Time for a rant, CaliGuy style :)

[2sunny]

At least you are the man - with choices...

 

Men can marry women MUCH younger and have kids at a further age than women; leaving them more choices as the years move along...

 

All the men I know want a gal that is 20 years younger....

[Porn_Guy]

I refuse to "settle" and I guess if that means I am going to remain single the rest of my life so be it.

Life is all about compromise CG....what you call "settling". If you refuse to compromise then you will have a very lonely and unhappy life.

[T-Lady]

Hey CaliGuy! I think you and D-Lish should talk. I think you would make a cute couple & cute kids!

[MagnoliaJane]

CaliGuy,

 

Or maybe you're too rational, recognize the women with emotional baggage earlier than the rest of the men out there, and won't get yourself into trouble

 

Question is, are you happy with yourself? If the answer is yes, that's all you need to know. I'd rather be happy, single and never married at 37 than divorced or in an unhappy marriage! And I have often secretly envied particular couples to find out later that their marriage wasn't as it appeared from the outside...

 

I'm not looking for Mr. Right. If he comes along, fine. If he doesn't, fine too. I also refuse to go and sell myself on a dating site and work my way through dating 500 men. Where's the magic there?

[suchislife]

ok, question...

 

Is having kids or having been married before an issue with you, if they have no baggage about it? That does happen, you know. People who have kids and have been married get looked at like something is wrong with them too.

 

Forget about not being married, yet. It doesn't mean something is wrong - maybe it just wasn't right - just like someone who has been married before. They aren't tainted, just tried something that didn't work. It happens... Plus, if you look at how much people change compared to how long we live today - people evolve and grow tremendously - if they choose to. That explains why some people don't always stay together. It isn't always because there was terrible drama. I know you want a "clean" start, but life is messy.

 

I think you sound great. I understand your fears and yes, as I am still in the recovery process of dealing with the Mad Texter, I can relate to meeting people with major issues.

 

It's hard and lonely, but I'll be ok. There is someone for you and someone for me. It will happen when you forget about it.

 

Don't settle and don't give up. Maybe just rethink it a little...

[Mollyanna]

It doesn't matter where you live. I move about every 2 years, I swear.

 

I keep falling into the same relationships - to emotionally unavailable men. Or to men who have already had their marriages and/or children and don't want that with me.

 

So what did I start doing? I settled. My last boyfriend (who I love) is not the right person on paper at all. But I threw myself into the relationship because I thought at my age (34), I should be married by now. And I ended up falling in love with him for his good qualities, and let some of his bad qualities rub off on me...

 

I have a college degree, an outgoing funny personality, an awesome career, many talents, and I am a GIVER to a fault. So how come even a drug addict womanizer doesn't want me?

 

NOW i have baggage.

[norajane]

I keep falling into the same relationships - to emotionally unavailable men.

 

So how come even a drug addict womanizer doesn't want me?

 

Because a drug addict womanizer IS NOT an emotionally available man. You fell into another relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.

[Green]

maybe you should take one of those love trips to russia to find a wife. or you could go to Canada women are different there. you could also try going to europe to find women.

[Mollyanna]

Because a drug addict womanizer IS NOT an emotionally available man. You fell into another relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.

 

Yeah I tend to romanticize that I can help them. These men always promise me they are trying to sort their lives out. I put a lot of faith in them and then a year later, nothing about them has changed.

 

Why would I think I am so powerful that I can heal them?

[norajane]

Why would I think I am so powerful that I can heal them?

 

Why do you feel the need to try?

[Mollyanna]

Why do you feel the need to try?

 

I hate to give up on people. I see some beautiful part of them that I latch onto. I believe their words they want to change. I listen to their sad stories that brought them to the road they are on, and I grieve with them. Suddenly I spend more time worrying about their lives than I do my own. I let them consume me.

 

**sorry Cali - didnt mean to hijack your thread. It's just a lot was said here that got me all stirred up.**

[CaliGuy]

maybe you should take one of those love trips to russia to find a wife. or you could go to Canada women are different there. you could also try going to europe to find women.

 

Uhhh no. That's desperate, not love.

 

Is having kids or having been married before an issue with you, if they have no baggage about it? That does happen, you know. People who have kids and have been married get looked at like something is wrong with them too.

 

Yes, and I will tell you why. I did not make those mistakes when I was younger and I didn't want to have to deal with an ex wife and putting kids through that. Is it too much to expect me to find someone who is in her late 20s to mid 30s who hasn't made those mistakes as well? I don't want those issues in my life. I don't think they are condusive to a long, happy marriage. I know some people can deal with it, I just don't want to.

 

Forget about not being married, yet. It doesn't mean something is wrong - maybe it just wasn't right - just like someone who has been married before. They aren't tainted, just tried something that didn't work. It happens... Plus, if you look at how much people change compared to how long we live today - people evolve and grow tremendously - if they choose to. That explains why some people don't always stay together. It isn't always because there was terrible drama. I know you want a "clean" start, but life is messy.

 

I don't fault anyone for past mistakes. My sister, brother and friends have all made those mistakes. I don't look down on them for it, I just learned from their mistakes. I do agree the right one hasn't come along yet, but sheesh, I would have thought at 37 I'd be rocking the house with my wife by now, ya know?

 

Or maybe you're too rational, recognize the women with emotional baggage earlier than the rest of the men out there, and won't get yourself into trouble

 

True and not true. I can recongize it even more having fallen for someone with emotional baggage and then taken to the cleaners emotionally myself. But I have recovered and now my heightened sense of awareness has gotten me to the point that if I see a red flag, I walk. No questions asked. Maybe that is the problem?

 

Question is, are you happy with yourself? If the answer is yes, that's all you need to know. I'd rather be happy, single and never married at 37 than divorced or in an unhappy marriage! And I have often secretly envied particular couples to find out later that their marriage wasn't as it appeared from the outside...

 

I'm more happy with myself that I've ever been, I would say. I am only unhappy when I think about still being single. Other than that, my life is perfect and I couldn't ask for anything more. I have been blessed.

 

Hey CaliGuy! I think you and D-Lish should talk. I think you would make a cute couple & cute kids!

 

She's still waiting for her ex to come 'round and she's also many miles away....

[climbergirl]

.

 

Yes, and I will tell you why. I did not make those mistakes when I was younger and I didn't want to have to deal with an ex wife and putting kids through that. Is it too much to expect me to find someone who is in her late 20s to mid 30s who hasn't made those mistakes as well? I don't want those issues in my life. I don't think they are condusive to a long, happy marriage. I know some people can deal with it, I just don't want to.

 

 

I don't fault anyone for past mistakes. My sister, brother and friends have all made those mistakes. I don't look down on them for it, I just learned from their mistakes. I do agree the right one hasn't come along yet, but sheesh, I would have thought at 37 I'd be rocking the house with my wife by now, ya know?

....

 

First, I respect your preference on not dating someone who has been married/had kids. To each their own........I think it's already been pointed out on this thread that there can be a stigma on having gone down that road (of marriage/kids-or no marriage/kids by a certain age).

 

But I do think the (noted) times that you've mentioned 'mistake' gives a little insight into your personality, and does make you seem a bit judgemental. It's a bit demeaning to peer into someones life and stamp MISTAKE on a life changing event such as having children or getting divorced-some of these 'mistakes' actually do make a better person.

 

Again, I'm not knocking your decision to avoid those who have been married/had kids (the pool thins considerable by age 40), but your choice of words do make you appear that you think you are..........um...superior. That is not an attractive quality.

[2sunny]

Is it possible that you are looking for a gal in the wrong place?

 

Do you - as you say -as a believer - look when you go to church - if you go?

 

You may find your best prospects for your mindset there....

[Porn_Guy]

Do you - as you say -as a believer - look when you go to church - if you go?

 

You may find your best prospects for your mindset there....

I don't think he's interested in the church girls...they are too nice.

[Lonestar]

 

Again, I'm not knocking your decision to avoid those who have been married/had kids (the pool thins considerable by age 40), but your choice of words do make you appear that you think you are..........um...superior. That is not an attractive quality.

 

Sorry CaliGuy, but I completely agree with this. I respect your decision not to date divorced women with children, but every time I read the word "mistake," I lost respect for you.

[amaysngrace]

First, I respect your preference on not dating someone who has been married/had kids.

 

Do you really?

 

I was a single mom before I got married and didn't want a guy with kids. Go figure.

 

When my exH and I were splitting up I told him he needs to find a girl who's never been married so no kids are involved but ours.

 

Now I'm between two guys, neither one has children and one is divorced. In fact the one I really like to be with has never been married at all.

 

And I have three kids by two different men. Is that superior? Or just smart?

[CaliGuy]

Sorry CaliGuy, but I completely agree with this. I respect your decision not to date divorced women with children, but every time I read the word "mistake," I lost respect for you.

 

I'm not trying to score points here and as I said, I have my own faults. We all make mistakes and I've made plenty myself.

 

My point is, I don't want to have to deal with other people's issues. Whether they are called mistakes or bad decisions or such, I just don't want to deal with it.

 

That's my choice and something I won't compromise on.

[CaliGuy]

I don't think he's interested in the church girls...they are too nice.

 

Some of the best women I have met have been at Chruch. They're not all too nice, I just go to a big church and it's hard to meet people, believe it or not.

[CaliGuy]

And I have three kids by two different men. Is that superior? Or just smart?

 

My mom had three kids with three different fathers. I had to deal with step dads who treated me like crap. I never even met my father.

 

Maybe that's where it's coming from?

[amaysngrace]

My mom had three kids with three different fathers. I had to deal with step dads who treated me like crap. I never even met my father.

 

Maybe that's where it's coming from?

 

Could be. Maybe you associate being a step-dad as a negative. So therefore you'll avoid it at all costs, no compromise?

[CaliGuy]

First, I respect your preference on not dating someone who has been married/had kids. To each their own........I think it's already been pointed out on this thread that there can be a stigma on having gone down that road (of marriage/kids-or no marriage/kids by a certain age).

 

But I do think the (noted) times that you've mentioned 'mistake' gives a little insight into your personality, and does make you seem a bit judgemental. It's a bit demeaning to peer into someones life and stamp MISTAKE on a life changing event such as having children or getting divorced-some of these 'mistakes' actually do make a better person.

 

Again, I'm not knocking your decision to avoid those who have been married/had kids (the pool thins considerable by age 40), but your choice of words do make you appear that you think you are..........um...superior. That is not an attractive quality.

 

I had to take some time to think about this.

 

I do not think I am superior to anyone. I don't think that is the case or why I feel that way. I think growing up in broken home with two step fathers who never treated me like a son (at best, a bastard step child), watching my sister fail at 2 marriages, my brother fail at two marriages as well as my aunts fail at marriages made me extremely cautious.

 

I don't look at other people's children as mistakes. I think we often make irrational choices when we marry at a young age.

 

I love kids and always have. One of my dreams is to be not only a great husband but a great father as well. I know what growing up unloved feels like and I would never put a child through that. I also know what growing up in a broken home does to a child.

 

From my perspective, a failed marriage is a mistake because with my religious beliefs, I think that aside from infidelity or physical/mental abuse or neglect, people can and should work harder to salvage/repair/renew a marriage.

 

I knew those comments might offend some people and granted, I should have used better verbiage to describe my feelings on the subject.

 

I guess when you've seen the world of marriage through my eyes it can easily place a negative opinion on the subject. I do believe those thoughts had been running through my mind from the age of 18-31. I didn't want to "make a mistake" and marry the wrong person or father a child in a broken home (there's no way my children are going to feel unloved by their dad).

 

I do know that I would not be happy in a relationship where there are children and an ex husband to contend with. That's an issue I don't want to deal with. It doesn't mean I think the woman is unworthy or less than equal. It just means that it's an issue that I have trouble dealing with.

 

And having read some of the issues other men have faced when placed under these circumstances, it has soured me on the whole thought.

 

And FWIW I have dated women who had children and from my own experience, I know that I would take a back seat in the relationship to the needs of the child. Granted that is something that I can fully understand but I do not think that it's a good way to start a relationship. When I am married and have kids together my wife and I will make the children a priority.

 

I'll be happy taking a back seat to my own kids.

 

I'm just not sure I'd like to start a relationship that way.

 

And FWIW, my brother in law is dealing with this issue now and he's more of a man than I am in that respect. He has dealt with being the last man on the totem pole in my sister's life. I know she loves him, but her kids come first. And yes, sometimes that chaps his hide and I understand where he is coming from. It's not a good position to be in when you're trying to make a marriage work.

 

Again, I never said I was perfect and I freely admit I have faults. Perhaps my stubborness in this area is the main reason I am single. But venting my issue without being honest and open would not do me a bit of good. How am I supposed to be elightened if I am not honest about my own issues?

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I strongly recommend you, CaliGuy, move to another city [ -San Diego].

 

A fresh breath of air, allowing you to see different sides of people outside of your territory -or rather, personal vision of the world/habitat.

 

I believe you have confined yourself into a square shaped cave. This is not necessarily a bad thing at all, but a gloomy and restrictive approach. Living your life in a specific manner, expressing the tough man within you -and only being the best you can be, has set negative repercussions on your love life.

 

Believing that the woman you seek for yourself should reflect traits you possess is all great and beautiful in writing. However, there are numerous pockets of errors women hold. As a result, acquiring a better understanding of your inner limits in regards to compassion, empathy, and the joys of giving to others. Why do you think woman fall for tender, charity giving men?

 

Everything you have said is legitimate, and overly uplifting but it lacks a combination of sturdiness and mellowness. Perhaps you have set the bar so high that if a woman with great inner pain from past experiences had the chance to express her thoughts to you -it would be difficult for her to reach out to you in a non-humiliating, honest, and appropriate way.

 

I believe you need [my sole opinion] to stretch your horizons.

 

The women church goers are dime a dozen, but very few live up to the standard of chastity, confidence, well-establishment, and gracefulness. And most often than not, men respect and appreciate women with such qualities.

 

Apologies for the excessive rambling.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[Touche]

Wow, this has been very interesting. I have a couple of comments to add.

 

My sister is 44 years old. She's never been married. She's smart and attractive. Why is she still alone? Could be any number of reasons but let me tell you about this conversation I had with her when I met my husband.

 

She asked me all about him of course. He's from a small southern town. He grew up poor. My sister and I grew up on the Upper East side of Manhattan (among other places) and went to a very exclusive private school.

 

Anyway, right away she formed an opinion about him based on his background. She further probed and wanted to know what his culinary tastes were as she fancies herself a little gourmande. I told her that he was just your basic "meat and potatoes" man. She said "Ugh...how can you be with someone like that?"

 

My jaw dropped. It was SO superficial. She told me she just could never be with someone who doesn't appreciate good food the way we do. I told her I could give a flip about his food preferences. It's his character that matters to me.

 

She has such an unrealistic list of requirements in her mate that I'm afraid she's destined to be alone.

 

As for me, after I divorced my ex (thank god we had no kids) my only big requirement, other than good character of course, was that he not have kids from a previous marriage.

 

So guess what happened? I met this man and on our first date he pulls out a picture of his young son. My heart sank. I VOWED I wouldn't go out with a man who had children. Like you, I did NOT want that drama...I had "been there, done that" already.

 

But the thing is is that he was perfect in every other way. And I knew I was being very unrealistic to think that at 33 (and I didn't want to date younger) that I would find a man with no previous history.

 

I decided to see where it went. I broke my own vow to myself. And I'll tell you what. It was HELL for awhile dealing with the ex and my stepson's issues.

 

But thank GOD, I ignored my stupid vow because I've never met a man like my husband....ever.

 

He's one in a million. We have a beautiful son together and we'll be celebrating our 12th anniversary this year.

 

As for the ex, well we're friends now. We take vacations together with her husband sometimes and we get together for all the holidays. (This was actually the first year in years that we didn't because we're in the middle of a moving.) My stepson and I are close and our son loves his big bro.

 

Please keep your eyes WIDE OPEN. Don't put blinders on. I almost rejected the love of my life because of my "requirements." It's hard enough to find the right person without limiting yourself. I'm not saying to settle. I really didn't. I just had to go through a little drama and lots of adjusting but in the end it was worth it.

 

It's really true what they say...good things really don't come easily.

[CaliGuy]

RE:

 

I strongly recommend you, CaliGuy, move to another city [ -San Diego].

 

A fresh breath of air, allowing you to see different sides of people outside of your territory -or rather, personal vision of the world/habitat.

 

This is definitely in the works. I would love nothing better than to start in a new town and gain a new perspective on life. I don't really have anything keeping me here in OC.

 

I believe you have confined yourself into a square shaped cave. This is not necessarily a bad thing at all, but a gloomy and restrictive approach. Living your life in a specific manner, expressing the tough man within you -and only being the best you can be, has set negative repercussions on your love life.

 

I'm not sure that is exactly the case. I have always been open to a new relationship, I am just finding that having learned some cold hard lessons that I will pay attention to red flags. Ignoring them in the past is what caused my pain. I did it to myself, they didn't do it to me.

 

Believing that the woman you seek for yourself should reflect traits you possess is all great and beautiful in writing. However, there are numerous pockets of errors women hold. As a result, acquiring a better understanding of your inner limits in regards to compassion, empathy, and the joys of giving to others. Why do you think woman fall for tender, charity giving men?

 

People who know me know that I a very charitable with both my time and my money. As for being tender, I wouldn't use that word with me. Kind, yes. Caring, yes. Tender? I'm not sure. I probably could stand a little more tenderness (That reminds me a of song: "Tenderness, where is the teeeeenderness.....where is it?")

 

Everything you have said is legitimate, and overly uplifting but it lacks a combination of sturdiness and mellowness. Perhaps you have set the bar so high that if a woman with great inner pain from past experiences had the chance to express her thoughts to you -it would be difficult for her to reach out to you in a non-humiliating, honest, and appropriate way.

 

My ex had great inner pain from a past relationship and when I met her, she was angry and hated men. I tried to help her recover. What ended up happening was I helped her get healthy at the expense of my own emotional well-being. It was a hard lesson to learn and while I am back to 100% again, the experience has soured me on women who are in pain. Really, is a woman in pain really ready for a realtionship? Shouldn't we fix ourselves first?

 

In order to have a healthy relationship we must first be fully recovered from the last.

 

I believe you need [my sole opinion] to stretch your horizons.

 

The women church goers are dime a dozen, but very few live up to the standard of chastity, confidence, well-establishment, and gracefulness. And most often than not, men respect and appreciate women with such qualities.

 

Apologies for the excessive rambling.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

 

I appreciate the kind comments. There ARE some great women at Church. My good friend went through a similar experience to me. Not two months after being dumped he met a wonderful, kind and drop dead gorgeous woman from his small group. That was 18 months ago and they are now engaged.

 

Christians by nature of imperfect and very capable of sin. I've never claimed to be perfect and as I said earlier, I have my own problems. The thing is, I'm making every effort I can to correct my bad behaviors and thoughts and improve wherever I can.

 

I should point out that the women I am meeting, their problems aren't just things I could easily overlook if I was in love. These are genuine major issues. Things like oh, I dunno, lying about themselves in one fashion or another...no career, no goals, no ambition, no zest for life, etc.

 

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful reply.