No respect! No respect at all!

[Cub]

I don't get any in relationships with friends, lovers or even my family. It seems like everyone just walks all over me and I can never work up the nerve to stop them. I know this is a basic problem, but I never got the manual for standing up for myself so if anyone could give me some pointers it would help a lot. I'd say the key thing I need help with is the middle ground between being a jerk and being a door mat.

[amaysngrace]

I think you just need a shift in attitude. No you don't want to be a jerk but you do need to have your voice be heard, if for no one but yourself.

 

If someone is giving you crap you need to let them know it's not acceptable. You should avoid using the word 'you' and mostly focus on sentences that begin with the word 'I'. This way you will become assertive and more in tuned with how you really feel.

 

If they hear what you're saying and still treat you badly, then you have my permission to tell them to f*ck off!

[Cub]

I did that with one of my exes and now she's calling me a selfish a**. Is it because of her problems or is it actually me i wonder. All I did was call her out on the way she was leading me on and hurtin me and her response was "Well if you're that introverted and intuned with your own pain then why don't you do what makes you feel better. I wouldn't want to mess up my purpose of making you happy," I just don't get it.

[amaysngrace]

Is it because of her problems or is it actually me i wonder.

 

She sounds like a creep.

 

But maybe you do initially come off as a doormat to others. So when you finally take a stand for yourself you take others by surprise. Maybe you attract people who wish to push others around in the first place. And when they realize they can't do that anymore they become insulting towards you.

 

Maybe it's both you and her to blame, you know?

[Cub]

Yes, I hear ya. In that case, though, a lot of my friends are the same way. I can only think of two that I can actually depend on and all the others would hate me if I spoke up. Kinda sux, ya know?

 

I also have a problem with self confidence though. I find it hard to do most anything without doubting myself and it really holds me back in more than one aspect of my life. Actually, I bet I would really be able to solve a lot of my personal problems if I only had the resolve that comes from a healthy ego. Any advice?

[Cub]

I've been led back here by posters in my other threads so any advice from guys to a guy about how to better himself in terms of self respect?

[norajane]

Well, why don't you have self-respect and self-confidence? Why do you feel like you are lacking in some way? In what ways?

 

Standing up for yourself doesn't require much more than knowing you have been wronged and making no apologies for saying so to whomever is doing the wrong.

 

Are you uncertain when you've been used as a doormat? Or do you know, but can't make yourself say something because you're afraid people won't like you if you speak up? What's the sticking point for you?

[Cub]

I don't know. I guess when it's happening sometimes I don't even notice it and other times I just don't stick up for myself because I don't want to make anyone angry. Mostly it's the latter though, I just don't say anything because I know it will start a fight I won't feel like finishing.

[norajane]

There's nothing wrong with picking your battles - you don't have to always speak up. You can let some things slide, especially if it's something small. But if you are in the habit of never speaking up, it does allow people to get the impression they can walk all over you with no consequence.

 

It's ok to get angry and to say something, regardless of how the other person reacts. In fact, if they have wronged you and you say something, ideally, they're supposed to acknowledge it and apologize. If they get angry with you, they are again in the wrong, not you.

[monkey00]

If no one has mentioned this yet, well im sure this should be obvious to you by now. If not im repeating it, respect is earned, not given.

 

Your character as a whole and the actions that define you determines whether or not people respect you or step on you. Your environment reacts to you just as much as you interact with it.

 

As much of an issue that confidence/ego presents, either you live with those internal issues or you stand up to it and break the habit - no one here can do that for you.

[lindya]

Yes, I hear ya. In that case, though, a lot of my friends are the same way. I can only think of two that I can actually depend on and all the others would hate me if I spoke up. Kinda sux, ya know?

 

People like to feel they have others sussed out, so we tend to put eachother in boxes...eg "You're too timid" "You need to stand up for yourself more" "X is too bossy, but I won't tell her that to her face..."

 

If you're naturally shy, then others have perhaps picked that up and fed their impressions back to you at various points in your life...thereby reinforcing your self image of being someone who doesn't garner respect. Other people's perceptions of you can feel like a box that's difficult to break free of. "You can't go travelling on your own...you're not the type" "I don't see you working in that profession...you haven't the right temperament" "Don't bat out of your league" etc etc.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if you want things to change in terms of how much or little respect others treat you with, you might just have to go through that experience of doing things that you know will result in certain people initially reacting in an angry, sneering, dubious or (my personal favourite) "disappointed" manner. These are common responses people will use to put a lid on a shy person's box when that shy person behaves in a way that seems out of character.

 

It's not pleasant, but breaking free of other people's constraints can never be an entirely pain-free process. If it were, more people would be doing it. When, however, you persevere with changes you want to make in either yourself or your life, other people either get used to and start accepting those changes - or they walk away, and you come to realise that your life is actually a lot better without them.

 

To help you out, I'd recommend you read Daniel Goleman's books on emotional intelligence. There are lots of other great books out there that will help you to pinpoint which aspects of "standing up for yourself" frighten you most...and how to overcome that fear. Also, keep an eye out for people who are able to assert themselves in a calm and friendly manner and use them as models, rather than mimicking the more aggressively "assertive" types. Aggression is often nothing more than a manifestation of the same types of fear and insecurity that would result in a quieter person biting their tongue.

 

You said some people will hate you if you stand up for yourself. If that's true, what would be the root cause of those emotions? You being a horrible, hateful person for daring to express an opinion that doesn't tally with theirs...or them perhaps just being a little too insecure to cope maturely with others disagreeing with, or saying no to, them?