I ended it... and now I regret it

[SweetPinkNYC]

Just wanted to see if anyone had any thoughts on this one:

 

Two years ago, I became involved with an old friend of mine. We were both 20 at the time, and dated casually long-distance for three months in college. He was overwhelmingly interested in me and in the relationship, introducing me to his parents, mailing me presents, and planning all kinds of romantic dates. After a few months, and shortly before he departed for a semester abroad, I ended it by pulling a classic, if immature, 'disappearing act' -- mainly because I didn't want to get too attached or too involved at the age of 20, especially since he was about to go overseas. When this happened, he told mutual friends that I had broken his heart and crushed his soul.

 

Flash forward two years - he and I have been dating our new respective significant others for about a year. He has emailed me and IM'd me several times to say hello and see how I'm doing, and I've discovered that he checks my IM away messages and facebook profile regularly. Lately, I've been thinking of him and I really regret how I handled the situation, and the fact that I never apologized or really explored our relationship as extensively as I would have liked. He lives in a different city about two hours away, and I am heading down there for business several times this coming spring.

 

Would it be wise to contact him to see if he wants to meet for lunch or a drink? I have an overwhelming desire to reconnect with him, and perhaps reassure myself -- selfishly, I know -- that the door might not in fact be closed forever. But I also want to tread carefully, given that we are both involved in other relationships right now.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this one?? Thanks!

[amaysngrace]

I think you should suggest meeting up with him when you're in town. Maybe he'll agree to it.

 

If not you may always wonder what could have been. It's not best to ignore really strong feelings or vibes that you have.

 

Maybe there's something, maybe there's nothing. But you owe it to yourself to find out.

[jusified]

Hey SPN,

 

Can you read my thread titled "Would she regret" and post what you think, cause I'm a guy in a similar situation which your ex was in.

 

1) What makes you all of a sudden think about him?? You already have a Significant other so you should be 100% committed to him

2) His got someone else, he might be checking your stats just out of curiousity

 

I suppose you can send him an email and tell him what you are thinking, but maybe it is just a nostalgic phase you are going through. It has been 2 years and you did break up with him and really hurt him in the past, it is very likely he might not give you a chance.

 

But if you really do love the ex, you should end it with your current bf and think about what you really want then speak to the ex. I think thats the right thing to do as its not fair on the bf that you actually want to be with someone else.

[crazy_grl]

How would your current bf feel about calling him up and meeting for a drink? Is what you've shared with us something you could share with your bf?

 

I think it's wrong to 'explore' while you have an SO. It's up to you whether your bf or this ex is more important. If you meet up with this guy, end it with your bf first. But before you do, think about whether 2 years down the road you're going to regret ruining things with this bf just to satisfy your curiousity.

[SweetPinkNYC]

Thanks, Justified. I think you and others are right, this might be a nostalgic phase I'm going through, especially since current relationship is long-distance (we are halfway through a one-year long-distance period). I think I've decided that I'll drop him an IM or email just to say hi, and if I end up going down to his city for business, I'll see if he wants to meet up for lunch/coffee/drinks. Most of all I guess I am just really curious to see if he is the same person I remember, and if the chance opens up, I have a lot that I want to say to him about how badly I feel for bungling the situation. Even if he doesn't forgive me (understandable) and even if he and I don't end up getting back together (and I don't think we will) - it's something that I do want to get off my chest because he is a really decent person and old friend who didn't deserve to get his heart trampled, at least not without some kind of apology.

 

Also, check your thread, I read your post and just responded...

[crazy_grl]

So if you do end up meeting up with him, are you going to tell your bf about it?

[jusified]

As a guy I think you need to tell your BF if you are going to meet him. My ex meet with ex and never tried to keep it from me and it was never good.

 

If you are just curious to see what his up to thats fine, but if you feel like you might want to get back with him then I don;t think thats fair on your current bf. I its a LDR then I think that could also be an issue with your current state rather then wanting to be with an ex.

 

Lets all try and be single for a while and wait for someone good to turn up LOL, I know I aint gonna settle for second best.

[Guest]

SweetPink, how brave you are to have shared this story. Since most of us on here are the ones who have been dumped your story sheds some light on what happened to us. How many of us would like to think that our ended relationship was not through fault of our own but simply bad timing?

 

How many of us would love to think that eventually down the road our exes will have fond thoughts of us and doubt their decisions. And finally, how many of us would love it if, even years later, they eventually made their way back to us. But I know that this post is not about us but it is about you. I know that it would be terrible to think that perhaps you made a mistake and you were solely responsible for letting a good one get away. He sounds like he was a sweety.

 

I don't know why you would have let him go (not to make you feel bad). I understand that you do not want to embarrass yourself and end up with a possible rejection but there is nothing wrong with meeting up with him for a coffee. Let him believe at first that it is just as friends and then you can feel him out. You never know he may feel the same way or, then again, once you seem him again he might not live up to what you 'idealized' him to be. I don't think that you should let your pride take you away from knowing for sure if or if not he may be worth a second chance.

[crazy_grl]

Did I wonder into the land of the selfish or is everyone missing the part where the OP has a BOYFRIEND??

 

I know a lot of people on here have been dumped and wish their ex would realize the error of their ways and seek them out. It's a romantic thought. It's NOT romantic when the ex is currently with someone else. A person in a relationship (LDR or not) doesn't owe it to themself to find out what might happen so they don't wonder "what if". They owe it to their SO to be honest and not seek out other men/women behind their back.

 

Put yourself in the bf's shoes. Would you want your SO looking up an ex that they regret breaking up with? Would you want your SO to meet up with that person without telling you?

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I just can't believe the responses this thread is getting. When you're in a relationship, secretly seeking out an ex is not okay if you still have feelings for that ex. If there's any question in your mind about whether it's appropriate or not, it's probably not.

 

If you feel the need to seek out another man, it's time to consider whether you want to stay in your relationship or not. If not, break up and go explore your options. If so, be honest and loyal to your bf.

[CaliGuy]

RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG.

 

OP, you have a boyfriend. It is both selfish and immature of you to be exploring your feelings towards your ex when you have someone right now who loves and appreciates you. Closure is what you make of it. You're living in past regret and reminiscing about something that in all likelyhood was never meant to be.

 

Personally if it was me and you told me about it, I might say "Hey, go explore your feelings, but I may not be here when you get back."

 

If you did not tell me and I found out about it later, regardless of what happened, I would kick your butt to the curb.

 

Let me repeat. This is both SELFISH and IMMATURE on your part and is completely unfair to your current boyfriend.

[jusified]

Well I never saidto ignore her BF.

 

My point was if she has feelings for the ex then its not fair on the current BF. Besides, if shes got feelings for someone else I wouldn't want her to be my gf.

 

I agree that you should be 100% committed to your partner, physically an emotionally. Therefore her relationship wih the current bf might not be going very well because of this, she need to make a decision for her self to work on it and be committed.

[SweetPinkNYC]

Thanks all for your thoughts.... I have decided that I will meet with him and that I will tell my boyfriend that I am meeting with him. The ex actually sent me an IM yesterday, and our ensuing conversation was friendly but very platonic (i.e., non flirtatious). I told him that I'd be travelling down to his city for work, and he suggested that we do lunch/drinks/coffee/etc.

 

What I've decided is that it's important to be honest and straightforward above all. I plan to tell my boyfriend when I go down to meet with the ex, because it wouldn't feel right to hide something like this.

At the same time, I'm not married, nor do I have any desire to act like I'm involved in a lifelong commitment while I am still 22 years old and happily unmarried. So it makes most sense to me to have lunch with the ex, see if we can be civilized friends, maybe apologize to him for my poor conduct a few years ago if the opportunity opens up -- but it's not something I plan to "hide" because I don't think anything can be lost by being honest.

 

One last thought, on CaliGuy's post where he described me as being selfish and immature for exploring my feelings about my ex when I have someone who loves and appreciates me. Point taken, and I see where you're coming from. But let's remember that at this point I am not committed to my boyfriend for life, in fact he has told me himself (and I agree) that we are too young to even think about being together for life, i.e., married, and we still have a lot of separate goals and options that we ought to pursue as individuals first. The day for marriage might come eventually, but until then, I don't think it's at all unfair to explore my feelings, deny them or repress them. To do so, I think, would not be fair to myself.

 

I've seen too many people (young women, especially) fall into a naiive trap of believing in everlasting love and faithfulness at a very young age, and then it falls apart years later because they haven't spent enough time getting to know themselves and their own feelings, or, most importantly, developing a sense of emotional independence. Our society and in particular our current wave of social conservatism encourages this perspective. But until I feel prepared to engage in the pact of lifelong commitment and unity with another person, I'm looking out for my own feelings. Call it selfish if you want, but I'd call it making an informed decision. After all, I'd like to think that at the age of 22 I should feel justified in wanting to explore all my feelings and options fully -- when it comes to education, career, family life, and, yes, romantic relationships.

[CaliGuy]

One last thought, on CaliGuy's post where he described me as being selfish and immature for exploring my feelings about my ex when I have someone who loves and appreciates me. Point taken, and I see where you're coming from. But let's remember that at this point I am not committed to my boyfriend for life, in fact he has told me himself (and I agree) that we are too young to even think about being together for life, i.e., married, and we still have a lot of separate goals and options that we ought to pursue as individuals first. The day for marriage might come eventually, but until then, I don't think it's at all unfair to explore my feelings, deny them or repress them. To do so, I think, would not be fair to myself.

 

All I am trying to get across is that trust, communication and openness are important to any relationship. Not just with your boyfriend, mind you. But with friends, family, co-workers, etc.

 

Had you not informed your current B/F it would have shown me something about your character.

 

I do not claim to know the reasons why you feel it's necessary to seek your ex out and apologize, but something tells me deep down you want to see if a spark is still there.

 

If I were your current b/f, regardless of whether I feel it's going to be a lifelong commitment or not, my reaction would be one of "well heck, if it's that important to you then maybe we shouldn't be together."

 

See, if you really care about the one you're with, the one you're not with shouldn't matter. Closure or not.

 

I think you're doing a disservice to your current b/f and don't be surprised if he ends it. Not out of jealousy or spite, but of simple disrespect. You don't need to apologize or be friends with your ex. He has no role in your life now and if he was to come into it in the future, it would be when you're both available and interested. There's something about tempting fate that doesn't sit right with me. But, it's your life to live.

 

I also question your ex for agreeing to meet you and wonder to myself if he is going to inform his current g/f. It might be prudent for you to ask him if he's going to tell her. If he chooses not to tell her, well, that tells you something about him. I think she has a right to know.

 

After all, if he'll sneak around with you, he'll sneak around on you as well.

[jusified]

I was in a similar but not exactly the same position that your current bf is in...

 

What can I say, there is really no point in telling people they shouldn't do something when they want to do it. Besides, SPN's attitude is very very commonwith girls between 20 -25. As a guy who had his heart riped out by someone with that attitude and yes I think the way my ex acted it was Really Selfish, but you knwo what?? I know who I am and I know I deserve someone better. Maybe one day the ex will realise she let a great fish go soshe can go to the ocean and catch the average fish. Maybe one day she will improve and be a better person, but thats all in the future and the hurt in the past.

 

SPN, you should be honest and open with your current BF, jus don't tell him about the meeting like the day before, tell him tmorrow or something. I know what you are thinking and I can't say it is bad, but just do what you think you need to do and be considerate of other people's feelings. in the end if you make a mistake you have to face up to it and learn from it. Thats better then just ignoring it and pretend you have no regrets.

[crazy_grl]

What can I say, there is really no point in telling people they shouldn't do something when they want to do it. Besides, SPN's attitude is very very commonwith girls between 20 -25. As a guy who had his heart riped out by someone with that attitude and yes I think the way my ex acted it was Really Selfish, but you knwo what?? I know who I am and I know I deserve someone better. Maybe one day the ex will realise she let a great fish go soshe can go to the ocean and catch the average fish. Maybe one day she will improve and be a better person, but thats all in the future and the hurt in the past.

 

I get where you're coming from now, justified. I agree that there's nothing the bf can do if if the OP wants to explore her options besides tell her good luck and he might not be there when she figures out what she wants. There's no point in the bf trying to say what she can or can't do. As a third party though, there's no harm in advising someone that I think they're making a mistake and that their attitudes about relationships might benefit from some adjustments.

 

At the same time, I'm not married, nor do I have any desire to act like I'm involved in a lifelong commitment while I am still 22 years old and happily unmarried.

 

I'm 24 and I have a hard time taking this kind of arguement seriously, probably because I've personally seen too many people use it as an excuse to sneak around and cheat in various ways on their SO. They make it sound like when they do get married, they'll suddenly change, but I have a feeling that they'll just find other excuses to justify their behavior.

 

SweetPink, I'm not saying that you're a cheater or that you're on your way to becoming one (though I do think you're playing with fire), but you do need to be concious of whether you're using your age and lack of marrial status to justify your selfish actions while in a relationship. While your relationship may not be the ultimate commitment of marriage, it's still a commitment that you should uphold.

 

've seen too many people (young women, especially) fall into a naiive trap of believing in everlasting love and faithfulness at a very young age, and then it falls apart years later because they haven't spent enough time getting to know themselves and their own feelings, or, most importantly, developing a sense of emotional independence.

 

I completely agree that young people should explore and find out what they want. They shouldn't be tied down, and I don't think most people should get married until they're 30. BUT I think the 'getting to know yourself' time should be done while SINGLE. Once you've committed yourself to a relationship, you have another person's feelings to think about. To me, having a bf while going out and exploring interests in other guys is just using the bf as a safety net. It's selfish and not fair to him. And no, that kind of selfishness is not ok just because you're 22. Do you think it hurts someone any less to know that the person who just ripped their heart out was only 22 instead of 32?

 

IME, most people hurt a lot more from a breakup when they know they got dumped for someone else.

 

This thread reminds me of a talk I had with a guy friend of mine. He told me how he feels like he's young and he shouldn't be obligated to stay in a relationship if he's not happy. He shoud be able to look around to find someone who'll make him happier even when he's with someone else. He made the comment that he's not like me, because I'll stay in a relationship whether I'm happy or not. That's completely off base, and I don't want you to think that that's what I'm suggesting you do. I don't stay in a relationship I'm not happy with. I just don't look around for something better when I'm in one. I stay in a relationship or leave it based on the merit of the relationship itself.

 

What I suggest you do since you're wondering about other guys is evaluate your current relationship first. Ask yourself whether you're getting everything you want and whether you're happy with it. If not, end it so you can go explore, be free, and find what you want. If your relationship is meeting your needs, then do everything you can to forget about any other guy. After all, if you've got everything you need in your current relationship, there's pretty low odds that anybody else is going to be better.

 

If you aren't happy with your relationship, but you can't end it without first finding a replacement guy, you need to ask yourself why that is and probably get some counseling too.

 

Anyway, SweetPink, don't get me wrong. I don't think you're a bad person or anything. I only want to keep you from making a mistake. Maybe you disagree with my opinions, and it's perfectly fine if you do. Best of luck to you.

[D-Lish]

I think you just have to clarify for yourself what your motivations for a meeting with your ex are all about.

 

If it's to see if there's a spark, then yes, it is disrespectful to your current guy. However, if it's to just to put some closure on the romantic part of your relationship- give him the apology you feel he deserves (and he does)... I see no problem with the meeting.

 

I'm friend's with a few of my exes- inlcuding my ex husband who is remarried. I don't have romantic feelings for any of them, and I've never hid the fact that I met with them or talked to them from anyone I've dated.

 

Apologizing to someone for hurting them IS a mature action.

There's nothing wrong with remaining on friendly terms with an ex. But it's not something you should hide from your current guy.

 

If you want to possibly reconcile with your ex, that's a different story. You shouldn't be ashamed or made to feel guilty for having those feelings. But it probably does mean that you have some issues with your current relationship that need taking care of. When I'm in love with someone and truly happy, I don't pine for an ex or anyone else. So if you're a little unhappy with how things are with your new guy, then you should probably explore those feelings a little closer first before meeting with your ex.

 

But don't hide the meeting. If you do so, and get caught- you might regret the consequences.

D