Green Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hey I'm 22 impart this oh to know what you know knowledge onto me... take a trip to Montreal you'll find a woman to marry you there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 I don't doubt I would find a good woman in Canada. There seems to be a lot of them up there. Why can't we just migrate all the great ones down here. It's warm here. I like being warm..... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I don't doubt I would find a good woman in Canada. There seems to be a lot of them up there. Why can't we just migrate all the great ones down here. It's warm here. I like being warm..... Well, stay warm wherever you are. If you're warm and if you're open and if you're not too cocky, then in time you will meet a woman who is also that way. Be patient. It will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
dr strangelove Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 The long standing rumour Cali-Guy is that american men dont like to go....... "DOWNTOWN". So there-in, lies your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 The long standing rumour cali-guy is that american men dont like to go "downtown", so there in lies your answer. Interesting...Speaking as an American woman, I've never been with a man who DIDN'T want to visit "downtown." Link to post Share on other sites
CosmoBella Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I think I am a catch - heck I know I am (without trying to sound arrogant here or without comparing myself to other men). I know what the cut of my jib is, so to speak and I feel completely confident that I will make someone very happy one day. CG, Been reading your thread... I don't want to offend you in any way but you say you don't want a "perfect" woman but every woman and man out here have their skeletons in their closets. And by your thread it really looks like you only want to date that "perfect" woman from now on. Red flags pop out in every relationship and you learn to work with them. Give women you meet a chance. You seem like a complete catch, pretty cute for a 37 year old. Link to post Share on other sites
Tormented Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Tell you what, Cali...things aren't much better up here in Northern California either. In fact, I think it's worse. Northern California is comprised of several small towns, especially up here in the Sierra's, diminishing the pool of "available singles,"....doubly so for "quality" singles. In my town, you've got a choice of married men looking to have a little "fling," (NO THANX), or mountain men who look as though they haven't seen a bar of soap in a year, or the employed...living on public assistance and Medical, or druggies/drunks, or the straight-out hillbillies who think flashing you a toothless smile is a turn-on! Eeeek! It's so bad that there's this outstanding joke in this area. The saying is..."if you want a quality mate, you've got to import them!" That'd be funny if it weren't true. I'm not in to the bar scene, so that's out. I don't believe in dating people you work with (did that once and it was a disaster!), and dating services are a joke. I've heard nothing but horror stories from friends and co-workers who tried those dating sites...even those that are supposedly "high quality." So...I'm a bit discouraged as you are. I'd rather be single than "settle" for less than what I want. To my way of thinking...there are far worse things than being single. One of them is to wake up next to a man at the age of 70 who I have grown to despise but too damn old to do anything about it. :::shudder:::: ~T~ Link to post Share on other sites
CarolAnne Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Just wondering about the ex you keep mentioning. You say that she was extremely pretty, yet a horrible person. And that you proposed to her... This is something I've always wondered about guys. You know for a fact that she is going to age and become all white haired and wrinkled in the future. Even botox and face lifts can't stop this from happening. So WHY would you date someone who is as you say, a completely rotten person inside knowing full well that her outer appearance is just temporary? It just strikes me as odd that you with your good career and hard working ethic would be in a relationship with someone who is awful on the inside and soon enough will be awful on the outside too. You were guaranteed to lose anyway, yet you keep bringing it up wistfully. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Just wondering about the ex you keep mentioning. You say that she was extremely pretty, yet a horrible person. And that you proposed to her... This is something I've always wondered about guys. You know for a fact that she is going to age and become all white haired and wrinkled in the future. Even botox and face lifts can't stop this from happening. So WHY would you date someone who is as you say, a completely rotten person inside knowing full well that her outer appearance is just temporary? It just strikes me as odd that you with your good career and hard working ethic would be in a relationship with someone who is awful on the inside and soon enough will be awful on the outside too. You were guaranteed to lose anyway, yet you keep bringing it up wistfully. Was my ex a horrible person? When she wanted out of the relationship she was, but when she was into it, she was very, very good. I guess I had hung on to the good in her and ignored the bad. She was letting me know "I am not into you anymore" and I wasn't listening. That is why I think some people hang on to people who are mean to them. She tried everything to push me away and at the time I clung on to her for dear life, hoping the good person I had come to know and love would come back. The fault was mine for not walking away when I should have, when I knew deep inside she didn't want to be with me. But that's water under the bridge now. Yes, when she ages all that will be left is what is inside. (Aand she is already, her skin is aging fast and she looks older than 29. In fact at dinner one night two nice old ladies thought that she was MUCH older than me - haha) In the end what happened was what was best for me. Now the road is clear for someone who is right for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 So...I'm a bit discouraged as you are. I'd rather be single than "settle" for less than what I want. most people have to "settle" in most areas af their lives. it is reality. if you don't accept that fact than your life will be miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 most people have to "settle" in most areas af their lives. it is reality. if you don't accept that fact than your life will be miserable. maybe settle to some degree... but I disagree with the words "most areas" life is about compromises... but if the commonalities are present and attraction is at a high level - then settling souldn't be in MOST AREAS... Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 life is about compromises... but if the commonalities are present and attraction is at a high level - then settling souldn't be in MOST AREAS... I not talking just about romantic partners...i'm talking about all aspects of your life including your family, career, kids (if any), love, finances, blah blah blah.... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 maybe settle to some degree... but I disagree with the words "most areas" life is about compromises... but if the commonalities are present and attraction is at a high level - then settling souldn't be in MOST AREAS... I absolutely agree. In fact, speaking for myself, the only area in which I "settled" was in regards to my H having had a child from a previous marriage. Other than that, I didn't settle at all in any other areas whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I not talking just about romantic partners...i'm talking about all aspects of your life including your family, career, kids (if any), love, finances, blah blah blah.... sorry - too general of a statement for me to agree. i really don't "settle" - mainly because i tend to be a happy gal - even if it involves nothing... grew up very poor -but in a great home - great family - lots of love.... adult life - had anything i wanted.. don't need or want any material things now... they are completely unimportant... happy - and no need to "settle" i believe when you are happy with yourself - all the settle stuff/material stuff is just artificial... and possibly a substitute for something else that is missing... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 i believe when you are happy with yourself - all the settle stuff/material stuff is just artificial... and possibly a substitute for something else that is missing... I think that's the most important thing in life. If you are happy with who you are then you won't be seeking approval from others or material things to fill whatever voids exist in your life. For me, I have all that I want and need. I'd just like to be involved and married one day. But that will come in time. When Ms. Right finds me, I'm gonna rock her frikken world Link to post Share on other sites
Guest-shortcakes Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Well, this has been a very interesting thread to read and I find myself becoming slightly defensive as a young woman who sadly is divorced. I think Cali you are to be commended on your good decisions and efforts to learn from those around you. I too have always tried to benefit from the mistakes or bad judgements my siblings and parents committed and it has worked for me too. I would however, like to plea with you for the women who like myself have been hurt and that should not be punished for that or lose opportunities to be with fine men like yourself that are the real deal. I have been hurt in an unimaginable way by someone I loved and trusted. However, I don't believe I am damaged or not good enough for someone now. Every relationship is complicated and as long as you learn from your past relationships then you will be a better person for it and able to be a better partner to someone else. I think as you have been scarred by a woman that you cared for is how people feel about the dissolving of their marriages. (in some cases) I think if you make a list as you have done of the perfect person and resolve not to settle for anything less, you will surely be alone forever. The perfect person does not exist the perfect person is what you make of it. I think the good stuff is the quirks is the nuances about people that only you get to share with someone. If she was perfect it would be boring. I believe in arguments in healthy relationships and disagreements and challenges of each other's beliefs and ideas. It is through these productive disagreements that you learn the most about people. I am sure you will say that you are not looking for a 'perfect' person but, you have completely removed a large group of people from your pool based on the fact that they have been married before. The logic behind your argument for discounting this group is not sound. I hear you that yes ideally if we lived in Disneyworld (not mocking I swear) no one would be divorced and everyone would find their prince. But, the real world is messy and complicated and people change it is sad when a marriage breaks up especially when kids are involved! But, I believe that these situations can make people stronger and more interesting and more defined as to what they want and don't want just as you have done. Trust me I am no advocate for divorce, I am most days embarrassed that I have been and in some ways feel robbed of having that first experience with the man I will spend the rest of my life with. But, it will be special because it will be right. All I am saying is I think for someone so intelligent and well rounded you are being a little close minded in the criteria for inclusion/exclusion. We all have been hurt and we all have a past and it is these pasts that make us the special individuals we are today. ok so sorry for being long winded and I hope I have not offended you in anyway, not my intention. Good luck to you, she is out there I just hope you don't ignore her because of some predefined checklist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Well, this has been a very interesting thread to read and I find myself becoming slightly defensive as a young woman who sadly is divorced. I think Cali you are to be commended on your good decisions and efforts to learn from those around you. I too have always tried to benefit from the mistakes or bad judgements my siblings and parents committed and it has worked for me too. Thanks. Watching my family marry and divorce and remarry and divorce had a profound effect on me, I'd say. I would however, like to plea with you for the women who like myself have been hurt and that should not be punished for that or lose opportunities to be with fine men like yourself that are the real deal. I understand that and like I said, it's my preference. I wouldn't rule out someone who had been married and has children but also remember that it's going against me as well. I've been rejected as a possible candidate because I didn't decide to marry before I was ready. I have been hurt in an unimaginable way by someone I loved and trusted. However, I don't believe I am damaged or not good enough for someone now. Every relationship is complicated and as long as you learn from your past relationships then you will be a better person for it and able to be a better partner to someone else. I think as you have been scarred by a woman that you cared for is how people feel about the dissolving of their marriages. (in some cases) I'm not saying that those who have been married and divorced are damaged by any means. But most of the women my age have kids and are DONE with having more. I want a family and children of my own. That is imporant to me and I've found most 35+ women are not interested in having more kids. I think if you make a list as you have done of the perfect person and resolve not to settle for anything less, you will surely be alone forever. The perfect person does not exist the perfect person is what you make of it. I think the good stuff is the quirks is the nuances about people that only you get to share with someone. If she was perfect it would be boring. I believe in arguments in healthy relationships and disagreements and challenges of each other's beliefs and ideas. It is through these productive disagreements that you learn the most about people. Like I said, those are preferences and if I met someone who had been married and had children but knocked my socks off, who I am to say no? I am sure you will say that you are not looking for a 'perfect' person but, you have completely removed a large group of people from your pool based on the fact that they have been married before. The logic behind your argument for discounting this group is not sound. Sound based on what? What I would prefer or just what comes along? See, I set up my preferences based on my ideal mate and if I should find someone that doesn't meet all the qualifications but really draws me in I am not going to push her away. I think it's important for me to know what I want because if I don't, then how am I going to find anyone? Do I just go in blindly or do I go in with a rough sketch of what I am looking for? I hear you that yes ideally if we lived in Disneyworld (not mocking I swear) no one would be divorced and everyone would find their prince. But, the real world is messy and complicated and people change it is sad when a marriage breaks up especially when kids are involved! But, I believe that these situations can make people stronger and more interesting and more defined as to what they want and don't want just as you have done. I don't think it's going to be impossible for me to find someone say 26-34 who has never been married or had kids and wants to start a family one day. It may be harder due to my age but again, I look much younger than my age and I certainly think I have a lot of qualities that would attract a woman (confident, secure, stable, good income, reliable, dependable, fun, happy, witty, intelligent, in great shape, etc). I feel that if I have a lot to bring to the table, so should she. What I don't want is a lot of baggage (ie: Stalking ex husbands, fighting over custody, child support, babysitting, etc!) If I found someone who had been married but didn't have most of those issues involving an ex then I could see it working out. Again, I am also being rejected because of my choices in life. It works both ways. Trust me I am no advocate for divorce, I am most days embarrassed that I have been and in some ways feel robbed of having that first experience with the man I will spend the rest of my life with. But, it will be special because it will be right. I agree. All I am saying is I think for someone so intelligent and well rounded you are being a little close minded in the criteria for inclusion/exclusion. I think people are focusing on the words "mistake" not really listening at all to the fact that I did say I have dated women with kids and have been rejected because I have never been married or have kids. We all have been hurt and we all have a past and it is these pasts that make us the special individuals we are today. ok so sorry for being long winded and I hope I have not offended you in anyway, not my intention. Good luck to you, she is out there I just hope you don't ignore her because of some predefined checklist. Thanks and I am not offended in any way. I just don't want it to seem like I am a prude or have something against women who have been married and have kids. Having had the experience of dating or trying to date someone with kids and the associated problems that accompany it and the fact that I'd like to be #1 in the same person's life that I make #1, it just makes sense to try and find someone who's in a better position to be able to meet that need, you know what I am saying? Link to post Share on other sites
Mollyanna Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I met a guy recently who immediately asked me what was wrong with me when I told him I had never been married and never had any kids. (I am 34). I would have thought he would be thrilled. My ex even informed me a few months ago that he sees himself with someone who already has kids. He doesn't want any of his own. He sees himself stepping in and being a father to someone who needs it. Seems like in the 30+ dating world, there is no perfect scenario. damned if you do, damned if you don't... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Seems like in the 30+ dating world, there is no perfect scenario. damned if you do, damned if you don't... That's exactly the situation I am in now and you worded it perfectly. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 I've been rejected as a possible candidate because I didn't decide to marry before I was ready. This sounds like I'll do unto others what they've done to me. Again, I am also being rejected because of my choices in life. It works both ways. Again this sounds like the same thing. Is it about power in some way? I think people are focusing on the words "mistake" not really listening at all to the fact that I did say I have dated women with kids and have been rejected because I have never been married or have kids. I think this is BS. I am a woman who's been married and has kids and I'd consider the guy with the clean slate any day of the week. Perhaps you've knocked them down and this was their only defense to your attack (although it may have just been a subliminal attack that they felt) Having had the experience of dating or trying to date someone with kids and the associated problems that accompany it and the fact that I'd like to be #1 in the same person's life that I make #1, it just makes sense to try and find someone who's in a better position to be able to meet that need, you know what I am saying? No. I have no idea what you're saying. I've been told I must be such a loving woman by the way I care for my babies. It was a very nice compliment. Said to me by a gentleman at the local market. I would think that some who are looking for love would be wise to observe how a single mother treats her child. Then they would perhaps get a glimpse of the depth of the love she has in her heart. Most moms love their children unconditionally. It is that same love that we love our SOs with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 This sounds like I'll do unto others what they've done to me. And vice versa.... Again this sounds like the same thing. Is it about power in some way? Not at all. I think this is BS. I am a woman who's been married and has kids and I'd consider the guy with the clean slate any day of the week. Perhaps you've knocked them down and this was their only defense to your attack (although it may have just been a subliminal attack that they felt) That's not the case and well to be frank, since you're not in my shoes you're making a lot of false assumptions that I really think are way off base. I'm not attacking anyone, I am stating what I prefer and what I have experienced. No. I have no idea what you're saying. I've been told I must be such a loving woman by the way I care for my babies. It was a very nice compliment. Said to me by a gentleman at the local market. I say it to my sister all the time. I understand the kids come first. Something else you aren't thinking about is what happens if the guy gets attached to HER kids and it doesn't work out? That's not a good position for anyone to be in. I would think that some who are looking for love would be wise to observe how a single mother treats her child. Then they would perhaps get a glimpse of the depth of the love she has in her heart. Loving your child is not the same as loving your S/O. It's a completely different kind of love, IMHO. Most moms love their children unconditionally. It is that same love that we love our SOs with. It can be, but is not always the case. Mothers have a special bond with their kids that no matter what they do, they are still going to love them. My point is that I don't want to come into a relationship #2/3/4 on the list because I am not putting her #2/3/4 on the list. See what I mean? SOME men are OK with that, I'm just not. I don't know that I want to be in that situation just yet. Does that make me mean, evil, nasty or something? I just don't see why it's such a "bad" thing that I see things that way. If I am meant to be single, so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 I must say that I can't disagree with anything you said, CG. In fact, a few years ago, I was saying all the same things you are saying now. (Well, ok maybe more than just a few years ago! ) It's kind of interesting to think about the contrast in what I used to say I wanted and what I actually ended up having. The latter ended up blowing away the former. Kind of weird, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 That's not the case and well to be frank, since you're not in my shoes you're making a lot of false assumptions that I really think are way off base. Am I? I see an issue. Loving your child is not the same as loving your S/O. It's a completely different kind of love, IMHO. You love with your heart regardless of who it is you're loving. If you love someone you love someone. Fully and completely. What do you think women with children do? Love with different compartments of their heart? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Am I? I see an issue. You love with your heart regardless of who it is you're loving. If you love someone you love someone. Fully and completely. What do you think women with children do? Love with different compartments of their heart? Yes, we do. With all due respect, Grace, we do. No matter how badly our children disappoint us or act in ways we'd rather they not act, we will love them. They are our flesh and blood. Our children. But that's not the same with a man. I don't love my husband unconditionally. I love him with every fiber of my being, yes. But if he suddenly decided to become violent or verbally abusive, would I still love him? Of course not. I would write him off. I would tell you that he once was someone I loved but no more. Not so my child. My child may disappoint me but there's nothing he can ever do to make me stop loving him. So we really do have different ways and intensities of loving. CG is right. Now that I have my own child I know that. Before that, I had no clue. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Florida is no better, trust me. Florida is full of psychopaths Link to post Share on other sites
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