Dealing with heartbreak

[Santiago 17]

I kind of just stumbled into this site, but it might be helpful. I am dealing with my first real heartbreak badly. I dated this girl for about a year it was woderful even though she had some real issues with trust, communication, and just being crazy sometimes then she totally changed on me...., then we broke up, actually I broke it off, b/c she seemed distant, annoyed, and basically treated me like **** when I gave her the world (she even admitted to treating me badly but couldn't give me a reason why and when she did the reasons were ridiculous like "b/c my life had been so good and she was jealous" her words!!!!. I also found out she had been in contact with her ex and hiding it from me, and to top it off, I put together some pieces and realized that she had told me at least one huge lie if not many more. The break-up was bad, we kind of played games and even messed around and she told me that I didn't need to worry about the ex thing, but that she needed to learn how to be single and that I needed to experience other people (even though she was already in a serious relationship shortly after we stopped talking, which was when I came by her house with flowers and the "ex" answered the door), anyways that was 4 months ago and I am doing better, but I still think about her constantly. I feel like I am annoying my friends when I mention her name, and every time I drink I end up talking about it. I want to get over it so badly, but something won't let go!!! I feel hopeless, depressed, and like a loser...... Part of me knows that she was bad for me but most of me would take her back in a second. How can some people heal so quickly (like her) while I can barely make it through the day (let alone the holidays)

[D-Lish]

Not all people are able to heal so quickly- and the ones that seem to do so are usually lacking in depth. Also, some people suppress pain- so it hits them later.

 

The fact that you are still experiencing heartbreak 4 months later isn't unusual. Time is your ally in this situation. You've found this site- use it to cent out your feelings. It really helps to do that.

 

I too felt like I was pestering my friends- most of whom just thought I should be "over it" by now. Then, I found this place, and found I could post as often as I wanted, and not annoy my friends anymore...lol.

 

I suspect that if you look closely at where you were four months ago and where you are today, you'll see that you actually have made progress. You are healing. Give yourself credit for that.

 

Your ex doesn't sound as if she is a prize. It really is better to find that out sooner rather than later. Knowing that doesn't make the pain any easier- but at some point, it will play a larger role in your healing.

 

Keep taking small steps.

D

[Cub]

I agree with dee dee.

 

It's been four months for me too and I'm still having problems with my ex. Eventually our friends do get sick of us repeating ourselves and talking about how depressed we are, but that's why we have the shack.

 

Stick around, vent, and take all the time you need to get over her. There's no rush and when you're finally done you'll not only have more respect for yourself, but also a deeper understanding of what type of person makes YOU happy.

 

A relationship goes both ways, after all.

[Santiago 17]

Thanks, it does help to know I am not crazy, b/c I was starting to really believe that. It just seemed as if things were going pretty good until about a week ot two ago and I almost feel like I am back at square one, kinda like a relapse or something (or maybe like she would call b/c she did over Thanksgiving)? This person who I have every reason to not want to be with anymore seems like the greatest thing ever (when I know logically that is definetly not the case) I am not as bad as the beginning (for sure) but, it just sucks to feel as if I have taken steps backwards instead of forwards. I hate going back in my mind and trying to apply logic or reason to what happened and come up with some explanation for why she changed, or for what I could have done differently, or when exactly it took a turn for the worse and on and on......... I mean the last time we really talked about us she told me that I was the one who broke her heart b/c I broke up with her, but she didn't realize that she was breaking my heart every time I tried to show her affection and she totally blew me off, or when I found out that she had been lying and talking to her ex. It would be great if she would at least have the decency to fess up to some of her mistakes!!!!!!!!!, but I know I will never get the satisfaction of hearing that!!!!

[jusified]

I don't think I will ever hear a fess up about mistakes and a sorry for all the things my ex has hurt me about. Thats ok, because she will not be a better person if she doesn't realise her faults and appreciate the good things in the relationship.

 

I have admitted my faults and put it on a list to improve in now and the future. I have seen the right and wrongs in the relationship and I walk away feeling like I deserve a great garl.

[MotherGooze]

I really think it's ok for you to still think about her after 4 months. You say it was the first time you had a broken heart, so why wouldn't you feel bad. Some people have a harder time with letting go then others, there's nothing wrong with that really. I can't give you any tips on how to get on and I know it's not gonna work if I tell you she ain't worthed (because she isn't). What I'm trying to do is trying to make myself feel better by changing a lot of things in my life. As for today I've given up smoking, and after three years I finally picked up my bass guitar again. It feels good. Try to find something that works for you. Something that'll improve your life without you having to change.

[Santiago 17]

Thanks for all the advice, this stuff really helps, and it is good to be able to vent somewhere and know that others are going through or have gone through similar things. All my friends are kind of immature and only one has experienced what I have and is willing to talk about it. I am feeling a lot better, I am sure that the holidays were a major catalyst in my setback. It is funny b/c it is like my friends almost want to hear me talk about it now and are a little shocked when they mention it and I rally don't respond.

[MotherGooze]

I guess that's a good thing. They care about you! Pfff... I know the hollidays are terrible! But they are over now so you can focus on other things now; go out and have fun! You can do whatever you want to do. I'm sure it'll work out for you.

[Santiago 17]

I really hate how my ex seems to slip into my dreams more now that I am finally starting to be able to not think about her constantly, I hope that it is a sign of the memory of her moving from my conscious mind to my sub-conscious. I mean it is weird b/c I really didn't dream about her at all while we were together or even during the worst part of the breakup?

[Santiago 17]

OK, I have felt really good since Sunday, I mean really good like the best I have felt since I don't know when. I am really finally starting to not care and be able to be happy and look forward to what the future holds. Sounds to good to be true right, well I went out for a few drinks w/ friends last night and my buddy out of nowhere brings her up and tells me that my ex's mom broke down to his mom (they hang out or something like that) something and that it might prove one of the lies I thought she told me to be a truth? I was like why are you telling me this I don't care. Then he tells me that her new guy is some loser who has a sucky job and some small apartment (we had both assumed he had $ b/c he is not really someone she would typically date). I feel like I can't win why did he bring this up to me? I am not mad, actually I was happy b/c a month ago info like this would have affected me greatly now I don't care!!! But I am a little worried about her mom and my best friend's mom hanging out and drinking!! I am not sure what he tells her and I know for a fact that I come up in these conversations, I guess I shouldn't care but I don't to want my ex to call me up and bitch me out b/c these two moms are gossiping. I gave already gotten one and If I get another I won't (I can't) answer even if I want to defend myself the NC thing is really working to well!! I haven't contacted her for almost a month when I sent her a happy b-day e-mail and she thanked me. I don't think she has tried to contact me I don't even check that e-mail (THE ONE SHE HAS) b/c I am really sticking to the NC THING

 

Just venting

 

Santiago

[D-Lish]

Ahhh, the dreams. We tend to dream about things that are unresolved for us. If you haven't had much closure, or you still have residual feelings hanging around in your brain- the subconcious mind tends to go on overdrive through dreaming. I guess it's like your brain helping you heal.

 

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

I find that the recovery process has its ups and downs. One day you feel like you can face anything, and the next you feel like you've regressed again. It's normal, trust me.

 

I've been on a roller coaster ride for months... I don't fall in love easily, so when I do, I fall hard. I actually just got home from a first date with a nice guy, it's shocking, but I barely thought of my ex this evening, and I usually do during a date. It's nice, because I didn't have the urge to end things early or bolt at the first chance.

 

Don't concern yourself with what others say or whether they choose to intervene in your love life. You can't control what people say or who they choose to hang out with. You might politely ask your friend to keep his knowledge of your ex to himself and not trouble you with it. be firm about that if it bugs you.

 

The less you know about what she's doing, who she's with, etc... the less you'll be inclined to have a relapse.

 

Relapses happen though~ and each time they do, the pain seems to be a little less, and the recovery a little quicker.

 

Glad you're doing better.

D

[Santiago 17]

Thanks, you are right!! The most important thing for me is not caring about what she is doing or who she is with..., but with facebook and myspace it is hard. I don't get on those things at all anymore b/c I cannot avoid her. She is friends w/ my friends and I see her profile pop up no matter what. She actually has her pic as her and her new guy kissing and her quote as something about him being her dream guy and how in love they are? Anyways "whatever", what I really want to know is what people think about ex's being good friends especially after a not so good break-up. My ex had this guy who she really loved she said that totally dropped her in true a** manner? All of a sudden he came back to town and she kind of wanted to hang w/ him? It was a big problem for me, she said it was a good thing and that they just talked and he admitted he was an ass or something? I can be around my ex in a mutual hang out, but I don't ever see myself calling her up and hanging out one on one unless there was a hidden agenda, and I would never expect whoever I am with to be OK w/ that? Am I paranoid or is this normal I don't want to screw up a good thing if this is normal and it happens again!

 

Santiago

[LiveStrong Fan]

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

I find that the recovery process has its ups and downs. One day you feel like you can face anything, and the next you feel like you've regressed again. It's normal, trust me.

 

Don't concern yourself with what others say or whether they choose to intervene in your love life. You can't control what people say or who they choose to hang out with.

 

I totally agree with this. One day I will stop see-sawing with my thoughts but I don't know what it will be like if I bump into her out and about. Could be awkward.

[Santiago 17]

I know what you mean, I really feel as if I am making huge strides in healing I still feel down every now and then but a lot of the time it is about something totally different and not as extreme and my ex might pop into the thought pattern for a moment and I can dismiss it. I really think it is because I have had extreme NC! However, there are some things we cannot control (other people and their actions) and that day will come (with me it is certain I can't believe it hasn't happened yet I'm lucky) when you bump into your ex. I just hope that it is a long time from now!! I feel as if I could be cool about it but, honestly if I see her I will just say Hi and probably leave right after if I can, b/c I really have nothing more to say to her and if I am forced to talk I think what comes out will be damaging to at least one of us.

 

P.S. (No one had a opinion on the ex/good friend question and I really want to hear some other points of view b/c I have been in that situation and don't know if it is normal?)

[LiveStrong Fan]

I am not sure what I would do. I mean I would say Hi and want to talk to her but I would still know that she made a mistake in getting back with her ex because she never really gave her and me a chance. I know the saying it's probably for the best but I don't know. Time will tell on that I guess. I haven't spoken with her since she told me her ex said what she wanted to hear and she decided to go back to him, like 3.5 weeks ago. He knew there was stuff going on with us and got jealous. As that being her choice and that was what she wanted, there wasn't much I could do but let her go. Losing a close friend I suppose is the tough part but I need to get on with my life and really focus on me now.

[Santiago 17]

Man, I really hate what this bad break has done to me. I am so afraid to even think about being interested in another person b/c I am afraid of what they can do to me. I am just now starting to return to my old self but, I feel as if I have this huge wall put up. I am afraid that no matter how head over heels the next one seems to be they will eventually get tired of it and become bored with me. I feel like I cannot treat a woman they way I want to (like a princess) b/c they will become spoiled and unloving? It's like once the chase is over the fun and love is too! However, I am still lonely as hell!! Hopefully, with time I will learn to trust again.