Time for a rant, CaliGuy style :)

[CaliGuy]

hey caliguy

 

this is a pretty old thread but i've only just read it and wanted to make a couple of comments. first off, i don't think you sound like you're looking for perfection, being too picky or feeling superior to other people. to have no issues is a fantastic position to be in and i agree with all the other posters who have said you sound like a good catch.

 

however, looking at how most people live their lives, there is a realistic possibility that you are simply not on the same level of emotional intelligence as 95% of the people you meet. back when i was dating, i got this a lot. i'd meet nice guys, sometimes great ones, but in many ways i felt like i was a thousand years older than them. i don't say that in a conceited way, it was just my observation that i could find no one on both the same emotional and intellectual level as me. i wasn't picky, i just wanted someone sane and clever and kind who knew how to use an apostrophe. IME, there's not a lot of that out there.

 

in your case, to have been able to look at others' mistakes and been determined not to repeat them yourself, shows that there is already a large gulf between you and most people. the majority of the planet can't do this and are right now out there making the same mistakes their parents made, or the same mistakes they made themselves five years ago. to have not gone down that route is all to your credit, but it will take a certain sort of special woman for you to be compatible with. consequently, your search will be harder than other people's.

 

i would still advise you not to compromise what you want. but she is unlikely to come to your door.

 

'when the student is ready, the teacher appears' is one of my favourite mottos and i've found it to be absolutely true for life as well as for dating. trust that when you are ready to accept a gift from the universe, the universe will send that gift to you. if you're single, perhaps the lesson you still need to learn is to be completely content and single. once you are, you'll have stopped needing to learn the lesson that being single brought and the universe can then deliver the wonderful woman lined up for you.

 

so as ever, the answer is to be happy alone and remain open to any possibility, even one that comes in a package you didn't quite expect.

 

Thank you, Blue. I am completely happy right now and I can say that for the first time in probably 2.5 years.

 

My issue right now seems to be when I do find someone I can connect to on that level, I think I just come off too needy or something. It isn't that I am needy at all, it's that I just know when that person is right for me and I have no qualms about telling them "Hey I dig you, I'd like to have a relationship with you."

 

Over the past 4 years or so when I have come across a woman like that, I've simply pushed them away in one form or another. Either I wasn't over one before I met the next or I simply was too enthusiastic about them.

 

I do believe I have the keen ability to recognize when someone I have met meets all of my requirements, especially intellectual. The problem is translating that into a healthy relationship.

 

Since I started this thread I think I've just stopped trying (or caring) about meeting someone. I believe it is true in the dating game. The harder you try, the easier you fail.

 

So I think for now the focus will continue to be 100% on me and if someone comes along, great. But I'm not going to be pushing myself to find someone. I could be single for the rest of my life (and pushing 38, that's a distinct possibility).

 

And you know what? I'm ok with that too.

[CaliGuy]

Hey Cali! You sound like quite a catch! Do you like dogs? Noticed your profile says you race bikes. Ever participated in a road rally? There is one in Southern Arizona in March. I am running my tuned Civic. You should come down

 

Thanks Motor. I don't get out to AZ very often but if I do I'll have to check it out. I think in March I'll be making my plans to move to San Diego as I got my clearance from the DoD yesterday. Everything is falling into place nicely for my new career.

 

Just as God intended

[Grrlish]

CaliGuy:

 

I just saw this thread and I'll join the rant. (I'm a NorCal Girl by the way.)

 

I'm a good woman and a good person. I don't do drugs. I have an education and a good job. I'm attractive and in great shape (except for the occasional lazy lull but even when I'm feeling out of shape, I'm not, really). I've been told that I have a good sense of humor. I'm outgoing and like to go places and try new things. I'm compassionate, hard-working, blahblahblah...in other words, I'm great.

 

I guess one part about your original post that caught my eye was:

 

All the women I have met lately have issues, real issues. They have deep emotional scars, they have addictions, they have really annoying quirks (yes, I have some as well but I do my best to keep them in check).

 

Addictions are one thing but I don't know how anyone who has stuck their neck out, relationship-wise, can get to our age and not have a few scars. As I see it, we don't have a few by now, we've played it really, really safe or are really, really tough inside. If some of the women you date are showing you their scars up-front, I can say from personal experience that some do it out of self-protection. They're tired of being hurt and they put up their defenses at the start. When we were younger, we went in trusting first, until we were hurt. After being deeply hurt, some of us learn that it's not too smart to trust first. Instead, we wait and watch for people to prove their trustworthiness. (And I have no idea if this is the sort of thing you're talking about when referring to scars.)

 

As for annoying quirks, well, everyone has their quirks and part of the 'trick' is finding someone who's quirks fit yours or someone who doesn't mind/loves your quirks, and vice-versa. (My current, but perhaps not for long, boyfriend and I have some similar quirks. Those that aren't the same, well, we know we have those and we realize that some of that quirkiness is what we find interesting about each other.)

 

Maybe you need to let those little quirks fly! We are our quirks!

 

Well, okay, I'm exaggerating but they are some of the things that show how we are unique. And, man, better to find out if someone can accept or love your quirks sooner than later.

 

Not everyone who reaches our age without being married has commitment issues. I have had them, and I continue to work on them. (Hi, I'm Grrlish and I'm a recovering commitment phobe.) I've worked on them a lot over the years, since I've become aware of them. Mine aren't so much running from relationships but rather seeming to choose men who ultimately aren't available for the long-term. Even though I've spent most of my adult life in long-term relationships, I've never been married because of this damn habit. Proposed to twice, engaged once.

 

Once, I did run out on a great guy who was making noises about proposing but I was really young at the time (I was 18, he was 24), so I think that was understandable.

 

Still, if I'm so great, why am I still single?

 

I didn't read the entire thread. Did someone find the answer to CaliGuy's problem? Maybe it will solve mine as well!

[Noos]

Cali

You are saying what I have been saying for years. I'm 34, single, have my own house, a post-graduate education, great career, travel a bit, read books and the ewspaper, love movies and go to the gym four times a week to keep fit, have been told I am attractive, even beautiful (not that that shouldhave to matter too much). I have a great family, close friends, no addictions of which to speak.

I, too, have been told not to worry, someone will come along when you least expect it , when you're not looking. People have been saying that to me for the past ten years while I have been getting on with living my life. Guess what? No one has shown up.

It's incredibly frustrating and lonely. I'm being myself, living my life - and it doesn't seem to be enough to get invited for coffee by a guy.

When you discover the reason for your state of affairs, please tell me. I desperately want to know the answer to this quandry.

Regards

Nat.

[CaliGuy]

Wow. I guess I am not the only one who can relate. That's for sharing Noos and Grrlish. I think I found my problem.

 

When I want someone, I simply let them know far too soon. I just need to cool my jets and let the relationship work out naturally instead of trying to push when I meet the right one.

[stace79]

It's no easier in Florida for the late 20s crowd either. It seems here that guys have "Peter Pan" syndrome...they never want to grow up.

 

Florida is no better, trust me. I'm an attractive, hard working, intelligent, young looking 40 year old lady who has also been looking for Mr Right. I have not been married or had any children and the men that are out there that I meet to seem have so many entanglements. It's so hard to find a single male with no children or never married, that WANTS to have children and get married. I still want to be able to share those firsts with someone else. At this point, I"m looking for at least 1 of the 2 if possible.

Although I hate the thought that I am second choice if they already were married.... but then again, they didn't meet me before they got married, so maybe I would have been #1.

[stace79]

Doesn't it stink? I do the same thing...I've never been good at "dating around." If I like someone enough after three or four dates to keep seeing them, I have a hard time starting to date other people. I believe in quality over quantity. What good will it do me to date four guys at one time if I can't give any of them the attention they deserve? I may end up snubbing "Mr. Right" because I was trying to keep my options open.

 

I think one problem nowadays is that people have relationship ADD. They are so busy trying to date multiple people they don't focus enough on one person to give it a real honest shot. Then again, maybe they do that on purpose...

 

Wow. I guess I am not the only one who can relate. That's for sharing Noos and Grrlish. I think I found my problem.

 

When I want someone, I simply let them know far too soon. I just need to cool my jets and let the relationship work out naturally instead of trying to push when I meet the right one.

[RocketMan2]

If some of the women you date are showing you their scars up-front, I can say from personal experience that some do it out of self-protection. They're tired of being hurt and they put up their defenses at the start. When we were younger, we went in trusting first, until we were hurt. After being deeply hurt, some of us learn that it's not too smart to trust first. Instead, we wait and watch for people to prove their trustworthiness. (And I have no idea if this is the sort of thing you're talking about when referring to scars.)

 

Grrlish can you elaborate on this point you made?

 

I feel like I'm one of the people you're describing.

 

Im only 21, but I think I'm really mature for my age, im just lacking worldly experience (LS is helping on that front!). Im completely not into being a player or one night stands (as a way of life anyway). Im much happier with a great girl by my side.

 

Two of my exs cheated on me, and my recent ex upped and left completely out of the blue (probably after cheating on me).

 

I know i'm not ready for a new relationship at ALL yet, and I know i need to spend time on myself, so after i've done that maybe my outlook will change. But for the moment, I feel like I should be really wary with the next person i meet.

 

I don't know how i'll be able to trust them. Trust them not to cheat but also trust them to be open with me. I had no idea my ex had all this turmoil going round her head. Is it my fault for not seeing it? If not, how am I supposed to not let the same thing happen again?

 

You say you know from experience....Experience of you doing it to other people, or them doing it to you? How did you feel about it either way?

 

After being deeply hurt, some of us learn that it's not too smart to trust first.

 

How do you do this with without appearing disinterested or to have issues? Or shouldn't I hide it?

 

 

Thanks!

 

Rocket

[CaliGuy]

I think one problem nowadays is that people have relationship ADD. They are so busy trying to date multiple people they don't focus enough on one person to give it a real honest shot. Then again, maybe they do that on purpose...

 

I think it's more or less trying to find Mr or Ms Perfect in a world of imperfect people. Even I don't expect to find someone perfect. Like I said, I have my flaws too.

 

Maybe I am not cream of the crop but certainly not "bottom of the barrel" either!

[Johnny B]

Finally found one of your threads...

 

Right Cali, you're not perfect nor will your Ms. Right be perfect, but you WILL be perfect for each other.

 

Meaning that flaws are accepted (within reason) and each of your respective weaker character areas/traits/characteristics will be complemented by the other person whom has stronger character traits in those areas... I believe that's how you know that it's right.

When the two of you complement each other perfectly...

This is what we all should seeking, instead a 'perfect' individual.

 

You will make each other better people.

 

Johnny

[Am4Real]

Florida is no better, trust me. I'm an attractive, hard working, intelligent, young looking 40 year old lady who has also been looking for Mr Right. I have not been married or had any children and the men that are out there that I meet to seem have so many entanglements. It's so hard to find a single male with no children or never married, that WANTS to have children and get married. I still want to be able to share those firsts with someone else. At this point, I"m looking for at least 1 of the 2 if possible.

Although I hate the thought that I am second choice if they already were married.... but then again, they didn't meet me before they got married, so maybe I would have been #1.

 

Go easy on us southern guys, ha-ha, BTW, I'm a transplant, does that count for more? Just injecting some humor!

[RocketMan2]

Right Cali, you're not perfect nor will your Ms. Right be perfect, but you WILL be perfect for each other.

 

Meaning that flaws are accepted (within reason) and each of your respective weaker character areas/traits/characteristics will be complemented by the other person whom has stronger character traits in those areas... I believe that's how you know that it's right.

When the two of you complement each other perfectly...

This is what we all should seeking, instead a 'perfect' individual.

 

You will make each other better people.

 

 

I really like that outlook, I've never really thought about it like that before.

 

Nice one

 

 

Rocket

[dropdeadlegs]

I didn't read the whole thread either so this may have been stated earlier since I only made it through the first page.

 

Maybe women sometimes think you are too good to be true, or too good for them. I only felt that once and I was dating out of my normal crowd. He was nice, good looking, in my age group, nice income, etc. Because I am twice divorced and have kids I felt he could do better. Of course I do not want more kids either, but he didn't seem opposed to that. He had one child at a young age that was grown. I felt that I had too much baggage. I think I was overwhelmed with his "belongings" and didn't feel I was bringing much to the table in that way. He was together and I was only beginning to become "together." I was more comfortable with someone more like me, kind of living paycheck to paycheck.

 

Just goes to show that not all women are after money.

 

But as to your original question, even though I was married twice, every man in my past is considered a "dud" because they were not right for me. That's a lifetime of duds, most of which were bad choices from the beginning on my part. I am too easily emotionally attached to fixer-uppers and didn't even recognize that about myself. I had little self esteem, yet tons of esteem for others and often overlooked glaring red flags and character flaws.

 

I'm feeling much better about that and truly believe I have turned a corner due to lots of self help books and finding a man that shares the same goals and ideals of what a relationship is. I found him at 39, nearly 40. I cannot see myself accepting the kind of person or relationship I gladly settled for in the past just to have somebody.

 

I applaud you're not making mistakes in the way of marriage and children, not settling for someone not really right for you. There is nothing wrong with being picky when choosing a life partner. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that.

 

You will find her. The move to SD will open up a whole new dating pool. Until the move, I probably wouldn't even try. keep your chin up!

 

On another note, maybe some relocation needs to be taking place on LS. Seems there are quite a few men and women that appear to be good catches but in opposite parts of the world.

[CaliGuy]

Heh, yeah there are a lot of good people here far away from each other.

 

I passed my DoD screening and have been issued a secret clearance so I hope to be moving here shortly. Can't wait and I am really looking forward to it.

[Grrlish]

Wow. I guess I am not the only one who can relate. That's for sharing Noos and Grrlish. I think I found my problem.

 

When I want someone, I simply let them know far too soon. I just need to cool my jets and let the relationship work out naturally instead of trying to push when I meet the right one.

 

I don't know, CG.

 

On one hand, the guy I was just dating jumped in headfirst when we started dating. I normally would have ditched a guy who acted that way but I did enjoy him so I breathed deep through the first several weeks instead of telling him no thanks. I think that if we like someone, that glimmer would override the urge to ditch.

 

On the other hand, I probably should have ditched him because things did not end well at all; terrible, in fact. So, was I ignoring my gut or working through my own commitment issues. Both? But perhaps this part of it is not appropriate for this thread.

 

As for jumping in headfirst, I 'cooled my jets' with this last relationship. I kept my foot lightly on the brake so that we didn't go too fast. And it's still over.

 

I don't think that there's any formula. But if someone finds one, let us know!

[CaliGuy]

I don't know, CG.

 

On one hand, the guy I was just dating jumped in headfirst when we started dating. I normally would have ditched a guy who acted that way but I did enjoy him so I breathed deep through the first several weeks instead of telling him no thanks. I think that if we like someone, that glimmer would override the urge to ditch.

 

On the other hand, I probably should have ditched him because things did not end well at all; terrible, in fact. So, was I ignoring my gut or working through my own commitment issues. Both? But perhaps this part of it is not appropriate for this thread.

 

As for jumping in headfirst, I 'cooled my jets' with this last relationship. I kept my foot lightly on the brake so that we didn't go too fast. And it's still over.

 

I don't think that there's any formula. But if someone finds one, let us know!

 

Damned if we do, damned if we don't, eh?

 

Such is life.

[Rainer]

Maybe God wants you to be single right now...

[CaliGuy]

Maybe God wants you to be single right now...

 

I would agree with that.

[stubbornbutnice]

Rant on! Now with that said I have to apologize to you because I have nothing helpful to offer really. I do wonder about your location. I have friends in CA (I'm on the East Coast) and they tell me horror stories about the dating scene there. However, my friends in Atlanta seem to have much better luck finding relationships. I saw that someone else blamed the entertainment industry, that's an interesting thought. I suppose I could see how all that external focus could cause a few people to be a little emotionally stunted in the dating department.

 

You do sound like a great guy, and I've seen some extremely thoughtful posts from you over on the "divorce" side of the LS house. I'm sorry it's so rough, it's scary to hear how rough when you are a person who is heading out into that great unknown herself. In a way though you give some of us some hope. Hope that when it's all said and done we might stumble upon a guy like you. Now wouldn't that be lucky.

 

I always hate it when people say "when you aren't looking is when you're going to find it". Ah the illusive "it". I know it's well intentioned and all, but it's not very proactive either. Maybe you should cast a wider net. Perhaps websites where people have to pay (which I would think implies they are a little more serious about finding "the one"), and things are a little more filtered. I know the statisitcs aren't very convincing, but what have you got to lose? Maybe a compadability oriented site like EHarmony where they do some of the legwork for you.

 

Do you hear that sound? That's the sound of me grasping at straws... wish I could help more. Good luck:o .