Butterflying Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 ending the relationship. For instance, I have an XBF who used to abuse me, verbally, mentally, and emotionally. With the help of my friends and some spiritual leaders, I ended the relationship. I got therapy and rebuilt my self-esteem. I've also done a lot of research on abuse. I know all the signs. After sevaral years, that XBF has contacted me. I went out with him and he tried to abuse me. I realized it after all the research. I also realized that he was only doing the exact same thing that he used to do. The only problem then was that I didn't realize what was happening. If he insults my opinion, I remind him of my college education, and the fact that my opinion is earning a lot of money for me in my career. Then he stops insulting me. When he points out my faults, I point out his faults as well and let him know that he is not perfect. He stops criticizing me. Could this relationship work? I mean...can I have a good relationship with an abusive man as long as I stand up for myself? The reason I ask is that every man I've dated has been somewhat verbally abusive. If I end every abusive relationship, I won't have anyone. So I'm wondering if it's better to defend myself against abuse rather than run away from it. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 No, it can't happen. Why you want to get back with him after what he's done to you is beyond me... But besides that, for an abuser to change (which is really very rare, maybe one in 1,000 do it) it takes two things...one is for him/her to realize just how wrong it was and how much it hurt their victim and want to change themselves and try their hardest for it...and the second one, to not be around the one they abused, because even if they want to change they're addicted to it and can't do that around the said person... Yours doesn't even admit to wrong doings, I mean *really* admit to it and really mean it...so you can see it can't happen. The only reason he stops when you point out reasonable things now is he knows he can't break you at this point, but if you resume things with him he will be able to eventually...and then you'll be stuck again, I bet worse than the first time - it always escalates with time... You need to set higher standards for yourself. Not all men are abusers by any chance, interesting though that the victims are somehow drawn to other abusers and viceversa, must be some kind of vibe... Besides, I'm sure you'll agree with me it's much better to be alone than be in an abusive relationship Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 I wouldn't go there. I think it'd only be a matter of time before he'd erode your self-esteem even if it's extremely subtle. It sort of sounds as though you're contemplating a power struggle with this man. Please make sure his controlling ways haven't rubbed off on you somehow. And if they have, please address it in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 I have a relationship with someone who has been abusive to me in the past. He proactively took steps to change the way he deals with anger. He went to therapy and anger management classes and did a lot of introspection which led to him making some huge changes in himself and his life. If this man you are referring to has not done any work on self-improvement then he will most likely continue being abusive. You can stand up for yourself as much as you want but that is not going to change or alter his behavior in any real or lasting way because change must come from within. Link to post Share on other sites
Love Hurts Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Living in a battle zone for the sake of love? Bottom line is you get tired. No matter how much you love. Human nature is you just get whipped so long you quit. You deserve love in a relationship. The root of love is admiration and respect. If those attributes are missing you are dealing with disrespect, jealousy, and even hatred. All covered nice and tidy under a title of love (and or lust). If someone admires you and respects you, they are not going to verbally and or physically abuse you. Perhaps you should take a different course of study: look into what qualities you have that encourages men to abuse you. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I agree with all of the posters above and would only add that a true abuser will not give up. He or she will continue to "try" to find new ways to abuse you until one day they find your weak spot or the relationship ends. It doesn't sound like much of a life to be with this guy regardless of "how much potential" he might have. I believe your future would be happier without him in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 ending the relationship. For instance, I have an XBF who used to abuse me, verbally, mentally, and emotionally. With the help of my friends and some spiritual leaders, I ended the relationship. I got therapy and rebuilt my self-esteem. I've also done a lot of research on abuse. I know all the signs. After sevaral years, that XBF has contacted me. I went out with him and he tried to abuse me. I realized it after all the research. I also realized that he was only doing the exact same thing that he used to do. The only problem then was that I didn't realize what was happening. If he insults my opinion, I remind him of my college education, and the fact that my opinion is earning a lot of money for me in my career. Then he stops insulting me. When he points out my faults, I point out his faults as well and let him know that he is not perfect. He stops criticizing me. Could this relationship work? I mean...can I have a good relationship with an abusive man as long as I stand up for myself? The reason I ask is that every man I've dated has been somewhat verbally abusive. If I end every abusive relationship, I won't have anyone. So I'm wondering if it's better to defend myself against abuse rather than run away from it. If every man you have dated is abusive you really need to rethink a few things. If you have gotten help with your self esteem that should be a big help. Its proven that a lower self esteem seems to attract those that will prey on it. And NO an abuser will not stop abusing if you stand up for yourself, they will find other avenues of approach. It will always be a dance between the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Oh gosh! Take it from me, RUN RUN RUN far away from this man! I married an abuser I thought had changed. Right! After 2 children and the stress of marraige and kids, all of the abuse resurfaced. Not only was the emotional and very abuse so bad this time, but it turned into physical abuse as well. To me, an abuser is an abuser. Whatever logic you throw at them does not work because logic is not part of their plan. Please read Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out by Patricia Evans and do not subject yourself or, worse yet, your future children to an abuser. This book will help you make a better choice for a mate. My worst nightmare right now is the thought of my son growing up to be just like his dad. I just can't envision this sweet sweet little boy saying such mean, hurtful things and hitting a woman he claims to love. Would you want an abuser as a son? If not, don't marry an abuser. There are MANY MANY men who do not abuse women. And if all men did abuse women, I'd rather be alone! Link to post Share on other sites
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