Looking for Change: 21 Going On 30

[In Liquid Wonder]

Hello Everyone,

 

I'm not usually the sort to post in a forum, like this. I have great friends, a great little sister, and even the parents kick in or back off at the right time (only sometimes!). Anyway, I just got out of a relationship - it didn't end well. I've been venting and venting, which is all good and healthy... but I feel like I'm taxing them, so I thought I'd gather some fresh perspectives from the kind folk I've seen on this board.

 

I finally took the steps to analyze what it was about the last one that was good and wasn't so great, and from that I understand better what I need in a relationship. However, I don't think what I desire is common for my age.

 

I'm only 21, but I've been through quite a few serious relationships. The thing is, at this ripe age, I love deeply, offer compromise and communication at a terribly high level of maturity, and exhibit compassion and kindness beyond, well, what the "normal" folks around me tend to do. While my peers want to run around drinking, sleeping around, or flaking out... I just want to talk to that special guy, or perhaps we both curl up with books, and one of us falls asleep. We help each other when things get crazy - sharing our worries or philosophies or nonsense - and we're loyal to one another. I tend to be fiercely loyal, actually, and do whatever I can for the person I love the most. I think of his feelings all the time, whether I'm at the grocery store and I remember his favorite cheese or just compliment him when he doesn't expect it. I tend to balance my time and priorities, too, so there is enough time together despite my numerous responsibilities. The more "fun"/superficial stuff that is to be expected, I guess, never had much interest to me. To summarize: I'm 21 going on 30.

 

I don't want to rush into anything, but I really want to date - you know, that lost art my parents keep telling me about where a gentlemen takes a lady out for dinner, and perhaps a movie, and then delivers her home afterwards, no strings attached. (I'm not adverse to paying for a date or two, if any of the gents out there are worried. I'm generous with what I have. Also, by lady and gentlemen, I simply mean people of class - not all gowns and tuxes.) I attend a small college at the moment, and therefore know just about everybody, what they had for breakfast, and about half of their relationship histories. Dating is notoriously dead on campus - sleeping around, however, and marriage-like relationships are totally normal.

 

I don't feel like I fit, socially or age-wise. I haven't felt that for some time, but I guess this breakup really brought it to light. I've learned so much in such a brief amount of life: I accept that, but I don't know what to do to find a fulfilling relationship for my "kind" of person.

 

I assume that I should be looking at older guys, but as I'm at the top of the college ladder (heading off to grad school, with luck!), they are not around my locality. What do you recommend, for meeting people that are a bit older/more mature? Any ideas on how much older? (I'm sure that's all subjective - depends on the person and personality, but I wonder if there's a ballpark I should consider.)

 

Also, despite what you read, I'm a bit shy with totally new people. I don't tend to think about people romantically until I feel comfortable with them. Friendship is definitely needed first for me.

 

If you even read all this, thank you. Double-thanks for your thoughts, if you share them. Also, I have a counsellor that I speak to, as well, but it's the winter break so I won't see her for a few weeks from now.

 

Have a wonderful New Year of light and love!

 

- Jen

[amaysngrace]

I think you may meet someone with your breeding at a country club or someplace similar.

 

You are still young you know. You may meet someone special at a family friend's wedding or perhaps a relative's.

 

The trick is to always look your best, shallow as that seems. When you are through school and enter into your career that will open up a host of opportunities for you as well.

[In Liquid Wonder]

Thanks so much for your reply. Eeeee, a country club?! I have manners, but not much money/social standing to back that up. Aren't people kind to each other like that about just going out for coffee, even?

 

I've been trying to follow your suggestions - looking good all the time - for the past week or so. I have a new, fresh hair style and new glasses coming soon. I hope it works out.

[amaysngrace]

I think you should have a society man. You seem very proper.

 

This is just my vibe. Take it with a grain of salt.

[clatan]

An older guy could be more your speed, but I wouldn't make that a foregone conclusion. I don't think it's as much an age issue as some people think. I'd say there are just about as many guys your age that feel the same as you do. Also, don't feel like you need to pick one guy and date him exclusively. Play the field. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think that's the wisest, more classy thing to do. I hope that helps. Ask me more, I'll try to give you a thirty something guys opinion if that would help?

 

By the way... can you read my thread? You'd be the perfect person to give me an opinion about something. It's basically about the same thing you brought up pretty much.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t108562/

[clatan]

By the way, don'tt feel bad about posting this kind of thing in a forum. I'm in the same boat. I have friends I could ask, but sometimes I think they get tired of hearing me.

[Guest]

You sound pretty much perfect to me.

 

I reached that point about 2 years ago, got married and now seperated headed for divorce. So now I'm in a similar boat. I want to find someone with all of those qualities and someone who is also a friend. The kind of friend you just goof off with doing whatever. Reading books until someone falls asleep. Or just snuggling all night long.

 

Sooner or later someone will come along and appreciate you.

[clatan]

You know, a lot of people I know, like my friends, are always saying different things like "So are you seeing anybody now" "So you're not married yet?" or "Man you need to get a girlfriend." That kind of bothers me when people make those comments... sort of. I realize they say this because they care about me and are interested in me, but it's sort of like at the same time they kind of misunderstanding me.

 

I guess they're kind of right and wrong. They're right if they think I should get out more often, take a chance once in a while, be myself, just "go for it", quit worrying and enjoy myself for a change. But they're wrong if they think I'm heartbroken, per se, because I'm still single.

 

I'm not at all happy with my love life, but that doesn't mean I want to be married. I see my friends, who're all married now, and many with kids, and I really don't envy them much. Don't get me wrong, they have great marriages I suppose and I'm happy for them and all. But that's just not something I want quite yet, although I wouldn't mind a little more of something in my life.

 

I mentioned in my thread that people seem to be causght up a little to much in these fairy tale romance stories and that they watch too many sappy movies. Well, there is some truth in those movies soemtimes. Have you ever seen "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days?" There was this scene where Mathew McConaughey takes his girlfriend to his house to meet his parents. They play a game of cards and his family helps Kate Hudson win and beat her new boyfriend. His mother says to Kate Hudson something like "That's never happened" Kate Hudson says "Oh were all of his girlfriends bad at this game?" His mother said "Oh my, see you're the only girl he's ever brought home to meet us."

 

Okay, maybe I'm a little guilty of watching too many movies too, but the character was in his late twenties or early thirties like me. I'm the same way. I've never brought any girl over to meet my parents... ever. I guess maybe that's the best and shorest way to describe what I'm like. Not that there where never any to take home to the folks, just none I ever felt like I wanted to. That is, there were a few I would have liked to, but those were the ones I never even dated, most all of them because I never asked. I've come to that realization here lately and I regret that a lot. It kind of gets to me sometimes.

 

So I wouldn't worry about being untaken, especially at your age. Look at me! I'm around 14 years older than you. I should be married with about three kinds by now, but I'm not, and I'm fine with it. So if you ever start thinking "Gee, I'm so pathetic" just remember that guy that posts on your thread at LoveShack. You'll never be as pathetic as me, if that makes you feel better!?

 

I hope this helps. Actually, if you want more advice, you should tell me a little more about yourself! What kind of music do you like/perform? Do you just perform in college, at church, in bars. Have you ever recorded? Do you sing or do you play an instrument, or is it both. Do you write songs? And by the way, what's your first name? I'm Clay, Clayton to a lot of my friends, whichever you prefer. I answer to both. I think you and I should talk a lot more. I think chances are that we'd probably understand each other a lot better than anyone else. Hope to hear from you.

[In Liquid Wonder]

You know, I'm honestly not all that worried about single. I've had enough relationships of substance by now to know that being single is a fairly ephemeral thing. Actually, I have a couple of friends who have gotten married, and another couple who are engaged... at my age, I feel like they're needlessly rushing and haven't dated enough... but what do I, mere 21-year-old, know about any of that, you know? Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't think so.

 

I think I'm at the opposite end of the SO spectrum: I've brought way too many of them home to the parents when I really shouldn't've been dating them at all. I'm really not looking for a fairy tale... I'm looking for standards, but that feels just as elusive. :/

 

A bit about my music: I do jazz (and fusion!) as a sax player (and hold a mean jam on piano), and I'm also a music composition student. I mostly perform at college because my recitals and performances for grades are quite often as a double music major. I can sing a little, but I usually don't unless it's for a private performance (like the song I wrote for my last boyfriend, which is awesome and shall be recorded soon). I've visited studios, but never to record my own work, ironically. For my school stuff, most of it gets recorded by the equipment we've got there in-hall, but that'll change this year. With that all said, yeah, I definitely write songs of all shapes and sizes.

 

Call me Jen, Clay. It's been cool exchanging thoughts with you. I'll update my contact info if you'd like to chat sometime.

 

Someone mentioned in another "DATING OMG WTF BBQ?!1?" post about going to the local happy hour at a clean place to meet people. Uh, yeah, that's something I've never done. Any other ideas for meeting people? I've been to some of the rock music stuff around my area... but they're not my kind of people. I guess, uh, my sort of people don't seem to go out that often... so I have no idea how the hell we're supposed to find each other.