Holy Crap... Contact!

[Tormented]

Hi D...

 

This thread really caught my eye because I'm in the same situation, except...I haven't yet agreed to meet with him.

 

After 4.5 months, he contacted me (except this time, he actually spoke up), and suggested we meet up to "talk about things." Like you, I have waited for this moment for what feels like ages and now...well, now I don't know how I feel!

 

What amazed me was how I reacted. I couldn't speak, couldn't find my voice. He did most the talking. Told me he's been wanting to contact me since the beginning of the breakup but couldn't work up the nerve. Told me a day doesn't pass that he doesn't think about me. He also said he didn't contact me because he thought I hated him.

 

You know, had he done this at the beginning of the breakup, it would have meant the world to me. But the pain and the drama I've lived with all these months has left me feeling....I guess the best word here would be NUMB.

 

I told him I didn't know how I felt about meeting up and would contact him later with the answer. His said he understood and looked forward to hearing from me. His tone sounded disappointed.

 

The popular vote from family, friends and those on this board is a resounding NO. People are concerned I'll get hurt again, as am I.

 

A part of me wants to meet with him for closure. So many questions I have, so many things I want to say - to rid myself of the anger that seems to be holding me back from full recovery.

 

Another part of me screams that meeting him would be a mistake, that I'll only set myself up for a huge setback. That I'll end up with more hurt than answers and all the hard work I've done will be lost - knocking me back to square one. And I NEVER want to hurt this bad again.

 

I still don't know what to do. Just seems to be a damn if I do, damn if I don't situation.

 

I'm so glad I stumbled upon this thread, and your outcome has encouraged me. Perhaps I can walk away feeling better as well? Perhaps get some closure? Who knows...

 

I am concerned, however, of what HIS expectations are should we agree to meet. Perhaps he wants to rid himself of guilt? Wants closure as I do? Reconcilliation? And the latter frightens me because although I still love this man, a reconcilliation is out of the question. Too much hurt, too much damage, and because of this, I fear the pain I may experience if I see him again.

 

I'm glad yours turned out well.

 

Gives us all hope...

 

~T~

[D-Lish]

I have to caution you that seeing him did hurt...quite a bit actually. Today has been a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions for me... contentment, hope, hurt, pain and tears, relief.

 

Even though there was positive interaction, I still have unanswered questions. My ex wasn't a communicator. I doubt that if he wanted to say anything important to me that he would have been able to muster up the strength to say the words.

 

You're lucky if your ex is able to say how he feels.

I would go if I were you. Regardless of the outcome, you WILL have a set back. But hell, his phone call has already shaken you up. A relapse will happen- why? Because you're still in love as I am. But I don't think it will last as long as the previous ones.

 

A small part of me is waiting to see if he will contact me again. However, I can safely say that I'm not counting on it, I'm not expecting it, nor is it the kind of validation I NEED anymore.

 

It's confusing- because we were so comfortable with one another. Convo went well, smoothly, light flirting, but not anything over the top. It was probably the best "date/non date" we ever had. There was just no sex at the end of it.

 

So, my heart still aches a bit for him- but my head is screwed on a little straighter. If he had have broached the subject of a reconcilation, I would have considered it. I'm being honest, and I know I'll take flack for that. But I'm going to keep living everyday as if we're never going to get back together- I'm not going to contact him again. He knows where to find me, and I can safely say that his last memory of me is going to be a positive one!

 

If that's the best I can take away from this- so be it.

It's "me" time now- enough lamenting, time to get back on the horse.

D

[thecount]

Wow D - After all the good advice you have giving me. I thought that whatever has happend to you, you were able to move past it. But we are all in the same boat here. When and how to let go.

 

I asked this before, but what is it about love that makes us so damn stupid to want to repeat the pain again, and again?

[Tormented]

It's confusing- because we were so comfortable with one another. Convo went well, smoothly, light flirting, but not anything over the top. It was probably the best "date/non date" we ever had. There was just no sex at the end of it.

 

THIS hits home for me. Why? Because outside of the intimate/lover part, my ex and I were best friends. We truly were. Sometimes, I think I mourn my "friend" more than I do my "lover."

 

We shared inside jokes, finished each other's sentences, saw eye to eye on most things, played like 2 kids...often laughing like two nuts while wrestling around on the floor. We laughed, we fought, we cried. We knew each other's strengths, as well as weaknesses...and loved each other despite our flaws. We saw each other at our best, AND worse. And it just never occured to me that the day would come that he wouldn't be there.

 

So, my biggest fear is that we'd pick up right where we left off...commencing with our inside jokes and bringing up "old times" - laughing at the tenderness of it all.

 

And should that happen, I fear that the following day would find me in tears, missing him more than I do now.

 

Like I said - damn if I do, damn if I don't.

 

A bitter-sweet deal, for sure.

 

Thank you, D, for sharing your story. I really needed to hear it right now.

 

~T~

[D-Lish]

You're welcome T.

The closure I got wasn't exactly what i was hoping for, but all in all, I'd chalk the experience up to being a good one.

 

Maybe he chose to see me out of pity, perhaps his family and friends bugged him over x-mas for being such a jerk to me. Maybe he chose to see me out of guilt- because he's been so rude and handled the break up badly. I can't say for sure what his motives were. The short answer was "I couldn't be a jackass forever, you don't deserve that". And his response to me saying NC was hard for me... "It was difficult for me too Dee". Not much to work with, not exactly closure worthy moments. But I'm going to draw the closure from our pleasant responses to one another. There's no more animosity present.... okay, I'll take it.

 

If the ex was a communicator, I'd have wanted more, expected more. But he wasn't/isn't. The eye contact, body language, smiling and laughing a lot, were all good signs. But I take them to be signs of forgiveness, not of a want for reconciliation on his part.

 

Hi Count. Yes, I'm every bit as vulnerable as everyone else here. I think I've told you that I try to live everyday as if he's not coming back to me? A part of that process is voicing it's over and articulating to others that I'm healing. It's kind of like "willing" myself to believe it's true- so it becomes true the more I voice and practice it. This is a relapse, the pain is temporary. I'm including the meeting we had as a part of the healing/moving on process.

 

Yep, I still love him, and he looked amazing. But he saw me looking good and happy too. Temporary, yet necessary set back. His contact threw my emotions for a loop- but they'll settle again.

 

I'm going back to NC with him now.

If he wants to have me back, he know where to find me, and he'll have to be the one to say it- because he dumped me. I got a small piece of what I needed, and I'm going to get better.

 

I can either fall back to the bottom of the hole all over again, or accept that I've slipped back a bit, get my footing, and continue climbing out. My choice- I think I'll catch my breath and start climbing again.

 

Thanks guys,

D

[panzer6]

You know you really deserve credit for the way you are handling this. It must be hard to see him after all this time apart. I have a very good idea of the range of emotions that were going through you and I admire your strength in dealing with him. He doesn't sound like he is very good at expressing his feelings if thats all he could say to you. It doesn't mean that he has no feelings for you it just means that he has a hard time showing them. Deep down I bet he feels alot of remorse about the way he has treated you, it would be the human thing to do. I'm glad you could get some closure from him and have things end on a somewhat better note, that will go a long way to helping you heal. When I saw my ex last October I had all kinds of feelings run through me up and down like a rollercoaster and I was actually surprised to see how much just seeing her could affect me. Unfortunately it ended on a not so good note and we have had no contact since. Like you I thought I could get some kind of closure but she didn't even give me that. I have been feeling pretty lousy lately, Christmas and all doesn't help, but I know I have to keep going on with my life. She knows where to find me so I hope that maybe she will call me just to talk so we can clear the air once and for all. Anyway, well done lady! You have shown alot of class despite this situation and I doubt that someone like him deserves someone like you. You really are the prize.

[D-Lish]

Thanks P.

 

I thought I'd feel better after having a good meeting with him. I guess I do on some levels. But with the closure came the realization that it's finally over. Ultimately, that's a good thing. The rational part of me knows that.

 

It was hell having things end so negatively, but in some ways the anger helped me through a lot of the pain. Now, I'm not as angry with his treatment of me- so the sadness is starting to hit me.

 

Still having some animosity with your ex is probably holding some of the sadness at bay. Things aren't "finalized", so hope still lingers a bit.

 

Having contact with my ex is something I've been waiting and hoping for, for months. Now that I have had it.... I'm wondering if I might have been better off staying angry~ probably because I'm in pain again.

 

The holidays were difficult. I imagine you hoped for a call, as I did.

Well, I got "my call"... but not the results I wanted.

 

Hang in there P, and embrace some anger if you can- well you still can. I didn't realize what a positive tool it was for my healing until it left me!

 

It's a new year.

Hopefully it's a better one for all of us!

D

[Teacher's Pet]

I guess a lot of us are hoping for that "magical call".

 

Sadly, most of us will never get it. Realistically, it's not always a great thing, anyway.

 

In my case, the "magical call" would NOT be coming from my most recent ex.....that's a lost cause.

 

My ex, H.... well, I guess after all these years, a piece of me has still hoped something might change..... I had an "opening" of sorts to contact her the other day (for her 30th birthday), but I chickened out.

 

It's probably better that I finally learn to let go.

 

-tp

just wanted a chance.....

[D-Lish]

hiya TP!

 

Man, you gotta write that letter!

If it's unresolved for you- then even taking the first step and writing everything down is better than living life with regret.

But, I'd write it and send it. Get it off your chest.

 

It's all pretty heavy stuff...and it needs addressing!

 

What's the worse that can happen? She'll read it, and you won't hear anything back. that's what is stopping you right? The best result is that you'll get things off your chest and feel a whole lot better for saying how you feel. you're not addressing getting back together- so there's no rejection involved! you're simply addressing a painful time.

 

You should think about it anyway...

talk soon- I'sa gotsa a raging head cold!

D

[Teacher's Pet]

I guess I wish it was that easy.

 

I'm sure I've told you the whole situation with her.....

 

Something tells me I should just put that whole painful ordeal behind me. I have enough "old wounds" as it is, opening THAT one might be more than I can handle.

 

-tp

*looking up to the sky*

[underpants]

Hi,

 

You know what I did last night?

 

I wrote a letter, or rather a rant to my ex. Did not send this one. Why?

I have written these before and sent them. However, he just replies with humor or debate, never really addressing our issues or the hurt he put me through. It's as if we are to just sweep all the hurt under the rug and hang out, amongst a herd of unspoken elephants, whatever. Infuriating, but I can't make someone have empathy.

 

Then I wrote a letter from my ex to me. I know this sounds a bit strange. The thing is that I am never going to hear the acknowledgement or respectful apology that I need from him. So I just wrote it for myself and sent it to myself.

 

You know that really did make me feel better.

 

That genuine heat felt apology mixed with pangs of remorse and regret of his treatment of me was rather healing. Even if ....well....I had to be the one to write it.

 

I say try this, I feel pretty awesome today.

[Gala]

D-Lish -

 

Not now, when you're still reeling from this meeting, but sometime down the road a little...it might be worth thinking about meeting up with your ex just to ask the simple question, "What happened?" If you feel you know the answer to that already, that's one thing. But your understandiing of who he was - the man who would treasure and care for you - was shattered by his behavior. This is not trivial, nor is it covered by a phrase like "I was an a**." What he did was a tremendous, profound breach of trust. And if it is possible at some point to hear from him what caused him to do what he did, I think it would aid your healing process quite a bit.

 

Take care of yourself!

[D-Lish]

Hi Gala,

 

I don't know, maybe someday we'll be able to have that talk with one another. He's such a non-communicator kind of guy.

 

I have to admit that the not talking about "us", yet having such a wonderful time was confusing. I just wanted to hear him say "I screwed up, I want to make it up to you and try again". I know, I know- stupid of me. And although I'm disappointed that didn't happen- I'm okay with leaving things on a friendly level.

 

I still keep in contact with some of his female friends- they contact me, I don't seek them out out of respect for him. Well, I guess the group is in a tizzy because they knew we were meeting. One of the girls said she was so happy he reached out to me because he'd been missing me for some time. Ugh, didn't need to hear that.

 

I guess what I've realized is that I deserved to be chased, not do the chasing anymore. If he can't tell me how he truly feels- then I don't think I want to be with someone like that anyway. I need communication in a relationship.

 

I also realized that I can't see him on a "friendly" basis anymore, because I still love him. It's just not going to be healthy for me to try and be friends right now. Maybe someday we'll have that conversation- but I truly doubt it. He's just not that kind of guy.

[MOMMIE]

D you are the bomb!!! I just know that you are destined for great things...You are just so real with your post and replies, and I am so glad that you got your "call"....I'm thinking that he still cares for you...but knowing you, I'm sure you'll make the right choices in this situation...You go girl!

[D-Lish]

thanks mama,

;-)

 

Just got to get this head of mine screwed on a little straighter.

Cheers!

D

[norajane]

thanks mama,

;-)

 

Just got to get this head of mine screwed on a little straighter.

Cheers!

D

 

You've done a fantastic job so far!

[D-Lish]

Thanks NJ,

 

You'd think, being as close to 40 as I am getting that I'd have figured it out!

 

I'm about ready to give up on relationships.

Maybe I'll get another dog, they never seem to let you down.

lol.

D

[VeniceQueen]

D, you are just amazing.

 

You give some of the best, most insightful advice on these boards and have certainly helped me out a great deal. You're also sensitive and sweet, which is what we need too.

 

I'm very impressed with the way you handled the whole situation like a confident, strong woman. You should be proud of yourself for not breaking, I know it had to be hard.

 

I agree that you should go NC with him. Let him do the chasing if he wants you and you continue to live your life.

 

I recently got back with my ex and am wondering if I made a mistake. I'm so confused right now but still so much in love. It's so damn hard.

[demilde]

Thanks NJ,

 

You'd think, being as close to 40 as I am getting that I'd have figured it out!

 

I'm about ready to give up on relationships.

Maybe I'll get another dog, they never seem to let you down.

lol.

D

"I'll be yaw dawg!!" *

 

*note: this might not mean anything to people who don't remember the Kia Ora adverts!!!

 

D, been away for a few days and got back to see your 'progress' and I hope it ultimately helps getting you sorted. Given how much help you give others it is only fair that you find some peace and happiness you deserve; hopefully it will happen soon. Limbo is not a very good thing unless its on a carribean beach with a load of rum of course.

[Gala]

[[i have to admit that the not talking about "us", yet having such a wonderful time was confusing. I just wanted to hear him say "I screwed up, I want to make it up to you and try again".]]

 

No, this is not stupid. This is your heart wanting the person you thought you had the relationship with...And it is totally understandable to be confused by the "wonderful time" story line when that was the cover, the gloss, the window dressing over this nasty break that he initiated..not that it was a fiction, because there are obviously still feelings there on both sides -- it just didn't tell the whole story.

 

He may not be able to say the things you would like him to...but I think it would still be therapeutic to hear whatever he might be able to choke out about his actions. Put this under the heading of understanding his limitations.

 

And I agree with you - there is no reason to try to be "friends" now. You know what you want from him, it is not forthcoming, and you need to heal.

 

I also second you on the dog - especially b/c there's some statistic out there about the number of encounters w/new people experienced by dog owners v. non-dog owners...

[D-Lish]

Thanks guys,

 

I'm sure this set back is temporary~ and in the long run, I know that having the meeting was a positive step towards my healing.

 

He sent me an e-mail this morning telling me he had a good time and he was glad we cleared the air.

 

Maybe a friendship is possible with him down the road, but it's not something I think I'd be able to do right now.... not while I still have such deep feelings for him.

 

I can't believe that after 5 months that I'm still reeling.

I mean we barely dated a year...

[Teacher's Pet]

I can't believe that after 5 months that I'm still reeling.I mean we barely dated a year...

 

Join the club, my lovely Canadian friend.

 

-tp

is it true what they say about canadian chicks?

[D-Lish]

What do they say about us canadian chicks?

[Porn_Guy]

What do they say about us canadian chicks?

that they're nice, decent, upstanding girls...

[Pyro]

What do they say about us canadian chicks?

 

Nothing bad at all. I haven't had any bad experiences with Canadian gals.