insomnie Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 So today I log online, and right away exbf IMs me. He asked how I was, then proceeded to tell me that he spent NYE with his exgf back home where we go to school (I'm in a different state right now). This it the girl he repeatedly hooked up with in high school on his off times with his other major relationship. He "loved" her and she lost her virginity to him. She goes to college in yet another state and is a lesbian now and has a gf. He told me this right away with absolutley no prompt from me about what he did NYE. He also mentioned that exgf's gf is very jealous that they're hanging out. Apparnelty they've hung out on several occasions. So if course I was immensely hurt, and then I told myself to stop. I dind't let it show. He showed me how to play a game for a couple of hours, then called me on the phone to play something on the piano for me. He mentioned that she liked it. He also told me that he'd "always like me", "just wanted me to be happy", and some other stuff that I'm not sure how to read. Those are the facts. I don't know how to process them, so I thought I'd post them here. What I know is that I feel hurt, backstabbed (tho of course we are broken up and i have no right to...), and even more confused. Also it was really good to hear from him.... What do you all think? And, how to proceed? Link to post Share on other sites
justagirliegirl Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 I guess you have to decide for yourself what you are getting out of having contact with him. NC really does work. If he thinks he can just get online or call you and you'll be available to chit chat for hours he'll never have the opportunity to miss you. NC and keeping yourself busy and not being available to listen about his new gf will increase your own self respect. Really do you want to listen to him talk about his new gf? Link to post Share on other sites
Author insomnie Posted January 2, 2007 Author Share Posted January 2, 2007 Hey thanks for the quick response. I don't htink he is "with" this girl, she is just a friend he was hanging out with that he's known since pre-school, but she WAS a gf of his at some point. Actually at several points. And it bothers me that they probably reminisced and that he was pretty excited about her when I tlaked ot him. On the toehr hand, he talked about how she was *still* a lesbian, how she had a girlfriend, and various lesbian things she'd said. I'm not initiating contact, either. He's the one doing all that, and half the time I don't even reciprocate. I am just trying to see how to read the mixed signals, though. On the one hand he is keeping up his side of the "friendship"...on the other wouldn't he be more forthright with his feeligns if he actually had them? I don't know. I'm so confused. What do you all think? Are we on our way to a second chance, or am I headed for heartbreak? Link to post Share on other sites
sweetscarlet Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 I think NC would work best in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author insomnie Posted January 2, 2007 Author Share Posted January 2, 2007 I am doing NC anyway in that I never initiate. But, do I answer HIS attempts at contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Author insomnie Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Someone please give me feedback, if only to tell me how he is not right for me and that I need to move on. I'm going crazy here! There's nothign to do where I am, I don't have a car or know anyone, all I do is sit at home wondering which girl he's hanging out with today. If I want a second chance, should I pick up when he calls? Or, refuse to be in any kind of contact until he shows up at my door pleading (not that he would). I feel like I'm being disrespected and mistreated if I do stay in contact, but then I also feel like if I don't respond at all to him he'll move on thinking I don't want anything to do with him.... And, what do you think of his friendship with that girl? He was so excited when he talked to me about her...telling me about how she said smething and then blushed....it made me literally nauseous. And, she's an ex, and he had always told me that she was basically the perfect girl for him, but he they didn't have sexual attraction (he thoguth she was manly, she liked girls). I wonder, though, if those thigns have changed...if now he thinks she's attractive and she is more on the fence about her sexuality... he made it sound like they were hanging out every day together and that her gf was jealous... Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 What was the reason for him breaking up with you in the first place?? You're saying in your previous threads that he had doubts?? About what? I've skimmed through your threads and from what I understand he broke up with you because you were both having fights... then you found out about that other girl.... then you still tried being friends with him and he was nonchalant and casual about it... then you broke off contact... and now he's still calling you with casual conversation??? So what you really want is for him to show you that 100% he wants you and only you and he wants to make it work?? Am I missing something?? With regards to the other girl, of the two things one: either he's trying to make you jealous by talking constantly about her, or he's starting to really like her again and she's always on his mind that that's why he can't shut up about her. IMO if he really wanted you back he wouldn't be mentionin the other girl.. unless he's truly childish and likes to play games.. which of the two is he? I think what you could do is tell him not to contact you because you either want a relationship, with no other girls involved, or nothing, and that he should respect that. But didn't you already tell him that?? So what does he want now? Sorry my advice is really vague but I'm really confused with your story..... Link to post Share on other sites
RocketMan Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Insomnie, slightly off topic, but can i ask you something? I've just been reading this thread of yours: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=78292 I know its a year old now, but I just wanted to ask, how did it work out? Is it the same person youre talking about now? Im in exactly the same situaiton. My gf is having doubts, and said she wishes shed met me later in life Do you have any advice for me on how to help her deal with it? Im madly in love with her, but if she wants to go off and see the world, im not going to stop her, Id just like to go with her Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author insomnie Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Rocketman, it is the same guy. A year ago he was the one who was in love, and I was having doubts. I got over those doubts because I realized if I didn't, I would lose him, and I loved him too much for that. Ironically, the moment I became more sure, he began to lose interest, which led to HIM breaking up with ME half a year later, then us getting back togehter, then him breaking up with me again. So, what can I say? It worked out for him in that I decided I didn't want a break after all, and that I wanted to fully commit, but not for me because he decided, later on, that he needed space. I don't know what advice to give you aside from the stuff you usually hear. Which is that no one responds well to pressure, and that if your girl is having doubts to give her space to figure things out. Usually in situations like this it isn't anything you're doing or issues you have that are pushing her back but rather her own inability to commit to a healthy relationship. So, don't be hard on yourself and realize the situation is outside your control, and more importantly that you deserve someone who is more than lukewarm about being with you. I've been hearing these same thigns and I believe in them but they are hard to put into action. Wish I had some better answers for you, but I guess I'm in the same predicament. =( Link to post Share on other sites
Author insomnie Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 What was the reason for him breaking up with you in the first place?? You're saying in your previous threads that he had doubts?? About what? I've skimmed through your threads and from what I understand he broke up with you because you were both having fights... then you found out about that other girl.... then you still tried being friends with him and he was nonchalant and casual about it... then you broke off contact... and now he's still calling you with casual conversation??? So what you really want is for him to show you that 100% he wants you and only you and he wants to make it work?? Am I missing something?? With regards to the other girl, of the two things one: either he's trying to make you jealous by talking constantly about her, or he's starting to really like her again and she's always on his mind that that's why he can't shut up about her. IMO if he really wanted you back he wouldn't be mentionin the other girl.. unless he's truly childish and likes to play games.. which of the two is he? I think what you could do is tell him not to contact you because you either want a relationship, with no other girls involved, or nothing, and that he should respect that. But didn't you already tell him that?? So what does he want now? Sorry my advice is really vague but I'm really confused with your story..... You pretty much got the story right princessa. I am also really confused. I know what I want (whcih is a good start I think) and that is for him to want only me and to want to work on things. However I am not sure that is possible, nor do I know how to acheieve it. The twist with the girls is that the first one (whom he began hanging out with before we broke up) had a boyfriend (LDR) for some of the time they were hanging out. I really don't think anything happened between them but he still chose his freedom to have that friendship over me. The second one is a lesbian, in a relationship, and a childhood friend, so I don't know whether it's acceptable to jump to the conclusion that anything is going on. However, none of those thigns stopped them in the past, and apaprently they've spent all winter break together, so who knows. I just don't know how to read any of this, or how to proceed with my own emotions. I guess I am consciously leaving hope in my heart that thigns will work out, and I don't know if that's the right thing for me to do. If I am to proceed with no hope, though, then I do not want to be friends. I woudl just want to forget about him and never see him again. So that is the decision I have to make: move on, or leave some hope. Every time I log online, he Ims me immediately and tries hard to make conversation (I try to be detached). He also calls every now and then. I am currently in another state and I believe if we were in teh same place he'd also want ot hang out. It just hurts me so much that as I type this out, he is probably hanging out with the lesbian, and it's probably very fun and easy because they're btoh on downtime isntead of stressed with school and life like we always were (since it's winter break)and it's probably exciting and magical since he hasn't seen her for two years, but, like with all exes, there is that element of what if and nostalgia that makes things a little bit sexy. THey probably hug as friends, and since history tends to repeat itslef I bet there's been some making out. I think I am going to barf. I just can't believe that he's managed to move on so fast, to find someone he even CAN be attracted to. Right now I woudln't be able to look at anyone that way even if they were the most perfect person in the world for me. It woudl just feel wrong. On the other hand it's possible that nothing's going...but I don't believe that. There's a feeling in my gut that tells me otherwise, and it's never been wrong. Even if nothing happened, I think he likes her, which already is a massive blow. It won't work out, though, I don't think (I'm pretty sure her lesbianism for the past 4 years won't just disappear, plus she goes to college on the other side of the country), and I think he'll turn to me once he gets lonely. The question is (premature, I know), should I want him back, and under what conditions. Him finding someone else attractive after we broke up and then coming to me when that fails: is that a dealbreaker for most people? Does that mean he doesn't, can't love me? Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Well since he's all up in your IMs, I think it pretty much comes down to what YOU want. Can you trust him again after he's planned a trip with another girl while you were still together and never told you about it?? Can you forgive him for breaking up with you then screwing around?? I think you really need to consider these types of questions, and question him and yourself to get them answered. Also figure out what HE wants.. does he wanna be friends with you? Why is he contacting you?? Maybe in his head he really does just want to be friends.. in which case this is of no interest to you, and you should just stop talking to him. Link to post Share on other sites
RocketMan Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I don't know what advice to give you aside from the stuff you usually hear. Which is that no one responds well to pressure, and that if your girl is having doubts to give her space to figure things out. Usually in situations like this it isn't anything you're doing or issues you have that are pushing her back but rather her own inability to commit to a healthy relationship. So, don't be hard on yourself and realize the situation is outside your control, and more importantly that you deserve someone who is more than lukewarm about being with you. I've been hearing these same thigns and I believe in them but they are hard to put into action. Wish I had some better answers for you, but I guess I'm in the same predicament. =( Thanks for your response Do you think theres anything i can do to maybe help her overcome her doubts? Or will any advances on my part just push her further away? What could your bf have done to win you back, or was it all down to you alone? Thanks Hope everything works out Link to post Share on other sites
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