sandybelle Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Hi...I've been reading some of the posts and everybody seems to be very helpful so I decided to try my luck. I've been dating my bf for 5 years now. We met online while in NJ and then we moved and lived together in Fl for the past 3 years. While in NJ we didn't live together and I know for a fact that he had other relationships (long distance). After we moved to FL where we rented an apartmant our relationship improved significantly. He decided to move back to his country and asked me to move there with him. I went there last summer for 3 months, I liked it but at times I felt very lonely because I don't speak the language. We were apart for 3 months, and now I'm visiting him till Febr. For the last week we been fighting almost every day. The reason? I found out that during the time when we lived in FL on one of his trips back to his country he had a threesome with 2 girls. I consider myself pretty open minded and I don't care if every now and then he has a one night stand meaningless sex with a stranger. What really bothers me is the fact that he became a good friend with one of the girls and they keep in touch all the time. According to him they're very good friends but that's all. He's not interested in her sexually. We had another fight on New Years Eve but made up and went to a night club. Today I did a very bad thing and checked the messages on his cell phone. He sent her 5 messages that night! Unfortunatelly, the messages are in their language so I don't know what he wrote to her. I'll have a friend help me out tomorrow. My question is: am I the biggest fool? Should I try to work on the relationship and still hope to have a family with him one day (we made plans to have a baby). I know no relationship is perfect.. His defense is that at the time he didn't take our relationship seriously. Also, he absolutely hates nagging or arguments, said that if his faithfulness is so important to me, I better move on and find somebody who's not going to cheat on me. On the other hand, he keeps telling me that he's totally commited to me and loves me and others don't matter. I'd really appreiate some advice... Thank you all Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I found out that during the time when we lived in FL on one of his trips back to his country he had a threesome with 2 girls. I consider myself pretty open minded and I don't care if every now and then he has a one night stand meaningless sex with a stranger. He's not interested in her sexually. Also, he absolutely hates nagging or arguments, said that if his faithfulness is so important to me, I better move on and find somebody who's not going to cheat on me. Ok, you should care if he's having meaningless with strangers--THAT'S DANGEROUS--to you both...And if he wasn't interested in her sexually he would never have f***** her in the first place... He's pretty much told you that he is going to continue to cheat on you... My question to you is: is that what you want? Do you want to have a baby with a man who wants to have threesomes and meaningless sex with strangers with your blessing? Because that is what he is wanting you to be ok with...and what if the sex isn't meaningless? What do you think will happen then? Just something to think about...but it's your life, you're the one who has to live with your decisions...Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
Okeydokey Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Sandy... it sounds like your dude has been really straightforward with you about what kind of relationship he expects to have. 1. He will be committed to you emotionally and 2. He will have an open relationship. If you are willing to accept that (which it sounds like you are not) then you can stick with it, but with the knowledge that he is allowed to sleep around. If you are unwilling to have an open relationship it sounds like it is time to move on. You are fortunate that he has been truthful with you about his infidelities. Green-eyed is completely right - if you decide to stick with this guy - you better do everything you can to protect YOUR health. Good luck. Hugs. OkeyDokey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandybelle Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Ok, you should care if he's having meaningless with strangers--THAT'S DANGEROUS--to you both...And if he wasn't interested in her sexually he would never have f***** her in the first place... He's pretty much told you that he is going to continue to cheat on you... . You're right....it is dangerous..to be honest with you one time he came back from a trip to his country and said that he had some STD. He apologize for it and we both were on a treatment for a while.... On the other hand...what really bothers me this time is the fact that he keeps in touch with this girl. When I confronted him about it, his excuse was that one night stands don't happen as often as people think and he's rather have some kind of connection with the person he goes to bed with. And ofcourse, she's a very good and caring friend. He has lots of female friends...should I think now that there is something going on with all of them? I'm really lost here....the anger that I feel is unbearable at times...on the other hand I really love him......Besides being unfaithful and kinda cheap he's smart, good looking, excellent in bed... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandybelle Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 If you are willing to accept that (which it sounds like you are not) then you can stick with it, but with the knowledge that he is allowed to sleep around. I know it's sounds a little bit off...but I was ok with the fact that he sleeps around....what he doesn't understand is why his "friendship" upsets me so much....I was ok with him having flings, but not becoming close friends with those girls. Btw, she knows about me. Any ideas about how should I explain him how I feel about all this without getting into another argument? Also, I didn't take the safety side of the problem too seriously...Thank you guys for opening my eyes...Hugs back Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 <Also, he absolutely hates nagging or arguments, said that if his faithfulness is so important to me, I better move on and find somebody who's not going to cheat on me. On the other hand, he keeps telling me that he's totally commited to me and loves me and others don't matter.> Are you okay with him continuing these flings while you are both living together and then married? Do you really think you can control his friendships with his flings when he has shown such inconsideration, like giving you an STD?????? Please go into counseling, you are in an abusive and health harmful situation, you could get aids, seriously, check out NOW! Their are other options, in one year your esteem and life will be so desecrated you won't even know who you are. Please, I'm serious. Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Besides being unfaithful and kinda cheap he's smart, good looking, excellent in bed... Sorry but I feel the unfaithfulness is the deal-breaker in a relationship. I wouldn't care how smart, good looking or excellent in bed he is - there are other men out there are all these 3 things plus faithful. At this point in the relationship, I sure wouldn't bring a baby into this. Not fair to a child "knowingly" be put into an unhealthy relationship. You say you're ok with his meaningless one-night-stands but you didn't factor into this that he could "fall" for one of these one nighters. Also as Greeneyed lady said, this is dangerous not only with AIDS,VD, etc., but sometimes the women he sees, may have different plans in mind. They may be looking for a relationship with him, whereas he just wants one night of fun. Believe me, my H saw one woman in particular who was mentally unbalanced and told me that I owed her an apology for him breaking her heart. Now I was his wife but I owed her an apology? I'm just glad she lived in a different state because she was scary. He also saw one who "may have been" married - so I asked him if he considered what if the husband found out? What if her husband comes looking to knock the crap out of him or worse - comes to our house looking for my H and I'm there and he's p**sed enough that he takes it out on me. Sorry but I'm not going to live the kind of life with an H that screws around worrying that he's going to pi*s off the wrong person and I'm in the middle. That's something else to consider in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Okeydokey Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Hey Sandy... I'm about to go out of town so this is the last post for a couple of days. But rather than just jump into telling him that the friendship upsets you (bc that will give him a reason to lie to you about it in the future - ie. in his mind it might be more pleasant to tell you they're not friends than to tell you knowing that he will have to deal with your feelings about it). I would ask questions, "what does he get out of this friendship with her?" etc. I don't think it is weird at all. I think most people would agree that emotional infidelities hurt more than the physical. Good luck and I'll check back in Friday. Link to post Share on other sites
lorr Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I'm going to be honest, and say that both you and your boyfriend really need to grow up. For a guy who has no problems playing Russian Roulette with his and your health, seriously needs his head checked. It beggars belief why you would even want to entertain the idea of trying for a baby with him. Your boyfriend is the only one that sees you as a big time fool, and you need to do him and yourself a favour and get rid. Link to post Share on other sites
Okeydokey Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 one more thought here sandy - since it sounds like you are invested in this relationship - I think you should find out what the cultural norms are with regards to dating and friendships in his country. You have decided to become involved with someone who has a different cultural framework from your own - so the thing that is really most important here is - has he crossed the line of what is appropriate and respectful w/in his cultural framework? If yes, then he has breached and cannot be trusted. I have lived in other countries for a good part of my life and have dated people from other cultures... For example, in France it is perfectly normal to stay friends with exes and current SOs are generally comfortable with that. In fact a good friend of mine and her husband (both from France) actually went on honeymoon and stayed with her ex. Whereas in my exes Latin American country me just looking at another man would send my ex over the edge. So if you are committed to him find out what the cultural norms are for dating and relationships - you might decide he has not crossed the line here - on the other hand you might decide he crossed the line a LONG time ago. In the US we tend to believe in complete monogamy emotional and physical - no exceptions - and we tend to be very puritanical. So number 1 is stay healthy and number 2 is comply with the cultural norms for respectful dating. Get more information - dont just jump into telling him he hurt you. My guess is if he is violating the norms of acceptable dating then he already knows that his behaviour is hurtful and you don't need to spell it out for him any more clearly. Ok. Im going on my trip now. You can private message me if you want any insights from me on the country that he is from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandybelle Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Thank you all for your support and advice. Okeydokey - sorry but I couldn't figure out a way to private message you. You're perfectly right, his cultural background is different than mine. My BF is a native of Estonia (NE Europe). I have couple of girl friends from his country, one of them lives in US and the other I met while visiting Estonia. When I met them both of them were married with Estonians but partying heavily with other people. For instance, my gf used to go out for the weekend with other "friends" and at some point her husband had the police looking for her. Both of them are divorced now. I'm not sure what I should do right now, it hurts to make any kind of decisions. One thing I know for sure, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.If any of you has ideas about what I should do to start feeling alive again I'd really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
lorr Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 You are the one that has to decide what to do next. You have a choice, you can either put up with him cheating on you, and giving you more STD's and possibly worse HIV/AIDS. Or you can think about building your self-esteem each day at a time, without him in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandybelle Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Thanks Lorr...any advise on building self esteem? it looks like I need lots of it Link to post Share on other sites
lorr Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Building your self-esteem will take time, and I have faith that you can do this. The first step is getting rid of your boyfriend and thats only if you want to. You need to learn to enjoy being in your own company, and basically taking care of you. Make a list of things that you would like to accomplish in life. It could be taking an evening course, travelling, taking up new hobbies either by yourself or with a friend, thinking about changing career, volunteering at a homeless shelter etc. Life is way too short to be involved in a dead end relationship, its just time consuming and a waste of energy. You deserve better, and this boyfriend of yours is not helping matters, with his disgusting antics. Link to post Share on other sites
orangehose Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Wow, quite a situation. It's natural for people (women especially) to be more upset by emotional cheating than sexual cheating (although I'm a woman and would be more upset by the sexual stuff). How would this guy feel if you went around sleeping with whomever you wanted? Or is it a mutual agreement? It doesn't seem fair that only one party should be unleashed. Also, yeah, both of you should be tested for HIV and other diseases. This is SERIOUS stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Vickx69 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I'm going to be honest, and say that both you and your boyfriend really need to grow up. For a guy who has no problems playing Russian Roulette with his and your health, seriously needs his head checked. It beggars belief why you would even want to entertain the idea of trying for a baby with him. Your boyfriend is the only one that sees you as a big time fool, and you need to do him and yourself a favour and get rid. Sandybelle... listen to lorr, this is the best advice you can get. You see, as a man I can tell you that first of all between a man and a woman most of the time there is an attraction, sexual attraction to be exact. We humans are rational animals (animals at the end), that means that like animal we are attracted to the opposite sex, and what makes us different to real animals is that we can think (even when sometimes we don't) and we can avoid animal behavior. Now, when there was a sexual relationship, that's worse because even when the couple (your bf and his friend) try not to think about sex, that's almost impossible. Somebody told you already that if you are open-minded and you accept this kind of relationship where he is allowed to have all the sex he wants besides having it with you, so you don't have to get angry. But for me, if a man can't avoid having sex with some other women when he's got a couple, the that's not love and if I were you, I'll wait for somebody who really appreciates a real loving woman as you seem. God Bless Vick Link to post Share on other sites
Carbine Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I don't care if every now and then he has a one night stand meaningless sex with a stranger. Am i actually reading this correctly?!?! My god, I'm seriously LOST FOR WORDS... His defense is that at the time he didn't take our relationship seriously. He doesn't need a defense. He knows he's done nothing wrong. You've handed to him on a silver platter what most guys would probably dream of and he's taken full advantage of this. I don't blame him. It's one thing to be open minded when it comes to relationships, but you need to draw the line somewhere. If you've allowed him to have sex with others of his own free will, then it's NO F**KING WONDER he didn't (and probably still doesnt) take the relationship seriously. Who's fault is it??YOURS! Also, he absolutely hates nagging or arguments, said that if his faithfulness is so important to me, I better move on and find somebody who's not going to cheat on me. On the other hand, he keeps telling me that he's totally commited to me and loves me and others don't matter. Of course he hates arguing. You've led him to believe its ok for him to live a certain way and suddenly you want to take it all back the minute jealousy and (imo) the first traces of common sense kick in. Hell, I'd be pretty upset if I were him. The quote above is one big, massive contradiction, and I doubt that, deep down, he thinks he can go on having the best of both worlds. But you've let him do it for too long now - you gave him free rein to sleep around, and he's taken the bit between his teeth and bolted. All I can say is that it's going to take a LOT off effort, patience and determination on your part to get him to change his behaviour now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandybelle Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 Thank you all for your response. All of you made valid points and I appreciated. I just want to shade some light into all this ... it was OK to have some "flings" ONLY when we were away from each other (he used to travel alot and for more than couple of week at a time). At that time, I thought that asking a man to be faithful for more than two weeks is just not realistic. Or is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Sandy I know this is your time right now, but I have to ask, have you had any, 'flings' with other people while in this relationship? By the way, please find yourself another man! There are plenty of us faithful guys out there, you just need to search harder. If you stay with this guy I can garuntee he will ruin your life so please, I suggest get out of this awful picture immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandybelle Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Sandy I know this is your time right now, but I have to ask, have you had any, 'flings' with other people while in this relationship? This is a good question....I was hoping that nobody is going to ask me this. Yes, I had two "flings" during this five year period. It happened while he was away and I was actually trying to replace him. It didn't work out with neither of the guys. Needless to say my bf doesn't know about "the others" nor he needs to know... If he finds out then he'll use this piece of info to justify his past or even future behaviour. By nature I'm a monogamous person and I don't even enjoy flirting with other people when I'm in a relationship. I'd rather dedicate my attention and time 100% to the person I'm with. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 This is a good question....I was hoping that nobody is going to ask me this. Yes, I had two "flings" during this five year period. It happened while he was away and I was actually trying to replace him. It didn't work out with neither of the guys. Needless to say my bf doesn't know about "the others" nor he needs to know... If he finds out then he'll use this piece of info to justify his past or even future behaviour. By nature I'm a monogamous person and I don't even enjoy flirting with other people when I'm in a relationship. I'd rather dedicate my attention and time 100% to the person I'm with. Le Sigh, I'm not going to say anything negative here, nor will I say you are no better than him, but I do suggest moving on from this guy. I also suggest not dating ANYONE for awhile, not until you're ready to commit to just ONE person. Link to post Share on other sites
MotherGooze Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Hey! Look, for me relationships are based on trust. I don't think you can trust this guy and I don't think you are actually trusting him because otherwise you wouldn't be sending him those messages. Now, I'm pretty open myself, but my boyfriend should never have sex with other women! Why would he do that. Isn't he satisfied enough being with you? Link to post Share on other sites
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