lilli58 Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 My husband cheated on me and has since cut all ties with her. He was seeing her while he was working out of town. He is not working out of town anymore. It has now been three weeks since it has ended and it is effecting our sex life. He tells me that before he had sex with this girl (only seeing each other for three weeks) our sex was full of feeling and emotion on his part, but now he doesn't feel that when we have sex. Why would he feel that way up till her even when we were having problems but since her he doewn't feel anything. He says it is almost like it is just sex and nothing else (no emotions involved). We have both made a commitment to make this marriage work so I guess I don't understand. Is this happening because he feels so guilty that he can not turn those feelings back on? Is it because this is his way of protecting his feelings just in case it doesn't work? He is extremely depressed about it and we are both frustrated. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 It could be anything - guilt, feeling like he's missing out on his secret liaisons, distancing himself from your hurt and pain. Have you considered going to marriage counseling to help you work through the aftermath of his affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilli58 Posted January 2, 2007 Author Share Posted January 2, 2007 I have and we are going. We can not see her for two more weeks and this is just so frustrating. We talk all of the time and our communication is better than it ever has been so I really feel as if he is frustrated and not acting. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 I would agree with Norajane. I am a male...obviously...but I cannot say that I had an afair like your husband did. But yes, I think I can help understand his feelings from a male's POV. My guess is that it stems from guilt and/or the missing of "new sex." The guilt part would be that he no longer shares that bond of sex with you alone during your marriage. In his mind he carries the idea that he has cheated on you. Before when you had sex while he was in the affair, you did not know of the affair. Therefore, he could enjoy sex with you. But now you know. Every time he looks in your eyes, he remembers or see the pain he caused you. He sees her eyes as he had sex with her. No longer does each position or move or technique solely remind him of you. There is now another woman in the bedroom. With time this may diminish, but I believe that only when he feels and accepts your forgiveness and sees that you have moved on can he really enjoy sex again. And yes, this is where marriage counselling will be helpful and important. And unfortunately, the facts are that he did have sex with another woman. This is different than sex he had prior to you with an ex girlfriend. This is something that he could not share with you that happened during his marriage. The sex may have been great. I doubt he will really tell you that, but it doesn't matter. Sex with someone new will always carry a certain thrill. This thrill lasts longer than a few weeks. He probably misses her and the sex they had. And yes, they had a bond. Again, with time and marriage counseling, this can be put behind him. Time is your friend if commitment and the rebuilding of your marriage is your goal. Howver, if you do not try to deal with every emotion, then these issues will keep popping up. Rebuild the trust and friendship as if you just began dating. Act as if you need to impress one another. And above all, be completely open and honest about every concern and emotion that you feel. IMHO this is the best way to move on and enjoy love and intimacy all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilli58 Posted January 2, 2007 Author Share Posted January 2, 2007 Thank you so much. I do feel better now. I am 100% commited to this marriage and trying to get throught his with him. Thank you, thank you, thank you guys! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilli58 Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 ok then can someone explain to me why I am obsessed with her? I can't help but feel as though he is still friends with her. he told me that she text mess. him last week and that he text her back and told her to stop and that it was over. She then called him, which he told me she did, and he told her to stop all of the messages and calling. Ok so he hasn't heard from her since but tonight I looked on his phone and fornd when she called and they talked for 59 min. What the hell did they have to talk about for 59 min if he was telling her to go away? I asked him about it tonight and he said "I don't remember the conversation being for 59 min." I said well that is what the phone said and that was it. I can understand that even though he has held himself accountable for what was done and understands that I don't trust him, and I also understand that no matter how understandable you are after someone is always on your ass about what you are doing, and with who, and always spying on you openly it can get on ones nerves. Everyone has a breaking point. How do I stop obsessing about her and if he is still talking to her? I am trying so hard to move on but I am always trying to "catch" him at something now. I am frustrated with myself and fear that I might ruin what we are trying to do. I can not see my counsiler for two more weeks and I am going out of my mind. Any advice will be appreciated. P.S. Please ignore my spelling I type fast and I just don't care to fix every mistake. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Okeydokey Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I am so sorry lilli. I've been there. You feel like you are going nuts - checking text messages, checking pockets, checking their e-mail. I really felt like I was going crazy. Your situation does not sound healthy to me because I remember how unhealthy I felt being there too. For me, afteryears of obsessive checking and catching (bc there was always something to catch and always an explanation and a promise that it was over) I grew tired of it all - of the relationship and of the drain on my happiness. Since you do want to work through it - the only solution for you and your husband is complete and honest communication (irrespective of how painful the truthful content may be). If he talked to her for 59 minutes and if she is still messaging him then they are still in communication and it sounds like good communication. You are telling him to stop. So, it is easier for him to tell you "it has stopped" and "I don't remember the 59 minutes" then to tell you the truth. I also told SO to stop and he tole me lies about whether it had or had not stopped. If I were to do it all over again, I would ask more questions and do less telling, that is telling about my feelings and telling SO what to do. Questions like, "do you still have feelings for OW?" and "if it were not for us, do you think you would still be involved with her?" and "in the ideal world for you, what sort of relationship would you like to maintain with OW?" That will get you more useful information and more reliable information. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilli58 Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 thanks for the reply...we talk pretty openly about her. I have been checking and ahe has not called or text him since that conversation. He is not working there anymore and is in town now so it is that much harder for them to see eachother. I do feel as though he has stopped contacting her but I am obsessed still about it. He has a lot of issues to work through of his own and I have my own to work through. I just feel as though I am going to ruin what we are trying to accomplish. I am one of those people that always tells how I feel, sometimes not so nicely, but I always talk about everything, and after this happened our communication has been like never before. He never used to talk but now he is so open about things. This affair opened out eyes to a lot of negative things in our relationship. I am partly to blame for this too. He hurt me in the past and I lashed out by cutting him off and not talking to him about why and staying bitter and resentful. He gave me lots of opportunity to talk about it and fix it but I just wanted to stay bitter and hold a grudge. The one and only time I didn't talk about everything. So I want to make it work and I love him so very much, but I am so scared that I am going to ruin it. I need to stop obsessing over her and what happened but I don't know how! Link to post Share on other sites
Okeydokey Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I hate to hear you talk about it as you ruining it. I used to think about things like that too and I remember that feeling so well. It is hard. Try to own your jealousy. What I mean by that is this. The reason that you are acting obsessive and trying to catch him is because he gave you a reason to believe that there was something to catch. If you haven't done this already, I would sit him down and explain the following. "Look, Im not really myself right now. This affair really messed with my head. I want to ask you to just be patient with me and my way of coping with the A. Something that is helping me to trust you is by checking your stuff and realizing that there is nothing there to find. Eventually when I am comfortable and confident in the relationship again then it will stop. And IT WILL STOP when you get bored of never finding anything. I want you to understand that this does not mean that I am not giving trust a good faith effort because I am. And my checking up on you is helping me to rebuild that trust in you." Hope that helps. Because that really is what you are doing and why you are doing it. I explained that to my SO and he completely understood and was supportive about my checking... unfortunately the As didn't stop for him, but I hope your situation is different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilli58 Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Thanks....that does help me. I will try that. Hopefully he will understand tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 lilli, you might want to post your new threads in the Infidelity forum, which is where betrayed spouses post. You're more likely to find husbands and wives there who have been through what you've been through and can offer their insights. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilli58 Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 thanks I will do that Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I'm a happily married man. I mean very happily. My wife and I have been together for 16 years and are best friends. I would not do anything in the world to hurt her. I still fantasize about having an affair, and wonder what would happen if put in a position where I truely believed my wife would never find out. I like to believe I'd call and ask her permission, and assure her it's just about the sex and nothing more. We don't have an open relationship, but I kind of think she might understand and It would be worse to not talk to her about it and have her find out later. I think the desire to have sex with other partners is built into us. So is the desire to possess something special with just one person. I don't believe that they are mutually exclusive. If you can understand how he might be tempted and how this might have come to pass, tell him so. Tell him honestly what hurt you about it, whether it was that he slept with another woman and you're jealous, or that he lied to you or that he broke the marraige vow, or whatever. Then encourage him to come clean. You may not want to hear all of the details of what happened, but if it truely was just about having sex, and not because he was looking for an alternative relationship, then maybe you can forgive him and he can get beyond the guilt. Just make sure you set down clearly what your expectations are in the future regarding communication and maybe this won't be unsurmountable. I'm not saying give him permission to screw around. I'm saying recognize a part of our human nature and realize sex can be just sex for men (and I think women too). What he did may not mean he has any problem with your relationship or was looking for anything you don't provide. I may just mean he was horny and made a bad choice. My wife is the best partner/companion/lover I think is possible. I don't want another relationship. I still get turned on when an attractive woman gives me attention and shows an interest. With a few drinks and in the right situation, I can certaily understand how this kind of thing could happen. Link to post Share on other sites
JamieB Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I had an affair that led to divorce. My ex and I got through it and are very amicable now. We talk about how we both screwed up. Now I am in a new relationship and am starting to be suspicious of my new boyfriend's behavior. (i have posted about it). Keep in mind that call logs can be erased, as can specific calls. Text messages can be erased. Emails can be deleted, and new email accounts that you don't know about opened. Trust me, I have done these very things in the past to keep my behavior secretive. That is why it is so hard for me now being on the other side, because I know that even having "total access" to information can be a false security blanket. Just something to keep in mind. I don't want to be a downer here. It just sounds like you are a lot like me, and having a lot of the same feelings about our SO's deceit. Link to post Share on other sites
sandybelle Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 My wife is the best partner/companion/lover I think is possible. I don't want another relationship. I still get turned on when an attractive woman gives me attention and shows an interest. With a few drinks and in the right situation, I can certaily understand how this kind of thing could happen. Hi Guest First I want to congratulate you for having such a wonderful marriage. I'm sure most people envy you. I'm sorry for deviating from the subject a little bit... I posted about something similar few days ago and I'd like to know your pov about it. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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