sungrl Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Hey guys, i wrote in my previous thread how i was nervous about this and it turns out she did text him. It was like 12:45 am. The text i guess was sent to a lot of people b/c it said..happy new year, i love you guys...which also makes me angry b/c of the love part of the text. If this is an ex b/f..i wouldnt be including that in the text when i am sending it to everyone. First of all..let me point out..at one time my b/f told me--he is good with telephone numbers..he says he remembers numbers he hasnt called in like 10 years. NOW--he felt his phone vibrate and its a text from her number(she isnt in his contacts)..and i say who is that..He says HE DOESNT KNOW..he said its not in his contacts and he would call tomorrow to find out. I say again, you don't know who this is? you have no idea?(another thing is..this number is SO EASY..looking at it one time, and i remember it.) So he calls it and we are in a loud place so i cant hear everything he is saying but basically it was like a 37 second phone call saying happy new year and he asked are you home? and so on...and then he told me who it was and that it was her...(Now--another thing is..i wonder if i just let it go and not said anything..and then asked him like a day later oh who was it--i wonder if he would have lied and said it was a guy or wrong number..sometimes i wish i would have but i couldnt help myself, it was how i felt). He told me it was her and i had nothing to worry about..which i hate when some say b/c my friends have even been told that and their b/f was lying through their teeth(not that i am trying to compare) And of course I got mad..i just reacted..i said, you didnt recognize that number and he just says "i'm going to recognize a number i havent dialed in a year?" even though he told me at one point he remembers numbers he hasnt even dialed in a long time and her number is seriously very easy. I said you told me u were good with numbers and u lied to me last year about her calling. He just looks at me with like nothing to say I said why is it necessary for you to be in contact with her and he just says something along the lines of he hasnt spoken to her in like a year and he thinks the last time it was last new years eve or around the holidays. And then he started to try to brush it off and say what do you want me from me and you are going to ruin new years. I said i have to be ok with this and you expect me to? and he just says no you dont but what do you want me to do, tell her dont ever call me again? I didn't say anything to that and a big part of me wanted to say yes, dont pick up her calls or respond and encourage contact but i felt like i couldnt do something like that. I said so you arent going to call her this week? and he tells me no. I said are you lying and thats when he gets mad and begins to walk over to his friends. Basically, i didnt want to ruin new years so i DROPPED IT and we got along for the rest of the night and spend the next day together too.I really wanted to bring up the fact that i think he lied initially when seeing this number and saying i dont know who it is..but i didnt.. i didn't know what my next step should be and that is why i am here...what would you guys do...should i be concerned? Do i bring this up again at a better time? Or drop it altogether and worry if at night he is getting more calls from her(i only see him like 3 nights a week though)I also am really wondering that if i just let it go when i saw that and asked him who it was the next day or something would he have told me it was someone else..Do you guys think i should be worried about any of this? It doesn't seem they are in constant conact but should i be ok with this? And is it wrong to say..no i dont want you to pick up her calls or respond..to me, saying that is fooling myself b/c i think a person would still do it. Please help. I HATE the fact she contacted him even though it was a mass text obviously sent to a few people. I cant help but think of him being reminded of her and maybe he misses her. Advice!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 2, 2007 Author Share Posted January 2, 2007 One of my friends said i dont really have enough evidence to be concerned and thats its not like she is calling him a few times on a friday night to reach him or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 I don't think it means that much, he may have been trying to downplay who it was so you would not get mad. Also, he may genuinely not be as good with #'s as he says or maybe she is just that far away from his mind..... Seriously, a once a year text from an ex, (while annoying because it is on your occasion while you are out), is not enough to really start getting paranoid about. I don't know if you two had really discussed the reason why last year he had pretended she was a guy on the phone, I read an article once that said confronting the lie is not enough, you need to understand what motivated it. It sounds like you are testing him, the unsureness is still there (that you wanted to see if he would volunteer it was her, even though you knew it was) and it is possible that she really was not on his mind. You may need to get your insecurities under control, maybe you can sit down and just have a dialogue in a non blaming way with him that you get upset from her texts, and that it makes you feel like she is still after him and ask "what can we do about this? Is this something I should be threatened by" but if he is not texting back, and the last incident was a year ago when she contacted him--it just makes her look silly. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Try a different approach when talking to him about this. You approached him initially with hostility, he's going to get defensive. Just like you would if he did it to you. What you want is an unbiased, questing for answers, approach. Tell him it bothers you that she called, that you'd like to hear how he feels about it. Ask him questions that aren't phrased to imply he's a lying cheating bastard who won't just tell you the truth. Try something along the lines of... "It bothered me that your ex called, do you know why she calls you?" (said in a curious tone of voice. Not "Why the hell is she calling you?!?!") Stop attacking him, ask more questions that allow him to express his opinion/thoughts without feeling like your judging him. Don't try to set traps for him. Don't imply he's lying.. Just be open to what he has to say, and keep asking quesitons til you feel you have a good grasp of what he's telling you. Then drop it, think through everything he said, figure out if there are holes to the story. Look at the bigger picture, if his actions toward you have changed in the recent past, if he has seemed more distant, less communicative, less willing to do things for or with you... etc. If you decide he's lying to you, then dump him. If you feel he's telling the truth, then figure out why this bothers you so much. Maybe you don't feel it's appropriate to ever talk with an ex? Then share your views with him, see how he feels about it, and try to comprimise. Maybe you are feeling insecure because he implied he wanted to talk with her more when he was on the phone with her? Then explain to him that it would make you feel more secure if he wouldn't say he'd call her back later if he didn't mean it. Talk to him in a way that doesn't sound accusing, or imply he's lying. Don't talk to him like he's not a cheating bastard, but like there's a misunderstanding you want to clarify. If all year he's been a loving and devoted bf, has been showing effort and energy toward making you feel loved, and there hasn't been any breach in communication, then don't automatcially assume he's lying, or being unfaithful. Give him the benefit of the doubt and attempt to talk it through so you can feel more secure with the situation. (a discussion, not an inquisition) Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 2, 2007 Author Share Posted January 2, 2007 i appreciate your though out response so much. THe thing is, i feel like a broken record..i dont know what to ask really..i feel like i have asked it all..i said u think i am supposed to be ok with this? U would be fine if i spoke to an ex, why is it necessary yada yada yada.. i actually dont know how to even bring it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 I have read other threads on this topic and there are many who seem to believe contact with an ex is very weird. If they are an ex and you slept with this person, how is this fair to your current s/o? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Sometimes i read the opinions on here and then feel badly about my relationship, wondering if I should give ultimatums. Some people say they would walk away where there was any contact with an ex, but sometimes I wonder if that is what they want you to do because they can't..... or had not. Each situation is different. You have to take the peculiarities of yours into consideration, it will not be the same as some of the other posters with very negative experiences! You have to find your own path, don't let black and white opinions sway you. If there are more than these once a year texts that is one thing, but I have not met anyone (well-1 person) who is not in contact with any exes ever and ever. Just make your own rules, and speak up and talk it through . Perhaps it is just that you wonder if there is more contact than you are aware of, then you have to ask that , you have a right to know..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 i appreciate your response, the thing is..last year there was more contact than just holidays or whatever..is that acceptable? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 i appreciate your response, the thing is..last year there was more contact than just holidays or whatever..is that acceptable? Well, has it stopped the past year? I think it is important where you are now...the 1st 2 months of my relationship my bf was still close friends with an ex, i found out by reading his emails, I knew they were friends, I was horrified when I saw he was emotionally sharing more with her than with me. I don't regret sneaking to define that, I don't think he thought anything was wrong because things had always been like that between them-- so I almost walked unless he was going to turn down the intensity and lessen contact to a very casual level. I explained that it had to be me that he was sharing with, well fast forward a year and a half, it is. It took awhile for me to trust he was not secretly in contact with her. My point is, it took exactly 1 year and 3 months for me to trust him like I do now. I think the time he pretended she was someone else on the phone in the car may have led to your distrust, sometimes it can be traced to one incident of a white lie and it ruins it all until he earns it back. If you are still resentful of last year only you can decide what too much was, wether he has been truthful the past year, and most importantly-it seems it has changed to almost no contact on his part the last year. What exactly is the root of your mistrust?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 I don't think there has been much contact between them this past year like in the beginning. He told me he didnt hear from her on his birthday when I asked. But now fast forward and its NYE..so now i am worried the contact between them is going to pick up a little. Do you think i should only start worrying if she happens to call one night i am with him? B/c obviously if she calls on a regular thursday night at 9 pm..there is no occassion, no holiday..she is calling to talk and thats not ok with me. I feel it will lead to too much contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 No contact from her on his birthday, nothing the past year except one new yearas eve text.... Why don't you save the worrying for IF any of that stuff actually happens...maybe you are just witnessing the dying out of the casual contact. Maybe there won't be any more texts/emails at all, or just one next year, don't worry until it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 If you don't relax abit about this, your relationship is going to go downhill. I understand that her calling and text messaging everyone with the word love it in has bothered you, and her calling him, talking to him to say hello has upset you, but he is with you, not her. She is his past...A call once in a while isn't a big deal UNLESS he is doing something he shouldn't be doing... Do you trust him? Forget her because you cannot control what she thinks or feels. Do you trust he won't cheat on you? DO you trust him to have a simple conversation with him? Them chitchatting shouldn't worry you that he is going to dump you and run to her. Yes, if her calls become more and more, then that is a problem, then you deal with it head-on, but until then, relax and try to not let this upset you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 do u think i should say something to him? that the context of it was inappropriate as well..you are in a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 My goodness, a 37 second call and a text that was sent to many people with the word "love" in it???????? Come on, you are making a big deal out of nothing. I don't see anything wrong with him calling her to catch up since they don't talk often. Get a grip on your jealousy or you are going to drive him crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 1) How long was he with this ex of his? 2) How long ago did they break up? 3) How long have you two been together? Many people have different opinions on talking with exes. I, for one, don't think it's fair in a relationship to be in constant contact with an ex, HOWEVER, calling to say 'happy birthday' or 'happy holidays' is not really a bad thing. I also had to go through a similar situation as you're going through now, and it really does suck. It makes you feel insecure, jealous, and untrusting. In the beginning stages of our relationship, I told my boyfriend that I didn't feel threatened by his friendship with his ex (they weren't in constant contact, but it was always HER who would e-mail or text him occasionally - he had no feelings towards her at all, it was a mutual break-up, but I didn't want to tell him to stop responding to her, because he was very close with her brother.) However, I always knew that she was very jealous of me, because she didn't want my boyfriend to have a new girlfriend (which is funny, because she has a boyfriend who she lives with.....and I found out from other people that she's always been a very controlling and posessive person). She started texting him inappropriate things such as 'I heard a song on the radio, and thought of you'....and 'I had a dream about you last night'......(My boyfriend showed me these texts)....He told me that he felt they were inappropriate also, and I told him that I was not comfortable with her saying these things. He told me he wanted to write her an e-mail basically telling her to leave him alone, and he wanted me to be there while he wrote it....and that's what he did. He told her that he couldn't be friends with someone who made his girlfriend feel uncomfortable. And guess what? She still hasn't contacted him since, and it's been a few months. If the contact with his ex bothers you, you need to stay something, even if you sound jealous. I chose to hold it in in the beginning, and it only made me feel miserable and extremely insecure. If she continues to contact him and you tell him that their relationship makes you feel uncomfortable, and he responds with anger/defensiveness/or tells you that he won't stop talking to her.....Watch out....that's a huge warning sign. When a guy is truly in love with a girl, he would rather make HER happy then worry about talking to his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 they went out i think longer than a year. he only told a few girls he loves them and she is one of them he said it was a mutual break up. he said she would never go against her family now or if they died..so i am guessing she is of a different religion and thats ultimately why they broke up. maybe they couldnt get too serious. And i guess it was about 3 years ago they broke up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 hey everyone, i know snooping is wrong but i need to check something. You know in a cell phone--they have the option of looking at ALL calls AND usually when you call someone and say you call the exact same person the next day or few days later..it cancels out that last call before it. That's how my phone works and my b/f's phone works(i know that) Now all the calls from NYE are gone. I know he makes a few phone calls while at work but those calls should have been monday since its after midnight. And the all calls options holds a lot of calls..probably like 40 i imagine. He did not make that many calls from tuesday to thursday (i was with him monday so no calls were made) in my opinion that it should cancel out the other calls from NYE after midnight(the ex's call). Which makes me think that he possibly called her this week and it cancelled out the last call and if for some reason i would say i wanna see your phone for something..i could notice that her call is gone NYE b/c he called her sometime this week(cancelling out the other call). So this is my feeling....should i ask him if he has called her?? I am really confused and hurt that he already callled her this week. That is what i am thinking anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 any help or ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Is it really worth it? To be snooping already and you're not even married yet? I'm not a snooper, so I don't have any tips for you except that if it's this bad and you're not married, it's not going to get any better...Sorry to sound cynical... Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Now all the calls from NYE are gone. I know he makes a few phone calls while at work but those calls should have been monday since its after midnight. And the all calls options holds a lot of calls..probably like 40 i imagine. He did not make that many calls from tuesday to thursday (i was with him monday so no calls were made) in my opinion that it should cancel out the other calls from NYE after midnight(the ex's call). Which makes me think that he possibly called her this week and it cancelled out the last call Not sure I understood what you were asking... If I call X person three days ago, then that call will fall lower on the list of my more recent calls. But it still shows. I have nextel, but there's a feature where you can detail the call and it'll show the date and time the call was made. I used to have sprint, and I thought that feature existed too. Can't remember now. Plus, I think I have a limit on the recent calls that show. I'm not sure if it's time related, or number related, but it doesn't show ALL the calls I've ever made, only goes back so far. My bf deletes all his recent calls and text messages. He might keep one or two on there, but trashes all the rest. He's always been like that. If your bf only recently started wipping out recent calls.. then it might be a sign. Or maybe you never noticed before. Or maybe he has negative feelings about that call to the ex, and he erased it so he wouldn't be confronted with it every time he opened his phone. Hard to say... Anyway.. if her name/number is at the top of the recent calls list, then he called her more recently. If it's not ... then he didn't. I'm not sure what the "all calls" list your talking about is, but I assumed you meant the "recent calls" list. Personally, I think you need to present this concern to him in the form of a comprimise. Tell him that you would like him to tell you when he talks to her or she contacts him. In return, you won't blow a nut and it will allow you to feel more comfortable and happy overall. (whatever you do, don't break that comprimise) Maybe offer to do something special with him for being so open and honest with you. He'll be hesitant, but if he ultimately agree's then reward him for it. Do stuff for him that he'll love. If he agree's but doesn't follow through... then figure out if he doesn't trust that you won't get upset and accuse him of cheating, or if he's hiding inappropriate behavior. Be consistent in your message that you won't be upset, and follow through on it. If he fails to hold up his part of the bargin and you're still giving a clear consistent message that you aren't going to get upset if he talks to her... then I would say he's probably emotionally cheating on you. Give him a chance to be honest and open with you. If he won't no matter how calm, rational, and open you are with him... then it's time to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
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