Spoonandfork22 Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 This is a general question to everyone, just wondering about it since Im somewhat going through the same thing at the moment: When a breach of trust takes place in a relationship, whether it be lying, cheating, etc., does the partner who breached this trust really mean it when they say "im sorry, ive learned my lesson & it will never happen again" ?? Enough so that it will really NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN? Question being: Have those of you out there who have cheated, lied, breached trust really felt horrible for what you have done and went on to have a perfectly normal relationship where, although trust was hard to come back to, everything was OK in the end? We see so many posts out there and hear stories and even at times witness accounts where people lie and cheat and we all say "they are scum, i have no sympathy, they deserve what they get" and go on to say these people will continue patterns...but i truly believe (or want to believe, in my boyfriends case at least) there are people out there who mess up once and realize what they had done and go on to fix it and create a stronger relationship and really never have these things happen again. Has anyone out there seen this or have this happen to them? I know there is a silver lining somewhere!! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 We see so many posts out there and hear stories and even at times witness accounts where people lie and cheat and we all say "they are scum, i have no sympathy, they deserve what they get" and go on to say these people will continue patterns...but i truly believe (or want to believe, in my boyfriends case at least) there are people out there who mess up once and realize what they had done and go on to fix it and create a stronger relationship and really never have these things happen again. I think it depends on the relationship. If the person admits fault and the other one forgives them then there is a whole new level of acceptance created. And it could definitely strengthen the bond. In your case it sounds as though your relationship is a good one. He's made a mistake, we all do, but you aren't holding it against him. You still believe in him. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 yup. happens all the time. we only hear about the cases that don't work out because the ones where it does they ar off having a wonderful life. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 You have to decide if you're willing to trust him again and put honest effort into it. He has the obligation to make it up to you in whatever way you need, including but not exclusive to, patience with your distrust. Actions speak louder than words. If he shows you over time that it was one small judgement error or moment of weakness, then you have your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
vanessabg Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 I think it depends on the relationship. If the person admits fault and the other one forgives them then there is a whole new level of acceptance created. And it could definitely strengthen the bond. In your case it sounds as though your relationship is a good one. He's made a mistake, we all do, but you aren't holding it against him. You still believe in him. i am agree to Amaysngrace!here,it depends on your relations if you think you forgive your partner then its okay you should carr on your relations but if you think you can't forgive your partner then the rude situation create because of (her/him) cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 This is a general question to everyone, just wondering about it since Im somewhat going through the same thing at the moment: When a breach of trust takes place in a relationship, whether it be lying, cheating, etc., does the partner who breached this trust really mean it when they say "im sorry, ive learned my lesson & it will never happen again" ?? Enough so that it will really NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN? Some mean it;some don't. I'm not sure that if they do it again or not has anything to do with the relationship though--I think it has to do with the integrity of the person to stand by what they say. Link to post Share on other sites
JamieB Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 I screwed up royally in my marriage. I did not learn and change. Two years later, we divorced. Now, I have some perspective on my situation and do not want to make the same mistakes again in another relationship. I want to be in a relationship that contains honesty, trust, and integrity. My problem is finding someone who feels the same way, who has also learned and changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spoonandfork22 Posted January 8, 2007 Author Share Posted January 8, 2007 when people say 'once a cheater, always a cheater' i just dont believe it. i think people have the power to mess it up once and realize what had happened. and they can go on to have relationships that are completely monogomous and trusting. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 when people say 'once a cheater, always a cheater' i just dont believe it. i think people have the power to mess it up once and realize what had happened. and they can go on to have relationships that are completely monogomous and trusting.I completely agree. I think it all depends on the actual person, and the relationship that they're in. It's true, there are some people out there that may just tell you what you want to hear, but once they've got away with cheating once, they'll just keep doing it again. Then there's those that really pay attention to the consquences of their actions ("mistakes"?), and do what they can to fix themselves and the relationship they are in. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 i agree with j the best thing to do is just let time work its magic don't rush things - show patience and honesty, maybe offer an invite to a concert and just see what happens from there chances are if u needed changes, they needed time to see them and trust again and maybe they might have moved on but the thing to do is know who u are, what u want and go about doing it for me, i'm staying single for now - i've told someone i am interested in them and would like to start something brand new and if that happens - wicked - if not i'm satisfied being single and getting my new home up and running i hope that helps Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 I know I changed after I cheated. I see what happened, and how to avoid it now, and it's not something I will EVER repeat. I'd rather rip my teeth out and shove glass under my eyelids. So basically, yes. I believe that cheaters can learn and greatly improve themselves from the horrible mess they created. (I hate calling it a "mistake" because it minimizes the impact of the action, but I still haven't found a good word for it.) Anyway, I've talked to a few other people who've cheated, and they've shared the same thoughts toward the experience. They confronted the worst in themselves and come out far better people in the long run. But the key component seems to be that they can identify what the problem was, the feelings that lead to seeking outside attention, and how to prevent it in the future. And from what others have said, and my own experience, it usually takes months to start to grasp the full depth of what occured, and years to sort through the feelings and guilt and thoughts. You're in for a long hard road. There is a silver lining potentially, but you'd better buckle down and ready yourself for a long hard battle. It'll take both of you fighting with all you've got if you want to make this work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spoonandfork22 Posted January 8, 2007 Author Share Posted January 8, 2007 i just want to clarify that my bf never cheated on me. he lied to me....which to me was bad enough. hes never been the guy to lie, hes been my best friend for 2 years....but the lie alone messed with our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Why did he lie? Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 In my opinion...once a cheater always a cheater. Now, can the cheater make good on the promise to never actually cheat again?...maybe, but they are still cheaters. Either way, the betrayed party doesn't need to put up with the betrayal the rest of their lives. I always say, if you are not married and have no kids with the person...dump them and move on. If you are married and have no kids...divorce them and move on. If you have kids...well then its a judgement call. Some people want to make it work so their kids don't have a broken home and other say thats not a good environment to be in. So it really depends on the situation. I stayed in my marriage for my kids, but the environment is just fine. I shower my kids with all the love in the world, and they have my attention from the time I get home til the time they go to bed. So they never really see the bottled up resentment. Others have resentment so bad its constant fighting. So if the latter is someone's situation, then divorce is the better option for the kids. If the former is the case, then its a judgement call. But either way, once someone shows they are capable of cheating, whats to stop them from cheating again if they find themselves in a situation where they think they will never get caught? Link to post Share on other sites
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