to. Didn't hear a word from her at all. Oh well. The Arabs have a saying when someone is going through a bad time, they simply say, "May it pass quickly." Thats all I want now. Any way I am happy for you, I think you handled it quite well and I don't blame you for wanting him back. When you see him all those feelings come back and your hopes come back as well. Just be carefull and don't push too hard, he may be having second thoughts and I bet when he saw you he wanted to take you in his arms just like old times, have no doubts about that! This is going to require a very delicate touch, think of it as push/pull. He has seen you but now if he wants to see you again don't make it too easy for him or you will come off as desperate. It's like fishing, you need to keep tension on the line, not too much, not to little. Remember what I said, YOU ARE THE PRIZE!!! Not him. Regardless of what happens he has spent time with you and I know his feelings for you have probably come back somewhat. This may leave him feeling confused and uncertain what to do. Like I said don't push too hard and odds are he will want to see you again. I hope things work out for you. Hope you had a nice Christmas and New year!!! Thanks P. I did see something flickering in his eyes tonight. I'm not sure if it was relief we wern't angry with one another anymore, or if it was something more. No expectations though. I am still in shock he even talked to me again. Maybe it was just to appease his own guilt. That could be the case right? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Thanks P. I did see something flickering in his eyes tonight. I'm not sure if it was relief we wern't angry with one another anymore, or if it was something more. No expectations though. I am still in shock he even talked to me again. Maybe it was just to appease his own guilt. That could be the case right? Yes, partly. It could also mean "Hey cool, she's still hooked so I can basically string her along, have sex with her and use her till I find someone else I like better." This is why I think protecting yourself and working on your boundaries is extremely important here. Without healthy boundaries he's going to have a lap dog relationship with you. You'll give, he'll take and in the end, you'll end up out in the cold - again. Link to post Share on other sites
panzer6 Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 It's hard to know for sure just what his motivation for seeing you was. Either way you now have a chance to work on something with him, even if it is just as a friendship. It seems that he at least felt that he owed you the opportunity to talk to him face to face, even if only for some type of closure. That shows that he does respect you on some level and that he feels bad for treating you the way he did. Humans are very complex creatures and a lot of what we say or do doesn't always make alot of sense to us. You know him better than anyone else so go with your gut, instinct, womens intuition or whatever you want to call it. I think he has been thinking about this for sometime now, guys are like that, they know what they should do but sometimes they need a kick in the ass to get going. Maybe his family told him to talk to you when he saw them over Christmas. If he feels guilty, and he should, maybe it helped him to look at you differently. People don't want to hurt the ones they love deliberately, so maybe he had a moment of clarity and realised you deserved better treatment. Either way take it as a positive sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Holy Crap Cali Guy! lol. How did we go from a friendly evening with my ex to being his sex lap dog? Nothing sexual was even hinted at. It was just a friendly exchange. that's it. I wouldn't have had sex with him. And he didn't try to. We just had a good time with one another and probably will leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
miss snoopy Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 D Lish.. only time will tell how this meeting will affect things. I dumped my ex, we got back together then he very coldly ended it just over a week later. When I ended it, it was a "great" break-up with plenty of closure, straight out of a movie (I'm very romantic and had it all planned!) However, because the break-up was so "nice" and we parted on such good terms, we both couldn't let go of the good memories and I ended up taking him back, only for him to walk away. In retrospect, I should have just coldly walked away, he may never have come back.. I suppose my point is, while it's good you have this good closure (and I know I'm still hoping my ex will give me the chance) there's always the risk of gradually seeing him in a different light. You're now even more vulnerable, and I think that's what Caliguy and Art Critic are getting at. Last night I had my ex from 10 years ago visit, we've both completely moved on and have dated loads of people in between. Anyway I ended up telling him my story, and he had the same advice the guys here are giving - to continue NC until we've both moved on (preferably to other partners) I'm chuffed for you re getting closure, but do protect yourself from this contact snowballing into something else. My ex is in regular touch with his ex (they broke up almost 3 years ago) and she hasn't moved on at all, she's in fact still waiting and hoping, which I don't think would have happened if they had not maintained contact. So I'd say - well done for getting closure, but don't email him or resume contact, as it is likely to set you back in a big way. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 RE: Retract. Retract. D-Lish. This is the one word I want to voice out. And as much as you would like to be part of his glowing red and white world, it is non-effective right now. You invested too much into the relationship. Not only that, but you are continuing to invest precious energy into a wishful-thinking reconciliation. The end result, someday -IF you don't hold your chains -is a stock market crash . . . hit depression. Thinking deeply about him, the memories over and over again is cruelly a brilliant way to validate your love for him. Offensiveness aside, you are nearing your forties and childish games should have long be buried. Regards, Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Yes, partly. It could also mean "Hey cool, she's still hooked so I can basically string her along, have sex with her and use her till I find someone else I like better." This is why I think protecting yourself and working on your boundaries is extremely important here. Without healthy boundaries he's going to have a lap dog relationship with you. You'll give, he'll take and in the end, you'll end up out in the cold - again. CG -- Most people don't really think this way, although it does help dumpees heal faster to think that they do. I'm willing to bet that many of us have been on the other side of the fence... feeling reminiscent about a relationship, ignoring the bad times (or our own faults), and reaching out to an ex to see if something can be re-kindled. If Dee had started flirting, I'm sure that things may have escalated, and this is where she showed (or actually both of them showed) healthy restraint. But, Dee, CG is correct in that if this guy does come across someone better suited for him (whether he's planning on it in advance or not), you do run a huge risk that he'll drop you like a hot potato unless there is something fundamentally different about him, you, or the way you two re-form your relationship with eachother. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Hey D, I couldn't wait to hear about your dinner this morning when I woke up. You have been extremely honest sharing all of this with us. My advice would be to not e-mail him at all because as you just said he will be expecting it. He should have to work hard to get you back (if that's what he wants) and, as my brothers once told me, you should then be calling the shots. If a relationship is not what he wants do you really want to get together with him for coffee and find out what's going on in his life? What if he has a girlfriend? No, I don't think that he deserves your friendship and if he wants more than he should really have to make it up to you. BTW, yes, I am also a Hamiltonian. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Thanks P. I did see something flickering in his eyes tonight. I'm not sure if it was relief we wern't angry with one another anymore, or if it was something more. No expectations though. I am still in shock he even talked to me again. Maybe it was just to appease his own guilt. That could be the case right? Well, the thing is, you don't know. He asked to see you, you went to see him, and you have absolutely no idea why he wanted to see you, or what he wanted to tell you. And the reason you don't know is you didn't ask! Didn't you think you had a right to ask why? Why don't you have expectations? He treated you like crap, he broke up with you and hurt your feelings, and for some reason you couldn't bring yourself to ask why he wanted to see you now after 5 months. You should at least have expected him to apologize or to tell you why he was suddenly contacting you and being all friendly! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 It's hard to know for sure just what his motivation for seeing you was. Either way you now have a chance to work on something with him, even if it is just as a friendship. It seems that he at least felt that he owed you the opportunity to talk to him face to face, even if only for some type of closure. That shows that he does respect you on some level and that he feels bad for treating you the way he did. Humans are very complex creatures and a lot of what we say or do doesn't always make alot of sense to us. You know him better than anyone else so go with your gut, instinct, womens intuition or whatever you want to call it. I think he has been thinking about this for sometime now, guys are like that, they know what they should do but sometimes they need a kick in the ass to get going. Maybe his family told him to talk to you when he saw them over Christmas. If he feels guilty, and he should, maybe it helped him to look at you differently. People don't want to hurt the ones they love deliberately, so maybe he had a moment of clarity and realised you deserved better treatment. Either way take it as a positive sign. Why is he getting let off the hook so easily? Even if he had some major epiphany, shouldn't he first have to apologize and share with her what his epiphany was so she knows that he knows she deserves better? Why is he getting so much credit for being a decent guy when he hasn't proven himself to be one? Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Yeah, I should have asked. But I didn't. I'm just going to leave it at having a nice time with one another- consider it a mended fence and move on. I'm not going to contact him. I think he just wanted to end our relationship on a more positive note- and I think that's what we did. I'm cool with that. Still a little hurt and confused- but ready to move on. That's where I'm at. D Link to post Share on other sites
gonetildecember Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 It's good that you at least got what you wanted- ending it on a positive note. But I know a little part of you, like me- whenever I see my ex, hopes that maybe this is a window opening for something else to happen again. And who knows, it could be.. but just go back to your state of mind before contact... just pretend that you are back in strict NC and let him come to you. You know that if you call or text or email- like you want to, it will put all your hard to waste and let him think that he is still in control- even if it is just friendship/amicability you are after. Congratulations, I think you did really well. And good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Holy Crap Cali Guy! lol. How did we go from a friendly evening with my ex to being his sex lap dog? Nothing sexual was even hinted at. It was just a friendly exchange. that's it. I wouldn't have had sex with him. And he didn't try to. We just had a good time with one another and probably will leave it at that. Based completely on his comments the way you described it. I'm not saying it's going to happen, I am saying that based on how you have been treated in the past and his utter failure to apologize for his treatment of you in the past (yes, I believe if anything he should have brought that up right away to clear the air, but he didn't) All I am saying is beware. "Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me." I've been in your shoes before D. He's doing the same thing my ex did. All she wanted was sex. Not saying that is what your guy wants but it is a possibility and something to be wary of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 No, I didn't get the impression it was about sex at all. I would never engage in a friends with benefits deal anyway- not my style. I just told him it had been hard on me to be cut out of his life- and he replied that it had been really difficult on him too. That's as close to an apology as it came. And I didn't read into that comment as an "I miss you and want you back"... I really didn't. He said "I had a good time, I'm glad we did this" and he said "Me too, let's leave it at that for now". That's how it ended- and we decided to meet for coffee when he comes into town the next time. I'm sad today. The realization that I miss him has settled in. HOWEVER, I'm prepared to move forward now. I've felt stuck the past four months- I feel a little less stuck today. I'm not going to reach out to him. If he wants to meet up again, he knows where to find me, but I won't be waiting for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 he knows where to find me, but I won't be waiting for him. That is the acceptance talking and finally moving on... I finally felt and said the same thing about my Exgf when I finally accepted that I could care a less about her.. then I moved on.. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. When you feel (like I do now) that you really could care less about them, what they are doing, who they are boinking, then you know you're ready for the next Mr or Ms Right to come into your life. D my only concern for you is getting hurt again. As long as you have your guard up and your boundaries are healthy, he won't be able to do it. I personally believe that once someone treats you like dirt, they'll do it again and again until you get out of the relationship permanently. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Are you allowed to post e-mail addresses here? I've been a reader of these forums for awhile but I'm too afraid to post anything for some reason. D-Lish, the reason I'm writing this is because I have had such a similiar situation and I want to give you advice before it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I think that Caliguy and D would make an awesome looking 'Barbie and Ken' couple! Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 True that Cali. I wish you the best Dee. Your story has convinced me to come out of the Guest closet...in my unders no less. You are smart and beautiful. You also have a good heart so this combo makes it easy to be taken advantage of. Just be careful. I am glad this experience has made you stronger, and thanks Dee....for helping me become stronger by your kind and truthful words to alot of people. It's time to grab 2007 by the horns. Love shackers....this is our year. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 You guys, haha. D is cute but a million miles away.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. When you feel (like I do now) that you really could care less about them, what they are doing, who they are boinking, then you know you're ready for the next Mr or Ms Right to come into your life. D my only concern for you is getting hurt again. As long as you have your guard up and your boundaries are healthy, he won't be able to do it. I personally believe that once someone treats you like dirt, they'll do it again and again until you get out of the relationship permanently. I agree, hate derives from passion. Where there is hate, there is unresolve. I'm not ready to go out and find my Mr Right just yet. But I truly am "over" the notion that I'm getting back together with my ex. He did treat me crappy when he broke up with me, I haven't forgotten that, and I won't. I don't think there will be contact again- I don't think he's trying to draw me back in. I simply feel that he needed to appease his guilt by having a friendly meeting as much as I needed to look into his eyes and see that "forgiveness" was present. And it was. Now it's time to move on. I'm ready to make a fresh start now. Still hurt- that much I expected though. But I'd rather be sad, yet know there is no animosity left, rather than sad knowing he hates me. And yep Guest, CG looks like a hottie- but millions and millions of miles away! D Link to post Share on other sites
shawn_68 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I simply feel that he needed to appease his guilt by having a friendly meeting as much as I needed to look into his eyes and see that "forgiveness" was present. And it was. D, It sounds like the meeting gave you both the chance to move much closer to true healing. And I'm sure it's given you a MUCH needed new perspective. We're all very glad for you. Just don't move on TOOO much. We enjoy your posts!!! Take care, -S Link to post Share on other sites
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