3 1/2 years together and getting texts from another girl....

[Guest]

you could have already done this because i stopped reading a few posts back, but why don't you just try saying HEY I SAW THE OTHER TEXT MESSAGE THAT SAID AND PROVES YOU TWO HUNG OUT

 

thats the truth of it and he will freak out. i always remember this phrase "if you have nothing to hide, hide nothing"

 

he is obviously hiding something, whether it be big or small you need to get to the bottom of it even if it is embarassing yourself in front of his sister. if at ALL possible maybe you could ask his sister if you two could go see a movie or go out to eat, grab some coffee - WHATEVER! just talk to her and then ask her. it sounds to me like , even though the relationship being 4 years long!, that is he cheating on you or at least doing something he shouldn't be doing. he isn't taking this relationship serious, or if he is, he is not being smart.. hes being a stupid perverted guy that thinks he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

life is hard like this and its stupid for me to say BREAK UP WITH HIM! when i don't know squat about what you are like or he is like or what your relationship with him is like, but i do think something bad is happening and he needs to come forward with it. maybe even threaten to break it off and see how he reacts. i don't know girl i'm sorry

[temptris33]

I did fess up that I saw the other text. He said that he ran into her at the cafe that he eats at frequently and they b.s.'d for a few and when she left she sent that text a few minutes later. That is something that I would do as his girlfriend...send em a text after I saw him. I wouldn't do it as some friend (barely friend) after I just ran into someone. I'd leave the goodbyes as the goodbyes at the cafe not send some random text.

 

I did talk to him again (last time) last night and told him that I want more from the relationship and after over three years he knows if he wants to be with me or not and has to let me know. This morning I texted him and told him this: "I love u. Have a good day. Please take to heart what I told you last night and let me know. be honest with yourself and me. If I'm not the one you see yourself with for WHATEVER reasons tell me. U know in your heart. Honesty hurts less than deceat".

 

That's what I said. This way, he has an out and so do I. If he isn't taking this relationship seriously for the future and is kind of holding out for someone younger/better/less responsabilities/kidless etc....and is doing this kind of stuff on the side then I need to know now.

 

I should probably stop pesstering him about all this stuff at this point and just turn it off. He realized last night that something was not quite right with me because I wasn't as snuggly and more serious/cold than normal. I was in a good mood but wasn't being as ga ga over him as he's used to. He can sense that somethings not right and I think he's afraid of losing me. I don't want to deal with all this stuff anymore. I'm frikn cryin every day or on the verge. He's been down here with me every night so it's not like he's out carouzing. He asked me this morning, "do you still love me"? DUGH!!! I don't believe in the fairy tale stuff....you know, if I break up with him over all this stuff and he realized how much he misses and needs me and comes back to me.....I feel that if I break up with him I need to do it 100% and realize that he is gone and move on to other things. I don't know if I could handle it because I've never felt this way about ANYONE before. dunnno....I dont expect him to tell me everything going on in his life, but when he knows of certain things that I'm not okay with...then that's where the honestly should come into play.

[Guest]

 

I feel like an idiot. Kind of. Throughout the relationship he's always been kind of hard to get a hold of and he does eventually return the calls. Maybe it's just that he's busy with work or whatever. I feel like a chump for doubting him. Wouldn't he have gotten defensive about the story if he were guilty? When he got defensive about his phone I bet it was because he was mad that I would stoop to that and not trust him....could that be? he has a nice support group of family, best friend and me. He doesn't need another "friend" sending him comforting textes or whatever. Shouldn't he tell her that that kind of stuff makes me uncomfortable and to stop texting? I hate doubting him. This is gonna sound lame....should I call the restaraunt and see if they were open that day?

 

Hey... I am responding to your post because your bf sounds a LOT like mine... he & I have been dating on & off for 5 years, recently we broke up for almost a year & that re-enforced a lot of the trust issues i already had, but actually, it has been working out so I thought I would share what has worked for me, since I've been through just this situation.

 

Like you, I am also an open book when it comes to communication - my cell phone, email, myspace etc. are always up for my man to read - not that he ever would. Because we're at opposite ends of the spectrum: i have diarrhea of the mouth as you will tell by this terribly long post and he never has much to say about anything... That's the thing, you just sound like you're different people - and though its hard to accept sometimes like when he doesn't pick up when you could have been in a car accident (something my boyfriend has also done) or doesn't tell you about every text message he receives, this is the guy you picked and been with for a few years and i'm sure there are tons of great things about him that maybe some other guy who would call you might not possess....

 

Like you, I recently had the juicy opportunity to check my man's myspace inbox.... i swore he was still keeping in touch with the *whore* he was sleeping with during our recent break, and had accused him of doing so... he of course denied it so when he left his myspace account open i took the liberty to check... and of course, he was LYING... he had been writing to her for the past couple of months... nothing romantic but the last thing he wrote her was a nice message cheering her up because she's a depressed fatass (in my humble opinion) but the point was he LIED and i was pissed... i tortured him for this... i yelled at him during the 4 hour car ride home from his parents', where we had been for christmas when this discovery occured....

 

well, the point of this drawn-out tale is that after i got back home i spoke with my best friend/ "therapist", who actually thought what he did was sweet... sweet!!! can you believe it? i was disgusted, but it made me think about his point of view... he isn't interested in this girl anymore, i know that because he broke it off with her to ge back together with me... she moved back to her hometown b/c she graduated college but she would have stuck around here to date him... but he chose not to.... so all of this is evidence that he's not interested, in his mind he was just being nice to her and keeping it from me was his way of avoiding hurting me and having the argument that ensued.... lame in my mind but thats the thing... we're different people with different ways of dealing with stuff... as i'm sure you and your man are...

 

which brings me to how all this relates to your situation, since it sounds kindof like mine, it sounds like you know your man loves you.... plus he's going through some real difficult times right now with his dad's death & all... so he definitely needs your love, understanding and support... it also sounds like your man is either shy or avoidant or both (just like mine!) which can be a total pain in the ass but you have to chose whether or not youre willing to deal with that....

 

my advice to you with this guy, assuming he loves you and you love him, is to choose your battles wisely and try to make a comfortable space for him to be truthful with you... in all of this drama of mine, i reallize that i just feel really comfortable so that's why i don't care if he looks at my cell phone because: a) i know he'll understand even if there are texts from guys and b) i'm out-going anyway... but he's not either of those because: a) i have invaded his privacy and given him hell for it and b) he's painfully shy and reserved....

 

.... sorry for the super long post.... so here's the main points: 1) through love and understanding you can help your man feel more comfortable... it sounds like you are already doing that so i think you're good... and 2) being reserved doesn't mean he's cheating on you and trust is a beautiful thing ...and 3) accepting that he won't always tell you everything can feel very good... just letting go of that expectation but of course maintaining your feminine intuition!

 

hope it goes well! it sounds like you're already working it out... hope this helps... at least maybe it will make your situation not seem so bad... haha

 

ps - what i ended up doing was making out with a friend of mine, just a little, and just for vengeance, and so now i have my own little secret! i don't recommend it, but it's working pretty well for me & my diarrhea of the mouth is in control too! haha...

[temptris33]

WOW! I expected to wake up this morning, check this site for feedback and telle me, with good intentions, to dump my man! ALthough everyone has given me great advice and have opened my eyes on alot of things.....YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD and I thank you!

 

You are so right. I'm going to try your advice. It's true. I wish I could feel that he wants to tell me everything and I know that I shouldn't expect that. I hope I'm not being blind and foolish right now to some things. Your situation sounds so familiar.

 

I did the making out with another guy thing too and he found out. He screamed bloody murder at me but forgave me. Although, we had broken up and had been for a few days....I am not gonna blame it on booze but hell I was pretty drunk and surrounded by lots of friends and was taking my mind off of him for a while.

 

Do you guys live together or anything after 5 yrs? We dont. He comes over almost every night but none of his stuff is here. We're dealing with that too. I eventually want this long relationship to be going somewhere...(moving in together, or marriage, or buying a house....etc.) and he always has reasons as to why he cant...which reading your post I have to believe that he's being honest and upfront about his reasons...(financial..wants to be set before he jumps). Hey, I wont ramble on. I just appreciate what you said and would welcome anything further that you might say. Have a good one!

[temptris33]

I re read my post and when I was kissin' on this other dude, my man and I had been broken up for a few days. Not after the fact.

[Guest]

 

Do you guys live together or anything after 5 yrs? We dont. He comes over almost every night but none of his stuff is here. We're dealing with that too. I eventually want this long relationship to be going somewhere...(moving in together, or marriage, or buying a house....etc.) and he always has reasons as to why he cant...which reading your post I have to believe that he's being honest and upfront about his reasons...(financial..wants to be set before he jumps). Hey, I wont ramble on. I just appreciate what you said and would welcome anything further that you might say. Have a good one!

 

Hey i'm glad my advice was able to give you a fresh perspective.... On sites like this i think its hard for people to be objective, but I guess that's the point...

 

Yes, at this moment, we do live together and its working out pretty well. The first time we moved in together was after only about a year of being together. I was going to grad school in nyc and he wanted to take time off from school and was ready for a change of pace. We lived there together for a year then moved back where we live now. It was okay for a few months but things went down the tubes and with having all our friends around it was easier to grow apart... he started staying with friends more and more and then one day when i came home from a business trip, he was gone.

 

He was supposed to pick me up at the airport, and I had no idea. I waited and waited and realized he wasn't showing up so i took a bus home. When i finally got back, i was crushed to see he had split. Well, anyway, that's when we broke up for about a year until last spring break when i stole him back from that lameass he was messin' around with. At that point, he was living with some friends, and when his lease ended there in july he moved back in with me sort of on a probational basis.... but now, six months later, things are really good.

 

For us, i think its mostly an issue of motivation and just being ready to grow up. When we started dating, we agreed that we were totally in love and wanting to spend together for ever, but that we are young and growing and learning and that sometimes this would cause us to be apart... and that's the way its been. I think clarifying this early on was what has caused me to keep my head on straight about this relationship and still have faith in it after all this craziness!

 

And about getting married and all that, when we first got together, my boyfriend was totally against all of that... and he told me he would never change his mind.... Now, five years later, he is way more relaxed about it and even brings it up himself sometimes! From all this with my bf and from most of my friends being guys, I believe that with most guys its more about the timing in their lives than finding the right one... it seems like all of a sudden they decide they're ready to settle down and whoever they're with becomes their wife... whereas i think most women are more focuse on searching for the "one".

 

Well, i hope it works out and we can keep in touch... Let me know how its going with the new outlook...

 

Nice to know someone to relate to about all this!