How do you get closure when he won't give it to you? And how do you get over anger?

[ThatAin'tRight]

Listen there mister. HE ignored ME even when we were in a freakin relationship!!!!! NOBODY DOES THAT!! So I have ALLLLL the rights to act like the jackass that I am. Alright?

Agree to disagree. Dignity is much more appealing to me.

[princessa]

I completely understand, I did the same things he did, well not the same things.

Let me ask you this first....are you my ex?

I called her, wrote, told her I missed her. I meant it, I still really miss her. We were awesome together. I have no idea what happened to her when we finally split, but it wasn't because I neglected her.

 

If you didn't neglect your ex then I'm not your ex. Look I can understand how a guy might need space and stuff.... especially after an argument... but to me ignoring is just as abusive as verbal abuse. The least thing to do is to pick up the phone and say NO i can't talk right now.. or something.. don't just disappear for weeks out of nowhere. That's not right. It's just as childish as throwing out cuss words.

[princessa]

And why are you making me feel like I'm the guilty party???? If saying hurtful things to him can make him stop calling me to try to convince me to come back with false promises, then it's better that way. "The ends justifies the means", that's what he always says....

[ThatAin'tRight]

Looks like you're back to square one...you know the one where you feel like you are entitled to responses, answers or special treatment? If a telemarketer is calling and I know it's a telemarketer trying to convince me of something that I don't want to hear, then I won't answer. When you call him, he knows who you are and is telling you that he doesn't have time for your crap. Take that as him saying, "No, I don't want to talk right now."

Somebody protecting themself from pain/suffering is not the same as someone trying to cause another person pain and suffering. There is a huge difference, and I think you know that.

You're on the right track with the no contact thing. It'll be better for you both. If the dude wants to talk to you, then he'll call.

[ThatAin'tRight]

And why are you making me feel like I'm the guilty party???? If saying hurtful things to him can make him stop calling me to try to convince me to come back with false promises, then it's better that way. "The ends justifies the means", that's what he always says....

I feel like I'm on crazy pills.

I was under the impression that he has stopped calling you all together, stopped texting you, stopped everything. I was also under the impression that you were contacting him to seek "closure"? Maybe I read the title of the thread wrong.

You are a grown up. He can't convince you to go back to him unless you want to go back with him.

I am not making you feel guilty, I'm giving you my opinion, if you feel guilty about this then maybe some of the things I am saying are getting through.

I am not trying to be mean, but the whole "If saying hurtful things to him can make him stop calling me to try to convince me to come back with false promises, then it's better that way." has to be one of the more ridiculous things I have ever read.

[princessa]

Somebody protecting themself from pain/suffering is not the same as someone trying to cause another person pain and suffering. There is a huge difference' date=' and I think you know that.[/quote']

 

Agreed. Like I said it's understandable that one wants to be calm before talking things over. But you know what, when you're ignoring the girl randomly, sometimes don't return calls at all, and neglect her.... chances are in her head all these actions will be associated, and she won't know what's being done on purpose and what isn't anymore... what's done out of trying to protect you from hurt and what's done out of neglect... after a while it all falls into the same pile of crap.....

[princessa]

I was under the impression that he has stopped calling you all together' date=' stopped texting you, stopped everything. I was also under the impression that you were contacting him to seek "closure"? [/quote']

 

Look, here's how it went. Before xmas he decided to take a trip witout talking to me about it because we were fighting and he was ignoring me (what's new). So I told him that if he went through with the trip I never want to hear from him again. He called and texted and emailed during about a week.... I waited about 3 days after his last text and finally broke down and just wrote him and I was really confused and didn't wanna talk to him. Then 2 days ago I called him and he never returned the call. So I got really pissed off and away poured the cuss words....

 

I am not making you feel guilty, I'm giving you my opinion, if you feel guilty about this then maybe some of the things I am saying are getting through.

I am not trying to be mean, but the whole "If saying hurtful things to him can make him stop calling me to try to convince me to come back with false promises, then it's better that way." has to be one of the more ridiculous things I have ever read.

 

And why is that????? And just for the record, yes, after the anger subsides, I do feel guilty for saying mean things to him... I know him too well and I know exactly where it hurts, and I feel guilty for using that. But he pushed me there.

[ThatAin'tRight]

I waited about 3 days after his last text and finally broke down and just wrote him and I was really confused and didn't wanna talk to him.

Sounds to me like he's giving you what you wanted...unless, of course, you were hoping that he would fight for you.

 

 

And why is that????? And just for the record, yes, after the anger subsides, I do feel guilty for saying mean things to him... I know him too well and I know exactly where it hurts, and I feel guilty for using that. But he pushed me there.

You're better than that. He didn't push you there, you went there on your own accord.

[princessa]

unless' date=' of course, you were hoping that he would fight for you.[/quote']

 

Of course I did!!!!!! What, he's gonna send me I miss you's and yet do nothing about it and give up after only 3 days??? WTF

[ThatAin'tRight]

Of course I did!!!!!! What, he's gonna send me I miss you's and yet do nothing about it and give up after only 3 days??? WTF

Fair enough, but quit sending mixed messages.

 

Do you want him back?

[princessa]

Fair enough, but quit sending mixed messages.

 

Do you want him back?

 

Not if he ignores me. I did want him back if he was willing for fight for it. Apparently it's much easier to just ignore me.. So what gives? *shrug*

[ThatAin'tRight]

I thought you said you waited three days after his attempts for a week.

[ThatAin'tRight]

Not if he ignores me. I did want him back if he was willing for fight for it. Apparently it's much easier to just ignore me.. So what gives? *shrug*

Do you understand the confusing message you're sending?

"I am confused and don't want to talk"

I don't understand how that translates into fight for me.

[princessa]

Do you understand the confusing message you're sending?

"I am confused and don't want to talk"

I don't understand how that translates into fight for me.

 

GAAAH.. but I've told him before that I want him to fight for me... doesn't he GET IT??

[princessa]

I thought you said you waited three days after his attempts for a week.

 

That's what i said.. Is there a problem with that statement?

[scrybe74]

I agree with him. My situation is similar but not exactly the same. My GF is acting just like Princessa. Nobody owes anybody anything. You are two adults. He can take your calls or not. It's his right. Abusing him verbally or otherwise is not your RIGHT.

 

My ex reacted violently. Verbally and physically. I hear you about the mixed messages though. I broke things off with her when it got to the point that we were arguing and fighting not just daily....several times a day.

 

I still loved her and we talked and shared on and off for weeks....but it was a big mistake. It just made things worse for her. I didn't understand that then.

 

She refuses to accept anything from me but what she wants to hear. She also told me that she needed 'closure'. We've had several 'closure' talks. Just when I thought it was over she goes ape on me because she took the closure talk as me wanting to get things right between us.

 

Big mistake on my part. My being compassionate or nice to her in anyway just makes it worse. Being mean to her makes it worse. I just ignore her until she calms down and then we talk. I'm learning that it's not working either. Again...she's so angry that she hears what she wants to hear. She thinks that I have to sit and listen to her rants. She thinks I owe her closure. She's making me responsible for her emotional well being.

 

I just don't agree. You are obviously pretty angry and hurt. I do sympathize with you but I don't agree with your approach or mindset. It seems that all your focus and energy is on him and not on you.....for better or worse.

 

I would suggest moving on with your life. Trust me....if he loved you he'll call you to at least smooth things over. He's probably just really hurt right now and is trying to get his head straight. He can't and won't with you hounding him.

 

Give him some space and give yourself a breather. Other than that I don't have any other advice or opinions. It seems many of the people here have given you points of view and advice and you pretty much are set in your ways. Good luck with that. I hope it all works out in the end.

[ThatAin'tRight]

I don't get it!!! You're talking out of both sides of your mouth and it's confusing me. "He ignores me, but if he shows a little interest and fight for me, I'll go back to him."

You tried to play a dangerous game with this guy. The "take-away" only works if you are serious about taking it away, and if you have something he truly wants.

princessa, what do you want?

[princessa]

I don't get it!!! You're talking out of both sides of your mouth and it's confusing me. "He ignores me, but if he shows a little interest and fight for me, I'll go back to him."

You tried to play a dangerous game with this guy. The "take-away" only works if you are serious about taking it away, and if you have something he truly wants.

princessa, what do you want?

 

First I'd like a discussion and agreement on whether we both think we're compatible or not. If agreed that we can be compatible, and notwithstanding the damage done on both sides, of course I'd still want him to fight his ass off for me. With actions, not in a half-assed I-miss-you text message. That's what I truly want.

[princessa]

Look, so many times I was just ready to get up and walk away (and did). But he just runs back to me. What do you want me to do about it??

[princessa]

I just don't agree. You are obviously pretty angry and hurt. I do sympathize with you but I don't agree with your approach or mindset. It seems that all your focus and energy is on him and not on you.....for better or worse.

 

I would suggest moving on with your life. Trust me....if he loved you he'll call you to at least smooth things over. He's probably just really hurt right now and is trying to get his head straight. He can't and won't with you hounding him.

 

Give him some space and give yourself a breather. Other than that I don't have any other advice or opinions. It seems many of the people here have given you points of view and advice and you pretty much are set in your ways. Good luck with that. I hope it all works out in the end.

 

Thanks, I'm taking your point into account.

[ThatAin'tRight]

First I'd like a discussion and agreement on whether we both think we're compatible or not. If agreed that we can be compatible, and notwithstanding the damage done on both sides, of course I'd still want him to fight his ass off for me. With actions, not in a half-assed I-miss-you text message. That's what I truly want.

Notwithstanding? Are you pre-law?

Bail. If I were him, I would see you bailing on me as a huge slap in the face, and even though I might make an attempt to patch it up, that feeling broken trust would always be there on both ends.

Stay away, figure yourself out.

How old is he anyway?

[ThatAin'tRight]

Look, so many times I was just ready to get up and walk away (and did). But he just runs back to me. What do you want me to do about it??

Ummm, I don't know. What are you doing Saturday?

On a serious note, I don't want you to do anything. I am just saying leave him alone. You asked for space and got it, now make the best of it.

The other dude, scybe (?) made some good points. Maybe I'm not communicating effectively.

Stay Away

Figure out what you want

[princessa]

Notwithstanding? Are you pre-law?

 

Haha. No.

 

Bail. If I were him' date=' I would see you bailing on me as a huge slap in the face[/quote']

 

I don't understand that statement. When did I bail on him???? I supported his ass for 2 years. WHEN did you EVER see me BAILING on him?? He's the one bailing on me by ignoring me, but yes we've just discussed that...

 

that feeling broken trust would always be there on both ends.

 

What broken trust???

 

How old is he anyway?

He's 23. I'm 21...

[ThatAin'tRight]

Ok, so you "supported his ass" for 2 years, then told him if he goes to Sunny FLA with his boys, then it's over. He went, probably because his boys would give him a hard time if he didn't (I'm not justifying it, just rationalizing based on age considerations). He called and texted, you ignored him, relationship over.

He may have taken you for granted by going on this trip, but it was your decision to make that ultimatum and now you have to live with it.

That's not to say that you should allow anyone to treat you badly, but you got what you wanted. By making the ultimatum, you effectively bailed.

I agree that a person who has stuck with some one through thick and thin deserves a bit more consideration, but you can't expect it. In a perfect world, we would all respect one another and be ahppy. In a perfect world, LoveShack wouldn't have this section. However, in a perfect world, we would not be enjoying this spirited conversation.

I guess what I am saying by the slap-in-the-face thing is that a trip to Florida shouldn't have brought about this ultimatum, it's insulting.

But again, you were also insulted by his disregard of/for you. Tough call.

 

Has this gotten through to you yet?

Take advantage of the space, figure out what you want from him, and when/if he does contact you, then be very clear on what you want.

[princessa]

You're kind of taking the ultimatum out of context (there was drama before that and I was already on the verge of breaking up before I even found out about the trip anyway)... Me giving him an ultimatum was saying to him here's your chance to fight for me, so show me you have to balls to... Something like that I guess... Didn't mean to insult him, just wanted him to prove me that he could fight for me. With actions.

 

But you're right, there's nothing more to do now. I'm gonna take advantage of the drama-free time.. and if he doesn't come back then so be it. I don't think he will and I can't take back what I told him on the phone.

 

And it wasnt FLA it was stripper-on-every-corner NYC

 

Anyway, my work day is done, if there are any other posts I'll read them in the evening. Thanks a lot for your input, Thataintright.. It's really good to talk about these things until they make you so sick that you don't wanna talk about them anymore And of course you've provided great insight hahah