Jealous at 30?!?

[precious99]

Hi!! I haven't posted here in a while.....but as luck would have it ( ) - I'm back!! I am still in the same relationship - we just passed our one year marker and while we have been through a lot - we are still together and I would have to say happier than ever.

My BF is younger than I am - he is 26 and I am 30 - initially I had some difficulty with this (he didn't) but as time went on I came to realize that he did truly love me. And things have been great....until now that is....

Lately I have been struggling with horrible bouts of insecurity and jealousy and while I have tried to keep it from him it is becoming more and more obvious. And I'm not going to sugar coat it - somtimes I am irratonally jealous and I behave like a three year old. I can't seem to control it - somedays I think I have it under control and then the smallest thing can happen and I lose it.

He has never given me any reason to think that I can't trust him and his past isn't really that interesting - so what gives?? This has never really happened to me before - I am attractive, I am intelligent and I am proud of the person that I am.

My jealousy is embasrrassing - the only reasons I can come up with are;

- the people that he has slept with are all still friends (in fact they are quite the little "clique"

- also, we have had quite a problem with his friends - who feel like I am stealing him from them - go figure?? So none of them like me and he doesn't really hang out with them anymore...

I really have to figure this out before it damages our relationship. I can't stand feeling like a whiny, clingy and dependant female - does anyone have any ideas as to why this is happening or how to make it stop?? At 30 years of age I feel really stupid dealing with this for the first time - this is the stuff that teenage romance is made of... I have read through a lot of posts here and it has helped to realize that I am not the only one but I have to make it go away....help??

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

You're 30 years old. Last time I checked in the big book of principles:

 

It said the early-thirties is the time of solidifying and blossoming your values, beliefs, and morals into the person you wish to present to the public and your loved ones.

 

You should step up and hold onto 30. Not only are you making a fool out of yourself in front of your boyfriend but to his friends and family.

 

Evidently, the only reason why you are jealous is due to the fact that younger men [ -by way of society, and new customs] are easily caught in the gust of attraction, and playfulness with women -and as a result you feel betrayed and insulted by his choices and freedoms.

 

Convincingly, there is no one else out there that can corner you into changing your way of thinking.

 

You should take charge, and offer your own pound of love for what it is -no games, or childish rants included.

 

IF you don't grasp the dimensions of the relationship and secure the gates, another woman will snatch him away from you -surprisingly a dumb, irrational, and immature woman -in a glitch.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[boshemia]

Nicely put...

 

Jealousy is as an unhealthy emotion as one can have. It is like a cancer, only it doesn't just eat you alive, it devours your whole relationship as well.

 

The only way I ever got over my jealousy was to face it head on. I was in a relationship that gave me every reason to be jealous... my ex thought he was Don Juan... so if there is something to set off those feelings pay attention to it.

 

If not, then it is that nasty old insecurity rearing its ugly head. It can happen at any age, it can happen at any time. All it takes is a little blow to your ego and wham... suddenly you aren't so sure of yourself anymore. Has anything happened outside of your relationship that would explain it? Lost a job? Gained a bit of weight? Someone close to you getting divorced? Things like that can really throw us for a loop...

 

Also it can be the age... maybe your father left your mother when she was 30? Or for some other reason you have a negative connotation about the big 30. I didn't, mine was 29. I had no idea why... until I remembered my Mom always saying she hated 29 more than 30 because nobody ever believed her when she said she was 29. They always said Yeah... right.

 

Silly... but it was just a pre-programmed thing. 30 - 34 have been great...

 

Go back to working on the self-esteem, take some time to take care of you...

[stillafool]

keep up the unnecessary jealousness and you won't have a boyfriend very long. It's very unattractive.

[Guest]

I've gone through VERY similiar things. My boyfriend is 10 yrs younger than I and I am 38. I've posted on here many times too with problems here and there....his best friend had a problem with me for the first two years and I never understood why. I eventually confronted him on why and explained that I had nothing against him and I truly liked him. I think he was, of course, jealous that his friend had a gf and in his mind thought I was keeping him from him and that I didn't like him. Just set the record strate with friends like that. Maybe if you talk to your bf's friends and tell em how you feel about them (if you like them ;-) ) and work it out with them that way it might turn out to be a good thing. They'll come around.

 

The jealousy/insecurity thing....I've had a lot of reasons to feel the way I do sometimes...but the other replies to you are right. It is unattractive and eventually will scare him away. It's hard tho. I just posted something about my bf getting textes from another girl. Read it if you want. I feel like an idiot now. I checked his cell and found some texts from another girl. I got really bent about it and when I talked to him about if for the 3rd time - I confessed that I saw a text that I initially didn't let on that I saw....about them hangin together....I was so jealous. It all panned out. He was so patient in talking to me about it and explained it all. ANYWAYS...I've been in your boat and I know how you feel.

 

It's easier said than done sometimes to just bite the bullet but thinking back about how I look when I'm jealous and ranting a little..YUCK! On the other hand, you don't want to look like a door mat either. If he does something that compromises your trust then you should talk to him about it. It's just the way that we talk about it, with insecurity and jealousy, that we need to stop.

[Guest]

Hey, i know all the posters are well meaning but warning her of what negative could happen on this path is not the best anxiety reducer.

 

Have you ever tryed transcendental meditation?

 

You should look into it, I am going to, after years of therapy, I still feel that shaky hollow not confident feeling. I feel the same stuff as you, my BF is friends with a girl he used to like a few years back but does not anymore, and seeing her once every 2 years still sets me off and I'm in the downward spiral now, blaming him, angry, insecure, goading him with comparison questions. Negative negative negative. I just want to enjoy my life, I'm going to try those classes, I don't know what else to do.

 

I hope you consider it too. Quieting yourself inside, coming on to this site will not help those particular feelings, I have realized. Only you yourself can...the anxiety needs to be quieted.

 

By the way, I am 4 years older than my boyfriend too! I oftewn fight feelings of that he may one day leave me for a younger woman, and the b**ch of it is that if I can't get my anxieties under control, I may well make that happen if I cannot make our relationship a soft haven for him to want to come to, ironically, we sometimes do make our fears come true.

 

Life is a cruel task master, so that is why I ofered the meditation as a strong option.

 

Good luck, keep us posted??

[Guest]

It is me thwe same poster who suggested meditation, it does not have to be specifically transcendental, just any kind that you do to relax for 20 minutes every day.

 

Not yoga though, more like deep relaxation techniques.

[precious99]

Hi again and thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate the honesty and advice that each of you had to offer.

Of course I realize the gravity of the situation. I can see that where I once could just chalk it up to the depth of my feelings for him I now have no logical reasonings or excuses for my behaviour.

Today I kept my distance from him purposely - evaluating and taking stock of my own life. It's funny because some days I can manage all of the negative thoughts so well and then others it's like I have no control whatsoever.

I haven't come up with any "big" reveals so it's not like I've made any remarkable progress - but I'm heading in the right direction - I at least realize the problem and I know that if left unattended it will destroy my relationship. (So I am making myself accountable)

I'm going to take it "one day at a time" and my thought is that even when those irrational and negative toughts come around I will pretend that they don't bother me or I will take a "time out" - maybe the portrayal of faux confidence will manifest itself into the real thing??

Any thoughts or ideas on what might have worked for you would be appreciated.

[Guest]

I'm the same guest poster from above, what works for me is avoiding triggers. Sometimes you can't, but if you think about it, you probably have some too, make a list and try to avoid them.....

 

Movies about cheating, I try to avoid them.

 

Also, while I need to feel that I am not the only one going through some of this too, quite honestly, reading other people's suspicions on this board make me think back on the past and start to mull over things I had put to rest.

 

Every time i start reading through threads I can feel anxities awaken, so I would say in a way this board is a trigger, unless I'm a poster with an inquiry it is almost like I am looking to stir up some stuff.

 

Procrastinating on something important in my own life, sometimes my mind turns to dwelling on what if scenarios.

[Walk]

I dont' know if this would help, but I can relate a bit to what you're saying. What I've found though is that I can trace back my insecurity to an action or comment that bothered me. Usually something really small and stupid, but the longer it goes unadressed the larger it grows.

 

I have a few suggestions...

 

I acknowledge the source of my insecurity. Either a comment or an action that he did, that affected me. Like... my bf was talking about an ex of his last week (I asked) and it made me feel insecure. Once I figure out where the feeling is coming from, then I can attack it rationally and not emotionally. I look at our relationship and the ways that he shows me he loves me and wants to be with me. Placing emphasis on his actions. There are certain things he's done that were above and beyond for me, and I use those to kick the jealousy out of my head.

 

Other thing I do if I can't rationally dislodge the insecurity/jealousy... I talk to my bf about it. Either I tell him I know it's irrational, but I need to talk, or I ask him to try and help me.

 

One other thing.. I have some baggage that sometimes gets me at odd times in this relationship. It's not my bf's fault, but it's still crap in my head that I am having problems with. So when I'm feelign really insecure/jealous, I flat out tell him "I'm feeling insecure, will you cuddle with me for 10-15 minutes? I just need to be held for a little bit". I have to express what I need from him. He can't read my mind. All I might need is just a short bit of extra attention, a half hour of more focused attention then normal, then I feel better. But insecurity/jealousy is really confusing for the other person... all they see is you acting weird and since you can't seem to get enough "normal" reassurance, they start to withdraw which causes you to feel even more insecure. So explain what's going on in your head, let the other person know it's not them, but could they please help you. Set a time limit on how long your bf has to be extra attentive so he isn't stuck thinking this is going to be an all day or week long problem. Give him a specific time frame... ie: I really need you to cuddle with me on the couch for 15 minutes/half hour. He'll do it because he does love you.

 

Last suggestion... this one might not be your thing... I seduce my bf to have sex with me. Makes me feel close to him, I feel like I've met his sexual needs which makes me feel that he won't have to look outside the relationship for that. He's always more affectionate, and cuddly after sex, which makes me feel more secure. Plus, studies suggested that the increased heart rates actually make people feel a stronger bond. Not to mention it's fun and feels good. So it's kind of a win/win for both of us. I get what I want, he gets what he wants... and we're both happier people.

 

Just some ideas... maybe you can mix and match to find something that will help ease your insecurities. Once they're lowered, dig into them and figure out what's setting you off so badly. Either baggage in your head, his actions, other peoples actions, or a combination of all of those. Pinpoint the reasons, and then figure out how to nullify them. But you can't do that when you're too far outside of "rational" thought processes.